My cat came back (from the vet/from being lost/from staying with someone else) and now it’s like the poor cat’s gone crazy. How do I get my old cat back?

Dear Readers,

They may have been to the vet/lost/with that person before, even many times. But this time, something was too much.

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Cats are bright animals, but the conceptual leap required to understand exactly what happened is beyond them. So then a cat needs to find a stress target. This big mess of sad and frightened feelings arrives back home; and their survival instincts urge them to find what has changed that has brought this upon them.

In their natural habitat, cats would be right. Something attacked them, or made them sick, and they should either avoid it, or drive it out of their territory. But in our homes, this instinct can be distorted into a cat targeting someone or something which had nothing to do with it! We can help our cat de-stress by trying these strategies:

Burn up their excess energy. Stress pumps up the cat’s feelings and leaves them a bundle of nerves. So let’s try playing them into the ground more often. A tired cat is then a relaxed cat, which leads to a cat getting enough deep sleep. This will get our cat feeling more like their old happy self.

Defend the helpless. Whether the cat is targeting living or non-living objects to let out their distress, we need to redirect that energy. The poor target is sure not to like their situation, and then they become another source of stress. Remind our traumatized cat that They like Mister Whiskers! and That chair didn’t do anything to you! Use our distress or happiness to steer our cat away from pointless acting out.

Express distress the right way. We must show them something that actually works. Misbehaving de-stresses the cat for a little while (at least I’m not thinking about how upset I am!) but not for long.

We often fuss over the cat after a bad experience. There’s nothing wrong with that. But we must not be too different from our usual self, either.

What the cat needs is their previous routine.

That means our cat has to be held to the standard of their previous behavior.

We can feel sorry for the cat. We are glad when the cat is affectionate with us, and grateful they don’t seem to blame us. So we are even less likely than usual to step in and make the cat stop the new, bad, things they are doing.

When that is exactly what we have to do.

When we act like we used to, we encourage the cat to act like they used to. When the cat is feeling less stressed, and more like their own selves; they will stop trying to act out all their stress.

We reverse the downward spiral; how their apprehension makes them harass other cats, and get harassed back, which makes their fear worse.

We let our cat know we still love them, and that nothing has changed.

This is the path to getting our cat back.

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Would it surprise anyone if we also considered the cat’s needs throughout? Not if they know me.

Because in addition to creating a room we can live in, we want to live there with our cats. We can make informed decisions that will help all of us cope with decor changes, and all of us enjoying our new room.

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Preparing the cats. If we are going to be moving things with boxes, introduce the boxes with enough lead time for the cats to enjoy them, too. Of course, some cats become interested again once we starting putting things in the boxes. If we are assembling file boxes for storage in front of the cats, they will find that process one they want to join.

Which great for all concerned, as long as we are not in a hurry. So we made several boxes with the cats enthused help, and left a few sitting around at any given time, so they could have a box, too. The bits of cardboard cutout that fell off during the construction offer more fun; and more opportunities to keep the cats distracted and helpful.

Olwyn liked to sit in the boxes and spy through the handholds at the other cats, while RJ wanted a toy tossed in there so he could play Gladiator. Mr Bond wanted reassurance that we weren’t putting any cats in storage.

Isolate trouble areas. We might not be aware that as soon as we deconstruct the room we are working in, we have removed all the rules. But yes; most cats will think that’s exactly what we are doing.

No one said lamps should be left alone, when they are on the floor. They weren’t told they can’t jump from the top of the bookcase to the couch, or vice versa; now that the couch has been moved. And they never bothered that thing before because the thing is more interesting where it is now.

So take away all breakables, box up things that need to be out of the way, and enforce some New Rules. But these rules should also include where the scratching post is now, and where the toybox will wind up.

I put Olwyn’s toybox on a bookshelf, and she tipped it over getting a toy out. That was okay, because I knew the toybox got turned over on the floor, and it would be treated the same way on the bookshelf.

I put my cellphone, iPod touch, notepad, and other items into a small basket. This was something I could declare off limits to the cats, and I knew where everything was, as long as I found the basket.

