Thanks for stopping by! Get The Way of Cats, delivered, by asking for my RSS feed. Get my free cat advice newsletter by signing up here and get the FREE eBook, Ten Cat Tricks (Every Human Should Know.)Do cats mourn their cat companions when they die? Do cats miss people who go away?
Definitely.
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After all, we have no doubt that cats can love us, and each other. With love, there is also the recognition of loss.
It was a long time ago now, when I picked up a cat magazine and read a letter from a woman who was confused and troubled. She had taken in her daughter’s pet cat after the daughter’s death. She asked about care; she had never had a cat before.
But in her questions about taking proper care of the cat was a bigger one; why did the cat hang around the boxes of her daughter’s things that she had stacked in her child’s old room, as yet unable to do anything about them?
When, moved by her loss, she had laid out her daughter’s favorite skirt on the bed; the cat had claimed it and spent a lot of time lying on it.
The magazine counseled sensible cat care tips; and suggested that the cat associated the familiar smells of the daughter’s things with comforting memories of their former home. Just as unspoken was what both the letter writer and the letter answerer knew was true; yet hesitated to put into words.
That the cat missed the daughter profoundly, and longed to be with her again. Very much as the mother did.
As someone with both academic training in psychology, and long experience observing cats, I understand when I make myself vulnerable to criticism for too much anthropomorphism. This is the practice of attributing human characteristics to animals; and is severely frowned upon by science.
It is true that this outlook can lead us down the wrong path; we can hesitate to alter our cats, decide to let them roam unsupervised, and be reluctant to interfere in how our cats shape their relationships with each other. All from a misplaced sense of how we would feel about having our reproductive, recreational, and relationship activities curtailed in such a way.
This is the wrong side of anthropomorphism; as wrong as wanting our cats to wear clothes or drive cars. Cats handled their own affairs in the wild. But they are not in the wild now. When they live with us, they are both happier and better cared for when we remove their hormonal influences, take steps to safeguard them in a World They Did Not Make, and monitor their cat companionship options for maximum harmony.
It might not be how the cat would decide in a theoretical perfect world. But in our present, imperfect world, these steps balance our cat’s autonomy with their happiness. As we all do.
So when I describe a cat’s actions as stemming from insecurity or grief, this is a simple observation that is just as supported as describing a cat’s actions from fear or panic; emotions scientists will attribute to animals without feeling that they are anthropromorphizing. They feel scientific about fear in animals because it is observable and the animal’s actions conform to a fear reaction.
So when I say cats feel grief, I’m doing the same thing. Cats seek out shared objects or experiences that remind them of the lost individual, they show signs of unhappiness after a loss, and they display distress when the passed on being’s name is mentioned.
Just as we do.
Cats don’t drive cars to find prey, or get upset about losing equipment they are not aware they have; such concerns are outside of the cat’s conceptual experience. While such speculations are funny in cat cartoons, it is because it is not normal for cats to think such things. It is a juxtaposition that is funny because it is absurd.
But some situations and feelings are shared by both cats and humans. Love, and loss, are two sides of the same coin. My concept of proper cat care is based on such “shared emotional money.”
Respect, consideration, empathy, intelligence, and how cause and effect work; these might be expressed differently by cats and humans, but they are concepts that are also shared by cats and humans.
So when we lose someone from the household, we should recognize that cats also feel it. Searching for the gone one when their name is mentioned, having digestive upsets, pacing and wailing, and lying around in a depressed funk are all ways cats express their grief.
We should discuss the situation with the cat as we would with a small child; simple expressions of how much we also miss the gone one, how circumstances made them unable to remain in the body we knew them in, and explaining how they might continue on in whatever way we believe to be so. We can tell our grieving cat that we love them and that we, and they, are not going to go away because of it.
Just as with a child, they might not understand everything we are saying. But they feel comforted by the effort we make towards reassurance.
Because it is reassurance, and grief is easier when it is shared. We don’t need to worry about whether they “understand.”
Because, after all, how well do we understand it, ourselves?
