Definitely.
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After all, we have no doubt that cats can love us, and each other. With love, there is also the recognition of loss.
It was a long time ago now, when I picked up a cat magazine and read a letter from a woman who was confused and troubled. She had taken in her daughter’s pet cat after the daughter’s death. She asked about care; she had never had a cat before.
But in her questions about taking proper care of the cat was a bigger one; why did the cat hang around the boxes of her daughter’s things that she had stacked in her child’s old room, as yet unable to do anything about them?
When, moved by her loss, she had laid out her daughter’s favorite skirt on the bed; the cat had claimed it and spent a lot of time lying on it.
The magazine counseled sensible cat care tips; and suggested that the cat associated the familiar smells of the daughter’s things with comforting memories of their former home. Just as unspoken was what both the letter writer and the letter answerer knew was true; yet hesitated to put into words.
That the cat missed the daughter profoundly, and longed to be with her again. Very much as the mother did.
As someone with both academic training in psychology, and long experience observing cats, I understand when I make myself vulnerable to criticism for too much anthropomorphism. This is the practice of attributing human characteristics to animals; and is severely frowned upon by science.
It is true that this outlook can lead us down the wrong path; we can hesitate to alter our cats, decide to let them roam unsupervised, and be reluctant to interfere in how our cats shape their relationships with each other. All from a misplaced sense of how we would feel about having our reproductive, recreational, and relationship activities curtailed in such a way.
This is the wrong side of anthropomorphism; as wrong as wanting our cats to wear clothes or drive cars. Cats handled their own affairs in the wild. But they are not in the wild now. When they live with us, they are both happier and better cared for when we remove their hormonal influences, take steps to safeguard them in a World They Did Not Make, and monitor their cat companionship options for maximum harmony.
It might not be how the cat would decide in a theoretical perfect world. But in our present, imperfect world, these steps balance our cat’s autonomy with their happiness. As we all do.
So when I describe a cat’s actions as stemming from insecurity or grief, this is a simple observation that is just as supported as describing a cat’s actions from fear or panic; emotions scientists will attribute to animals without feeling that they are anthropromorphizing. They feel scientific about fear in animals because it is observable and the animal’s actions conform to a fear reaction.
So when I say cats feel grief, I’m doing the same thing. Cats seek out shared objects or experiences that remind them of the lost individual, they show signs of unhappiness after a loss, and they display distress when the passed on being’s name is mentioned.
Just as we do.
Cats don’t drive cars to find prey, or get upset about losing equipment they are not aware they have; such concerns are outside of the cat’s conceptual experience. While such speculations are funny in cat cartoons, it is because it is not normal for cats to think such things. It is a juxtaposition that is funny because it is absurd.
But some situations and feelings are shared by both cats and humans. Love, and loss, are two sides of the same coin. My concept of proper cat care is based on such “shared emotional money.”
Respect, consideration, empathy, intelligence, and how cause and effect work; these might be expressed differently by cats and humans, but they are concepts that are also shared by cats and humans.
So when we lose someone from the household, we should recognize that cats also feel it. Searching for the gone one when their name is mentioned, having digestive upsets, pacing and wailing, and lying around in a depressed funk are all ways cats express their grief.
We should discuss the situation with the cat as we would with a small child; simple expressions of how much we also miss the gone one, how circumstances made them unable to remain in the body we knew them in, and explaining how they might continue on in whatever way we believe to be so. We can tell our grieving cat that we love them and that we, and they, are not going to go away because of it.
Just as with a child, they might not understand everything we are saying. But they feel comforted by the effort we make towards reassurance.
Because it is reassurance, and grief is easier when it is shared. We don’t need to worry about whether they “understand.”
Because, after all, how well do we understand it, ourselves?
The toughest part of having a cat is deciding to say goodbye. Find help in my posts on coping with end of life issues.
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There’s more ways to care for our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on mourning our cat.
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My cat Aptar just died. I had her for about 11 years. She had a son Reptar which we still have. They didn’t get along even though she was his mom. Well my question is I think he’s depressed? But they didnt get along is this possible? And he never sleeps with me but he has been lately. He will come to my room and scratch on the door, something he’s never done. Is this a sign he might die too? They say cats act strange before they die???
Profound :O. Thank you for writing and sharing this with us. This was both very moving and extremely informative. Thank you so much!