Protect the cats. We had two helpers come in and get boxes and unwanted furniture out of the apartment. Then came everyone’s favorite part, which was assembling the new little couch.

The cats didn’t have a favorite part, because I knew they would be hiding in the bedroom all afternoon. But if we have cats who are friendly to strangers who show up and start going in and out of the doors, make sure we shut them into a separate room. It’s hard enough moving furniture. It could be disastrous if a cat decides to play Underfoot.

However, when are moving small items or testing the new furniture, we should make sure our cats become a part of it. They need to learn the ways our new furniture works for them, so be ready with a blanket or a cushion to mark off places for them.

Work with the cats. I got a microfiber fabric, since I’ve had good luck with that. It’s easy to clean, won’t cling to pet hair the way more textured fabrics might, and occasional pulls vanish.

We need to remember that as much as we might like chenille, those little tufts are just asking to be pulled out, ruining the appearance. Likewise, leather can be a poor choice, since even the smallest nicks will show up on shiny leather. Choosing a “distressed” appearance in such tricky upholstery can be a good way of indulging our leather liking, while not setting up the cats to get in trouble.

Because cats are going to use our furniture. So do we. Getting furniture that is willing to shrug off imperfect behavior, including our own, will look better, longer.

I want the cats to sit on the furniture with me. So we got a couch that will fit in our small room, and still allows the cats to be with us. Unless they are arm sitters, cats have trouble cozying up to recliners. Ours would get comfortable on the leg rest; until we had to get up.

We can take this opportunity to increase our cat’s satisfaction with their scratching post, and keep them away from the furniture for that purpose. If we don’t have it fastened or weighted down in some way, sturdy furniture will be more appealing. Fasten it to a heavy chair or bookcase, or, as I did, put a handweight in the bottom. Cats will feel they have gotten a whole new toy.

Give the cats their favorite bookcase top, and they will cooperate in leaving the others alone. Park a chair or tall piece of cat furniture to allow easy access, and they won’t be missing the jumps or having to dig their claws in. This keeps everything looking good.

If our cat’s hiding place is disappearing, make an effort to create another one. Set up a corner out of the traffic areas, or get them a play tunnel or cat condo. Cats will be with us more often when we have their things mixed with ours.

Our living room is still a work in progress. But I am enjoying the heck out of our new couch. RJ and Mr Bond curled up together on one cushion. Olwyn loves to nestle on the padded arm. They are all more likely to settle down with me, the way they like, when there are spaces for them that don’t leave when I do.

So we all feel our new room is off to a great start.

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Of my present three cats, RJ is the one with the strongest prey drive. I know this even though he does not have access to the outdoors to show his mighty hunter skills. In play, he is the one who must complete the cycle by wrestling, and subduing, something.

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When we play with the laser pointer, he needs the stuffed dog to end the session. When we bring out the wand toy, he has to finish with his teeth clamped on the toy at the end, and won’t relinquish it until he is certain it has given up the ghost.

RJ is an example of how much genetic heritage contributes to this behavior. Observation of wild and feral cats have concluded that while kittens are born knowing how to pounce and chase, their mothers teach them how to kill and devour. Without this input and reinforcement, a cat is less likely to take their play all the way.

RJ had very little interaction in his early years, because he wouldn’t even play with toys when we first got him. Once we got his instincts activated, he showed such a strong drive that our play with him now needs the end game that simulates the killing phase.

Not all cats need this. My cat Myron would chase a sponge ball all day, but he would groom the family hamsters. Mr. Bond loves to ambush, but he concludes play by upending the toy, or losing interest. He has no need to complete the prey cycle.

Beta cats tend to have the strongest prey drive, indicating that these cats are probably the closest to the wild state. Domestication has expanded cats’ assertion and terraforming qualities, as in Alphas, or emphasized their sensitive and observational qualities, such as Gammas.

But any cat can display strong prey drives. Feral kittens, scrappy strays, or cats with access to the outdoors have the opportunity to develop the complete hunter package.

