Watch how they react to a subject of mutual interest, like mealtime or the appearance of a favorite toy. Do they bump shoulders and exchange glances, Don’t ya love this part?
Or maybe they circle each other warily, annoyed that such a lovely occasion has to be shared with That Idiot.
The cat who is most likely to be shunned is The Dork.
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
We humans adore the Dork’s great qualities. But our Dork is cat-socially inept. They will continually send the wrong signals, and wind up (without knowing it) rejecting other cats’ offers of friendship.
I’ve had Dorks of every intelligence level. While Puffy is a logic-challenged Gamma Dork, Chip was a bright Alpha with extraordinary caper skills; when but a kitten, he managed to steal a pastrami sandwich that was as big as he was; and he almost got away with it.
While Dorks have a lovely rapport with their people, other cats can become annoyed by the Dork’s mere presence. They will avoid interactions and try to push the Dork out of common areas so they can pretend, for long stretches, they aren’t really sharing their home with a Cat Stooge. The only cats who get along with the Dork are big-hearted and thick-skinned Betas with the mellow confidence to shrug off the dorky responses they get.
Exile may or may not bother the Dork. Chip was happy with minimal cat interaction, being so people-oriented no one would have noticed anything wrong with him had he lived in a single cat home.
Puffy does seek out the other cats when he’s excited and wishes to share. In an emergency, Mr. Bond suppresses his annoyance and provides some support, while in day-to-day interactions our muffin-hearted RJ will say hello and try to get him to play, which winds up confusing Puffy if I’m not around to reassure him that RJ’s overtures are well-meant.
But some Dorks, especially Betas, long for more cat companionship than they wind up getting. If we have a cat who seems to harass the other cats, yet never gets what they want from it, be it a favorite spot or playtime, we may have a lonely Dork.
What can we do?
Intervene when needed. The Dork is the opposite situation of when we have cats who get along with other cats, but have trouble with humans. These are cats who are human-socially inept, but with the help of their cat friends, they are often able to improve their trust of, and communication with, people.
Unfortunately, it can be very difficult for Dorks to learn cat social skills. Cats are not equipped to explain to the Dork why their response is so infuriating. Without some help, our Dorks will keep going with their instincts; which are, like George Constanza on Seinfeld, always wrong.
I was able to teach Puffy that when we wants something, he should use his Paw. However, when he gets excited at dinnertime, he winds up using his Paw on Mr. Bond, and whacks him in the face. Mr. Bond has been known to march out of the kitchen, lest he lose his temper.
I monitor Puffy at mealtime, and when he tries to go for Mr. Bond’s face, I gently remind him Mr. Bond doesn’t like that, and he should be sweet to Mr. Bond. While Puffy can’t quite manage the right response, I at least keep him from making the wrong one. This allows Puffy to enjoy mealtime with the other cats.
When we observe our Dork making a similar bone-headed move, we can step in, explain to the other cats that the poor Dork doesn’t mean any harm, and hopefully head off retaliation.
Encourage good vibes. The next group gathering, choose a time when everyone is calm and happy, and make a fuss over every cat in turn. Tell the other cats that our Dork doesn’t mean any harm, he’s just challenged, but you love them all so much.
Cats allow other cats to share windowsills, meals, and other resources most happily when they are getting something from it. When they see the Dork in the group as having no useful purpose, they get indignant. This little exercise shows that the Dork at least makes us happy. That should count for something!
Anything that helps the other cats see some point to the Dork is progress.
Get them a kitten. Many Dorks were set upon the wrong path by circumstances. I had to rescue the tiny Chip from a cardboard box in a coffee shop. I could tell he was going to be a handful for somebody; and he’d been taken from his mother much too young.
This kind of early disruption is common in Dorks. Without a mother cat and littermates to model communication in the crucial early stages, some cats just can’t grasp it. While some of them don’t miss other cats, some do. And now they are unable to get the right kind of attention.
Getting our Dork the right Beta kitten, of the same sex, serves many purposes. Kittens love interaction with older cats, and will happily approach everyone. Our lonely Dork will literally leap at the chance to interact with another cat who doesn’t give them the cold shoulder.
