Including the cats.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

When cats seem to be acting in contradictory ways, it is usually a problem with definitions. We humans regard “petting” as all the same, and can be puzzled by our cat’s different preferences.

However, cats regard “petting” as a situationally sensitive set of different behaviors. A cuddle on the bed while we are lying down is a completely different proposition than a rushed rub on the head on the way out the door.

I’m always being told “my cat doesn’t like petting.” It usually turns out to be that the human thinks belly grabs and bouncing the palm of the hand on the cat’s head is “petting.” It’s not.

Once I explain what the cat thinks “petting” is, and why they enjoy their own version so much more than the human-by-way-of-lab-puppy version, I usually hear back that “the cat is so much more affectionate now.” Indeed.

Many culture-sensitive practices come with the knowledge that while our facial expressions are universal, our hand gestures are not. The “thumbs up” signal is a happy sign of all going well in China and the United States; it’s an “up yours” signal in the Middle East, West Africa, and parts of South America.

Once we recognize that we might be sending the wrong signals, we can figure out why our cats aren’t acting the way we expected. When I hear that someone dragged a cat out from under a bed to “give them affection” I know I have to start from the very beginning with such a person. They are so focused on “what they mean” they aren’t giving a thought to “what it looks like” to the other being.

It never hurts to practice standing in someone else’s shoes. Even if there aren’t any shoes involved.

Explore more about the proper affection moves.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to understand our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on WHY CATS DO THAT.

Do we issue “press releases”?

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

In human society, it’s typical to issue a press release when we want to get the facts out. While our cats aren’t literate, they can “read” our verbal and body language quite well, simply by observing and deducing. That’s why our verbal and body language should, as much as possible, go together. This serves as an automatic translating device for our cats.

While we don’t have to actually craft a press release, it’s a useful concept to apply to our cat communication. If there are going to be interruptions in their routine, such as houseguests or a long-term car repair or a new couch, let’s prepare them for it.

Cats hate surprises.

If a part of their routine or the home is going to be disrupted, announcing this change, miming how it will happen, and sharing our concerns with our cats will help everyone make it through.

Issue an alert. Cats will alert their community to interesting events. So should we.

If we are taking down their cat tree for replacement, we need all the help we can get; the inevitable first part is undeniably taking away one of their things and we must call on their trust to get through it without hurt feelings.

Showing a new, arm-waving, interest in the tree; rapping it with our knuckles and shaking our head sorrowfully; and drawing pictures of the new tree in the air around it are all ways to let our cats know something will happen… and when it does, they will mutter to themselves, I knew something was up! This will help get them over their misgivings.

Enlist a service. If we have a Spokescat for this area, or a general Supervisor, this is when we will call upon their special powers.

If we are doing something in this cat’s area of interest, they will appear spontaneously. If they need to be summoned, call their name and continue discussing the situation; even if they don’t show up. They are listening, and may come by later to puzzle over our behavior. What we have done is “plant the idea.”

Further updates will follow as the situation develops.

Consider their curiosity. In my post, Helping Cats Anticipate, I explain how best to introduce a new, perhaps dangerous or fragile, object into our house and then properly manage our cat’s behavior towards it. When the change occurs, be it animal, vegetable, or mineral, our cats will want cues to help them understand whatever it is.

By announcing a change to our cats, even an abstract one, we show ourselves to be the confident and powerful friend who does care about them, and is sensitive to their needs and wishes. By shaping the response, we have a powerful training tool that gets us to satisfied cats, and safe objects, in the fastest possible way.

Change is difficult enough. We need all the cooperation we can get.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more to raising and training a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CAT TRAINING TIPS.

To understand why, we need to understand what our own “rules of politeness” really mean. It’s all about dealing with people’s differences. After all, when we are dealing with people just like us, we know what we like, and we know what to do.

But if we are meeting royalty (which is where the word came from) we would probably need some guidelines.

