The Way of Cats

Alpha cats are the mad scientists of the cat world.

They want to manipulate their environment to suit them. Their lack of thumbs is the only factor keeping them from World Domination. That, and those naps.

Photo from the Pendotech site, Mad Scientist division.

Alphas are marvelous cats, but they are not for everyone. As kittens, they are the reason china cabinets have doors and kitchen cabinets have baby locks. If something can be opened, unfastened, switched, rearranged, or button pressed, it was an Alpha who did it. Their boundless curiosity and free running intelligence is fastened on their reason for being; experimentation. If a thing does interesting stuff when dumped in the water dish, it will be dumped in the water dish.

Alphas would prefer opening their own cans and getting their own water. Since their robot is not quite built yet, they will allow you to make arrangements, but expect an Alpha to add their own customization touches. If they are hungry and you are doing something interesting in another room, they will take a mouthful of food into the room where you are and eat it there. Alphas have been known to use their behind as a pushing tool to move the litter box to a better spot. Alphas know you are here to cater to their whims, or why did you sign up? When you do cater to their whims, they melt all over you with affection. You understand! You think they are great! Well, you are great too!

Like everything else in the environment, you are a promising subject for Alpha experimentation. Alphas are the most likely to train you in ways you didn’t expect. Suppose they are locked in the bedroom with you at night and they want to get out. If other attempts to rouse you are not developing as expected, they will, soon or later, walk on your head. Exasperated, you get up and evict them from the bedroom. Congratulations! Your Alpha has now trained you to open the door when they walk on your head. You need to be able to see these things coming.

The most likely ways Alphas will catch your attention will be doing something that got praise, or laughter, from you in the past. They love the spotlight. They not only like to be with you while you are doing things, they will do their best to do those things too. If you don’t want your Alpha playing with your art set or adding their own ideas to your embroidery, you will have to provide your Alpha with a reasonable facsimile of your own hobby, so the two of you can do the same things, side by side. Few things thrill an Alpha more.

Alphas can more than handle busy households, and most other animals. The biggest problems with Alphas and other living creatures are their tendency to take over any social hierarchies. Timid cats will be terrorized with attention, mild-mannered dogs will start saluting when they walk by, and soft-hearted humans will do their bidding. Anyone without the ability to give and take with an Alpha will need social support to hold their own.

When it comes to toys, the more complicated, the better. They love having cat-safe versions of your favorite toys, and are the challenging target for the makers of puzzle boxes, treat cubes, and remote controlled mice. Pick up busy boxes and other interactive toys for toddlers at garage sales to keep them occupied. Because if you don’t come up with something, they will.

More than any other cat type, Alphas need to be disciplined with persuasion. They want to please you, but when something interesting moves across their sensitive radar, they forget. Sometimes the only persuasion that works are cat traps; motion sensors that spritz water or make loud noises, putting open catalogs over bookcase edges, or leaving tippy boxes full of empty soda cans in forbidden areas are often the only persuaders Alphas understand. They have to make their own mistakes, and take their own consequences. Deciding to leave certain things alone must be their own idea.

Some breeds noted for their Alpha tendencies are Abyssinian, Siamese, Rex cats, and other “Oriental” breeds. Their mixes are easily spotted because of their long legs and lean bodies. Devoted acrobats, they retain their kitten playfulness and energy most of their lives. But any cat can be an Alpha. In kittens, look for a laser like gaze that seems to be constantly computing angles and trajectories, and a stubborn insistence on reaching what they focus on. In shelters, Alphas can look droopy and depressed, because their need for stimulation is so thwarted in this situation. Make some faces at them. If they show interest, they are still open to overtures. Ask the shelter folks for “really smart, kind of nutty, has to have toys” and soon you’ll be the Igor in your home laboratory.

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