I get a lot of emails like this:

Abernathy was the cutest cat in the shelter. Well, I thought so. When he put his paw on my knee and looked into my eyes, I couldn’t leave him there. The shelter people told me how funny and active he was, and I saw that, too. But now he’s been under my bed for three days! Where’s my cat?

Dear All Worried Readers,

They are the same cat. They aren’t in the same place.

Good shelters are not just holding pens with a time limit. Good shelters try to have some kind of group room and/or socialization program where cats can recreate and recharge, away from their cage.

This lets prospective adopters get a better sense of what kind of cat they really are, reduces anxiety behaviors, encourages cats to get along with other cats and dogs, and lets the cat have some kind of life while they are waiting for their forever home.

All of this is fantastic. But it creates a different set of expectations in the adopter. They get to see the cat at their semi-best; out of their cage and in some semblance of a home environment.

They are also meeting the cat at a time the cat knows they have to “sell” themselves to potential pet parents. Haven’t we all experienced salespeople both before, and after, the sale?

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All of these factors combine to create the fantasy of a seamless transition in people’s minds. Wow, we think. If this cat is so friendly and lively and funny in the shelter, imagine what they will be like once I get them home!

That’s true. Just, often, not right away.

Cats derive their confidence from knowing their territory and successfully anticipating what happens in it. So when we take them from a known site, to an unknown site, the cat doesn’t know enough about the new site to see the upgrade right away. All they know is: I don’t know much about this place.

What they don’t know, they don’t know they like.

It’s sensible territory behavior for a cat to choose a protected site from which to scope out the new place. It doesn’t mean we managed to pick out a defective cat. The way the cat is acting now doesn’t have much to do with how a cat is going to turn out.

All we are seeing now is how a cat reacts to new input when all their “landmarks” for understanding have been replaced. It’s not seeing the cat at their worst. It’s far from seeing the cat at their best.

The least helpful thing we can do at this time is broadcast anxiety or try to overcompensate. Trying to coax the same behavior out of the cat that we saw at the shelter, acting distressed over our choice, or dragging the cat out from under furniture to show how nice we are sends all the wrong signals.

This behavior says, You aren’t the cat I thought you were. I’m not the person you thought I was.

This only adds to the stress the cat is experiencing, and lengthens the time they will need to reset their minds, and their instinctual reactions.

Now is the time to show our new cat that we understand their distress. We’re cool!

Let them chill while making overtures. It’s fine to peek into their hiding spot and say nice things. It’s fine to make meal noises and play noises to seek their attention. But let them give us their trust at their own rate.

They will find the food and litter box if we leave them alone to do so. Leaping up as soon as they appear makes them feel hunted down.

Offer our attention in a low-key way. When they peek around the doorway, perk up and say their name in a soft voice. That’s all they are seeking, and all they can handle right now.

Cats draw confidence from known situations. That’s what they had at the shelter. That was the background they drew strength from to venture forth and make friends with the stranger: us. Once they have that same strength in our home, we will see that marvelous cat again.

Patience makes perfect. We can’t make a cat do anything. That’s their charm. Let them convince themselves how great our home is, and how wonderful we are.

If our cat needs vet checkups, medicine, or other interventions to bring them up to speed, this pushes back their window of confidence, but doesn’t close it.

When we are calm and relaxed about how wonderful our future is together, the cat will pick up on that.

And believe it.

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There’s more ways to understand our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on WHY CATS DO THAT.

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