If we have a cat who tries to hog all our love for themselves, these are usually cats who have had heartbreak or deprivation in their past. Once they conclude that love and caring are in short supply, they will resent any indication that it might be applied elsewhere.
In games theory, this is called zero sum. It is used for finite, unchanging resources, such as a cake. Cutting a bigger slice for you means having a smaller slice for me.
The jealous cat doesn’t know that love doesn’t work that way.
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We certainly want to cure the jealous cat. Many people do not realize the trouble encouraging jealousy can create. They might feel amused by the focus, or flattered by the demonstration of attachment. They think it’s an index of how much the cat loves them.
But they are mistaken.
This isn’t devotion. This isn’t love. This is screaming insecurity.
Jealous cats can also be aggressive and bullying, or shy and fearful. Either way, to make the cat happy, we will not indulge this misconception of theirs.
We must work to show the cat that love is infinite, and will expand to fill any container.
This is not the same as the One Person Cat. These are cats who get what they need from Their Person, but do not object to that person loving other living beings. The jealous cat will drive off others, and display anger when their person shows affection towards others.
Indulging the cat in this dysfunctional behavior by laughing at their displays, teasing them into reactions, and moving our other affection displays out of the cat’s sight only increases the cat’s insecurity.
We are giving them the false information that love is finite. If we give a slice of affection to another, it is taken from them.
What we are doing when we put up with jealousy is reinforcing a warped view of affection. The cat fears the loss of love and thinks they can demand what they see as a limited resource. Only there is never enough love for the insecure.
They demand more and more because the love is never actually touching them and working its reassuring power.
We must redirect this raging anger (for anger is what it is) into a better appreciation of love and caring.
React to the cat’s displays properly. When we love another, and the cat shows aggression or distress, we must continue our attention to the other (the cat does not control us) while verbally assuring the cat that we still love them. We wait for a point when the cat is not showing bad behavior to transfer our attention to them.
And if we have to wait a while, we wait a while. If the cat runs off to sulk, let them. They will have to come up with new ways to gain our affection that does not involve driving away others.
The negative feedback the cat should get is not getting what they want. If the cat makes threatening motions toward the object of our affection, only then should we scold, or even spray some water in their general direction if the cat is actually being aggressive.
We encouraged this situation. Now, knowing better, we must discourage it.
Show the cat loving others does not diminish our love for them. This is the key concept the cat is not getting, and that we encouraged by indulging the jealousy. So continue our favorite ways of showing the cat we love them when we are alone, and initiate these favorite ways when others are around, too.
Alternating our attentions between everyone in the room plants the important notion that they get love, and so do others, and then the love comes back to them.
The cat’s successful campaign to drive away others will be collapsed if we do not let them do that any more.
Good policing is important. An insecure cat might bully others when our back is turned, and while our significant other might report it, our other cats cannot. We should monitor our jealous cat and look for signs they are taking their frustration out on the other cats, such as blocking the way to the litter box, acting up during mealtimes, or driving them away from their favorite spots.
Make a point of announcing that we are taking Insecure Cat into another room for some cuddling. This lets Insecure Cat not feel ignored, and lets the other cats do some business while they are being left alone.
Then, we have set the stage for our return. When Insecure Cat gets out with the others, he or she will feel momentarily secure and confident, and wish to build on that, in their dysfunctional way, by pushing around the other cats. Only now we are there to protect the other cats, scold Insecure Cat for bad behavior, and start our round robin of Everybody Gets Some Love!
By creating actions we can then react to, we have our chance to show what kind of behavior we wish to encourage.
Consider isolation. Sometimes all the cat needs is a few demonstrations that we can love others and them at the same time. Then they “get it.”
But if this dysfunction is deep-seated, it may take longer. If our Insecure Cat cannot take Others, we are doing them a favor by putting them in their own room while we are away from home. This lets the other cats enjoy themselves, and does not let Insecure Cat continue with their bad behavior when we are not there to put a stop to it.
If Insecure Cat feels lonely in their room, good! They are recognizing that they need Others. They can develop the realization that they could get attention and affection from those Others; if they were out there being a good Cat Citizen.
Upon our return, let Insecure Cat out after we have already greeted and fussed over the good Cat Citizens, or the other people in the house. Insecure Cat gets love in the right time; but they will get it.
As Insecure Cat develops the inner resources to recognize what love really is, they will moderate their behavior, and we can reduce and eliminate their time in isolation. They will learn that love actually grows when it is bestowed.
It is not zero-sum. It is infinite.
There is enough for everybody.
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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.
[...] Original post: Jealous cats are unhappy cats. – The Way of Cats [...]
Hello –
Thank you for this post. This perfectly describes what is happening with my beloved Sophie. When we adopted her, we recognized that she had been mistreated and deprived. She blossomed with the love and acceptance she gets but still exhibits shyness and fear. Now that we have cat #2 – Pugsley – she is starting to get aggessive – jealous of the love he gets but I know it’s because she feels insecure and afraid she will be given away. I wanted a LOVING way to repond to this – to teach her about love- and this is IT. THANK YOU!
You are welcome. It always amazes me that “science” keeps claiming animals have no emotions… when it’s perfectly obvious they do, and they are not that different from ours.