But our indulgence should not extend so far that we ruin the cat.
Letting the cat do whatever they want could have consequences if the cat is being aggressive towards others.
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If we allow our cat to swat us to have the couch to themselves, or chase other cats away from what should be shared things, we are creating a monster.
It usually starts when the kitten is cute, and we laugh it off. “Oh, what a little tiger!” We should always let the cat know their teeth and claws hurt us, by the simple acts of whimpering, saying “Ow!” or putting the cat in another room for a solitary time out.
Some cats are quick to realize they are hurting us, and will moderate their play right away. Others, who might have had poor socialization, need us to teach them what compassion and affection means, by consistently and quietly showing them their aggression will not get them what they want.
Roughhousing is a great way to create an aggressive cat. We should always be gentle with our cats, whatever their size and age, and let their toys be their outlet for high energy. People who are used to dogs often make this mistake, since dogs routinely like rowdy play.
But if we watch cats playing, we see it’s not a brute force exercise. Among themselves, cats wrestle, and moderate their biting and scratching. Cats who are enjoying themselves play silently. Any vocalization from the cats means it’s no longer play; someone is getting too rough.
If cats get out of hand, with us or with other animals, we must let them know this is not acceptable, and also that it is not a good strategy to get what they want.
We can’t use aggression ourselves, because this would undercut our message.
If cat play gets vocal, we can use a firm, but not loud, tone of voice, telling them to break it up, which the victim is all too glad to do. We can pick out the potential bully by noticing which cat is reluctant to stop.
Bullying is a sign of immature coping skills. A cat who is frustrated or feels thwarted does not know any other way of getting their way except to keep going after it.
It is a common thought process in kittens, who don’t know any better and can’t put brakes on their own behavior. This is why raising kittens with a lot of affection, and a lot of guidance, will shape a cat who can pick up on disapproval and unhappiness in those around them; and try to not to trigger such negative emotions.
Which is why it is so important that we firmly indicate the bounds of acceptable behavior at all times, no matter how cute it might seem.
The cat who persists in aggression should get scolded, given a time out, or, if these don’t work, a blast of air from an air can. This allows us to hiss at the cat safely, and is a message in their language.
Whether we get the cat as a kitten, or take in an adult cat, they can pick up poor coping skills if we ignore their expressions of these bad strategies. Everyone in our house is supposed to respect others. That includes the cats.
That includes us.
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I’m trying to sort out acceptable cat interactions and have a question. Do you think there are ever exceptions to “If there are vocalizations (during chases, wrestling) then there is a problem.” I have 3 one year old cats (not littermates.) The female, Emily (in my avatar) is a former feral (rescued as a kitten, but mom has escaped TNR, so she has major cautious genes) who is naturally cautious when people or other cats are too close. (She has warmed up to affection, but that’s another story.) My best guess is that all 3 cats are Betas (Emily I’m classifying as Beta with feral tendencies…she is way too demanding to be a Gamma.) Leo may have some Alpha in him, but I think he and his “brother” Eko (who may have some Gamma in him) are Betas.
My question…during chases and wrestles Emily does hiss and yowl. She also (I think) really enjoys having other cats in the house and likes her brothers….just fusses about the contact. She never seems scared of them after a “hissy fit” and sometimes starts things herself, so she’s not always the “victim.” Do you think she could just “like it noisy.”
The boys do tend to pin their ears back and come after her at times, but it seems harmless enough to me…like play. But I want to make sure I’m not fooling myself. I do talk to them about being nice and try to distract them when it seems like they are being really persistant.
And here’s one example where I wasn’t sure if I should intervene. Sometimes Leo will just pester Emily (nothing violent) until she moves then rest where she was. Should this be tolerated?
Yes, it sounds like Emily might be quick to vocalize. Our Olwyn is the quickest to hiss or growl during play, but keeps coming back for more; I think she uses it as a warning. Play is “simulated hunting” and feedback from a playmate is how cats moderate their efforts.
It does sound like Leo has some Alpha traits
— but what he does to Emily seems mutual from what you describe. If this move is not always the same place, then it’s just his way of interacting with her.
Thanks for the response. Emily and Olwyn are both blue-cream dilute torties (Emily being short-haired though) so maybe “quick to vocalize” goes hand in hand with “tortitude.” Or maybe it’s a lone sister among brothers thing.
We are relatively new cat people (just over a year) and are so happy with our little cat family and how well they get along. We appreciate your blog so much. My 6 year old son overheard my husband and I discussing which cat type our 3 cats were yesterday. Since then he has been pointing out different behaviors of each cat that would point to their type. I thought you’d like to know you are influencing the next generation of cat lovers.
And some funny background to Leo having alpha traits. He was chosen (as our third cat) from a foster home. We were so thrilled that his foster mom could tell us about his personality since we thought personality was more important than ever with the third cat. We thought since Emily and Eko had only been living together for 6 weeks and still sorting out their relationship that it would be wise to choose a kitten who would not come in and try to dominate things. So we asked foster mom to keep an eye out for the least assertive, okay with letting others take the lead kitten. She chose the least assertive of two 4 month old orange tabby brothers…our Leo. Now from her description of his brother, she did choose well. But Leo turned out much more assertive than we were expecting (he’s a benevolent dictator, though.) But even though his personality was a little different than we expected he has been the perfect addition to our family. The “cat energy” in the house was brought to the perfect level with Leo. He and Eko get along great, grooming each other and having silent chasing and wresling matches. And Emily enjoys both her brothers in her own unique Emily way.
I am thrilled to hear how my influence makes people, and their cats, happier! Congratulations on plunging in at the deep end by getting to Cat Civilization (at least three cats) so quickly. Your experience sounds like a wonderful illustration of why I’m such a fan of multiple cats.