This makes sense in the wild, when they don’t have time to think things through; they only have time to react.

This also makes sense in our home; because a lot of what our cats deal with was created by us, for us. They cannot “figure it out” without a frame of reference.

For so many things, they simply don’t have one.

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I’m a fan of the books by Laurence Gonzales, where he explains how “we think we are thinking” when we make decisions; yet so many of these decisions were arrived at with emotion, and then rationalized so we look more logical to ourselves.

The underlying emotional state is important to how we, and cats, view events and shape our reactions. Because we can, through carelessness and thoughtlessness, create a less than optimum environment for our cat. This is how we have a less than optimum cat experience.

We can rush through our preparations and chores, tripping over the cat as we do so, and get angry at them for getting in our way. They should know better than to bother us when we are trying to get to work/get dinner on the table/get that project done/get ready for bed!

Then when we do have time for them… where is the cat? We’d like to have some cuddling right now, after the day we’ve had. We’re ready to pet them and play with them right now. But the cat won’t come, won’t get out from behind the couch, won’t stop evading our impatient hand. Well, that’s all the time we have for them in our busy schedule, so we stomp out of the room. Stupid cat!

These are the people who tell me, in all sincerity, that they had a cat once, and it was a lousy pet.

I understand. I really do. But one of the great strengths of cats as pets is how they can insinuate themselves seamlessly into our busy schedules; if we make the slightest of room for them. Even if we only take a minute, we can connect with the cat in that minute.

Cats do not look at the food dish that was filled in a hurry, or the nice cat bed that is far away from where the humans hang out, and say to themselves, Look how much they love me. We might as well show them the vet bill and say, “There, that’s how much.” These are not the gestures our cat can interpret as a loving message of their worth.

When their emotional needs, their desire for connection, is constantly brushed aside until a snatched space appears, they cannot suddenly cram all that needed trust and security into that space.

We need to be fully and completely there for them. We can pause almost any endeavor to return the little gestures of a cat trying to be friendly. This makes them more responsive the next time we make a gesture.

They won’t have to be in our way; when we have created a way for them to be with us when they want to be.

When they need to be.

Make sure our cats have mostly good entries in their Cat Database.

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Becoming either withdrawn or aggressive can be a cat’s way of coping with stress, but it’s not the best way. They need help.

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Why have events overwhelmed our cat? How can we fix it? Here are some factors to consider:

Territory sensitive? Some cats are reliant on geographical cues to help them orient themselves, figure things out, and pay attention only to what they need to.

Disrupting the environment of such a cat is going to be more stressful than for a cat who uses a few important touchstones. If they know where their litter, scratching post, and sleeping stations are, they will be quicker to feel content.

Missing someone? The house can get someone new who is getting all of a certain person’s attention. There might not be certain persons at all after a change.

Cats will mourn and feel anxiety until they get over having their attachment disrupted. If we give them emotional support, they will feel better faster. They will always miss the person, but they don’t have to become sick or distracted any more.

Needs help with new routine? Some cats worry that the new place will have new, and unknown, routines. They fear having trouble in the new litter spot or where their favorite bed has gone.

Make a fuss over where their new spots are, and point out important dishes and other equipment that belongs to them. We could make a point of showing them their dishes before the move, or get some new, distinctive ones to help the cats make the transition.

Lost in the shuffle? Of course, our cat is not the only one coping with these changes. We can be overwhelmed too, and often this means we will regard our cat’s distress as just one more burden on us. But that’s usually the wrong way to look at it.

Because our cat is begging for more attention, and attention we pay to our cat is a stress reducer.

So let’s trying doing both of us a favor, and see if we can’t curl up with our furry buddy for some stress relief for both of us. Let them know we love them, that it’s hard on us too, that we need them to help us feel better.

Let our cat feel important again. That’s the step that might have been missing. That’s the step that will make us both feel love again.

That’s the one thing we can’t lose in the move.

Get cat moving tips with Dear Pammy, How can I lower my cat’s stress from moving?

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We invoke this, or ignore this, at our peril.

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Fur puffing is a survival instinct designed to make our cat look bigger to whatever is threatening them. Make no mistake: fur puffing is always a threat response.

Kittens look comical when they do it, usually at any unanticipated move or noise, because kittens don’t know what to make of a whole lot of things. Kittens use this as a constant default move, because they don’t feel confident dealing with threats, and don’t have much experience evaluating the source of threats. So we can see our kittens puff up and deflate very easily, just from being jumped by another kitten or a shift in light or motion from an open window.

