My son brought home an adorable male kitten but our older cat, a female stray, never took to him. He chases her and she will hide or avoid him. He never hurts her, but now she doesn’t like him near her. He has gotten hurt chasing her, and now he’s started spraying around the house! Is there anything we can do?
Dear Readers,
My first hunch was that these were two widely differing cat personalities.
My reader confirmed that Older Cat enjoyed her routines, was shy about new things, and was in many ways a classic Gamma, while Young Upstart was into everything, high energy, and had other Alpha characteristics. This is too great a difference for easy blending, especially since they are the only two cats.
Two cats are always the trickiest cusp of the behavior template I call “mirroring.” As we do, cats look to others of their kind as a check on their own behavior. Cats living in close proximity have no choice but to spend more time with each other, encountering the cat mirror during their routines of daily life.
Cats can develop a fierce dislike for each other, or one can unknowingly become the bane of the other’s existence. Older Cat did not have the inter-cat skills to either ignore the kitten or teach him to leave her alone. The Alpha kitten is finding her too irresistible to play with, no matter what she does. He doesn’t mean to bully her, but that is how she is seeing it.
When these two cats look at each other, they see frustration.
This builds and builds the stress level in the home. There being only two cats means neither cat can see a different reflection. Another cat puts new matrixes in the cat mirror, giving them different ways of evaluating their behavior and communication. Having a third cat in this scenario would result in a different mirror. Third cat could be a playmate for rowdy Alpha, allowing him a new cat to approach and taking the pressure off the shy Gamma. The cats involved have a less stressful reflection they see staring back from the cat mirror.
Understanding our home’s cat mirror is the hidden key to cat compatibility. If possible, encourage the cats to show up together for treats, sharable toys, and special attentions. They will relieve their frustration by associating the other cat with something good for a change, and this can smooth the path to eventual friendship.
But ultimately, it might be an irreconcilable difference that will demand segregating the two cats or finding one a new home. In this case, I advised my reader, He’s going to chase her as long as she runs. She will always run. These are fundamental traits of these two cats, and not responsive to change. My reader has tried to reduce the stress levels in the house, such as Feliway to project calming pheromones and trying to keep the two cats away from each other.
This works when cats are still evaluating their responses and the stress triggers can be reduced. We can’t change these cats’ personalities, and it is pointlessly cruel to try. Trying to rev up or cool down either of the cats beyond limits they have already shown would only frighten or irritate them.
In circumstances such as my reader explained to me, I agreed that Alpha should keep his room of his own, where he behaves and doesn’t spray. This is not cruel in the short term, provided he gets visiting time, because stress is always bad for him and the fact that he’s not spraying in there means he’s calm. It also means my reader can approach the task of getting him a new home with the confidence that there is nothing wrong with this cat that a new environment can’t fix.
Some cats will get along, no matter what we do. Some cats will never get along, no matter what we do. In between these two extremes, we can make some efforts to reconcile differences with shared fun activities, supervising the stress level, and not letting confrontations get out of hand. If the situation cannot improve, and there isn’t enough room to let the two cats lead separate lives, the new cat will need to find a new home. I gave my reader some suggestions on rehoming.
It’s sad when a cat does not work out, but I wonder if sometimes the best service we can provide for a particular cat is acting as a station on their railroad.
We might not be their ultimate destination, but we can serve as a way of getting them one.
Want to avoid this situation?
There’s more help at The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my BEST WAY CAT INTRODUCTIONS.
I need help with my new kitten! We have a one year old cat who we have had since January of this year..and we decided to get another kitten whom we got on Saturday..our 1 yr old cat always hisses and it seems as though she would hurt our new little kitten. She’s even aggressive toward my boyfriend and I…I still show her love too…I will pet her for a few and then she swats at me and hisses at me…I have shown both kitty’s to eachother..and all our older one does is hiss…I really want them to get along…please help me!
