Picking up on Presence: Part 4

To conclude this Human Presence series, I will share the right way to impose our presence. We’ve seen how we can go wrong with attitude, with lack of recognition, and with the wrong moves or the wrong times. So how can we make a good impression on our cat without turning them off?

We must be sensitive to the small ways a cat might be extending the Paw of Friendship. We must mimic these ways in our own efforts, so the cat will recognize them.

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Suppose, as I often hear, that “the cat is only interested in mealtime.” The person feels hurt that the cat doesn’t want to be petted while they eat, though they would be the first to admit it’s difficult to make out and eat hot wings at the same time. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) So what is the right way to leverage the cat’s affection for food into affection for the food-giver?

We can impose our Presence onto the food. We probably haven’t been making a fuss over mealtimes because we are hurt at being ignored at other times. This Cold War will not thaw until we are openly happy to make the cat happy.

Once we are making mealtimes into Dinner Theater, we can build on this mutual good feeling by extending our Presence into other aspects of the event. Before we leave for work, we can take out the dinner can and place it in a prominent position, just begging to be discussed upon our arrival back home. We can celebrate a high point of our mutual evening by breaking out some treats and discussing favorite flavors, or how we made a point of going to the treat section when we were at the store.

We made an effort for them. Show them. Tell them.

Maybe we feel hurt that the cat doesn’t seem to love us, even though we clean the litter every day, and twice on Sundays. So… Show them. Tell them. The cat might already be hanging around, eager for first crack at the new litter.

Tell them how this is not one of our favorite things, but we do it for love. Remind them on trash day, or when we lug in the new container of litter, or just take a random moment out of our day to visit the litter, scoop one thing or top it off.

Take advantage of their appearance at this place of mutual interest to say some kind words and reach out a hand.

When we conclude a play session, do we then try to pet the cat when they are all riled up and ready to see our hand as a plaything? Or do we wait until the cat has settled down for a nap and then show respect by Petting in Place, insuring that the cat both understands what we are doing and recognizes that we care enough to do it right?

When we complain that the cat only cares for us when we are doing something for them, we might not realize that we have created this situation. That we have only gifted the cat with our Presence at such times. That we have ignored the cats overtures at other times because we did not recognize them. That we have not been making recognizable friendship overtures ourselves.

I have described these steps to people, and sometimes they protest that this sounds like too much work. They think the cat should love them, regardless. I tend to think these are the same people who dislike the effort of remembering birthdays and anniversaries, who claim to miss the point of silly little gifts or offering flowers, or who respond to a significant others inquiry about the depth of their love by stating, “I’m here, aren’t i?”

Well, yes. They are. But it’s pretty obvious that someone is asking for something that is just a little bit more.

Our cat, and maybe even our other loved ones, are asking for more than we can give by occasionally taking up space.

By giving the cat the gift of our Presence, the cat will then give us the gift of theirs.

It is from this beginning that all else will flow.

See the whole series on Using Our Presence.

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.