This can be involuntary, as when a cat hears a sudden loud noise. It can be chronic, as when a cat is wary in a new situation and hasn’t calmed down yet. It can be deliberate, as when people ignorantly assume a cat is having as much fun being teased as the person is having from teasing them.

But this signal is a very important one; it is never done by the cat on purpose, or pretending. So when a cat puffs up, it is because they feel threatened. For real.

I tease our cats all the time, yet never get the puffy fur signal. That’s because my cats know I’m teasing them in play. I’m not doing it to get them angry or frustrated or frightened.

When I grab their paw in play, they are always in a comfortable spot and know I’m about to grab their paw, and that I’ll do it gently. When I poke their belly, it’s because they have presented their belly to me, and I move my fingers slowly. When we play Villain Hands with RJ, he might be alert, even puzzled, but he’s never actually frightened.

If we make the cat puff up, we’re doing it wrong.

Whatever we’re doing, we are actually scaring the cat. This can only lead to fear, mistrust, and someone getting hurt, either physically or emotionally.

When we are settling in a wary stray or sensitive shelter cat, we might observe the cat has a vaguely puffy appearance. We might think this cat just has a lot of fur, but if we pay special attention, we might see the “spiked spine” or “bottle brush tail” that indicates a cat under stress.

RJ is one of the most furred kitties in the world, but his generous tail forms a fan when he’s happy. Stress causes the fur to stand out from the spine in the opposite way of a cat who feels secure, where their fur spreads from the sides of the tail.

When our cat is relaxed, so is their fur. We should always listen to it.

It says a lot.

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My cat came back (from the vet/from being lost/from staying with someone else) and now it’s like the poor cat’s gone crazy. How do I get my old cat back?

Dear Readers,

They may have been to the vet/lost/with that person before, even many times. But this time, something was too much.

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Cats are bright animals, but the conceptual leap required to understand exactly what happened is beyond them. So then a cat needs to find a stress target. This big mess of sad and frightened feelings arrives back home; and their survival instincts urge them to find what has changed that has brought this upon them.

In their natural habitat, cats would be right. Something attacked them, or made them sick, and they should either avoid it, or drive it out of their territory. But in our homes, this instinct can be distorted into a cat targeting someone or something which had nothing to do with it! We can help our cat de-stress by trying these strategies:

Burn up their excess energy. Stress pumps up the cat’s feelings and leaves them a bundle of nerves. So let’s try playing them into the ground more often. A tired cat is then a relaxed cat, which leads to a cat getting enough deep sleep. This will get our cat feeling more like their old happy self.

Defend the helpless. Whether the cat is targeting living or non-living objects to let out their distress, we need to redirect that energy. The poor target is sure not to like their situation, and then they become another source of stress. Remind our traumatized cat that They like Mister Whiskers! and That chair didn’t do anything to you! Use our distress or happiness to steer our cat away from pointless acting out.

Express distress the right way. We must show them something that actually works. Misbehaving de-stresses the cat for a little while (at least I’m not thinking about how upset I am!) but not for long.

We often fuss over the cat after a bad experience. There’s nothing wrong with that. But we must not be too different from our usual self, either.

What the cat needs is their previous routine.

That means our cat has to be held to the standard of their previous behavior.

We can feel sorry for the cat. We are glad when the cat is affectionate with us, and grateful they don’t seem to blame us. So we are even less likely than usual to step in and make the cat stop the new, bad, things they are doing.

When that is exactly what we have to do.

When we act like we used to, we encourage the cat to act like they used to. When the cat is feeling less stressed, and more like their own selves; they will stop trying to act out all their stress.

We reverse the downward spiral; how their apprehension makes them harass other cats, and get harassed back, which makes their fear worse.

We let our cat know we still love them, and that nothing has changed.

This is the path to getting our cat back.

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Would it surprise anyone if we also considered the cat’s needs throughout? Not if they know me.

Because in addition to creating a room we can live in, we want to live there with our cats. We can make informed decisions that will help all of us cope with decor changes, and all of us enjoying our new room.

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Preparing the cats. If we are going to be moving things with boxes, introduce the boxes with enough lead time for the cats to enjoy them, too. Of course, some cats become interested again once we starting putting things in the boxes. If we are assembling file boxes for storage in front of the cats, they will find that process one they want to join.

Which is great for all concerned, as long as we are not in a hurry. So we made several boxes with the cats’ enthused help, and left a few sitting around at any given time, so they could have a box, too. The bits of cardboard cutout that fell off during the construction offer more fun; and more opportunities to keep the cats distracted and helpful.

Olwyn liked to sit in the boxes and spy through the handholds at the other cats, while RJ wanted a toy tossed in there so he could play Gladiator. Mr Bond wanted reassurance that we weren’t putting any cats in storage.

