How well we get our preferences across, and how much respect each of us gives those preferences, is an index of how well we can live together.
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These are Mutual Learning Curves because we need to have a matched communication strategy. We don’t want either of us to feel put upon, or that only one of us is doing all the work in the relationship.
As we make the effort to learn what the cat means, we are communicating why they should make an effort of their own, what our intentions are, and why they should trust us. Since individual cats vary in their skill and talents, and each is an individual, we need to work and play with our cats to develop this vital skill, for both of us.
If one of us is frustrated because we cannot convey to the other what we most want, hurt feelings happen.
We might not be getting much across to the cat, at first. They are learning our language while we are learning theirs.
A serious point of mis-communication I run across is how we humans go in with certain expectations of the cat relationship. When we don’t get them, we blame the cat. On top of that, we attribute hostile feelings to the cat about why we aren’t getting what we want.
I know the cat hates me because they run away when I enter the room.
I want them to sit on my lap! But when I put them there, they scratch me!
I tried to train them, but my dog gets it and they don’t. Cats are stupid.
In the meantime, here is what the cat is thinking:
When they see me, they try to grab me and turn me over to attack my belly.
Oh, great, another forced wrestling session where they press me onto their legs and make me feel trapped.
Why are they yelling at me and hitting me? I’m outa here.
The funny/ironic thing about these cat mistakes is that it is they are the same mistakes people make in human relationships, too.
Can’t he tell I’m upset? Why isn’t he giving me what I’ve been hinting I want? All he does is avoid me!
Oh, great, she’s giving me the silent treatment again. I wish I knew what I’ve done this time. Better just stay out of her way.
I’m not going to make them happy until they make me happy.
It doesn’t work with humans. It doesn’t work with cats. It doesn’t even work with dogs; or there wouldn’t be a huge dog training industry.
We have to be clear what we want, and we have to give the other being the freedom and comfort to be clear about what they want. If it means working on our communication skills to reach that happy point…
This is learning that is never wasted.
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There’s more to raising and training a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CAT TRAINING TIPS.