We have to remember we are getting the kitten for the Dork. (That’s our story, and we are publicly sticking to it.) Of course, everyone who is capable of it can enjoy the kitten, and that’s fine, too. But our new Beta has both the skills to befriend the Dork, and the youthful openness to tolerate social gaffes.
We must tell everyone that New One is the Dork’s kitten and this will keep him or her from getting lonely… and bothering the other cats. We won’t break up a play session or try to turn the other cats off the kitten; we want the kitten to get along with everyone. But fussing over them together, referring to the two of them as The Gals or The Guys, and enjoying the two of them as a team will cement the bond.
As the kitten grows and develops, they will still remain a friend to our Dork, while, in that lovely Beta way, being a friend to everyone else, too.
If our lonely Dork feels accepted by their kitten, they will model some of the kitten’s social behaviors, and actually pick up some skills. Not a lot, perhaps.
But they will be happier, less needy and desperate, and less likely to be broadcasting miserable anxiety to the other cats. Which is part of why the other cats have been giving the Dork such a hard time.
It’s a win-win.
Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more to choosing a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CHOOSING A CAT.
I have a cat that is truly a loner. He hated all other cats. Then I got 3 little kittens and darned if he didn’t love those kittens. He still puts up with them somewhat. But he almost took care of them. I was amazed because he hated other cats. Would growl, slap eveyone and jump on some of the cats and really hurt them. I always have felt like he never had any brothers or sisters to play with so never learned how to play.He was many of my rescues.
True, Margaret, the “magic of kittens” can unlock many a crusty heart.
Since kittens are still learning social signals, they can give a handicapped cat the benefit of the doubt; which is sometimes all they need.
This seems like one of Robie’s issues with other cats. We got him when he was 5 weeks old, and didn’t get another kitten till he was 6 or 7 mos. old. It’s always seemed to us that Robie initiates all the hostilities, but perhaps he sees other cats’ friendly advances as a threat? He does indeed communicate with humans on a more complex level than most cats would though!
He’s now 11 years old and very much bonded to my husband, who unfortunately had taught him to enjoy rough play and despite my efforts and having him read your articles on the subject, old habits die hard… he still gets Robie overstimulated by grabbing, wrestling, etc. As if this weren’t enough, Robie, though neutered at 5 months old, behaves pretty much un-neutered, except that he doesn’t spray. He’s very territorial, scratches everywhere to mark his turf no matter what we do, and has inappropriate relations with clothes and towels.
I feel bad for him as he’s very bright and I’m sure he gets bored.
I’m considered fostering some kittens. He’s lived with 3 different cats so far, and the best relation has been mutual avoidance with the occasional slap-fight if they get too close. We have two spayed females in addition to him. They’re 11 and 1 years, at least the girls seem like they might get along well once the younger one settles down (a young playmate might help until then?) Given Robie’s other issues besides Dorkiness, is introducing more cats/kittens a good idea?
Poor Robie! Five weeks is awfully tiny. He must have felt overwhelmed at times, though kittens hate to admit it. Then he has a close relationship with your husband, but this would have brought out Robie’s territoriality, as you’ve seen. Fortunately Robie is bright and confident; but this one-two punch has made him more arrogant than he would normally be. Other cats would have reacted by withdrawing; Robie overcompensates. From his point of view, he’s been “having to defend himself” his whole life.
Add arrogance to poor social skills, and it doesn’t seem like he longs for cat companionship. The sad Dork who is driven to seek other cats, and doesn’t know how to do it, probably doesn’t apply.
You could foster some kittens, which would be considered a close-ended deal and would let you “test drive” the other cats reactions. Close monitoring of the kittens would be in order; they would need to go to their new home with lots of people skills and good cat relations, which they could get from each other if all else fails. The youngest one could be a great help; she would probably love to have some kitten playmates; something two 11 year old cats would find challenging to provide.
And this brings up a good point for Robie’s future; he’s 11. Your husband would improve his cat relations with Robie if he could moderate his attitude. Robie is about 60 in human years; a tough time to still feel pressured to patrol and be the Big Strong Cat. Bright cats age into a more Grand Old Man approach; if Robie is not given this graceful out, he can feel too much is being asked of him, and he can get defensive and over-compensate. He’s now The Coach; not an 19 year old freshman tackle.
