After four years of dating, my boyfriend and I have decided to move in together. Unfortunately, I have a cat and want cats in my future (and have had them since we met); my boyfriend does not.
… He has said that my bringing a cat into the house would signify that I didn’t care about his happiness. (Never mind that I have addressed every single issue he had with the cat; I literally made a list—nails, hair, litter—and found viable solutions to each, but it has made no difference at all.)
But I am a writer, home several days a week, and cats are no small part of my happiness… I only have a single cat, but he will not negotiate at all. He will not live with her. And I don’t want a future without pets. What should we do?
Read Prudence’s answer, here and here. But what really intrigued me was the last question this advice seeker asked:
But breaking up over a cat is insane, isn’t it?
Hmmm. Of course, I know it’s easy for me to say this is a dealbreaker. I married someone who was more than willing to take on my cat family, and has grown to be a self-described Cat Person. But I sense something more going on than mere Cat Prejudice, which is usually rooted in fear.
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What I’m sensing is an unsettling whiff of control issues. And if there’s anything that should make us run away as fast as we can, it’s someone showing signs of inflexibility on what makes us happy.
I’ve been an animal lover my whole life, and there’s been few stretches where a pet was not a part of it. This is what makes me happy, and the whole point of committed relationships is that we make each other happy. Even if there are compromises along the way.
This boyfriend isn’t even offering up issues that would require real negotiation, such as whopping allergies or having been mauled by a puma. He’s asking her to give up something very important… simply because he wants it that way. He’s making demands about his happiness, and is being completely uncaring about hers.
An insecure person is the most likely to create these dramas. They get reassurance about how much love there is by how much the other person is willing to give up.
That’s not love. That’s a power play.
These struggles are doomed to failure, because what is being asked for isn’t really love. It’s an unreasonable demand to say, I love you… if you’ll change.
We can become more tidy, or less obsessive about it. We can move to a different area, accept messy hobbies, or give rock climbing a try. But accepting love on condition of giving up a part of ourselves will breed resentment.
Especially since power plays never stop, until they’re stopped.
It’s diabolically clever, isn’t it? It’s only a cat. It’s deceptive because to many people, it seems like a small thing. But it’s not. As the advice seeker pointed out, it’s an important part of her life. He knows he’s asking her to give up something very important to her; and not in the short term, but forever. Put that way, it’s not a small thing at all, is it?
I feel that if this person gives up her cat to get the boyfriend, that will not only leave a hole in her heart he refuses to fill, it will only be the beginning of the givings up for his sake. His happiness will always hinge on what she can do for him. With the insecure, it is never, ever, enough.
So, is it crazy to break up over a cat?
Not as described in this case. The crazy part is not letting a person love anything but them.
It’s crazy to think giving up love will get us more.
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There’s more to choosing a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CHOOSING A CAT.
very insightful pammy…. i hope she gets and takes your advice.. it may literally save her life
I agree Pammy, well said. It sounds truly like a control issue. That is probably why I am not married. Couldn’t find anyone that would put up with all my animals. But you do have a good sense for this stuff. Good job.
You have great insight, and I agree with you on your comments.
I’m just wondering how they had a 4 year relationship and this was never brought up before! “Oh, by the way, you’re allowed to have you cats… until we move it together.”
Great point, Ann K! One of the comments there said he must have been in her house before, so why is the cat such a big thing now?
Also, I feel that it’s really not about the cat, yet this will be a cat vs date issue to most people.
It’s also highly inconsiderate. What kind of fellow would take away someone’s pet? It’s cruel to do it to a three year old, and it’s cruel to do it to a thirty year old. Or any age.
As (apparently) the only male here, may I speak?
If she keeps the cat, he’ll abuse the shit out of the poor cat. If she gets rid of the cat, he’ll do the same to her. I have a friend who trapped herself in an abusive relationship based on “He’ll change!” Fuck no, he won’t!
Yes, it’s not abuse now. It never starts that way. Like you say, it’s about control. If he wanted her to give up her child for adoption, would this even be a question of what she should do? He views her cat as an object, not a living, loving friend. A pet’s not that ugly sofa you’ve had since college.
My friend listened to her friends, and wised up and got out. After the verbal abuse and the breaking of her stuff, but fortunately before the physical abuse of her and her young daughter started. She’s a smart woman. May Dear Prudence’s writer be as smart.
Thanks, Bill, I love that analogy. Especially since, in four years of dating, this has not come up as such a big thing? (Though I wonder what else has.) Yes, a clear warning sign.