Rachel:
Give it time. When I got George 5 yrs ago, our female cat hissed at him for over a month! She eventually came to care for him and the two are really good friends. He goes to her for head licking and they will occasionally cuddle. Also, make sure to include her in play and give her some space. She’s unhappy with you for upsetting her routine. Hopefully she’ll come to terms with having the new kitten around. I really don’t think she’ll hurt the baby. Just watch her and if all she does is hiss, I don’t think you should worry.
PLEASE HELP!!
We have a female 13 1/2 yr old cat, Chelsea, who is very good but not too friendly with our children or really even with us. She prefers to keep to herself and comes up to my husband, myself or the boys when she wants to be fed. Even when she wants petted, after a few minutes-she turns hisses and swats us and leaves.
We ended up taking a young male stray in in March. We trapped and neutered him and he never left us. He is very playful and great with the boys but loves to torment Chelsea. He has chased her so often now she stays in our bedroom and will not leave. If given the chance, he will sneak in and attack her. They fight and for the first time tonight, he scratched and drew blood on her nose.
I am not sure what to do with these two…..she has been with us forever and is part of our family. I would hate to have to give up the new cat, he is great with the boys, much more a normal cat, but I cannot have him attack her and banish her to one room!!
Any suggestions!
Thanks
I’m working on an email for you, Janice.
I have had over 100 cats that I have rescued and some of them become my pets. Well I had 4 cats ( 2 that go outside and 2 that stay inside ). I inherited a white crosseyed female (snowball) cat from my mom. I brought her home and she is now fighting with my mostly white calico (twinkie), ( orange, black and white ) They both attack each other when they can. Especially in the middle of the night. I am awakened by the screaming cats fighting. It seems that snowball when she goes towards twinkie, she doesnt see her very well. I am saddened by them not getting along. I really do not want to get rid of either of them, but I do not know what to do to make them get along. Twinkie wants to go outside now and I am thinking of letting her. That way she will at least get some joy out of her life..
Any suggestions would greatly be accepted!!
Some cats have very strong territorial drives, male or female. Maybe your two females are competing for the “same slot.” Fuss over them when they can see that both get attention, and maybe put someone in a separate room at night to avoid such tensions?
HELP! i have an older 12 year old female. she;s been with us for three years nd i recently adopted another cat. He’s a male and he’s a year old. The female constantly hisses and attacks the poor Male. The male is trying to avoidher as much as possible. The female would always chase him and try to fight. How can i stop this? It’s been a month and i dont want to get rid of any of them. I love themboth and i am DESPERATE!
F.Y.I. They’re both spayed and neutered.
Did you follow proper introductions? This is crucial with cats past the kitten stage, as they can react badly.
I am now trying the squirt bottle with water. And I am trying to give them both attention. Does anyone know if a crosseyed animal has vision problems? During the day she squints her eyes shut very hard, like the sunlight from the day is bothering her. My 2 cats that do not get along fight mostly at night! Weird huh?. I will keep trying the water bottle, it seems to catch their attention now…
Hi there,
I have 3 cats, my first cat sounds much like the one in your story. The ‘gamma’ shy, hates everyone, stressed. I am not willing to rehome her, she is staying. The issue is I have a 25lb male cat who is harassing her constantly, hes not hurting her, he just wants to play.
So I brought home a rough little barn cat for him to play with and it has been a match made in heaven. But that still leaves my original pet in the cold, she has recently become so stressed she attaches herself to me constantly! Purring insanely on my lap, and literally crying when I get up.
I have been toying with the idea of bringing her with me to and from my office (I own my own business and wouldn’t have to worry about any problems there) it’s spacious and has lots of places for her to sleep and play. However, I am concerned that the stress of travel everyday will wear on her….
Which would be worse? Leaving her, or bringing her….
Any suggestions?
She might not like it at first. But after a while, when she sees you are around a lot and it’s just her… I could see her loving it. What a great idea!
I would try it.