Isolate trouble areas. We might not be aware that as soon as we deconstruct the room we are working in, we have removed all the rules. But yes; most cats will think that’s exactly what we are doing.

No one said lamps should be left alone, when they are on the floor. They weren’t told they can’t jump from the top of the bookcase to the couch, or vice versa; now that the couch has been moved. And they never bothered that thing before because the thing is more interesting where it is now.

So take away all breakables, box up things that need to be out of the way, and enforce some New Rules. But these rules should also include where the scratching post is now, and where the toybox will wind up.

I put Olwyn’s toybox on a bookshelf, and she tipped it over getting a toy out. That was okay, because I knew the toybox got turned over on the floor, and it would be treated the same way on the bookshelf.

I put my cellphone, iPod touch, notepad, and other items into a small basket. This was something I could declare off limits to the cats, and I knew where everything was, as long as I found the basket.

Protect the cats. We had two helpers come in and get boxes and unwanted furniture out of the apartment. Then came everyone’s favorite part, which was assembling the new little couch.

The cats didn’t have a favorite part, because I knew they would be hiding in the bedroom all afternoon. But if we have cats who are friendly to strangers who show up and start going in and out of the doors, make sure we shut them into a separate room. It’s hard enough moving furniture. It could be disastrous if a cat decides to play Underfoot.

However, when are moving small items or testing the new furniture, we should make sure our cats become a part of it. They need to learn the ways our new furniture works for them, so be ready with a blanket or a cushion to mark off places for them.

Work with the cats. I got a microfiber fabric, since I’ve had good luck with that. It’s easy to clean, won’t cling to pet hair the way more textured fabrics might, and occasional pulls vanish.

We need to remember that as much as we might like chenille, those little tufts are just asking to be pulled out, ruining the appearance. Likewise, leather can be a poor choice, since even the smallest nicks will show up on shiny leather. Choosing a “distressed” appearance in such tricky upholstery can be a good way of indulging our leather liking, while not setting up the cats to get in trouble.

Because cats are going to use our furniture. So do we. Getting furniture that is willing to shrug off imperfect behavior, including our own, will look better, longer.

I want the cats to sit on the furniture with me. So we got a couch that will fit in our small room, and still allows the cats to be with us. Unless they are arm sitters, cats have trouble cozying up to recliners. Ours would get comfortable on the leg rest; until we had to get up.

We can take this opportunity to increase our cat’s satisfaction with their scratching post, and keep them away from the furniture for that purpose. If we don’t have it fastened or weighted down in some way, sturdy furniture will be more appealing. Fasten it to a heavy chair or bookcase, or, as I did, put a handweight in the bottom. Cats will feel they have gotten a whole new toy.

Give the cats their favorite bookcase top, and they will cooperate in leaving the others alone. Park a chair or tall piece of cat furniture to allow easy access, and they won’t be missing the jumps or having to dig their claws in. This keeps everything looking good.

If our cat’s hiding place is disappearing, make an effort to create another one. Set up a corner out of the traffic areas, or get them a play tunnel or cat condo. Cats will be with us more often when we have their things mixed with ours.

Our living room is still a work in progress. But I am enjoying the heck out of our new couch. RJ and Mr Bond curled up together on one cushion. Olwyn loves to nestle on the padded arm. They are all more likely to settle down with me, the way they like, when there are spaces for them that don’t leave when I do.

So we all feel our new room is off to a great start.

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Of my present three cats, RJ is the one with the strongest prey drive. I know this even though he does not have access to the outdoors to show his mighty hunter skills. In play, he is the one who must complete the cycle by wrestling, and subduing, something.

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When we play with the laser pointer, he needs the stuffed dog to end the session. When we bring out the wand toy, he has to finish with his teeth clamped on the toy at the end, and won’t relinquish it until he is certain it has given up the ghost.

RJ is an example of how much genetic heritage contributes to this behavior. Observation of wild and feral cats have concluded that while kittens are born knowing how to pounce and chase, their mothers teach them how to kill and devour. Without this input and reinforcement, a cat is less likely to take their play all the way.

RJ had very little interaction in his early years, because he wouldn’t even play with toys when we first got him. Once we got his instincts activated, he showed such a strong drive that our play with him now needs the end game that simulates the killing phase.

Not all cats need this. My cat Myron would chase a sponge ball all day, but he would groom the family hamsters. Mr. Bond loves to ambush, but he concludes play by upending the toy, or losing interest. He has no need to complete the prey cycle.