My husband and I actually got together partly because his previous girlfriend was cat-intolerant, and he loves cats.
We now have 6, partly intentionally and partly due to the Fates- but we both love them all.
I hope the letter-writer dumps the over-controlling dude.
Sounds like your dude made all the right choices
I realize that this is an old thread, but….
I can’t help but think that this forum has been REALLY one-sided. The cat lovers seem to be taking great pleasure in hearing other (disillusioned) people tell them what they want to hear.
This has been frustrating to read. As an allergy sufferer, the presence of a cat threatens to end my engagement. There have been several accusatory statements about men in my position. This is not about power or control, or abuse, or meanness. This issue is about priorities and comfort and health. I would like my fiancee to find another home for her cat so that I can be happy in our space.
I love my fiancee very much, but feel that I am forced to make her choose between me and the cat. This is a really unfortunate and heartbreaking situation.
I just wanted to urge cat lovers to understand the difference between pets and people, and recognize that people (especially loving fiancees) are way more important than cats.
I’m so sorry you are an allergy sufferer. I, too, suffer from allergies, and they are not fun. But it seems to me that there are avenues you could take to lessen or even eliminate your allergies using shots, or other therapies, and I get the feeling from your post that you are not even open to these types of ideas. This smacks of a power play to me. Before I found my fiancé, I made it clear that anyone I dated had to love animals and especially cats. To ask your fiancée to give up her loving friend for you seems very selfish.
I have allergies too; my doctor specifically told me I should get rid of my cats. NO WAY. My husband, who does not have allergies, agrees with me. Sorry, my allergies and comfort are not more important to me than love and the love from a pet is far more forgiving than love between people.
Nice information, numerous thanks to the author. It’s incomprehensible to me now, but in general, the usefulness and significance is overwhelming. Many thanks again and great luck!
Its an old thread, but it intrigued me and reminded me of my own story. I was dating a man who was an all around animal lover, but had never known cats and was under that “aloof cat” misconception. I have had at least one feline companion for the past 20 years, and at the time I had three. After dating for about a year, we started discussing living together, and that’s when he ventured “wow, three cats is a lot. Would you think about giving one up?” Knowing this was a critical moment, I looked him square in the eye and said “Sure, you pick which one.” After he managed to make his mouth work again, he spluttered “I can’t do that … how would I choose?” And of course I responded, “Then how do you expect me to? You knew I had cats going in, if this was a deal breaker you should have said so then.”
So … all three cats and I moved in. He became (as I knew he would) the best cat daddy anyone could ask for, and he is absolutely devoted to them. Two years ago I (and the cats) allowed him to give us his last name.
That’s a lovely story! Especially the way you so neatly turned the tables.
This situation is close to my heart. My boyfriend moved in last fall. He knew I had three cats at the time, but never really thought about what it would be like to live with them. It wasn’t easy. Cat hair, litter boxes and counter surfing, I’ve learned, are not easy for the uninitiated.
Plus, my male cats were so jealous they hissed at him all the time. Sadly, I lost my female cat to illness, one male had to go live with my mother because the other male turned on him (too many changes for him to handle I guess).
At one point, he tried the “if you care about me…” tactic but I refused.
I ultimately told him that I love animals, all animals and particularly cats. I WILL have one in my life, it’s part of who I am. Over time he has seen this and has come to understand.
I volunteer for the cat program at the local shelter. Last week we adopted a girl kitty that I had been drawn to. She and my boyfriend met first, liked each other and so we decided she should come home with us.
Her first night he slept in the guest room with her because when he checked in on her before bed, he thought she looked lonely. She curled up next to him all night.
He spent his lunch hour the next day at PetSmart.
People can learn to accept and maybe even love our little furry overlords.
I understand where the man is coming from, b/c I have a very similar issue. My gf has (2) cats, on male & one female. The female is generally okay, and I don’t have a problem with her. But, the male has a problem with me. He has tempermant issues. He always hisses & growls at me, and looks at me like he is plotting a 911 attack. I’ve never experienced anything like this.
She wants to marry me, but I really cannot stand the behavior of this cat, and it seems, at times, that she is putting him before me. She also wants to start a family, but I don’t trust this cat enough to have a child in the same zip code as him. If she gets rid of the cat, she’s hurt. If I end the relationship, she’s hurt. I really can’t win, here.
She trusts him. You, don’t. Try to make friends with him?