I don’t know what happened. He still hides and avoids laptime and I want more cuddling and kissing. What can I do?
Dear Readers,
What we want, and what our cat is, might be two different things.
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One of the most difficult tasks of cat evaluation is distinguishing the behaviors that are in response to a poor environment from the behaviors that are intrinsic to the cat. We have a tendency to regard a cat’s “shyness behaviors” as a response to traumatic events; behaviors that will melt away when we open our heart and our home to them.
While it is true that making a cat happy and secure will reveal the true cat; that doesn’t mean their favorite way of bestowing affection will perfectly align with our wishes.
When I brought Reverend Jim home, we discovered that he loved cuddling; but he doesn’t do drive-bys. RJ wants a time commitment so he can spread across a chest or lap with complete relaxation and get his purring cranked to the max. After twenty minutes, or even more, he’s “full.” It could be another 12 hours before the tank gets that low again.
He always loves Petting in Place, but for the rest of the day he doesn’t want to be scooped up and cuddled. Fortunately, we have an alternate system for such human needs. We have Sir Tristan.
Since very early kittenhood, Tristan has displayed the opposite pattern. He likes to “touch base” more than a dozen times a day. Despite his obvious affection, he’s never been a lap cat. He gets on my lap, but it’s to bury his shoulder in my chest, ask for hugs and kisses on his forehead; and then he’s off again.
If I wanted a lap cat, Tristan would disappoint me, over and over. If I wanted a cat who liked lots of short-notice short cuddles, Reverend Jim would avoid me; and seem like a cat who is not affectionate at all.
We can create a better chance of getting the kind of affection we would like from our cat with these “affection matching” tips:
Know what we want. Some people would find the demands of RJ’s long sessions difficult to fit into their busy schedule, and then we both wind up affection-starved. Others would miss their great “lap sessions” during a movie if they had a cat with Tristan’s preferred pattern.
We should consider our own preferences, schedule, and expectations; then seek out a cat who will most closely fit them.
Know how to ask for it. I keep an open line of communication with all my cats, and issue “cat alerts” if I’m going to be open to their favorite way of sharing friendship.
We can train our cat that a blanket thrown over our lap means they can settle in for an hour or so while we watch our favorite shows or play a movie. We can show our cat we missed them all day if we hang up our coat and start a play session.
Know when it’s being offered. We can instantly respond if our cat places a paw on our knee or meows at us. If we brush them off as “bugging us” we have just hurt their feelings; and discouraged them from making such overtures.
If our cat seems to pick all the wrong times to ask for attention, we need to let them know when there is a good time.
Know when they are doing their best. It doesn’t make any sense to feel hurt when our Gamma doesn’t need a play session every day, or if our Alpha can’t settle down long enough to cuddle on the couch.
We should keep in mind that it’s a rare cat who will display every possible flavor of affection.
I often get asked how someone’s cat could be more cuddly; or less intrusive. How to get their cat to be more friendly with strangers, less driven, different. But while we can make our cat more confident and trusting, less fearful and suspicious; we cannot change the cat’s essential nature. Any more than we can change our own.
There’s always what I do; have multiple cats to cover all bases.
Maximize our kitten’s potential with Keeping Kittens Cuddly. Figure out all the subtle ways cats express affection with the first post in my Presence series.
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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.
My black cat, Eko, likes his snuggles RJ style. He’s open to random petting but really WANTS it at arond 5 pm after his long afternoon nap. (He strategically gets up while the other 2 are still napping.) I’m always in the kitchen cooking dinner and in he comes meowing. Dinner gets put on hold and he likes me to stand, holding him to my chest and petting him. He turns on his turbo purr (a purr mixed with a trill) and sometimes kneads on my chest. He would stay like that indefinitely so I was having a dilemma as to how to put him down when I need to get back to cooking…such sad “pick me back up” meows. I finally discovered that I can sit on a stool and continue petting him. He is then in a less preferred position (he likes standing snuggles) and HE chooses to get down and be on his way. Of course, a couple of times he has decided that the lap thing is pretty good too.
Oh well, the snuggles are worth a few burnt biscuits and overboiled pots.
Oh, yes.
Smooch (who thanks you for all the help) is such a strange boy. He will come and mug me for affection for 30 seconds or so of full-body snuggling, and then he’s done. But if I don’t engage in Admiring him throughout the day, Petting in Place, and Getting Down On His Level, these voluntary but brief mega-snuggles happen far less often. He DOES come into a room sometimes and cry, and then I know that his little love-tank is all dry, but he’s not always brave enough for that, and he only does it when I am in my room or the studio (where the other cats do not come or are not allowed). If I don’t go in there one day, and he doesn’t get a chance to do that if he wants, I know I have to give him extra time before bed.
He gets in bed with me and snuggle-stalks me, creeping closer every 20 seconds or so until he is against my side, then moving under the covers, down to my feet, and then up onto my chest again under the covers. I can’t just take him from the bedside and shove him under the covers or he gets upset and leaves. He has to do it his way. This way makes him comfortable, because he can approach slowly and politely and work both of us up to the snuggle, or he can back off if he needs to.
I have learned that, when most cats would be on my lap, purring, he will lay next to me on the back of the couch, facing me, or facing away with his tail just touching my shoulder. It is the same level of affection that he is feeling. Every once in a while I will reach up and pet him with one or two fingers on his face (that was a great suggestion, thank you so much) and then he might let me play “got your nose” (best ever with a flat-faced cat who has almost no nose to begin with). When most cats would put on a display of “Love you love you pet me pet me!”, he will just arch his back and flip his tail against my leg and then wait for me to reciprocate with a petting.
He has a smile, a very distinctive face that he makes, so expressive, so beatific, that he has only just started making, and I know that he has finally settled in and trusts and loves me completely. I’ve finally made him happy.
You have to adapt, and be willing to accept that the cat DOES feel affection, and then try to figure out HOW they are trying to show it. Because if you look, it is nearly always there. And you have to make space for it, give the cat a safe space/time to show it.
Tiny breakthroughs, so tiny, but they add up so fast.
Thank you for sharing these tips! These are really a big help. As an animal communicator, these issues are also very popular but have the smallest attention so thanks so much for these. Hope you continue sharing with everyone!
My cat Penny likes it when I get down on the floor next to her and pet her. She’s also open to occasional drive by petting. I was a bit disappointed at first that she’s not a lap cat, but then realized, she has her own personality, and that she’s loving in her own way. And that’s OK- people are not all the same and cats aren’t either. Something I’ve learned here.
@ Naamah: You write so beautifully about your cat and seem so wonderfully attuned to reading him and figuring out what he needs and wants — of COURSE he’s a happy cat!