Not only is it a trusting act to groom and be groomed, it is also highly practical. Cats don’t clean spots on other cats which can be easily accessed. Cats clean spots, like the top of the head and the back of the neck, that are difficult for the owners to reach.
We should notice, and praise, our cats for such signs of teamwork.
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Just the other day, Olwyn bounced up to RJ and invited him to play. He had a mission to get to (doubtless a windowsill was calling his name) but he declined politely by briefly cleaning the top of her head.
It’s a greeting, an apology, a hug. Even Mr. Bond, who is reserved when it comes to other cats, would allow Puffy to lick the top of his head. While he wouldn’t reciprocate, he wouldn’t hurt Puffy’s feelings by rejecting his overtures, either.
It can be the drowsy preliminary to a shared nap, or a kind of bare-knuckled mothering, where the recipient is held in place with a paw and told it’s for their own good.
We reproduce the power of grooming when we pet our cats on top of their heads, or scratch around their ears or under the chin. These are tricky spots to get to, and cats find such attentions pleasing.
Even though we might see other cats get vigorous with their grooming, we cannot imitate them exactly. We don’t have the tools or the sensibilities. So keep our actions gentle, and let the cat’s head come to us. When our cat sets the pace and the pressure, we know they are still having a good time.
Grooming is something common in primates, and we humans do it for each other; professionally, parentally, or as a friend. While we are used to thinking of stroking our cat as “petting,” it seems like a form of grooming to our cat.
Which might be why they like it so much.
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Does it mean something different if the one cat gives two or three licks on the head, then bites the other in the ribcage?
I never thought of it that way but the whole we think it’s petting/they think it’s grooming makes a lot of sense.
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Oldcat: not knowing the cats in question, I would say the licks on the head were meant to signal that the bites were playful.
Shakatany: Thanks!
I have a cat that isn’t very affectionate either. The best thing to do is to leave her alone as much as possible. She will come to you when she wants attention. If you guys abruptly stop giving her so much attention it is likely she will be like “Hey, whats going on here?” and come looking for attention. Also I have noticed that my cat is so much more affectionate after a trip to the groomers…LOL. I think it is because she must be thankful that I don’t try and give her a bath like the mean ladies at the groomers do…or maybe when I come to pick her up she thinks that I am saving her from those awfull people. All I know is whenever I take her to the groomers she becomes much more lovely and affectionate for a few weeks afterward. When I got my cat as a kitten she didn’t like much attention at all and she hated being picked up or carried around. I slowly got her to come around by just giving her a few short pets here and there and talking to her nicely without petting her. If she walked away from me I would leave her alone. I started to pick her up once or twice a day for short increments of time (seconds) then slowly let those increase until she would let me hold her. When I started picking her up I would face her away from me and put her feet on my hands so she felt safe….like in case I dropped her she could jump to the floor (I think part of her problem was from a little girl she was around who would drop her) She is still fairly independent but much better. Now she even occasionally comes and curls up in my lap when I am sitting on the couch or under my arm while I am sleeping. Maybe you could get another cat since it seems like you guys have more love and attention to give then your cat wants. I got another cat and he is such a lover that I don’t have a problem giving the other cat her space.
thanks christie! makes sense!(:
Oh, Christie, I love your “more cats” solution.
My Kethy had extreme standoffish issues when I first brought her home (she was a rescued stray). For the first couple years, no one knew I even had a 4th cat. She’d hit the food bowl and litter box when no one was around or everyone was sleeping. She was my little black ghost. Right around her 4th year with me, she’d let me catch glimpses of her every month or so. After 2 more years, I was surprised when she’d actively seek me out, once every couple of months, for exactly 90 seconds of pet-me-right-now-thanks-see-ya time. It wasn’t until she’d been with me for ten years that, one night, she came into my bedroom, crawled under sheets and comforter, and curled up into a ball in the small of my back. She would faithfully sleep with me from then on but still hid during the day. It wasn’t until the last 6 months of her life that she fully let down her guard and went through what I still think of as her second kittenhood.
Cats are just as unique in their personalities as people. I don’t know what Kethy went through in her first year, before I rescued her. She was never resentful of being an indoor-only cat. She was content and happy being invisible most of her life. In those last 6 months, I think she wanted to make sure I knew how grateful she was.
Having multiple cats is kind of like having a couple best friends–no one cat gets stuck with the entire burden of your needs and expectations. Every one is free to be who they were meant to be.
Thanks for the advice Christie. My cat is similar to yours. He doesn’t seem to mind the petting and affection, but after a short while will simply get up and walk off when he has had enough. However, after scooping him up and giving him reassuring hugs a few times a day, he is becoming far more tolerant of our petting (and handling). And now he even comes up to me, does a bellyflop and calls out to me to rub his chin!
It’s all about respecting the space and mood of the cat. It doesn’t hurt to make any advances towards the independent cat, as long as we keep those factors in mind.