I’m sure your husband cares about Robie, and his “manly interactions” are intended to express that. I’m sure he feels Robie likes it. And since it’s coming from The Biggest Cat of all, Robie sees it as part of their bonding rituals. But it can be done verbally, with praise and admiration, instead of hands on, as Robie ages–something very many of us hate to admit. Games like hiding a toy and encouraging Robie to look for it, and seeing if Robie likes pretend games like “Where’s Robie?” (we look for the cat in different places, while the cat tried to explain they are right there!) with a big finish of “Robie, I’ve been looking all over for you!” can help them express their interest in each other without rough play.
So I think you could certainly foster kittens, with proper policing and support. But Robie’s interests might not lie there; while his mutual avoidance style might be tested by kittens wanting to play, the 1 year old can handle those recreational duties. But you and others could enjoy the kittens; Robie’s not a bully. He simply sees himself as someone of which much has been asked; it’s a credit to him that he handles it as well as he does.
Wow, thank you so much for the in-depth counsel! Adding arrogance to poor social skills and high intelligence created a quintessential geek – no wonder we were amazed to get such a great cat, we’re both of the Geek persuasion ourselves.
I didn’t mean to imply that husband wasn’t trying, he of course cares very much for his little Geek Cat. It’s just that we had no idea what was going on until I stumbled across your blog a few months ago. His rough play always seemed wrong to me, but I couldn’t argue with his facts: Robie not only “kept coming back for more”, but also strongly preferred husband over me. If he didn’t like the rough play why wouldn’t he withdraw from it, the way Khaki had made her opinion known? Now we know why, and poor Geek Husband has to admit I was right after all these years! He’s starting to see that at Robie’s age, he must change his favorite bonding rituals, but having a hard time because they’re 11 year old habits. I’ll explain your insights to him. These area great ideas, and Robie loves to invent his own bizarre little games for us. We’ll continue to work on replacing those of their rituals that might make be making Robie feel pressured.
I don’t know how soon I might be able to foster but I will let you know if/when it happens! It would be great for Fiona, the new girl, and take the pressure off me to keep her entertained so she won’t stress out the seniors. She’s so disappointed that they won’t play with her! We hadn’t planned on a new cat so soon after Daemon, but Fiona turned up in need of rescue and bonded to me, so all 3 kitties have had big changes recently.
I have had my primary cat since he was eight weeks old. When he became an adult, I could see that he needed stimulation and he always sought it from me by finding little balls or pieces of string and then dropping them at my feet so we could play catch. He would also attack and stalk my feet.
I got him a companion cat — a rescued kitty from a shelter, who was sweet and gentle, but timid. While this guy will cuddle for hours at night, he is hard to catch and hides from humans. Nonetheless, my primary cat looked after him like a big brother by cleaning his coat and playing and sleeping with him.
I then adopted two Himalayans who were highly socialized. Both had grown up participating in chat shows and living in cat saunas. They had the graces, good manners, and intelligence of Harvard graduates.
By example, the highly socialized Himalayans have taught my timid rescue kitty how to behave. He follows their example and models his own behavior after theirs, in turn, becoming more confident and social. He also turns upside down and sleeps with all four legs in the air, like they do.
The Himalayans who know they are a class above the other two sometimes amble by and slap the other two cats in the face. When it happens, the other two look on in disbelief and usually retreat.
One of the Himalayans is a dork. I don’t know what is wrong with her. She is sweet, but a little nuts, perhaps from too much inbreeding. Nevertheless, my rescue kitty generally targets the dork Himalyan. For whatever reason, he loves mounted her, biting the scruff of her neck, and meowing. Sometimes he just meows at her. I don’t know whether this is a school boy crush of his or if he is trying to establish his place on the pecking order by pickinig on the nerdiest cat.
So far they all get along, with the most highly socialized cat sitting on the top of the cat hierarchy and the most dorky one, sitting at the bottom. The dorkiest, incidentally, loves people.
Oh, yes, dorks usually have nothing wrong with their loving hearts. Just trouble expressing themselves to other cats.
Your story is a great illustration of how cats learn from each other. When they can.