The Way of Cats

I have good relationships with my cats. But the great thing about cats is; there’s always more.

More ways they can play with us, more ways to show their interest, and more ways to give and receive affection.

As cats grow, they also grow in wisdom, intelligence, and their capacity to interact with us. When we expand the cat’s opportunities to plumb their potential, we might feel a bit of awe at how eagerly they will leap at the chance to deepen our relationship.

Try some of these [tag]cat affection games[/tag]. Prepare to be surprised.

I have some rotating feature articles to help find new ways of showing how much we love the cat.

Cat Poker

Last modified on 2008-12-28 19:44:45 GMT. 3 comments. Top.

We can play Cat Poker anytime. If we want the cat to be affectionate, we should.

James Bond.
In my lap.
Happy with his cards.

A terrible thing can happen to cats when they are no longer cute. Like cut flowers or lemon meringue pies, kittens have expiration dates. Sadly, this is when many people lose interest.

Just as it starts getting really interesting.

Kitten have high energies and short attention spans. It’s part of what makes them the adorable assets they are, but they are babies, and not capable of the deep relationships that are the crown jewel in the cat’s Pet Crown. They are kittens for no more than a year, but they are cats for the rest of their lives.

People want to keep the relationship going, but often falter here. They are baffled and hurt by the growing kitten’s display of independence, not understanding that this signals a next step in the relationship. Kittens are a parent/child relationship, as are dogs throughout their lives. But cats grow up and expect a different kind of dynamic. They want the relationship to become friend/friend.

Friends are equal players in the relationship. One person is not expected to do all the work. When the kitten turns pensive, observes us from a distance, or isn’t as much of a visible presence as they used to be, some people shrug, put it down to the independence of cats, and move on.

That’s not what is happening. The kitten is hoping we will miss them. They want to know if we care about them so much that we will seek them out.

So that is what we must do.

If we miss the cat, go ahead and miss the cat. Start calling them. Wonder aloud where they might be, while checking what we know are their favorite places. This shows caring, familiarity, and importance. What cat can resist that?

When we and the cat are reunited, let there be joy. We are glad to see them. They will be glad to see us.

They will, be assured they will.

Because we have just seen them and raised them. Now they have to make an extravagant gesture towards us.

They will, be assured they will.

If one thinks cats are not affectionate, one has not played who-loves-more with a cat. It’s a tough game, because we have to keep raising as long as they do. But we must see them and raise them. They can’t, and keep their self-respect, keep pressing their attentions on someone who seems not to return it.

At some point, the kitten will play the game less and less, and then fold. We will feel sad.

And they will, too.

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.

Cats and Emotions

Last modified on 2008-08-23 02:08:48 GMT. 1 comment. Top.

In the words of Carole Wilbourn, The Cat Therapist, “Cats have feelings.” Cats live a life composed of emotions that are deeply felt and quickly stirred.

Many people think of cats as being aloof and indifferent. But that’s only when they do not trust. With trust comes those melting moments that create fans of cats.

Like us, cats are thinking beings who use their intellectual capacity to fulfill their emotions. Even an intellectual thrill is, at bottom, an emotion we like to feel. We live our lives looking for those good emotions, and avoiding the bad ones. So do cats.

A cat’s routine consists of looking forward to happy emotions like dinner and playtime, and then experiencing them. When we are the providers of these good times, we are regarded highly, but on a scale that corresponds to our own emotions about these times.

If we dump the food in the bowl and throw out a toy before we leave the room, we are providing for the cat, but in a lonely way. The cat will then keep their happy emotions to themselves.

We’ve indicated we do not want to share.

It is not possible to do this with a dog. A dog’s need for social interaction is such a part of their nature that they will pester their human until they get attention. Humans interpret this as a measure of how much the dog loves them, and cannot help but respond.

It’s true, the dog loves us. But so does the cat. However, the cat is wired differently. Without the overt demonstration, how can a human tell if the cat likes them?

We need to be alert to the different way a cat extends their overtures of friendship. Instead of jabbing their nose into our lap, a cat will simply appear.

Here they are, on our radar. Do we notice? Do we say something nice to them? Do we hold out a hand, indicating we would like a cat head in it?

