Cats are unfairly characterized as being indifferent and not capable of showing affection. How can we make a cat more affectionate? We must play their game.

There are many games in cat poker, but the biggest game is called Mutual Regard. Where the aces are always wild, and we hold them.

Unlike dogs, cats don’t extend the paw of friendship automatically. Dogs don’t play the Game. They can’t. Despite any indifference a person may show to their dog, the dog keeps coming back. That’s their pack nature.

They must have social contact, they have to get it, they cannot be persuaded not to ask for it. Like the Bill Murray character in the movie What About Bob?, they need, they need, they need.

People who are used to the way dogs are capable of demanding attention can be thrown by what they perceive as the cat’s coolness towards them.

Cats are wired differently. Once past the kitten stage, they want adult sensibilities in their relationships. No one is supposed to unilaterally override the other’s wishes. It’s a partnership, not an army. Each party is expected to take up the slack when needs shift and desires differ.

This is not a bug. It’s a feature.

So how do we show the cat that we understand The Game?

Take some time every evening to concentrate on the cat. Follow them around, chatting, with their name frequently mentioned. They will wander around, looking back to see if we are following, and maybe even take us on a tour of their favorite spots. Oh, here’s the window for birdwatching. Yes, here’s the food dish. Is it time for dinner already? Okay, let’s get our show on the road.

Perhaps our cat is displaying a reluctance to be picked up. After all that tussling as a kitten, we are hurt. Don’t they love us any more? They do, but they also want to know that we can be trusted with their greater weight, and whether or not we will respect their adult wishes, now that they are getting some.

We can pet them, rub their head, even move their bodies around a little, but let them keep their feet on the ground. This makes them feel more in control of the situation. Put our hands around their torso as though we are going to pick them up, but then we don’t. Surprise! Thought I was going to pick you up, didn’t you? I fooled you! This can be a great Mutual Regard move.

This is Petting in Place, a sign of respect.

The person who cares enough to treat the gift of their friendship with the honor it deserves will see the cat’s moves for what they are; an invitation to demonstrate their own devotion. Then the cat, according to the rules, will have to make an extra effort of their own, and wait in suspense to see if we will keep on raising the stakes. If we care, we will see them and raise them.

This is the Game of Mutual Regard.

All great things flow from the Game. Love. Harmony. Humor. Creativity. Peace. The joyous interplay of living beings reveling in each others company. Without the demands of authority and subservience creating stress and tension.

This is the feature set of cats, and it is a powerful one. It has let cats move into markets far beyond their original niche of rodent control. They command a compelling slice of the companion positions among artists, writers, inventors, scientists, and intellectuals. They have inspired poetry, memoirs, and outright worship across cultures. They hold the archetype of wisdom and mystery, hidden knowledge and deep secrets.

If we find ourselves needing to seek the cat out, seek the cat out.

It’s our turn.

This is the Game.

Image from The Fractal Art of Paul DeCelle

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.