But that doesn’t mean cats don’t feel guilt.
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
Most people base this cat misconception on the fact that cats don’t look guilty, ever, while dogs always do. But isn’t that a clue to our own faulty thinking about this issue? Even if the dog isn’t guilty, they will look that way. That’s how they are wired.
When dogs hear the displeasure in our voices, this creates anxiety. So they look anxious. It has nothing to do with individual guilt. It’s simply that so many people have only one dog, so there’s only one possible perpetrator, and there’s only one possible expression for the dog to have when accused.
When we are upset, cats also feel anxiety. But they are going to express it differently. They are going to leave.
Once again, this has nothing to do with their culpability in whatever act has us upset. Both dogs and cats make a “bad behavior” connection when they are actually doing the thing that makes us upset.
That’s the best time to let them know what it is that makes us upset.
Whether we are human, dog, or cat, guilt arises when we care. We care if our behavior is not acceptable. We care that we’ve made someone upset. Aside from something making a dramatic demise, and scaring the cats, the only reason a cat would care about our feelings in the matter is when we have become friends.
Friends don’t make friends feel upset.
People often expect the cat to feel guilty about behavior when they have not conveyed this sense of closeness that would in turn lead to betrayal. If we are simply figures that appear to fill the food bowl (good) and yell at them for climbing the drapes (bad) we haven’t laid any foundations to expect guilt from our cats.
We haven’t put our hearts on the cause/effect line.
This is how I can dissuade my cats from messing with things they shouldn’t, simply by telling them to leave something alone. But this is because we have a mature relationship. (When RJ was a kitten, he needed more reinforcement.) This is because we care about each other. (If they persist in something, I know they are telling me that they somehow need whatever it is, and I strive to supply it in another way.) This is because we have a give and take that supplies both our needs.
Mutual respect leads to mutual caring. If they do something to upset me, they are sorry. And if I do something to upset them, I’m sorry, too.
So cats do feel guilty. They care about our feelings.
When we show we care about theirs.
Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more to raising and training a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CAT TRAINING TIPS.
Cleo and Yeti know when they’re being naughty; they’re just testing us. Often I only have to clear my throat when one of them is on a place they’re not supposed to be and they’ll quickly get down.
I’m so pleased that someone else has this ability. It’s not at all difficult; once we win their heart.
Kill Kill is sensitive to that–all I have to do is say “Ho-ney!” in a certain tone of voice, and she stops what’s she’s doing. And licks her paws, which is cat for “I was going to stop doing that now anyway.”
Byron is a different problem. The only way to discipline a cat is verbally, and you can imagine what it’s like with a deaf one. His main naughtiness is peeing where he shouldn’t, and he always does this when I’m nearby. He knows it’s wrong and runs away as soon as I see him doing it. So why does he do it? I think it may be a marking behavior, as it tends to be in corners. Is it because he can’t be the Top Cat with Killsy around, as he so clearly wants to be? If I got a third cat, would it ease the problem, since he’d have someone else to lord it over, or would it make it worse?
You’re probably right about marking behavior. It might not be a hierarchal issue, though. He’s making the room “his” and he does it when you are there because he wants you to be “his” too.
I’m sure he’s aware that you and Killsy bond on a level he can’t grasp because of his deafness. Maybe if you came up with some “visuals” that are just for him? Make some sign language gestures that you use just with him, making up “words” like dinner or a name for his favorite toy. Come up with a gesture that also indicates your displeasure, and you can use it instead of verbal reprimands. He lives in a visual world; it won’t take him long to learn your sign language, and then he won’t feel so left out. He has something only the two of you share.
Tell Kill Kill so she’s in on it.
My cats know if they are doing something they are not supposed to. When I enter the room, they will promptly stop what they are doing, walk away and give me this look of “it wasn’t me”. We have one, Midnight, that likes to tattle on the other cats. But she is the one we catch peeing on things. Is she trying to make the others seem just as naughty by tattling?
Maybe if you came up with some “visuals” that are just for him? Make some sign language gestures that you use just with him
We share a whole repertoire of CSL (Cat Sign Language). He learned what pointing meant as a kitten, and knows many signals, ranging from “Do you want to chase the laser dot?” to “Want to come up to my lap for pets?” “YOU HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY!” is a very stern finger-wagging–that’s when he runs away. But he usually runs away as soon as I catch him peeing inappropriately. He knows that it’s wrong, so why does he do it?
He also knows facial expressions, and always looks at my eyes and mouth when I speak.
I’ve never been sure if Kill Kill knows he’s deaf, as she hisses at him when he gets too pushy with his play. When he does something stupid, she’s the only cat I’ve known that seems to roll her eyes.
Sorry to repeat myself, but if I got a third cat, would it ease his peeing problem, since he’d have someone else to lord it over, or would it make it worse? Or is that simply unknowable ahead of time?
Not at all, Bill; you’re doing great with him! So that’s not it.
If he’s doing something he knows is wrong, he’s driven to do it from some need or stress. I do think getting him a kitten is a great idea. To play with, to “lord over,” to have some of the closeness that would help soothe him. Does he have any cat experience besides Kill Kill?
