The Way of Cats

Cats are unfairly characterized as being indifferent and not capable of showing affection. How can we make a cat more affectionate? We must play their game.

There are many games in cat poker, but the biggest game is called Mutual Regard. Where the aces are always wild, and we hold them.

Unlike dogs, cats don’t extend the paw of friendship automatically. Dogs don’t play the Game. They can’t. Despite any indifference a person may show to their dog, the dog keeps coming back. That’s their pack nature.

They must have social contact, they have to get it, they cannot be persuaded not to ask for it. Like the Bill Murray character in the movie What About Bob?, they need, they need, they need.

People who are used to the way dogs are capable of demanding attention can be thrown by what they perceive as the cat’s coolness towards them.

Cats are wired differently. Once past the kitten stage, they want adult sensibilities in their relationships. No one is supposed to unilaterally override the other’s wishes. It’s a partnership, not an army. Each party is expected to take up the slack when needs shift and desires differ.

This is not a bug. It’s a feature.

So how do we show the cat that we understand The Game?

Take some time every evening to concentrate on the cat. Follow them around, chatting, with their name frequently mentioned. They will wander around, looking back to see if we are following, and maybe even take us on a tour of their favorite spots. Oh, here’s the window for birdwatching. Yes, here’s the food dish. Is it time for dinner already? Okay, let’s get our show on the road.

Perhaps our cat is displaying a reluctance to be picked up. After all that tussling as a kitten, we are hurt. Don’t they love us any more? They do, but they also want to know that we can be trusted with their greater weight, and whether or not we will respect their adult wishes, now that they are getting some.

We can pet them, rub their head, even move their bodies around a little, but let them keep their feet on the ground. This makes them feel more in control of the situation. Put our hands around their torso as though we are going to pick them up, but then we don’t. Surprise! Thought I was going to pick you up, didn’t you? I fooled you! This can be a great Mutual Regard move.

This is Petting in Place, a sign of respect.

The person who cares enough to treat the gift of their friendship with the honor it deserves will see the cat’s moves for what they are; an invitation to demonstrate their own devotion. Then the cat, according to the rules, will have to make an extra effort of their own, and wait in suspense to see if we will keep on raising the stakes. If we care, we will see them and raise them.

This is the Game of Mutual Regard.

All great things flow from the Game. Love. Harmony. Humor. Creativity. Peace. The joyous interplay of living beings reveling in each others company. Without the demands of authority and subservience creating stress and tension.

This is the feature set of cats, and it is a powerful one. It has let cats move into markets far beyond their original niche of rodent control. They command a compelling slice of the companion positions among artists, writers, inventors, scientists, and intellectuals. They have inspired poetry, memoirs, and outright worship across cultures. They hold the archetype of wisdom and mystery, hidden knowledge and deep secrets.

If we find ourselves needing to seek the cat out, seek the cat out.

It’s our turn.

This is the Game.

Image from The Fractal Art of Paul DeCelle

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.

We can play Cat Poker anytime. If we want the cat to be affectionate, we should.

James Bond.
In my lap.
Happy with his cards.

A terrible thing can happen to cats when they are no longer cute. Like cut flowers or lemon meringue pies, kittens have expiration dates. Sadly, this is when many people lose interest.

Just as it starts getting really interesting.

Kitten have high energies and short attention spans. It’s part of what makes them the adorable assets they are, but they are babies, and not capable of the deep relationships that are the crown jewel in the cat’s Pet Crown. They are kittens for no more than a year, but they are cats for the rest of their lives.

People want to keep the relationship going, but often falter here. They are baffled and hurt by the growing kitten’s display of independence, not understanding that this signals a next step in the relationship. Kittens are a parent/child relationship, as are dogs throughout their lives. But cats grow up and expect a different kind of dynamic. They want the relationship to become friend/friend.

Friends are equal players in the relationship. One person is not expected to do all the work. When the kitten turns pensive, observes us from a distance, or isn’t as much of a visible presence as they used to be, some people shrug, put it down to the independence of cats, and move on.

That’s not what is happening. The kitten is hoping we will miss them. They want to know if we care about them so much that we will seek them out.

So that is what we must do.

If we miss the cat, go ahead and miss the cat. Start calling them. Wonder aloud where they might be, while checking what we know are their favorite places. This shows caring, familiarity, and importance. What cat can resist that?

When we and the cat are reunited, let there be joy. We are glad to see them. They will be glad to see us.

They will, be assured they will.

Because we have just seen them and raised them. Now they have to make an extravagant gesture towards us.

They will, be assured they will.

If one thinks cats are not affectionate, one has not played who-loves-more with a cat. It’s a tough game, because we have to keep raising as long as they do. But we must see them and raise them. They can’t, and keep their self-respect, keep pressing their attentions on someone who seems not to return it.

At some point, the kitten will play the game less and less, and then fold. We will feel sad.

And they will, too.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.