Or, as so often, does the human run down the bowl and litter status, conclude the cat can’t want anything, and go back to what they are doing?

There. We’ve just rejected the cat. With hurt feelings, the cat withdraws to a sleeping spot, to internally debate whether we don’t like them, or we are just stupid. While we, the humans, complain that the cat isn’t affectionate.

These signals are being sent all the time. As we consider ourselves the brighter being, it is up to us to look for these overtures of friendship, and respond to them.

We should show the cat that their mere presence is something we like and find interesting. This will encourage the cat to show they like us, and do interesting things. This is not, ever, a one sided relationship, where we take and they give. The cat can only give back what has been bestowed upon them.

That’s their way.

They are born with a self-contained dignity that prevents them from continually making overtures when these overtures are rebuffed. That’s because they have strong feelings that are easily hurt. They are sensitive and have big hearts. They simply do not show that in situations where they worry about rejection. It hurts too much.

We can understand that, can’t we?

After all, even Mr. Spock had emotions. Deeply hidden, but deeply felt.

Once we knew that, didn’t it make him all the more fascinating?

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.

The Game of Mutual Regard

Last modified on 2008-12-28 20:43:06 GMT. 3 comments. Top.

Cats are unfairly characterized as being indifferent and not capable of showing affection. How can we make a cat more affectionate? We must play their game.

There are many games in cat poker, but the biggest game is called Mutual Regard. Where the aces are always wild, and we hold them.

Unlike dogs, cats don’t extend the paw of friendship automatically. Dogs don’t play the Game. They can’t. Despite any indifference a person may show to their dog, the dog keeps coming back. That’s their pack nature.

They must have social contact, they have to get it, they cannot be persuaded not to ask for it. Like the Bill Murray character in the movie What About Bob?, they need, they need, they need.

People who are used to the way dogs are capable of demanding attention can be thrown by what they perceive as the cat’s coolness towards them.

Cats are wired differently. Once past the kitten stage, they want adult sensibilities in their relationships. No one is supposed to unilaterally override the other’s wishes. It’s a partnership, not an army. Each party is expected to take up the slack when needs shift and desires differ.

This is not a bug. It’s a feature.

So how do we show the cat that we understand The Game?

Take some time every evening to concentrate on the cat. Follow them around, chatting, with their name frequently mentioned. They will wander around, looking back to see if we are following, and maybe even take us on a tour of their favorite spots. Oh, here’s the window for birdwatching. Yes, here’s the food dish. Is it time for dinner already? Okay, let’s get our show on the road.

Perhaps our cat is displaying a reluctance to be picked up. After all that tussling as a kitten, we are hurt. Don’t they love us any more? They do, but they also want to know that we can be trusted with their greater weight, and whether or not we will respect their adult wishes, now that they are getting some.

We can pet them, rub their head, even move their bodies around a little, but let them keep their feet on the ground. This makes them feel more in control of the situation. Put our hands around their torso as though we are going to pick them up, but then we don’t. Surprise! Thought I was going to pick you up, didn’t you? I fooled you! This can be a great Mutual Regard move.

This is Petting in Place, a sign of respect.

The person who cares enough to treat the gift of their friendship with the honor it deserves will see the cat’s moves for what they are; an invitation to demonstrate their own devotion. Then the cat, according to the rules, will have to make an extra effort of their own, and wait in suspense to see if we will keep on raising the stakes. If we care, we will see them and raise them.

This is the Game of Mutual Regard.

All great things flow from the Game. Love. Harmony. Humor. Creativity. Peace. The joyous interplay of living beings reveling in each others company. Without the demands of authority and subservience creating stress and tension.

This is the feature set of cats, and it is a powerful one. It has let cats move into markets far beyond their original niche of rodent control. They command a compelling slice of the companion positions among artists, writers, inventors, scientists, and intellectuals. They have inspired poetry, memoirs, and outright worship across cultures. They hold the archetype of wisdom and mystery, hidden knowledge and deep secrets.

If we find ourselves needing to seek the cat out, seek the cat out.

It’s our turn.

This is the Game.

Image from The Fractal Art of Paul DeCelle

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.