What this means to us as pet parents is that we must take care of our cats who have these strong drives, and usually we must make a special effort. Toys which start with our input, like wand toys or laser pointers, need to end with a final struggle that we supply. Something must be subdued before the cat feels completion.

All needs reach for satiation.

Cats who show signs of stress or frustration might be missing this final element. When our cats ask for food, we don’t just show them a can. When our cats ask for play, they might need the full cycle.

For all cats, the play’s the thing. Some cats are happy with Act One and Act Two, sighting and chasing the prey. But some of our cats need Act Three, the subduing and killing of their prey. They don’t know why they need it, they just do.

Cats who keep asking for play, cats who seem to seek out objects to destroy, and cats who wail or cry for no discernible reason might be needing the complete prey cycle. Our help can give them the relief they are asking for.

Cat wants and cat needs are usually the same thing.

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Keeping them predictable makes for a happy cat.

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Different cat types have different security needs. A curious Alpha will find a change will trip their curiosity switch, while a cautious Gamma will find a change will trip their uncertainty switch. Betas will find changes in their routines or people more upsetting than furniture rearrangement, which they will usually take in stride.

To understand a cat’s reaction to changes in the home, we must remember that cats are terraformers. Not only do they keep track of every path through their territory, and every behavior in it, they will also try to change the objects around them to suit them better.

With a Gamma, it’s examining a vacuumed pillow to know if it has changed in any important way. With an Alpha, it can be moving as many things as they can shove.

Cats, above all, want to know what to expect. In any given situation. Smooth running routines, spots that haven’t changed since they’ve last been visited, and our predictable responses to what they do is all part of the territory/security package.

While cats will often surprise us, and act in a way that show they understand the principle, they are a classic example of dishing it out, but not being able to take it. Any surprises must be telegraphed emotionally before they will experience it happily.

Getting a new treat or canned flavor can be announced when we walk in with the bags, and our excitement and pleasure will be reflected in their response. They may or may not know what it is, but they are willing to welcome it, based on our preparation.

We should use the same cuing techniques if we are repainting the living room or getting new furniture. Walk around the room in question and tell them, with sweeping gestures, what we plan to do. If they have favorite spots in this room, pat the spots and pantomime that we will be moving them, but only temporarily. Explain we don’t like the coming turmoil either, but it will be so nice when it’s done.

Then, when the painters or movers show up, our cat will be able to say to themselves, I knew something was up. But my person seems to have a handle on it.

During the process, commiserate that the couch is gone or that they can’t hang out in the room any more. Explain the new couch is much better, or that soon these annoying people will be gone, and we’ll all be happier.

If we are going to be working late for a while, or will be getting up early to get some fitness in for a change, talk about the change, and use a clock or calendar to explain how it will impact them. It doesn’t matter that cats don’t have a complete understanding of how clocks and calendars work. They know such things shape our lives; and if the clock or calendar is going to be influencing their lives, they appreciate a warning.

Cats in the home perform a delicate balancing act that will both fulfill their instinctual desires for territory control, and keep us happy when their views on where the vase wants to be does not meet with agreement. It is always a process of negotiation; and cats are quietly aware that this is our territory, and we have the final say.

This is why our respect for their wishes, and agreeing to their deepest needs, carries such power. The cat’s wild heart wishes to keep their territory all to themselves. It is their bright brain, and their love for us, that lets them share. While the cat does not have final say, they must have some say; or they will not feel secure.

Making a show of consulting them, warning them that changes are coming, and showing them their spots which have not changed may seem, to us, like exercises in pretending and in stating the obvious.

That is exactly what they are. But doing it communicates respect to the cat about something they feel as strongly about as we do.

That is what we are acknowledging. And that, despite any changes which occur, is what will keep our cat happy.

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If these don’t work, cats are like any human; they just keep doing them more and more.

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It can be hard to tell if cats are grooming, scratching, or running around too much, when these are things they like to do, anyway. Some warning signs:

The right response depends on the cat and their circumstances. When RJ starts going nuts, I just talk to him. He hasn’t yet mastered coming to us every time he wants something, so a little attention from us derails his anxiety, and we will then encourage him to let us know what is going on.

