Lack of support is the real pivot between a cat getting on with their life… or not. Obviously, an upsetting incident where the cat winds up on the street or in a shelter will linger, longer, than an equally upsetting incident where the cat can return to a good home.
But no matter what happened, or when, we can get our cat to trust again.
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Unfortunately, our efforts to “make friends” with this kind of cat can be the very thing that is keeping them suspicious. Check to see if we are making these kinds of mistakes:
Asking the cat to conform to our timetable. We can get impatient with this kind of cat; haven’t they observed us long enough to know we are trustworthy?
In a word, no. Obviously, it hasn’t been enough time, or the cat would think so too.
If they don’t have a lot of experience trusting people, they don’t know how much time is enough. So instead of trying to push them into things, speed up their timetable naturally by doing nice things more often, or more slowly, or more verbally.
Cats who haven’t gotten enough input yet need more input. So, give them some.
Asking the cat to accept our criteria. We keep the food and water coming. Isn’t that nice? Won’t the cat think nice things about us?
We have to remember that this cat would have gotten food and water in the past, or they wouldn’t be here at all. If the mere presence of such care is not thrilling the cat, maybe we need to show that providing it to them, thrills us.
RJ had spend weeks in the shelter by the time he got to us, being fed and having his litter cleaned. But the experience of having a whole room, apparently devoted to his bowl of food and his big roomy litterbox, was so exciting he raced around like a happy maniac. We made big fusses about giving these things to him; and he made a big fuss back.
Asking the cat to miss us before they have a reason to. Often, people mistakenly think showing the cat that they are hurting our feelings will reach the cat’s heart. This works great; once we have the relationship.
Before that, all the cat knows is that we throw tantrums unpredictably. Then the cat thinks, Better stay away.
How we show that our feelings are hurt is crucial to the cat understanding it. Big noisy displays of ill temper just make us look deranged; cat feelings are expressed with subtlety, and that is what they are looking for.
Droopy body language, sad tones in our voice, and quiet, slow movements convey sadness to our cat; and if they make any kind of recognition or acknowledgment, a swift transition to happy, soft, tones, and an expression of alertness will convey our interest to such a cat without frightening them.
From across the room, I can provoke James Bond to come and sit in my lap with only facial expressions. I stare at him with sadness, (pouting helps us form our face properly.) Then, if he notices, I brighten up with wide open eyes and a goofy, half-open mouth. Then I relax my face and send him the slow blinks of I love you.
I’m saying the right things.
This is how he hears the right things.
For cats who have become fear-aggressive, see Curing the Aggressive Cat.
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There’s more ways to care for our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on CAT CARE.
