Thanks for stopping by! Get The Way of Cats, delivered, by asking for my RSS feed. Get my free cat advice newsletter by signing up here and get the FREE eBook, Ten Cat Tricks (Every Human Should Know.)A reader writes:
My new boyfriend teases my cat. My cat is so sweet with me, but [she's] starting to hate him!
Dear Readers,
This is such a common problem. There are many possible reasons.
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Clueless Human. This is probably the most common source of problems, and the most easily fixable.
Ironically, the more the New Love Interest likes the Cat Appreciator, the harder they will try; and this will make things worse, as in this post, Dear Pammy, Where did I go wrong? This is an example of someone who at least figured out he was doing the wrong thing, and asked for help, which is a good sign of someone who really cares.
Sometimes, the Cat Appreciator is also the Clueless Human. They made friends with their cat through a reflexive process which worked for them, but they cannot teach others because they aren’t sure what they did in the first place. Add in their own worries about being “bossy” or coming on too strong in the early stages of a relationship, and they can only stand by helplessly.
The two people involved can work together to solve the Clueless Human problem, with the skills in Making Friends with a Friend’s Cat.
But if our New Love Interest does not respond to a “new skills” offer, what else might be going on here?
Social Anxiety. This New Love Interest problem knows no boundaries of age, experience, or orientation. But there are gender differences, because of culture expectations.
Men can feel they must always act like they are in charge and infallible. This is the security blanket they will reach for when they are insecure. In such a mental state, a man is not going to listen to even the most kindly offered advice.
A woman feels the same pressure to ingratiate herself into the the New Love Interest’s household, right down to the cat. But in her case, society has taught that she is supposed to be the one who makes everyone feel comfortable and get along. Rejection might hurt her “feminine side” as much as failure can jab a man’s “masculine side.”
And, of course, we all have both sides.
For anyone, failure to “make friends” can make us feel unlovable, which is no way to feel while we are dating. The tips in Helping Cats Cope with Guests are designed to let cats proceed at their own pace.
It is our responsibility, in any relationship, to state our preferences. Despite our own desire to be accommodating to our New Love Interest, it is in everyone’s best interest to relieve the pressure by declaring the cat uninterested and off limits.
Why deal with an unnecessary, and damaging, source of tension?
Dog Expectations. Any dating person would like to ingratiate themselves with New Love Interest by becoming friends with their pet. Unlike a dog, for whom just being alive is enough, cats are slow to warm up and careful about proceeding. Some people do not realize this difference, and will persist in treating the cat as though they were a slightly stupid dog.
Such people are used to the way a dog will come and interact with no encouragement at all. So they drag the cat from their hiding place to “play” with them and hold the cat forcibly to “pet” them, all in the expectation that if they just keep trying, the cat will “get it.”
Such people, used to roughousing with dogs, will maintain that the cat likes the teasing because they will not back off. However, a cat with an image to maintain can’t back off because it will make them look weak. In the cat’s point of view, this will invite even more teasing. Also, a cat knows turning tail to run will leave them vulnerable to an attack from the rear. Cats will only run away when they feel they have enough of a head start to get away.
To respond to such behavior, we can remind them that “a cat is not a dog,” explain how cats really feel about teasing, and reassure them the cat doesn’t mind being ignored.
This is a subject where we know more than they do; if they refuse to acknowledge this obvious fact, it’s a bad sign.
Bad Intentions. What if our New Love Interest persists in poor cat interaction despite our good advice, unhappy reaction, and stated wishes?
I can only answer with, Then there’s something wrong with them.
I know this can be a controversial answer. Don’t such ultimatums mean we are fussing too much over a pet? What about the argument that it is “only a cat”? Should such a stand really be the bridge we burn to end a relationship?
Such responses are completely mistaken, because this isn’t about how the New Love Interest treats our cat. It’s really about how the New Love Interest is treating us.
We should shift our lens a bit, in which we view the relationship as “so lovely except for the way they treat our cat,” and instead consider how the New Love Interest responds to other instances where we offered advice, stated our preferences, and showed we were upset.
We might be shocked and surprised to discover that this isn’t a cat problem.
It’s a problem.
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