Do we give it to them?
more animals
I sometimes hear people say the cat is annoying them because they “just want attention.” Well, why don’t we give them some?
Cats never annoy just for the sake of being annoying. They always want something from us. They have some reason to believe we can get them what they want.
There are usually two components to a cat being annoying. One is what they want, and the other is how they ask for it.
What they want. This might be something they aren’t supposed to have yet, like dinner. This might be something they aren’t supposed to have at all, like our knitting.
But sometimes all the cat wants is our attention. If the only time we pay attention to the cat is when they are driven to demand it, then this less than optimum situation is our fault.
We trained the cat to do this. We can train them not to.
In fact, it’s entirely possible the cat is asking for something they can’t have on purpose. Because we might not always say yes, but we always say no.
Which leads us to…
How they ask. The cat will always be sweet in their requests… if we are sweet in our responses.
I recently replaced my aging, yet essential, Palm Pilot with an iPod touch. Between setting it up with my old information and the lure of playing with a fascinating gadget, I went through the weekend doing little else.
Dear Husband was philosophical, because we had prepared him for neglect with a new computer game. I should have gotten one for the cats. Because on Sunday morning, RJ was intent on getting to the top of a forbidden bookcase and playing with everything on it.
It was only when I’d actually used the squirt bottle in his general direction that I realized the expression on his face was sadness. Not guilt, and not mischief.
That’s when I realized he was addressing his neglect by doing something I couldn’t ignore.
Being young, he didn’t have the fine tuned guilt trips Mr Bond is capable of. RJ was actually desperate for attention, and that was why he was misbehaving. Once I realized that, and gave him the affection and play he was used to getting on weekend mornings, he didn’t go near the bookcase again.
It wasn’t about the bookcase. It was about the neglect.
If our cats get attention only when they misbehave, they will feel forced to use that strategy more often. Because it works.
So we should decide to give them new strategies. Asking the cat what they want when they appear is a great way to get started on a new routine. If the cat asks for food all the time, it might only be because we always respond to this request, even if it’s pointing out it’s not mealtime yet. So follow up a refused request by finding something else they might like, and giving it to them.
This might not be what the cat wants at the moment. But we are showing good faith. We are showing we care. We are opening a dialogue so the cat’s future requests can be made in a less annoying way.
Cats crave our attention. They want affection and fussing and love. If they haven’t gotten it in sufficient qualities, they will settle for us telling them to get off the china cabinet.
Because it’s better than nothing.
Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more to raising and training a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CAT TRAINING TIPS.
My cat knows this trick! It always works on me too. When wants attention, I almost always stop what I’m doing and give it to him. People need to remember that animals can’t/don’t communicate the same way we do, so we have to learn to read their actions.
Melissa Donovan’s last blog post..Homophones: Weather and Whether
Absolutely.
I found that one of the biggest things that helped my relationship with my cats, especially the shy one and the one who didn’t prefer me, was to simply start saying hello to each cat whenever I saw them.
When they come into a room, or come out from under the couch, or make themselves apparent when they had been scarce before, I always say “Hi! What’s goin’ on!” When they get on the bed with me while I am on the computer, I always speak to them or pet them.
Yes it’s hard when I am busy, and all three want to tell me they are glad I came home from running errands, yes they still annoy me by wanting to be right on top of whatever I am doing, demanding lap space, but they do not misbehave just to get my attention, and they can usually be maneuvered into a more comfortable – for me – position after a couple of minutes.
I first realized I had a problem when I noticed that if I turned my black cat away when she came to say hello and shooed her out of my business, she would go and vent her wrath on a chair or the couch, clawing at it. How obvious did she have to make it for the dumb monkey?! Very, as it turns out, but I got the clue.
They still fight for my attention and squabble over who gets the coveted Seat Nearest Mom’s Tummy, so if you have any tips on making them, you know, stop doing that, I would be most appreciative. They keep kicking one another off my lap or the couch and the cycle starts all over. By the time the third is done, the first wants to come back to see if I still love HER. I’ve tried talking to them and I’ve tried keeping them on different sides of my body, I’ve tried mediating and telling the aggressive cat to stop being a pain, but they still can’t usually stand to be within five feet of each other if my attention is at stake. If I make room for two, th eone who was there first inevitably gets offended and leaves.
Hi Naamah,
I see some clues, here. One was shy and one was aloof, yet you transformed them into cats who crave your love. So previously there was a cat who had thought you were all to herself?
What this seems like to me is the Scarcity Dynamic: each cat perceives love as a limited resource. Two were not getting enough; one feels she is now getting less. They are all so thrilled by you they want more, more, more!
