What can we say? What do we do? How can we help our cat?
We must remember that we are there for our cat, and that there are people who are there for us. Even if we are unable to have someone accompany us, we will be there with medical professionals who have experience and will help us.
Most animal practitioners are motivated by genuine love of animals; they understand how much we love our cat. They know this is a tough time, and they are not expecting us to be cool, calm, and collected.
Start with what comes naturally; pet our cat, tell them how much we love them, we’re going to fix it, they aren’t going to hurt anymore.
Expect to cry at some point. We can reasonably expect to cry all the way through. We might have entered the room already crying. None of that matters.
This isn’t the kind of crying that happens when we are about to “fall apart.” This is the kind of crying that happens when we feel deeply, love deeply, and don’t care who knows it. We might feel vulnerable by having strangers see us so upset; we might be embarrassed by not being able to control our feelings in public.
No matter what cultural or societal constraints we might feel, we can’t let them get in the way. It doesn’t matter who we are or what we do for a living or what our self-concept might be; here in this room, we are all little babies who are going through sheer heck.
When we made The Decision, the mourning process started, whether we realized it or not. The bad news was bad enough; yet our minds were still busy pressing the vet for our options, figuring out ways this couldn’t be true, coming up with alternate realities where we weren’t facing this.
It’s the mind’s way of helping us deal with bad news. When we can no longer pretend things will get better and we must face our fears head on, we will go into mourning, because the reality is that we must say goodbye.
No one likes to say goodbye.
Saying goodbye with such finality and using their little nicknames for the last time can make us feel at a loss for comforting words. But we need them. We need comforting words to say to our cat. We need comforting words to say to ourselves.
If we have a religion, it might not acknowledge an afterlife for animals. If we have a free-form spirituality, we might or might not believe in an afterlife. If we lean towards a pragmatic philosophy where we aren’t sure, or are sure that there isn’t one, that’s also a position I respect.
But this is not a debate about the meaning of life. We are here for a noble purpose.
Now, more than any time in their life, we must shape the response for our cat. It is impossible for us to be cheerful, but we must say something to the cat that will calm their mind the way our hand is calming their body. We usually cannot hold them, whether we’d like to or not; the vet will worry about incidents and accidents.
But we can always cup their head in our hand, lean close to whisper in their ear, and come up with something that will give our cat a loving framework for what is happening.
If we are able to draw comfort from our framework, we will then be able to convey comfort to our cat.
If it is enough for us to reassure the cat that the hurting will stop and we will always love them, go with that.
If we believe there’s a heaven and we’ll see them there again, go with that.
If we don’t know what to say, read the famous poem about pet loss, the Rainbow Bridge, and go with that.
But we have to go with something.
Because we’re coming up to the worst part now, and both we and the cat will need a framework. Because when the medicine that will “put them to sleep” starts to work, the cat’s body, working on sheer instinct, will signal our cat that they must now struggle to live.
We don’t want that.
This is why the vet doesn’t let us hold them. This is what we have been secretly dreading. This is the moment that will upset our cat, make them panic, and cause them to suffer.
This is the moment our cat needs us the most. This is why we are here.
If we have prepared our framework and been applying it right up to this point, if we put belief in our voice and love in our heart, we can perform a marvelous kindness for our cat.
We can tell them it’s okay, it’s all right, things will be fine, they don’t have to be afraid. They don’t have to worry about us. They can go.
When it is us reassuring our cat, us telling them not to worry, us believing in what we are saying with every bit of our heart and all the emotion of this moment; our cat will trust us and not be afraid.
We can send them over the threshold without suffering.
This sounds daunting. But that is why it is heroic.
Whatever our beliefs, whatever our fears or worries, this is for our cat.
And, this is for us, too.
Because when we have been able to be there for our cat and experience our incredible connection at the most meaningful time, all those things we say to ourselves to soothe our loss… will actually work.
They had a good life. They knew I loved them. I was able to do all I could.
No matter how young or old our cat was, whatever mistakes we might have made along the way, or how deeply we will miss them, we will get through our mourning when we discover we can do this extraordinary act for our cat.
Then our loss, while still deeply felt and saddening, will not torment us.
Then we can complete the mourning process; and we will be at peace.
The toughest part of having a cat is deciding to say goodbye. Find help in my posts on coping with end of life issues.
Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to care for our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on mourning our cat.
good job pammy…..that must have been as hard to write as to read…. i cried of course…
Thank you. That must have been really hard to write. It was very hard to read and made me cry. Ah, I see Catlindy said the same above me.
I am still afraid that they will be so frightened when the time comes. That I won’t be able to comfort them enough, that they won’t understand. I will do my best, letting my kids suffer is not something I could do, but I am afraid it won’t be enough.
Well, yes, I cried. But while it never gets easier, it can be handleable, and I’ve found this method soothes both me, and my cat.
When we act out of love, our cat always understands.
While we are sad, we shouldn’t be frightened. It always helps people to know what they can do. I offer my method, as always, so we can Be There for Our Kitties.
Always.