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I know when we had the Things- 2 kittens born in our shed- neutered and spayed…
Gunn (the boy) was very distressed that Heidi (the girl) was stuck in a dog crate for a week, till her stitches healed. And Miss Heidi was equally distressed.
And then, when we put Heidi in a cat carrier to go to the vet to have her stitches removed- Gunn was wandering around the bedroom letting out sad trills as he looked for his Heidi. Fortunately, here, Miss Heidi was returned, stitch free, and they could resume their morning Kitten Riots. But Gunn was bereft when he couldn’t find Heidi.
It made me so glad we decided to keep both the Things.
We’ve tried to help Maple and Gadget through the loss of their sister, Cassiopeia. She was such a snuggle buddy to both of them; they are all the same age, but they ‘nursed’ on her when they were kittens, and she always looked out for them, bathed them, checked on them, every day of her life. Until the last few days when she became too frail, she sat between them and our newest cat, Buttercup, trying to diffuse stalking or bouts of hissing between them. She demonstrated to them how to be friendly and relaxed with the new interloper, even though she was a little scared, too.
For more than a week after her death, her sisters just slept and moped around, then gradually warmed back up to us with some gentle encouragement. You could tell they needed comfort and to just sit near us. Now they almost seem overly grateful for our attention and bellyrubs, but still lonely.
Yes, they miss her.
My boy cat, Sebastion, has been devastated since we lost our female, Madeline a little over two weeks. She was 10 years older than him, and had been around since he was a kitten. Looking at them casually, you wouldn’t think they were close, but she was his boss cat and helped keep him groomed and in line. Without her, he’s not sure what to do anymore.
We brought him home another cat to help alleviate his loneliness and he likes her well enough and has been nothing been friendly and welcoming, but she’s not his boss cat.
Since Madeline died, he mostly mopes around and barely eats. We’ve given him a lot of attention and emotional support (I miss her badly, too). I got some Feliway plug-ins and that helped a little bit, but I also took him to the vet last week (who had also been Madeline’s vet), concerned about his lack of eating. After learning we were already using Feliway, she gave us a couple of weeks’ worth of “kitty valium” to try to get him eating again. He’s getting better, but he’s definitely still mourning her passing.
Gunn’s behavior is adorable, and obviously heartfelt.
I’m glad you kept both the Things!
It’s hard for them to understand. And I’m sure everyone misses her. Sometimes all we can do is reassure them that they are loved.
Have read with interest all the above – a most interesting site. Do have a related question: our kitten went missing for 4 months after a [human] member of our ‘family unit’ went into hospital and subsequently died and then returned to the front of our house. He was a little reluctant to come in but when he did, he ran straight up the stairs and into the bedroom where he used to relax with Stephen and remained there for a couple of days until he regained his interest in the rest of the house. Is this normal behaviour and part of the cat’s grieving process?
Normal behavior, in the cat’s wild past, was to avoid illness. This is because weakness attracts predators, and their survival instincts prevent them from putting themselves into such a dangerous position.
When cats “override” this instinct to show compassion towards us when we are ill, it is truly a lovely thing.
When the human family member “vanished” the cat was confused and hurt by the loss, and left the scene of the “loss.” I’m sure we was disappointed to come back and find that his friend was still gone. Hanging around that room was his way of saying goodbye.
I’m sorry for your loss. I think you have a lovely cat there, who will be missing that friend, always. I’m glad he could regain his interest. Cats get depressed, too.
U mentioned in ur above post that in that outlook could lead us down the wrong path, letting our cats roam unsupervided and be reluctant to interfere with how they shape their relationships with other cats… I have had a cat for about a month now. It came into my friends at&t store and wouldn’t leave so he asked me to take it since I was going to get a cat anyway. My cats probably about a year old and was very friendly from the second she came into my friends store. This is my first cat and I let it roam around during the day, about 2x a day. I have seen her with 2 different males, one of which is very handsome and the other looks like a mangy biker… I was wondering if that’s ok? Should I let her roam around and I guess sleep around? She is alone about 6-7 hours a day and has no other cats to play with aswell.
Answered privately.
When my friends cat dies she buried him in the back yard and all her other cats especially this one tabby would go and sit/sleep by the grave for about a month.