Likewise, we were not born in the cat’s world. We could use a few pointers on how our behavior comes across.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

We don’t need an Emily-Post-sized book on cat etiquette. We need only a few central guidelines.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. This is first and foremost. We often don’t realize what we think of as “friendly overtures” might be coming across entirely the opposite to our cat.

We’re ready to leave for the day, and want them to know we are going to miss them. So we pull them off the comfy spot where they were napping and carry them around with us while we grab our stuff and put the lid on the coffee and leave them by the front door. While the cat appreciates the hugging and sweet words, we’ve just performed the equivalent of dragging a favorite human out of bed, lugging them around while kissing them, and then leaving them in the hallway.

What might our favorite human think of this move?

If we had sought our napping cat out, to pet them and tell them we’ll miss them, without moving them (the Petting in Place,) we will be conveying our love; without mixing our message.

Underplaying. Because cats have such powerful senses, they have to deal with a constant flow of input that can become overwhelming. We shouldn’t add to this burden.

To love cats, we can also come to love subtlety.

I look over my shoulder; and James Bond, in the chair behind me, has snuggled into the corner closest to me. When I came into the room, he was at the opposite corner. He moved to show he loves me. But did I notice?

I did! It is now very easy for me to reach out a hand and give him some petting along his spine, the way he likes, while he’s still snuggled on the chair as close to me as he can be. This is how cats can speak volumes with their Presence.

Here’s how we can recognize, and return, these gestures.

Equality. We don’t have to memorize a catalog of “cat moves” to understand when our cat is signaling us, and what we should do in return. We can get a lot of help by internalizing one simple concept: our cat’s wants are as deserving as our own. We cannot signal love to our cat without keeping this principle in mind.

We want to hug them; they want to continue relaxing in the pose they have chosen. So we do both. Because this is the only move that makes us both happy.

By “stepping into my cat’s paws” I imagined what it must be like to live with a giant. A huge inexplicable creature who feeds me and hugs me but can also yank me away from whatever I’m doing and dump me somewhere else, without warning or consideration. As an independent human, I would find that annoying. I would want to be considered a friend; not a plaything.

When I treat my cats the way I would like to be treated by “my giant” my cats respond with great happiness.

Since it works; I keep doing it that way.

For specifics on how our human behavior can wind up confusing our cats, see Why do cats love “cat haters”?

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to understand our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on WHY CATS DO THAT.

Why does my cat sigh when we are cuddled up and enjoying each other’s company? I’ve had her since she was a kitten and I don’t think she was ever abused. But I worry that she’s remembering something bad.

Dear Readers,

Cats only sigh when they are happy. Unlike us.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

While humans use sighing to signal depression, boredom, or resignation, we and our cat only intersect on the use of sighing for contentment. This is a signal of great relaxation, and it’s a compliment to receive one from our cat.

It is interesting how, no matter the underlying emotional state, a human using a sigh will be signaling some form of acceptance with their lot. But when a cat is suffering from depression, they will do nothing; this is also how they signal resignation.

Cats have less ability to project hopeful future scenarios; unlike us, they have difficulty looking past the present difficulty to a better future.

When we take our cat to the vet, part of the panic which ensues is the cat’s difficulty understanding that such a challenging event will end with them back at home, hopefully none the worse for wear. Cats live in, and react to, the Now.

A cat who is bored, or who still has some hope of getting good feedback towards their present, unhappy, state, will be stimulated into activity. Activity at the vet’s is aimed at leaving this present and finding a less onerous one.

Cats who “calm down” are usually not signaling any acceptance of the situation. They have become depressed and have shut down.

With the proper support, our cats can have glimpses of understanding certain procedures. In our house, ear cleaning is submitted to with the understanding that it will end, and there’s a treat in it for them. Likewise, grooming the back end of the cat, which is annoying, is suffered through because it leads to grooming the front end of the cat, which is delightful.

But these take place in the cat’s own home, with people they trust, and outcomes they know.

Once we recognize the cat’s response to stress, boredom, and threat, we come to understand how their sighing works. For cats, remembering a bad event has immediacy which triggers similar reactions for them in the Now.