While we are always grateful that our lap is NOT big enough for all three cats, we could make more of ourself accessible at certain times. Sounds like you could use the Love Fest.
We clear our mental decks and put on relaxing music. Then we get down on the floor and our only task is to Love Cats. We roll around on the floor and reach for every cat who comes by. They can pick a body part to rub up against, and we grab and hug every cat in range. Everybody gets a whispered endearment; everybody gets extra love if they share it with another. It’s really great to squash them together if we can. No one gets preference during a Love Fest; and they must cooperate to participate; it is all Opt In. Convey abundance until they can’t stand it any more.
We should also try to relax and mentally “be there” with them; part of the Love Fest’s power is its totality. Don’t they always know when your attention is not focused on them, even if you are petting them? When the itch is only partially scratched; it still itches. When they get partial attention, they feel it.
When we make a Love Fest part of our daily routine, we make love the infinite resource it really is. And the cats will start to see it that way. When their tummies are full of Love, and the other cats are part of it, they will stop seeing the other cats as competitors, and see them as another Love resource.
Or, at the least, less annoying. How can they see the other cats in a negative light; when we all have such a good time at the Love Fest?
And… it’s good for the human, too.
That is true; the hobgoblin is and always has been my cat, but over and above that, I am her person. The other two love people (the shy one adores people, she is just really wary of them) and will seek affection from anyone, but not MY cat, who is just really strange. I blame a rough upbringing and being taken from her mother way too soon. After we moved, she stopped sitting with me while I’m watching TV or doing stuff on the sofa, which used to be “her” time, because the new house’s living room is not in “her” territory, but in communal territory. Now she sits with me in the bedroom, which is where I do computer stuff, and that is her “mom” time.
I will try putting myself on the floor between the couch and the TV, the feline sweet spot of the house, and letting them come and roll around with me. I know the other two will be on board for this. Maybe it will help curb their need to be on me every second later in the day.
I will let you know how it goes! Thank you so much!
Hi Pam…
So sorry to hear about your loss.
Three ‘lap cats’ – you are so lucky – we want a ‘lap cat’ but have two that aren’t. They like attention on their own terms but do not like being held or cuddled and never will sit on anybody’s lap. Fleasha will sleep on the bed next to me and Garf will sleep on the end of the bed….but they are not cuddle cats. We love them dearly but we keep saying someday we will have a ‘lap cat’.
Keep up the great work with the newsletter.
Barb
Thank you for your condolences, Barb, I appreciate it.
Some cats find the blurring of boundaries that come with hugs and laps too much for them. But we can turn this around by letting them be “the big one.”
See if you can slide your arm against their body or belly, so they can be the “hugger.” By presenting a body part that is the same size as they are, we can bypass our giantness and offer ourselves in a way some cats feel more comfortable literally embracing.
I have a 3 year old male cat, declawed, and neutered, and there are times whae he kneads my mom in just a normal happy way, then there are other times when he does it just for spite, I know because if I notice and yell at him, he just looks at me & then kneads faster. What is that about?
Please feel free to offer any insites.
Now about my cat…Frankenstein was a resceued wild kitten, barely old enough to leave his mother, but wild. He loves me, but he is very intimidated by everything. Sometimes he even runs from me, and he hides all day long, I am just wondering if there is a better way for me to help us bond.
Is Frankenstein the declawed and neutered cat who is a rescued wild kitten?
I see a few difficulties. One is his name; which associates with monsters. Is he called “Frank” or some other nickname to show you don’t meant that? If every time you call his name, you are thinking “Monster!” this will carry over into your voice and body and make him feel apprehensive.
Declawed cats are also under great stress; they often have hidden pain from either the surgery or the unnatural way of walking that is now imposed upon them. To use a human analogy, he is now a typist who is missing the first joint of all his fingers.
I don’t see how any cat can knead out of spite. He is trying to relieve tension; when you yell at him, this creates more tension, and so he does his stress relief thing more.
He needs some loving massage to get the tension out of his muscles, and more affection signals that do not confuse him. This will give him more confidence, and make him less fearful; both of these things work together.
Yes we call him Frankie, and we named him Frankenstein because that is my favorite movie, and he is a huge cat. I think he is just timid, maybe, I don’t know. and with the other, Louie, he looks at me to see what my reaction will be, I swear, he is smarter than any cat I have ever known. Maybe I am just imagining it, but my mom thinks Louie is kneading to annoy also. I will tell her to allow it, and see what happens, but what can I do to make Frankie know that I love him, and I want him to spend time with me?
Frankie and Louie are both Declawed and Neutered, but frankie is the rescued wild cat.
Oh, a nickname like Frankie helps a lot
Try some of my affection tips under get your cat to love you.