This can be a good first step. If we see the cat stressing, we can see if our voice and interest will shut off the response and let it be redirected into some play or petting. If this works, we know that the cat doesn’t know how to ask for attention, and we can come up with ways for them to let us know when they need care or cuddling.

If the cat’s routine has changed, it might not be working. Some things can’t be avoided; an illness in the family or extra work outside the home might not be negotiable. But if we’ve been ignoring the cat because we are busy, we now have another problem. We can take care of the cat’s stress, and our own, by making sure we have fun and friendly times. It’s good for both of us.

It might be that the cat is fixating on one of their coping strategies, to the neglect of the others. If they are grooming too much, see if we can interest them in one of their scratching posts. If they are scratching too much, see if we can help them burn it up in some rowdy play sessions. If they are pushing past exhaustion with frantic activity, try to defuse them with a quieting grooming session.

If these tips aren’t helping, we should get them a medical checkup; often, cat illnesses will manifest in just this way.

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So we must respect their stress level. There’s good stress and bad stress, and we don’t want bad stress.

They can build it up in their bodies, and get into frantic activity. They can build it up in their minds, and develop frantic misbehavior.

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From the cat’s point of view, as a delicately balanced nervous system combines with a cautious reaction time, they can get overwhelmed most easily when they are puzzled about our intentions. We need to always speak cheerfully to the cat. We can’t make sudden moves until they are used to them, and they never like teasing unless we make it clear beforehand: This is a joke, right?

In fact, a cat can be mis-trained to get overcharged through what should be pleasurable interactions with us, because a proper level of trust has not yet been built. But there are some clear signs of overcharging that can keep everyone safe.

We can always retrain the cat, but it’s also easier not to.

Creating an atmosphere where the cat is not sure about our good intentions can come about when we think we are “playing” with the cat. We can have a high energy play session, we can chase them and be chased, we can even wrestle with the cat. But we can’t ever let the cat feel overwhelmed; that leads to overcharging. Asking them to release a lot of energy in a way that makes them anxious will block the good release of that energy. Then we have a nervous cat.

People who protest that the cat “keeps coming back for more” as a way of justifying rough play are misinterpreting the cat’s signals. Some cats will back off from rough play, and then avoid the rough player. But some cats can’t bear to show that they can be intimidated, and will feel forced to match what they see as aggression. Then we have the clueless party pushing it to the point where the cat feels threatened; and the cat defends themselves.

Then it becomes the cat’s fault when a person gets scratched. Only… it’s not the cat’s fault.

One classic way to overcharge a cat is to play too rough. Males are the most inclined to misinterpret the cat’s expressions of dislike as signs they are enjoying it.

Cat doesn’t like it.

Cat crouches and lashes tail from side to side.
Cat opens mouth as though yawning.
Cat doesn’t back down.
Cat makes sounds.

Cat likes it.

Cat rolls over on back or side.
Cat opens mouth partway.
Cat relaxes to look away from us.
Cat purrs or sighs.

Even if our attentions do charge the cat, we want them to do it in a condition of good stress. They can get wound up and chase a wand toy or sponge ball, wrestle with their toy mouse, or otherwise discharge the stress in a way that gives them exercise.

As long as it’s good stress. It works the cat’s charging/discharging cycle to keep them happy and in good shape.

It works best when we are clear about our good intentions.

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Of course, our cats had kitty moms. They would nurse from their mother, and use their feet to knead momma’s belly to increase the flow of milk and produce bonding hormones that strengthen the kitten/mother bond. All of this is instinctual, but instincts are adaptable and can be expressed in situations which trigger them.

Most cats will, when relaxed and happy, knead our laps, expressing their comfort and trust in the way they first expressed it in their lives. Cats can learn to not use their claws during this process, by our wincing and saying “ow” when they get too enthused. Cats enjoy kneading, and will modify their behavior so we can enjoy it too.