Crystal, I think Reptar is just adjusting to his new situation. He probably feels uncomfortable during this change. If he didn’t get along with her, he still needs time to adjust. I’m sure he will be alive and fine
2wks ago, we put our 16yr old orange tabby, K.C. to sleep. We’d tried for over 2wks to save him. (syringe fed, Sub Q IV, meds etc) sadly, he didn’t get better. My husband & I, are heartbroken, he’s been with us since birth & we’re devastated by the loss. We have 2 other cats, an 11yr old, Gris Chat, (adopted 4yrs ago) & a 14yr old cat, we’ve had since birth, Penny. She was born of K.C. & Patches (our beautiful girl Patch died 6yrs ago). Gris Chat was close with K.C. & they cuddled, played, wrestled & groomed each other daily. He seems to accept K.C.’s absence. K.C. was Penny’s biological daddy, they were beyond close…best friends…she was her daddy’s girl. We had our vet do a home euthanization, which went very poorly, (we’re not pleased). Our vet caused unnecessary stress for our sick cat & major stress for our other 2 cats. Our cats could hear the screams, growls & hisses of our sick cat, (I can still hear him in my head…absolutely horrific), they’d been in our bedroom & by the time we let them out, the vet was gone & we’d laid our deceased cat K.C., out on a blanket on the couch. Both cats took turns being by K.C.’s side. Gris Chat was a bit freaked, his fur went puffy & he made a sad little cry, when he realized K.C. was gone…he jumped off the couch & went to lay down. Penny sat by K.C.’s body, crying mournfully. We let her stay by his side for a couple of hours, talking to her, petting her, & saying our tearful good-bye’s to our cat of 16yrs. When we wrapped our dead cat in his favourite blanket & put him in a box, Penny kept rubbing herself up against the box & crying. It calmed her when K.C.’s body left our home to be buried at a friend’s property. For the first few days afterwards she seemed ok….except for an unprovoked, out of character attack on me the day after K.C. died. For the last 10 days, she walks through the house calling for her K.C. She cries out for him over & over. Her eyes look so sad. She seems distant & far off…she stares at the wall for hours on end. She’s never been fond of Gris Chat (who seems mostly unaffected by K.C.’s death & he’s tried many times to befriend Penny before & after the death). She’s mourning & depressed. She’s eating less, & doesn’t want to spend time with us. She’s stopped sleeping in our bed, (where they’ve all slept for years). When she gets in the chair where she slept in with K.C for years….she spends 10min sniffing where K.C. used to lay, & finally lays on her side of the chair, leaving the space where her buddy always laid beside her…open. She’s lost interest in being cuddled by me (she lets hubby give her cuddles) she’s lost interest in toys, catnip & treats. She seems angry with me. The day K.C. died, I’d held him on my chest, in my arms while I whispered words of love in his ear, as he passed away. After Penny found K.C. had died, Penny kept sniffing the shirt I’d worn when I’d held him him…dying. The day after he died, she attacked me & bit me (really hard too…just out of the blue). I was on my laptop, sitting where I’d sat when I held K.C. in his last breathes, & she lunged from the other side of the couch, at my hand, growling, hissing & very aggressive. She’s never done this before…ever. There haven’t been attacks since, but she doesn’t want much to do with me now. Could she be blaming me for K.C.’s death? I put Penny & Gris Chat in the bedroom before the vet came. It was my voice trying to calm our sick cat, who was screeching, growling, & terrified at the vet trying to put in the IV without sedation, (they finally sedated him but by then he was already totally upset) & it was me, who held him sedated, when the vet administered the shot to stop his heart. I held him & cried for a long time before I let the cats out of the bedroom. I don’t know if Penny smelled hormones caused by K.C.’s fear, & after she’d heard him screeching from upstairs, & came down to find him dead…she figures I’m the culprit who killed her buddy? I don’t know what to think. I’ve tried to be extra attentive with both cats since K.C.’s passing, Gris Chat seems none the worse for wear, but Penny doesn’t want much to do with me. I’m heartbroken to lose my best friend of 16yrs, I can’t stop crying over him. I miss him so much. I still miss Patches, & she’s been gone 6yrs. Penny’s my last link, the fur child of Patches & K.C….she looks & acts like both of them. I’m so upset that I didn’t know to demand sedation before the attempt was made to put the IV in K.C.’s front leg. I was told sedation wasn’t given until the IV was in. I was shocked, horrified & on the verge of being hysterical, that my cat made awful noises in terror…noises I’d never heard come out of him in 16yrs of living with us. I feel I let him down by not being more educated about the process & options of euthanization. When Patch was put down, she was already unconcious in a coma from being hit by a car (she’d was an indoor cat but also an escape artist). I didn’t know sedation was available before the IV was put in. I paid double the price of clinic euthanization to prevent trauma & fear in my cat…so he could die peacefully at home, in his own blanket, on his own couch, in my arms. It was anything but peaceful….I’m still having nightmares. I wanted our other cats could see him after he was gone…hoping it would prevent them searching for him. (K.C. mournfully searched for Patches for a month after her death). The whole thing was absolutely horrific, & now I have a cat who used to adore me, & now she seems to be afraid of me, or dislikes me, because I think she blames me. She doesn’t look at me with soft lovey eye blinks anymore…she stares at me with annoyance & anger. I feel I’ve lost two cats at the same time. One is gone forever & the other wants nothing to do with me. I hope she comes around…I need her. I’ll never allow a vet to do that again. Sedation by hypodermic or oral, before I’ll ever let them stick an IV in them…ever again. I’m so sad. K.C. was my best friend & companion. We spent 16 beautiful, wonderful, awesome years together, & it breaks my heart that in his last moments, he was afraid, hurting, & I didn’t protect him.