So when they sigh, they are happy. Right now.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to understand our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on WHY CATS DO THAT.

Yes, they do.

They know who it is; but they don’t understand where we are.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Happy Kitten lolz!

When I’m away, I call home and let the cats hear my voice. Cats who are new to this phenomenon will look around the place to see where I’m hiding. Cats who understand the meaning of my phone voice will curl up on my chair to “miss me.”

Cats’ incredible hearing combines with human technology to create a wonderful tool of reassurance; if we use it that way.

Get our cats used to our voice. We can’t use the telephone to connect with our cats if we do not have a link with our voice already. If our cats already see our voice as a sign of closeness and information, they can make the leap to hearing our voice in isolation.

Talking to our cats is a great way to “pet with our voice.” We can have our cats rolling around on the floor with delight just by saying sweet nonsense to them.

Show our cats the phone is “different.” We should make it a game so cats feel good about playing it. Leave a friend’s cell phone in one room and call it from another. See if our cats will play Hide and Seek with us.

This lets our cats know our voice does not have to be connected with our physical body.

Use it while we are away. If we have an answering machine at home, call them while we are out. Or use an accomplice at home who can report back on their reactions.

If we get them used to how the phone works, it doesn’t matter if we are around the corner, or halfway around the world.

We can still let our cats know we haven’t forgotten about them.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to understand our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on WHY CATS DO THAT.

Rather insistently.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

While this is highly distracting and downright rude in human terms, cats are not using human terms. In catspeak, they are saying, I value your friendship so highly I am allowing you this special closeness that tells you all about me.

As always, there are good ways, and bad ways, to handle this delicate interpersonal conundrum. Here’s what we need to keep in mind:

This is a communication. This is the cat’s version of “Be my friend” on Facebook. To a cat, this is an incredible source of information on any cat’s status; hormonally, territorially, age and condition. To a cat, this isn’t “stinky” except in a good way. It is an expressive catalog of themselves.

A cat has all sorts of glands and uses for this area. When we met someone new we swap business cards or beam each other contacts on our Smartphones or handhelds. This action works the same way for cats.

This is a compliment. I know it doesn’t seem that way. As humans, we have spent a lot of civilization effort towards sanitizing our environment; then saturating it with fake nature smells.

Yet we have the same capacity of being moved with smells; Grandma’s pie, Mom’s pot roast, our special someone’s cologne or perfume, the scent of an evergreen forest after a spring rain. They go right to our emotional center.

A cat’s sense of smell is many times better than our own. That’s how they can use it both for closeness, and for information processing.

This is an invitation. A cat’s instincts are what prompts them to present this area to our face; they are reacting the same way as they would if they felt a surge of happy feelings towards another cat.

On another level, they do know we are not cats. So they are not expecting us to reciprocate in the same way. Unlike dogs, cats are not “crotch sniffers” with humans because we use other ways to communicate this vital information to our cat. Our cats can accept this information.

However, our cat does not have as many ways as we do to express their willingness to share this information. So they fall back on their instincts.

What I do is cup my hand on the cat’s hip, and use that to guide the other hip against a part of me. This is sending good vibes back in a way we both enjoy.

This is not as bad as it could be. Cats are very clean animals, including this area. While we don’t have to get up close and personal, we don’t have to flee from it as though it were a maniac with an axe, either.

So, when we literally “look at it the way cats do,” we know it means that our cat loves us and trusts us, and that’s why they do it.

It really helps to know that.

Take advantage of our cats’ fascination with their sense of smell in a delightful way; get them some Way of Cats herbal cat toys.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to understand our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on WHY CATS DO THAT.

I know when any of our crew is unhappy; but the ways they show it will vary among different cats.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

What are some of the different ways cats communicate distress?

Complaining to management. If we have a verbal cat, they will march right up, stare into our eyes, and complain. This is James Bond’s preferred method. I have always responded to his requests, and James is all about the efficiency.