If we have a cat who is starting to drift into the drooling, glazed eyes, stage, they will forget about their claws because they are so happy. I just stick a throw or other soft object under their front paws to protect me. They are “in the zone” at such times, and startling them out of it with a correction will backfire.

I just take it as a compliment. Which it is.

Nursing is a different story. Most cats will knead, but nursing behavior is a clue that this cat did not complete the weaning process with proper support. Often these are cats who were taken from their mother too soon, as so often happens when people want to give them away at a tiny, cute stage. The separation could have been even more traumatic. But what happens is the the weaning was abruptly ended, instead of being the gradual process that “shuts off” this instinct. Not every cat whose weaning was interrupted will display this reaction, but when a cat does it, it is often a behavior that is difficult to eradicate.

Creating a good home with plenty of mutual trust and reassurance can moderate a nursing cat’s impulses. If we get them when they are tiny, and they show this behavior, we can cuddle them, offer food and water, and moderate their reaction so they can grow out of it. Even if we get them as a grown cat, we can take these same steps to help the cat find new coping skills.

Because, while they have the same root, these two behaviors are being used differently. Kneading persists as an expression of affection. Nursing is a coping strategy the cat turns to when feeling stressed. Like all coping behaviors, we can guide and direct the cat to better ones by reducing their stress and coming up with behaviors that will work better in our home.

If the cat is soaking the corners of our throw pillows, we have to remember that it’s not just the corner that satisfies the cat. It’s the fact that this corner is attached to a yielding body that gives the cat the replay of their earliest needs. The famous Harlow monkey experiment demonstrates that what the cat is seeking is comfort, not just a nipple substitute.

Give the nursing cat the cuddling and love that was missing, and they will learn to seek us out, instead of their pillow. If they are doing this while we are away from home, they are saying they miss us. See if a pillow, purchased for them and covered with our scent by rubbing it on our hair and even sleeping with it for a few nights, can be a pillow they can turn to that is even better than the ones on our sofa, and we can place it in one of the cat’s special spots.

As our cat grows and matures, they will retire their nursing behavior. But kneading persists. It’s a way of expressing affection that humans enjoy, so it gets supported by our own behavior. There’s no downside to it, for us or the cat.

So when we have the cat in our lap, don’t just have the cat in our lap. Let’s gently stroke the cat, rub their ears and faces, and cuddle their chest and belly. Let’s say sweet things to them in a low, soft, loving voice. Our love makes the cat feel secure and protected. Kneading is the cat’s way of calling us “Momma.”

That’s what we are after. A very happy cat.

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Cat to cat threatening always includes hissing in their opponent’s face. This projects a blast of air at the cat they are trying to intimidate.

So when we blow on the cat, we are threatening them in cat language.

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Like all territorial creatures, cats have signals they send that are designed to persuade the other cat to simply go away, rather than fight. Fighting is bad for both of them.

These signals include arching their back, turning to display a side view, and puffing their fur, all to make themselves look bigger. They will also lay back their ears, expose their teeth, and hiss.

It’s the hiss that makes them so sensitive. This is a clear signal of unfriendly intent. To feel air in their face means, to them, they are not only being challenged, but the challenge is right in their face.

With people they trust, this is hurtful and troubling. That is why they leave. This will inhibit the car from developing face to face trust with us, which is the highest form of trust.

So if we want to be friends with the cat, we will never blow on the cat, at all. Especially not when we are close, face to face, at times when we are trying to show we are friends.

Friends don’t do things they know their friends don’t like.

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We’ve moved to a new house, and my other cats handled the move okay. But one cat is having issues. I’m paying special attention to him, but he still acts stressed out. What else can I do for him?

Dear Readers,

Cats are territorial creatures, and removing them from their territory is always a difficult task. Some cats cope better than others, quickly establishing new routines and enjoying the exploration of their new territory. Some cats have a tougher time. They are the ones who derive security from predictability and routine, and not having either can take its toll.

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We can, as my writer did, try soothing sprays like Feliway and do our best to set up their new dishes and litter as soon as we can. But there’s another option we can try. We can sympathize with their distress, share our own, and ask for their help.

