We went away on vacation for a week, and I got a nice cat sitter. But now that we are back, Mischa is doing her same routine, but she seems to cry and complain all the time. It’s been going on for weeks! When will she get over it?
I advised my friend to explain and apologize. “Tell her everything you did to make her happy while you were gone, that you missed her, and you’re sorry you hurt her feelings.”
I got a rather skeptical look. Her spouse was openly dismissive, so she didn’t even try it… until a few days later, when, one morning, the wailing started again and my friend felt desperate.
So I did it. I told her how much we needed a vacation, how I got the nicest person to catsit for her, that I missed her while I was gone, and I’m really sorry she felt abandoned. I told her I wasn’t going to go away again for a while, and she could calm down. Even though [my spouse] was listening and I knew he was thinking I had lost it.
And then what happened?
Well, it seemed to work. So I kept waiting for it to start up again… but it kept working. Mischa is much calmer – I really think that the talk helped – even [my spouse] thinks so too and he talks to her now too.
Happy cat, happy people. Because of the wonders of understanding.
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
So am I saying cats do understand what we say? Yes, and no. The magic of Explain and Apologize is the psychological principle of affirmation. Our cat might not be able to write a paragraph summary of their listening comprehension of our little talks. But they do pick up meaning; that’s undeniable.
Cats understand what we mean.
We know for ourselves how cats pick up words with meaning for them. But what was going on here? Mischa had not had to grapple with words like “vacation” or “catsitter” before. How did she know what my friend was saying?
She might not know what all the words meant. But Mischa knew what my friend was trying to say. That this was somehow unavoidable, that she was cared for, that her hurt feelings were acknowledged and she didn’t have to worry any more. What Mischa got from the little talk was very important: that she was understood.
This is the way our heartfelt little talks work. If we typed the same thing into a computer and had it speak it to our cat; it wouldn’t work at all. Because the computer is not making facial or body gestures. It doesn’t have tones in its voice. It can’t convey any meaning.
More than our words, our body and voice tones manage to carry a great deal of information that cats can pick up.
The more we talk to them, the more they understand.
Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more to raising and training a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CAT TRAINING TIPS.
That is so cute, and so true. I explain a LOT to my cats, and it does help defuse some of the rougher situations like vet visits and absences and pill time.
I have to share a small victory with you. I’ve been working with my cats on “show me” since I first started reading this blog. I think they’ve made amazing progress, except for the cat who never needs our help for anything, but you never know if something you are working on with an animal is really working until they will do it for someone else.
The other night, my husband came in and said “I don’t know what the heck is wrong with Sif. She keeps coming in and squawking at me and jumping on the bed and she’s just . . . she’s freaking out and I don’t know what’s wrong.”
I thought that was weird, because she comes to me when there is a problem and only asks him for help if I am not available. “Did you ask her to SHOW you what’s wrong?”
“. . . No. I didn’t think of that.”
“Well, she thinks she has a reason to be asking YOU. So try it and see if she’ll show you.”
So he did, and my good little kitty led him straight to the problem. He’d been assembling stereo components and had left some cardboard packaging and crinkly plastic wrap piled around her scratching post, and she couldn’t get to it to use it. Dire! Frustration! Ensues!
She showed him what was wrong, he fixed it immediately, and she happily started scratching away.
What is remarkable to me is that she bypassed me completely and went to HIM, because HE was the one who put the stuff there. Her little brain went through its problem-solving loop and found him at the end of it. I am so proud of her.
That’s wonderful, Naamah! She went to the source. That’s so funny. And I’m glad the “show me” tactic is paying such dividends.
Sif’s an older cat too, both of the most biddable ones are over 13, which sort of puts the last nail in the coffin of “my cat is too old to learn.” I was surprised by how fast they caught on once I started interacting with them more as equals. Yes, it allows them to “train me” as much as I train them, but we both want to get their kitty needs met, so I see no problems.
They still have a long way to go, but I’m proud of them both. My oldest, black kitty is having health issues at the moment, and I’m relying on “show me” a LOT with her to get her to make her needs clear to me so I can meet them without delay. I’m also catsplaining things to her a lot, like the vet trips and the ultrasounds and the fasting and how sorry I am. She doesn’t understand most of my words, really, but I swear she understands that “I’m sorry” means I didn’t and don’t mean for anything bad to happen to her.
Priceless look on the vet tech’s face when I conversationally asked Tazendra if she was hungry and did she want to go home, and she responded VERY vocally to the idea of food, and went straight into her carrier when I put it on the floor. Then, she’s the smartest cat in terms of how well she understands humans that I have ever had, and she’s fourteen, which is a long time to learn about us.
Her coping skills through this health mess have really surprised and humbled me.
She still doesn’t like pilling, though. The only thing she apparently holds against me. Thank goodness for Pill Pockets.
Pammy this is a wonderful post and so very true. Cats are really smart. And I think the talking has more to do with your body language than the words that the cats understand. And of course depending on your words, your body language will match the words just naturally.
And my cats show me all the time what they want. The 19 year old will come in here to my computer whenever she wants something. She will even tell me that she has to use the potty for some reason.
.-= Marg Elmendorf´s last blog ..OMG, Squeaky had to have pills =-.
I agree, Marg, it’s our body language more than anything else, but as humans we also find it much easier to express our body language when we are talking. Without talking, it’s mime; and cats do pick up more words than we would think they do.
Naamah, I loved Sif’s story! I’m so sorry your older cat is having issues, but pleased that better communication is helping. I once took in Mr Bond for a teeth cleaning that turned into a tooth extraction, and the vet wanted to keep him overnight because of his age. The looks I got were so funny when I said, “Okay, but that’s not what I told him.”
my cats are rarley like that i talk to them alot and they are always happy and when they come back form the cataries we explain to them and give them a present and they seem to calm down