Beta cats tend to have the strongest prey drive, indicating that these cats are probably the closest to the wild state. Domestication has expanded cats’ assertion and terraforming qualities, as in Alphas, or emphasized their sensitive and observational qualities, such as Gammas.

But any cat can display strong prey drives. Feral kittens, scrappy strays, or cats with access to the outdoors have the opportunity to develop the complete hunter package.

What this means to us as pet parents is that we must take care of our cats who have these strong drives, and usually we must make a special effort. Toys which start with our input, like wand toys or laser pointers, need to end with a final struggle that we supply. Something must be subdued before the cat feels completion.

All needs reach for satiation.

Cats who show signs of stress or frustration might be missing this final element. When our cats ask for food, we don’t just show them a can. When our cats ask for play, they might need the full cycle.

For all cats, the play’s the thing. Some cats are happy with Act One and Act Two, sighting and chasing the prey. But some of our cats need Act Three, the subduing and killing of their prey. They don’t know why they need it, they just do.

Cats who keep asking for play, cats who seem to seek out objects to destroy, and cats who wail or cry for no discernible reason might be needing the complete prey cycle. Our help can give them the relief they are asking for.

Cat wants and cat needs are usually the same thing.

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Keeping them predictable makes for a happy cat.

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Different cat types have different security needs. A curious Alpha will find a change will trip their curiosity switch, while a cautious Gamma will find a change will trip their uncertainty switch. Betas will find changes in their routines or people more upsetting than furniture rearrangement, which they will usually take in stride.

To understand a cat’s reaction to changes in the home, we must remember that cats are terraformers. Not only do they keep track of every path through their territory, and every behavior in it, they will also try to change the objects around them to suit them better.

With a Gamma, it’s examining a vacuumed pillow to know if it has changed in any important way. With an Alpha, it can be moving as many things as they can shove.

Cats, above all, want to know what to expect. In any given situation. Smooth running routines, spots that haven’t changed since they’ve last been visited, and our predictable responses to what they do is all part of the territory/security package.

Cats in the home perform a delicate balancing act that will both fulfill their instinctual desires for territory control, and keep us happy when their views on where the vase wants to be does not meet with agreement. It is always a process of negotiation; and cats are quietly aware that this is our territory, and we have the final say.

Making a show of consulting them, warning them that changes are coming, and showing them their spots which have not changed may seem, to us, like exercises in pretending and in stating the obvious. That is exactly what they are. But doing it communicates respect to the cat about their security and comfort.

Subjects they feel as strongly about as we do.

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If these don’t work, cats are like any human; they just keep doing them more and more.

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It can be hard to tell if cats are grooming, scratching, or running around too much, when these are things they like to do, anyway. Some warning signs:

The right response depends on the cat and their circumstances. When RJ starts going nuts, I just talk to him. He hasn’t yet mastered coming to us every time he wants something, so a little attention from us derails his anxiety, and we will then encourage him to let us know what is going on.

This can be a good first step. If we see the cat stressing, we can see if our voice and interest will shut off the response and let it be redirected into some play or petting. If this works, we know that the cat doesn’t know how to ask for attention, and we can come up with ways for them to let us know when they need care or cuddling.

If the cat’s routine has changed, it might not be working. Some things can’t be avoided; an illness in the family or extra work outside the home might not be negotiable. But if we’ve been ignoring the cat because we are busy, we now have another problem. We can take care of the cat’s stress, and our own, by making sure we have fun and friendly times. It’s good for both of us.

It might be that the cat is fixating on one of their coping strategies, to the neglect of the others. If they are grooming too much, see if we can interest them in one of their scratching posts. If they are scratching too much, see if we can help them burn it up in some rowdy play sessions. If they are pushing past exhaustion with frantic activity, try to defuse them with a quieting grooming session.

If these tips aren’t helping, we should get them a medical checkup; often, cat illnesses will manifest in just this way.

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So we must respect their stress level. There’s good stress and bad stress, and we don’t want bad stress.

They can build it up in their bodies, and get into frantic activity. They can build it up in their minds, and develop frantic misbehavior.

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From the cat’s point of view, as a delicately balanced nervous system combines with a cautious reaction time, they can get overwhelmed most easily when they are puzzled about our intentions. We need to always speak cheerfully to the cat. We can’t make sudden moves until they are used to them, and they never like teasing unless we make it clear beforehand: This is a joke, right?

In fact, a cat can be mis-trained to get overcharged through what should be pleasurable interactions with us, because a proper level of trust has not yet been built. But there are some clear signs of overcharging that can keep everyone safe.

We can always retrain the cat, but it’s also easier not to.

