Many cats are vocal, but it’s an acquired second language they use to talk to humans.

A cat’s primary language is their body language.

To the cat, they are sending clear signals about their mood and intent. Learning these signals, especially learning how cats show trust, will let us make overtures without getting ourselves in trouble.

Because when we pet, we are making overtures with our body language. What are we saying to the cat?

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Wary cats of any age will first regard us from a distance. We shouldn’t be bothered by the cat staring at us, because they are studying our body language to see if we are friendly. We can let them know our good intentions by long, slow, blinks of the eyes. This is a “cat kiss” and conveys the same thing a smile does to people. If the cat responds, we should see the half-closed eyes of a relaxed, happy cat.

We should always let a wary cat make the first overture. They might come over to sniff at us, and we should sit quietly and let them. We want to give the strong impression we are not about to grab them and do something nefarious, and reaching for them before we have established trust is bad manners. Folded back ears, with the tip pointing back, means the cat is still uncertain. But letting the ears droop down the sides of their head means relaxation.

If they wind around our legs, or look up with relaxed ears and forward pointing whiskers, they are still calm. We are getting a strong friendly signal with face rubbing on parts of our body. This is cat marking signals. They are saying, “this belongs to me.” Having us smell like them is reassuring to the cat.

If we are getting friendly moves, we can extend our fist. This does not mean aggression. A closed fist is not poised to grab them, and by folding in our fingers we will not inadvertently poke an eye or an ear if the cat makes a sudden movement. They will examine it carefully, and now we can nudge our hand into their body. Start with the chest, since that is the least frightening area.

Often, the relaxed cat will roll over on their back and present the belly. This is a sign of trust, but be careful about petting that inviting belly. Unless we know the cat very well, the cat can get excited about this expression of vulnerability and grab our hand. Don’t go too far too fast. At first, it is best to admire the belly with happy tones in our voice. This lets the cat enjoy a moment with us without triggering any defensive moves.

We can rub our knuckles on their shoulder or along their back. We often get lowered shoulders and elevated hindquarters. This is a cat’s way of showing openness to overtures. As disconcerting as it might seem to be presented with the business end of the cat, they are offering themselves in a vulnerable position to show trust. A few gentle rubs or scratches at the base of the tail will keep up our end of the deal.

Petting is highly stimulating, and can overcharge the cat without us knowing it. It might be best to start with “scritches,” rubbing the chin or the base of the ears with the ends of our fingers. This is pleasurable for the cat without being overwhelming.

Don’t pat them on the head or roughhouse as you would a dog, because this is threatening behavior. Cats like slow gentle movements. If they draw back when we reach for their head, redirect our hand to their chest, which is always respectful and enjoyable.

Blinking, stretching, and nuzzling, or a leisurely rolling and unrolling tail, are all positive signs of appreciation, while a lashing tail or flattened ears are indications that we are making the cat uncomfortable. Always leave the cat an out; if they want to leave, let them.

Even pleasurable moments can overstimulate the cat and get them charged up.

They will think we are doing it on purpose, since we are In Charge Of Everything. Always stop when we are making the cat uncomfortable and let them find their equilibrium before approaching them again.

Cats in laps are uncertain at first. We can overwhelm the cat by being too eager. Let the cat move in from the arm of the chair or its edge by sitting quietly. Let our lap look more like a surface by spreading a throw or blanket over it. All those valleys and shapes can confuse a cat by making it look like a tricky area to negotiate.

Since we have very clumsy movements compared to cats, and have no tails or mobile ears, we must use our first language, speech, to reassure the cat and keep them aware of our good intentions. We don’t have to use baby talk, though they don’t mind, but we should keep our tones sweet and soft.

Cats move in a world of subtle signals, mutual respect, and delicate dances of friendship. By understanding what the cat is saying to us, our own movements will then communicate our regard and affection.

This is how we build a cat relationship. One small movement at a time.

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.