I am so in pain. My cat, Buddy is and always has been just so very, very special. He is a beautiful “Tuxedo” black & white and Buddy came into my life a little over 11 years ago just after I went through a divorce. We instantly became a pair and he has been my true companion ever since. Although I have five cats, Buddy has always been the most special. In late July (2009) he developed what was thought to be a rotten tooth and accompanying gum infection. It turned out to be much more serious………Oral Squamous Cell Carcinoma (Feline). Oral surgery was performed Tuesday (9/15/09) and the vet called me today (9/17/09) with the biopsy results. Prognosis: A few days, probably a week to ten days at most. I have to face the inevitable and make the hard choice – my grief is profound. Please God, let my Buddy rest in peace…….and let me find peace as well.
Oh, Rodney, that’s awful. I know what it’s like to lose such a “special” one. My thoughts are with you.
I came across this article while searching for comfort and it was beautiful to read and yes i cried too i have just lost my dear cat Fluffy he was taken ill suddenly and i stayed up all night with him and got him to the vet first thing only to hear what i dreaded and im not afraid to admit i was breaking my heart from the word go i just crumbled, he had chronic liver failure and had to be put to sleep that was on fri 2/4/10 this is now 2 days on and im still crying he was only 8 years old i loved him with all my heart and soul and always will and yes i do believe we will be reunited someday i take comfort from that and i hope others do to.
After much struggle and heroic efforts to make Prissie well, I finally decided on a Christmas Eve two years ago that I had to let her go in peace. The last effort was to have been a possible blood transfusion on Christmas Eve. She was suffering and I didn’t want to prolong the agony. I wish I had read this before then. I couldn’t imagine watching as my sweetie was put to sleep. Had I know about the fight to survive in this article, I would have stayed with her to the end. Even without being there the loss was tremendous. I just now adopted another kitten.
We just euthanized our cat yesterday. He was ill and it was the hardest thing I ever did. The vet was great. He put the catheter in behind the scene and injected enough medicine to relax our cat. Then he brought him to us all wrapped up in a blanket and put our beloved cat to sleep. He said many nice words about our cat as he had known him for many years. It was such a relief to see our cat slip into a relaxing sleep. When he was gone, he just looked like he was sleeping. It was a peaceful experience. My husband and I and our child were crying but not distressed. I would recommend for anyone questioning whether to be there when your animal is euthanized, to not be afraid. It was the most natural thing to do – the logical and humane conclusion to the beautiful life he lived. Keep the focus on your pet until he is at peace, and then focus on yourselves.
Thank you so much for this post; it’s the only one I’ve seen that actually gives advice on how to handle those final moments, and helped me to make that plan. I realize now that I cannot allow myself to cry during that appointment, for my kitty’s sake. She is so tuned to me that when I cry, she gets upset and cries too. So for her, I will remain calm; I will comfort and soothe her and make the transition as gentle as possible. I can give reign to my grief afterwards. I have a wonderful vet who has gently walked along side us through this whole illness, and will come to my house and put kitty to sleep while she lays on my lap. I am so thankful to have this option.
A million thankyou s for your words – I found a vet who was amazing with us , even though she didn’t know us at all. I seemed to do what was instinctive – My loving & amazing cat was put asleep last Friday – I cried , even though I (daftly) thought I’d be strong – My tears fell on to my cat, – I was talking to her all the time as the vet gently let her go . When I got home – it was then I cried out loud – I have peace knowing that the life me & my daughters & my husband gave her & the love & affection she gave us back was the best ever & she wouldn’t want to be in pain & distress. ( She had advanced intestinal cancer) – & her spirit will be around always . xxx -
I write this through tears as I try to accept the fact that it is time to let my little one go. Gizmo has been my constant companion for the last 18 years and has been through more with me than any human has been. I always turn to him for comfort and am so lost knowing that I’m not going to be able to do that anymore, especially now, at the time that I have needed comfort most in my life. Giz has had kidney disease for the last couple of years and has continued to live a pretty comfortable life up until the last couple of weeks. He has pretty much stopped eating, or at least what little he is eating, is not really enough to keep him going. I have switched from dry food to wet and this has perked his interest a little, but he still goes and lays down in the office, away from everybody, and goes right to sleep as soon as he is done. In reading your article, I learned to ask myself if he’s still happy, and I have to say that for the most part, he is not. It’s those morning and evening snuggles, as brief as they are these days, where he crawls up on my chest and lays down and purrs that makes me question if it’s time or not. He may be happy at that mom
ent, but is that enough to make it worth living to him? I wish I knew just how much discomfort he is in, as I think that would help me to make the decision easier. Thank you so much for writing these articles…just hearing what others have gone through and what to expect has been a big help at this most difficult time. My heart goes out to anyone who has loved and lost like this…it’s so painful.