Creating an atmosphere where the cat is not sure about our good intentions can come about when we think we are “playing” with the cat. We can have a high energy play session, we can chase them and be chased, we can even wrestle with the cat. But we can’t ever let the cat feel overwhelmed; that leads to overcharging. Asking them to release a lot of energy in a way that makes them anxious will block the good release of that energy. Then we have a nervous cat.

People who protest that the cat “keeps coming back for more” as a way of justifying rough play are misinterpreting the cat’s signals. Some cats will back off from rough play, and then avoid the rough player. But some cats can’t bear to show that they can be intimidated, and will feel forced to match what they see as aggression. Then we have the clueless party pushing it to the point where the cat feels threatened; and the cat defends themselves.

Then it becomes the cat’s fault when a person gets scratched. Only… it’s not the cat’s fault.

One classic way to overcharge a cat is to play too rough. Males are the most inclined to misinterpret the cat’s expressions of dislike as signs they are enjoying it.

Cat doesn’t like it.

Cat crouches and lashes tail from side to side.
Cat opens mouth as though yawning.
Cat doesn’t back down.
Cat makes sounds.

Cat likes it.

Cat rolls over on back or side.
Cat opens mouth partway.
Cat relaxes to look away from us.
Cat purrs or sighs.

Even if our attentions do charge the cat, we want them to do it in a condition of good stress. They can get wound up and chase a wand toy or sponge ball, wrestle with their toy mouse, or otherwise discharge the stress in a way that gives them exercise.

As long as it’s good stress. It works the cat’s charging/discharging cycle to keep them happy and in good shape.

It works best when we are clear about our good intentions.

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Of course, our cats had kitty moms. They would nurse from their mother, and use their feet to knead momma’s belly to increase the flow of milk and produce bonding hormones that strengthen the kitten/mother bond. All of this is instinctual, but instincts are adaptable and can be expressed in situations which trigger them.

Most cats will, when relaxed and happy, knead our laps, expressing their comfort and trust in the way they first expressed it in their lives. Cats can learn to not use their claws during this process, by our wincing and saying “ow” when they get too enthused. Cats enjoy kneading, and will modify their behavior so we can enjoy it too.

If we have a cat who is starting to drift into the drooling, glazed eyes, stage, they will forget about their claws because they are so happy. I just stick a throw or other soft object under their front paws to protect me. They are “in the zone” at such times, and startling them out of it with a correction will backfire.

I just take it as a compliment. Which it is.

Nursing is a different story. Most cats will knead, but nursing behavior is a clue that this cat did not complete the weaning process with proper support. Often these are cats who were taken from their mother too soon, as so often happens when people want to give them away at a tiny, cute stage. The separation could have been even more traumatic. But what happens is the the weaning was abruptly ended, instead of being the gradual process that “shuts off” this instinct. Not every cat whose weaning was interrupted will display this reaction, but when a cat does it, it is often a behavior that is difficult to eradicate.

Creating a good home with plenty of mutual trust and reassurance can moderate a nursing cat’s impulses. If we get them when they are tiny, and they show this behavior, we can cuddle them, offer food and water, and moderate their reaction so they can grow out of it. Even if we get them as a grown cat, we can take these same steps to help the cat find new coping skills.

Because, while they have the same root, these two behaviors are being used differently. Kneading persists as an expression of affection. Nursing is a coping strategy the cat turns to when feeling stressed. Like all coping behaviors, we can guide and direct the cat to better ones by reducing their stress and coming up with behaviors that will work better in our home.

If the cat is soaking the corners of our throw pillows, we have to remember that it’s not just the corner that satisfies the cat. It’s the fact that this corner is attached to a yielding body that gives the cat the replay of their earliest needs. The famous Harlow monkey experiment demonstrates that what the cat is seeking is comfort, not just a nipple substitute.

Give the nursing cat the cuddling and love that was missing, and they will learn to seek us out, instead of their pillow. If they are doing this while we are away from home, they are saying they miss us. See if a pillow, purchased for them and covered with our scent by rubbing it on our hair and even sleeping with it for a few nights, can be a pillow they can turn to that is even better than the ones on our sofa, and we can place it in one of the cat’s special spots.

As our cat grows and matures, they will retire their nursing behavior. But kneading persists. It’s a way of expressing affection that humans enjoy, so it gets supported by our own behavior. There’s no downside to it, for us or the cat.

So when we have the cat in our lap, don’t just have the cat in our lap. Let’s gently stroke the cat, rub their ears and faces, and cuddle their chest and belly. Let’s say sweet things to them in a low, soft, loving voice. Our love makes the cat feel secure and protected. Kneading is the cat’s way of calling us “Momma.”

That’s what we are after. A very happy cat.

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