Katherine, your story is heart breaking. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. I’m not sure about how your cats are feeling, others I’m sure will know a lot more, but given how traumatic your experience has been have you guys considered seeing a grief counsellor, maybe one that specialises in pet loss? There are many in Australia, although I’m not sure about other countries. I’m considering one for myself. It’s incredibly distressing (to say the least) watching a furry family member be put to sleep, even in the best of circumstances.
I hope your entire family is feeling better.
I recently was forced to relinquish my two beloved feline daughters, Tesla, age 3 and Sonsi, age 17 mos. they were mother and daughter and Tesla gave birth to Sonsi in my lap in bed one night. We were inseparable even tho I had become homeless and was living in my car for the past 5 months. I love them so much, I was afraid they would not be understood and tolerated as I had come to learn them and how to meet their needs. They are also the 3rd and 4th generation of a line of Siamese I had for 17 yrs. the woman at the place where I took them and payed $100.00 for them to be spayed and temporarily fostered dropped a bomb on me saying it would cost me $70.00 per week to foster them and she demanded thatI surrender them because as she stated violently “You cannot even take care of your SELF!” So I hastily agreed but that was 2 weeks ago. Since that day, I have returned several times to check on their well-being but was finally met with a crude “You no longer have any say, stop coming here and get on with your own life.” I miss my girls so much and am worried about the baby as she has many specific needs and requires a special love and tolerance. I pray for signs but cannot stop grieving for them. I want them back. I also worry they will be separated.
I think I just wanted to post my grief here. I feel my daughters miss me. I feel guilty and cannot eat or sleep even 2 weeks later. I am sure they are having the same experience. I am all they know and we had fun and were safe and as comfortable as possible in the car. I did let them go outside when I could find a place to keep a close watch on them.
Oh, Elle, I’m so sorry. Can you get them back?
I have a brother & sister cat- very bonded since they were litter-mates. They are 7 years old & we’ve had them for almost 2 years.
The brother however, is very sick. We cannot figure out what’s wrong & now we losing weight terribly. We know we may have to put him down, but the thought of how his sister will be affected is killing me.
The thing is, the sister never really opened up to us entirely. She never fully trusted us. The brother has. But it’s like, she only trusts & sticks to her brother.
How do we handle this particular situation? I can comfort our other pets, but she’s the only one I’m really concern for & the only one who refuses to trust us…
My male cat Simba was put to sleep a month ago due to kidney failure. He was the center of the universe for my other three (2 females and a male), he seemed to be the peace keeper that all three others loved. One week after I brought his ashes home in a little box, I set it on the coffee table and left it there for two weeks (I just wasn’t ready to deal with it). My older female (she is 16) would get up on the coffee table and rub on the box every day. After two weeks, I put it on the bottom shelf of my TV stand (open at the back with glass doors on the front). She now goes in through the back of the stand and nudges the box and rubs on the box —-she does this every day. I can’t smell anything–not even cedar–I am stumped. My Vet and friends that I have sent pictures to are unable to explain it either. I truly believe that in some way, she knows that it is Simba and this is her way of mourning.
We just put our beloved Siamese Pip to sleep and we are heartbroken. He had FIP and was only five years old. When he stopped eating we knew it was time. Our vet handled the situation with kindness and understanding. I found your website because I am wondering about our other cats (we still have four others).One of them is Pip’s brother Pumble. They grew up together and were the best of friends. They slept together all the time. They cleaned eachother and sat on my lap together. I know that Pumble is mourning his brother just as we do.