I see I’m not the only one who’s torn apart right now. Gizersmom, I know what you’re going through because I’m going through the same thing now. My little sweetheart, Rita was diagnosed with congestive heart disease in September. I’ve had her for 6 years now. I found her after Hurricane Rita had decimated the southwest Louisiana Gulf Coast in 2005. She was living near a fish plant in Cameron Parish, Louisiana. How she made it through that hurricane is a miracle. Whoever owned her before had declawed her and just left her there to fend for herself through that hurricane. After I found her I took her home and the last half dozen years she’s lived a life of comfort with always a full tummy and a soft bed to sleep on. But I could tell she had been losing weight the last couple of weeks and the vet told me that there really wasn’t any hope. I just wanted to ease her suffering. So this afternoon, I held her and said goodbye to my little angel. Then Dr. Woodward, who is a very competent, very caring veterinarian came in the room and gave her the shot that put her to sleep as if she was just laying down for a nap. I don’t honestly know if we ever meet our pets in an after life, but I certainly hope so. I’m praying that Rita is in an afterlife where she’s healthy and happy like she used to be before she got sick and when she’d curl up on my lap while I’d be watching TV.
My Precious is 17 years of age and she is very ill where our vet will be coming to our home tomorrow to let her rest.
I am a man with a family of four children and a caring wife, I pride myself on being strong for protecting my family, but I find myself very weak when having to make this decision. I cannot stop crying and feeling guilt that I have not done enough to protect my Precious from getting ill or if I had not paid close enough attention to her needs where I could have detected this earlier. Precious has a tumor in her face that has wrapped itself around her Eustachian tube, which means, she has no balance. On top of that, she has an enlarged thyroid which is compounding her medical issues and the reason for her weight loss.
She went from being my little girlie to losing massive amounts of weight regardless of how much she ate in on a month’s time. Multiple vet visits to our house over the past 14 months were not enough, medication were not enough, I have been watching my Precious slowly die and my guilt for not being able to let go and make the decision sooner is so profound.
She looked at me and in her face, it looked as she was saying she was too tired to go on and that broke my heart and I have been a wreck ever since.
Precious was born in July 1995 and is a Maine Coon. While stationed in Cheyenne, WY at FE Warner AFB, how I found her was an accident as I went to a pet store which sold fish and birds, but she was there, roughly 6 weeks old, eye’s not fully opened and the only feline in the store alone in a cage, crying for me and it was love at first sight for me.
She has been with me though the lowest parts of my life, when I was starting off into adulthood, she was there for me through all the highs in my life (getting my first job after college, buying a house, marrying and starting a family….list goes on).
She is part of me and letting her go is the most painful thing I have ever had to do. My children are 3 years of age, triplets, they don’t understand the big picture, but they know Precious is sick and that daddy is sad.
I don’t care what people think of my sadness nor am I embarrassed about showing it. But, what I am scared of is not being strong for my Precious tomorrow when the time is here. She trust’s me and has loved me unconditionally and I feel so much sadness in losing her by *ME* making the decision. I must have her feel safe though this process and that is the strength I am in search of.
This comment I am writing is more for me to express my feelings, for me, but also to share her story.
Precious is not a pet to me, she is my companion and a part of me and I love her more than most people can understand.
I miss her dearly even while she is still here.
Precious, I love you so deeply and I hope you find comfort and peace and most of all, that you will find me when my time comes.
Your loving friend, for life, Daran…..
It has been hard to see through my tears as I read what others before me have shared about their overwhelming love of their pets. I lost my dear DeeDee in December after 17 years and now, today, I will have to let my Smallie go. The love that I feel for her and the bond that we share is something only another animal lover could understand. Through thick and thin, good and bad, she has been by my side……….crawling into bed with me every night to sleep by my side. What will I do with out her support; her unconditional love, her “rabbit” fur, her unique little meow…her waiting to see me EVERY day….It is unbearable…..She has been diagnosed with renal failure and I wanted to know that I exhausted each and every possibility to keep her comfortable. I think she is waiting for me……to tell her that it is ok to go…………run after the butterflies with DeeDee…bask in the sun; where there is no pain and suffering. My heart is so heavy……there are no words to express. My life will never be the same without her.
Peace be with us all. Our animals came to share their time with us and we have been blessed beyond words. Our lives are richer because of them and the immeasurable joy they brought to us.
My pet cat Maggie is 10-12 yrs old, and now I’m having to face the difficult decision of possibly having to put her down. Originally she belonged to my sister who couldn’t afford to look after her so my mother took her in along with Maggie’s mother.
I first noticed Maggie had problems when she was off her food and from then on it got progressively worse, she started weeing herself uncontrollably and mewing like she was in pain and it hurt me to see her like this so I spent time with her until I could take her to the vet the next day. I took her to the vet and it turned out she has problems with her kidneys and her liver and she’s a little bit diabetic and the vet mentioned in the notes she may of been poisoned. She spent some time in the vet clinic and they put her on a drip and made sure to feed her fluids and insulin to boost her system. Now however, I have been nursing and feeding her at home but I’m not sure if it’s made a difference or not all I can do is pray I guess but I’m still scared of saying goodbye to her. I have had many cats over the years but it never gets any easier to say goodbye to them.
Worried Owner, UK