Another boy who likes being rowdy might be the best thing for him. Mr. Bond rolls his eyes over Puffy; while Puffy doesn’t really seek out other cats, Mr. Bond has enjoyed having his own kitten immensely. If Kill Kill is self-contained, she won’t mind the kitten being Byron’s buddy. Now she can look down upon two numskulls instead of one.
Another way I interpret Byron’s behavior is that he might get lonely and stressed while you are gone during the day? Kill Kill might not understand his anxiety, but then he feels driven to “mark” when you are around. Him doing it in front of you means he wants you to address his need; you just don’t know what it is.
Probably. Or even trying to get the others blamed!
Whenever I’ve had these problems, it’s because the cat is stressed; they are uncertain or uncomfortable about something, and are desperately trying to make something “theirs.” In the absence of physical problems, it can be that they are overwhelmed by their surroundings. We have to look at their relationships with the other cats, the people in the house, or any other source of stress.
Making a good faith effort on the objects in question, by changing them around, sprinkling them with catnip or treats, all while discussing these areas with the cat in trouble, can sometimes get a dialog going.
I do think getting him a kitten is a great idea. To play with, to “lord over,” to have some of the closeness that would help soothe him. Does he have any cat experience besides Kill Kill?
Virtually none. He was rescued at 2 weeks, most likely abandoned by his mother, who picked up on his near-total deafness. Since no one knew his history, he had to be kept away from other cats until he was old enough to get his shots. He didn’t see another cat until the day before I adopted him. It was a frustrating first weekend for my household. He so, so wanted to play with Kill Kill, but she was having none of it. She warmed up to him after a few days.
So, are you recommending a kitten over an older cat? That makes sense, if he wants to establish dominance.
Another way I interpret Byron’s behavior is that he might get lonely and stressed while you are gone during the day?
That’s a possibility I hadn’t considered…She loves her pets and belly rubs, but only he’ll jump into my lap.
He’s not completely deaf, and he can hear a narrow band of sounds. I could scream in his ear and he wouldn’t notice, but he’ll wake up from 2 rooms over when I turn on the shower. When he was a kitten and he’d get worked up while playing with me, he’d throw his head back and emit the oddest cry. “I know that sound,” I thought, “but it’s not a cat sound.” After a while, I pinned it down: he wasn’t allowed to play with cats, but he played with his foster mom’s ferrets. He was doing a perfect ferret imitation!
So you can accuse Byron of being “raised by ferrets!”
Puffy likes to sit in the windowsill and bark at the tiny people three stories below. He was raised with cats and dogs, but is confused, always.
Yes, in your case I’d recommend a boy Beta kitten, since Byron is still pretty young and into Play. A kitten is less likely to be confused by Byron’s inept social signals (which was probably part of why Kill Kill found him exasperating.) A Beta, with their “you’re a friend I haven’t met yet” approach to life, would let the kitten be friends with both cats, and boys tend to be goofier and more mellow. A girl with an attitude of “This is how it’s done” would soon pair up with Kill Kill for even more exiling of poor Byron.
I’m guessing Byron to be a Beta, unless he’s more Cat Geeky than I’m aware of. Sounds like he’d love to have a buddy who can accept him for the good heart that is crying for more love. He’s never really had a cat friend, and the poor guy has such a deficit. At home all day, Kill Kill isn’t mean to him, but probably scorns his neediness and just doesn’t give the support you do when you are home.
Look for a kitten who is already drawn to other cats; they observe them, are quick to be at their side when they are confused or upset, and lack either the confused look of the Gamma type, or the laser focus of the Alpha type. An Alpha kitten might try experimenting with Byron, and link up with Kill Kill’s intelligence, to create the wrong configuration.
This is Byron’s kitten; to be a playdude for him, and also a friend to Kill Kill when and how she wishes. Let Killsy know this will take the pressure of Byron’s wellbeing off of her, and she will have yet another numskull to feel superior to. I gather she enjoys that, and will be happy with it.
Fascinating discussion! Does intelligence affects cats’ compatibility as much as personality type?
I’m starting to think so, our more intelligent cats have tended to either ignore or annoy the not-so-smart ones, even if they both seem to have the same personality and interests. I think our two females are both Betas – an intelligent young one and a very dim older one. And an intelligent male Alpha. They tolerate each other, but there’s no love-fest going on.
I will be doing a future post on the arc of cat intelligence. I think it is a factor; but then appreciation of abstract concepts could be seen as an interest more concrete-thinking cats cannot share.
I have two cats, one male and one female. I have a problem with the female, because she ALWAYS sooo badly wants to go out to the garden. She is spayed. I don’t care if she is in the garden, the problem is, she easily jumps over the walls of the garden and goes out to the city, that also has a dead small field where she mostly would want to go. I don’t want her to go out, its not safe at all in the street. There are also dogs on the field. And another problem is, she can open the door to the garden. And I didn’t teach her, she just did it. And now It’s harder to control her. And even harder because I go to school, and I simply know she goes out when I am not at home. A saw here still out one day when I came after school. I get really nervous, and angry, and yell at her as much as I can, now for a month, but she simply never listens to me!!
Please help…
Thanks for sharing the link, but unfortunately it seems to be down… Does anybody have a mirror or another source? Please answer to my post if you do!
I would appreciate if someone here at http://www.petforums.co.uk could post it.
Thanks,
Jack
Great article!