Part of what makes cats happy in their homes is meshing with their territory, but also with their people. Talking to them, explaining to them, and asking them to do things we know will make them happy lets us make up for the lost home until they can have a total “safety net” built for them again.

By sympathizing, we let them know that we are having troubles, too. We can follow them into the kitchen and let them know that, yes, this kitchen is different, but look, there’s still food out. This is a new room for the litter box, but the litter box is the same. Go on to explain that your clothes are in a different closet and the couch is sitting in a new place. Yes, it’s tough when everything is new!

Shared troubles are always lighter. This is true for cats, too. There’s another psychological ploy we can use, which is that helping others lets us handle our own burdens better. So enlist the cat’s help in some task. It could be siting the food dishes just so, even if it’s an inch away from where they were. Follow them around and ask them where their new sleeping and hang out places should be.

Cats who eagerly establish themselves in new places are not dependent on our lead. But the stressed cat probably is. They want and need our involvement in settling into their new home, from knowing the new places to avoid to knowing the new places where they are welcome. When they first arrived in their old home, we took them on the “orientation tour,” teaching them what we expect and what makes us happy. They need us to start over and give them the tour for their new house.

For such cats, general concepts like “eat from the bowl, wherever it might be” is asking for too much independent thought when they are coping with so much insecurity. They love us and worry about making us unhappy, so they can be too cautious about jumping into a routine without us putting our seal of approval on it.

If we plan to let the cat outside in their new place, be sure to keep them in for at least three weeks, to reset their internal homing navigation. The outside world will be even more new, and even more confusing.

Our help in establishing a new schedule, and also reassuring them that is what we want them to do, will help the stressed cat relax and start to enjoy their new home.

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This will give them more confidence, and they will venture out more and more.

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The first step in a calmer space is to use signals the cat can understand even if they are under stress. Fleeing is the panic mode setting in, and the cat should not be thwarted in seeking hiding places, or dislodged from them if possible.

Rescue Remedy, (see below,) found in health food stores, is a safe, natural calmer that you can put in their water. A Feliway, (see below,) dispenser is like cat pheromones; undetectable to humans, but broadcasts calming messages to the cat. The cat has to calm down before they can think clearly enough to properly interpret our overtures. A perfectly sweet gesture can be misunderstood by a cat who fears the worst, and panicked cats always fear the worst.

We can quicken the process by making our presence reassuring. Before we leave for work, make a fuss about calling them, and leave treats or a toy somewhere, so they can find them and think nicely of us.

Go into rooms where we know they are hiding, and talk softly to them and about them. Get down on the floor when we do this, if possible, or sit in a chair. When they do see us, we will have a lower, less threatening profile. They want to study us, so make it easy for them.

Even if they aren’t there, make a few minutes of playtime. Rattle some toys around, talk about what fun we’d be having… if only they were here.

Be patient with every sighting. Enjoy every second more they accept our presence and find something to enjoy in it. As the process goes further, it will pick up speed.

Some scaredy cats find the wide open spaces of their new home a bit intimidating. Whether they have spent a long time in a shelter cage, or were trying to survive on the street by hiding, many scaredy cats are used to small spaces where at least they knew what was around them and could see it coming.

Help them reorient themselves by giving them their own spaces to hide in. Cat tunnels, a box with a blanket in it, or other spaces that we give to them can coax them out from under the bed. If we have a serious case, we can give then their own room, or even a dog crate, where they have quick access to their litter box, water, and food. This might be what they used to. Even though it is not the ideal we would like for them, we must be patient and let them grow into it. Litter box issues are solved if we give them such easy access, and not making them negotiate territory they are still not sure of.

When we are home, we can feed them special treats, which will help create a bond. This is not being cruel. This is helping the cat feel secure.

There’s one more thing you can do. All cats love to hear their origin stories. We can’t tell the stories without putting love in our voice. Make a bedtime ritual to where ever they are at bedtime, of telling how we got them, and how glad we are.

That might be the first thing they come out to hear.

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