There they will stay until I have to get up. With a huge cup of coffee involved, that is inevitable.
While I alternate my attention between them and my electronic devices, (they approve of my iPod touch, because it leaves more room for them,) they are happy doing very little. And that’s a key to cat understanding.
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They regard their presence as a gift. They regard our presence as a gift.
The first stage of gaining cat affection is proactive. We demonstrate our good intentions by offering reliable food, clean litter, and interesting playthings. Our own happiness in the cat’s appearance to enjoy these things will speak volumes.
Sometimes, that doesn’t seem enough. For either the wary adult, or the grown kitten whose adolescence seems to have rung down the curtain on our relationship, some people find themselves wondering what they can do to have a more affectionate cat. Have they missed the boat?
No. There’s always another boat coming in.
We simply have to recognize it as such.
As I discussed in a previous post, presence is an important concept in cat understanding. We might not realize it also applies to the cat’s relationship with us. There are many occasions where we might acknowledge the cat’s Presence during our time at home.
If we don’t, we are hurting the cat’s feelings without realizing we are doing it. This rift, unseen by us, but looking like the Grand Canyon to our cat, is the real barrier to further development.
We might not realize, even as we make friendship overtures, that we might not be leaving a space for the cat to make friendship overtures of their own. At the time, sure. We extend a hand, they put a body part into it; so far, so good.
If we ask ourselves, “When does the cat make the first move?” and our answer is, “Not often,” we have the oft cited basis for the myth that cats do not initiate affection.
But they do, of course they do. It’s just not recognized.
Because the next move in Cat Poker can often be so subtle, it’s not seen. When not seen, it’s not responded to. When not responded to, it makes the cat feel ignored. And then the relationship stays stuck.
Confident cats don’t have this problem. They are perfectly willing to demand new cards dealt to them. They will jump into laps, appear in front of the screen we are staring at, greet us at the door. They will demand attention.
They will get it.
This is the source of the common boast, “My cat is like a dog. ” The cat may, or may not, fetch. But these cats do demand attention. Like a dog does.
So they get it.
Some cats are born to demand attention. But all cats can have attention thrust upon them. Then they, too, can become these cats.
All we have to do is pick up on the many subtle ways cats ask for attention.
We will then discover how affectionate they can be.
And we will be surprised.
See the next article on Using Our Presence.
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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.
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my cat always shy’s away from my hand when i try to pet him we almost want to throw him out he only come when there is food involved
I have a aprox 7 month old kitten, we rescued her from certain death. My husband found 3 kittens inside a wall almost starved to death, their mother was found days earlier dead, so he brought one home. She was maybe 2 weeks old still doing the “Frankenstein walk”. We bottle fed her for weeks with kitten formula and kept her warm. We had two other cats and neither wanted anything to do with her much so we tried snuggling and playing with her to try to make a bond. Although she doesn’t like to be alone she is not affectionate at all, she will not let you pet her, hold her, or even come sit by anyone. Except she does seem to have a disfunctional love hate relationship with one of our dogs… She loves him and he wants nothing to do with her.
I feel really bummed she doesn’t want to ever be touched, I thought that since we raised her she would love us more than our other annimals? What if anything can I do to get her to want or seak affection?
Chris,
don’t give up too soon. cats follow their own schedule. read my story and see if that gives you some hope.
my cat, Sky, came to me at around 3 months of age after being found frozen to the snow by his own blood. he was rescued by an animal control officer and a local shelter spent their entire budget to pay for the amputation of his right front leg. they think he crawled into a car engine and someone turned it on. a friend who was fostering him through his recovery took one look at him and got the strong feeling that he had to be my cat, and went about convincing me to adopt him.
he had been born feral but must have been around 7 or 8 weeks old when he was injured. he came to me still in recovery from his operation, though his stitches were gone and the hair was about half grown in over the part of his body that had been shaved. he was an opinionated kitten with some bratty attitudes and a streak of violent behavior that could have developed into a real problem; both probably part of the feral life he knew. he was definitely cheerful and wanted to interact with me but he bit me every day for about a year and a half. I’m sure he thought his name was “No Biting.”
I remember one day when I got so frustrated with him I shouted at him, telling him he should go live his life and I will live mine and to leave me alone. I thought he would never come around. he would spend some time visiting with me every day, for about 5 minutes of sweetness and then he would bite me. if he got mad at me he would wait till I was asleep and jump on my bed at night and bite me. many a time I woke up in the morning to find 2 tiny pointed bruises or punctures on my arms or legs. (he also had some rather adorable bratty behavior that makes me laugh to remember.)
I was afraid that if his violent streak took over he would not be able to live with humans, it was that strong. he acted out a threat display with me when he didn’t like what I was doing. he was particularly possessive about his things. he would arch his neck and look sideways at me and then open his mouth wide with teeth bared and slowly approach me. it was clearly a display but I never let him follow through because I am sure he would have taken a big bite if he couldn’t warn me off.
I thought I had made a mistake by adopting him and I worried that I would have to return him to the shelter. that would have been a shame after all he had been through. with some patience and a lot of advice from this blog, I can report hugh success.
I decided he needed to be allowed to be himself in the areas where he wanted to be independent. for instance, he does not want to be picked up, so unless I have to, I don’t do it. he will, on the other hand, jump onto a table or bed or couch if I encourage him to, especially if I promise a hug. pick up is unacceptable but a hug is welcomed.
then I did a lot of patient work with the squirt bottle teaching him that if he attacked me I would attack back with the dreaded drenching. but if he backed down, I would back down. that took a very long time. I wouldn’t be surprised if we are not entirely finished with that yet.
I found him a playful friend, Henry, who gives him a social outlet and encourages him to move around. Sky is just a little over 3 years old now. he hasn’t done the threat display with me for a long time. until recently he did a gentler version of that when Henry and I played together. but even that is changing. in the past few months he has started to play along when Henry and I play together instead of attacking one of us.
he does wrestle with Henry but most of the time that is playful. on the other hand, now his affectionate nature comes through. when he was around 8 months old I thought he would be that aloof cat forever. he didn’t start to show his grown-up personality until he was well into his second year. Sky is a big cat so at 3 years old, he may not yet be fully grown up. he is still working through some of his issues. I do not worry any more that he is too dangerous to live with people. as he grows, his personality gets more and more complex, he loves to communicate with me in his subtle ways. he shows a lot of affection, when he wants to, for as long as he wants.