If we consistently follow up on our cat’s verbal requests by displaying our willingness to follow them around and figure out what they want, this quick and reliable process can be the one our cat prefers to use. But there are many times when our cat won’t do this.

It’s often an assertion issue; not every cat is comfortable enough to climb right into our lap, bonk our chin with their head, and make demands.

Yelling for help. When James’ advancing age made him prone to confusion, he would start wailing. Not knowing what to do about his distress was the problem itself. He was not in a mental place to figure out how to get help some other way.

If we have a cat who does this, they can either be uncomfortable with the direct approach; or in such distress that they don’t have subtle methods at the moment. Of course, we should track them down and offer help.

Catching our eye. If our cat wants something, they often will “accidentally” cross our path, or bump into what we are reading, or balance on our chair arm. This is an aspect of cat etiquette; politeness can make humans less than direct, and our cats can be the same way.

It might be that all they want is some opening to feel loved, or get some closeness overture, and they can happily go about other business. Or they want to see if we will invite them to our lap, or do a mind meld. But sometimes they will take our interest as encouragement to share some thoughts they might have.

It can be exasperating to settle in a chair and have our cat pick that time to get us up again. But once again, this could be cat politeness; to their eyes, we aren’t actually doing anything right now.

Hanging around. Some cats will hang around the food bowl, or the window, or the door, and try to engage our attention so they can do their circling thing and start a dialogue. This is Cat Efficiency at work; they are already at the spot they want to talk about.

But this cleverness will go for naught if we are not near the spot. So if we periodically seek the cat out, we find this pays many benefits. We display our concern and willingness to care for them, and we give them an opportunity to let us know what is needed.

Bad behavior. Cats, like children, find “bad attention” better than none at all. What else works so quickly and reliably?

Reverend Jim used this tactic as a kitten when he wanted something and didn’t know how else to get our attention. Now that he’s grown in size and understanding, we’ve encouraged him to “speak up” by leaping to our feet whenever he talks to us. So he’s prowling the tops of the bookcases, less.

Often, bad behavior isn’t the cat being “bad.” It’s the cat desperate to have their cries for help, heard.

Encouraging our cat to open up lines of communication, and acting briskly and eagerly when they use them, means a happier, less stressed household.

For everyone.

If our cat is stubborn, they are telling us something. See Cats who need convincing.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.

It doesn’t matter that Tristan could do that at the age of five months. What matters is that RJ keeps improving his communication.

Because I make “communication training” an essential part of all my cat training.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

RJ got this far because I never stop teaching. Tristan has gone beyond where he was at five months because I never stop teaching. This is a skill we and our cat must acquire, and build upon, for our relationship to make any headway at all.

If we do not talk to our cat, and act out important elements to enhance their understanding, we are doomed to be at cross purposes. Every day.

What is the cat bugging me for? We can have a tendency to think the only thing our cat asks us for is food; and that is only because they can’t open cans themselves. So whenever the cat asks for something, we check their bowl or open a can; then get exasperated with our cat because we can’t “shut them off.”

But our cat might want something else; and we’ll never know, because we are trapped in our wrong assumptions.

For ways to tell it’s not about the food, see The Begging.

Why won’t the cat leave that alone? We actually teach the cat to misbehave; when that is the only time we pay attention to them. They know touching that thing or getting on this thing will reliably get our focus on them. Which is their only chance to try and get what they need.

With this situation, there’s no way for either of us to win. Our cat will keep misbehaving; we’ll keep yelling at them to get down instead of figuring out what they are trying to say.

For ways to retrain our cat’s attention-seeking strategies, see When Cats Annoy.

Why doesn’t the cat want to be petted? We keep offering food, we try to keep our temper when they keep climbing the bookcase in front of us, and now we’d like a little affection. But the cat just runs off and hides. We give up!

The last things the cat remembers us doing is acting all huffy because their bowl wasn’t empty and chasing them away from the bookcase. Whatever we are hunting them down for now; they don’t think they will like it. Cats have to feel relaxed about our presence… before they can enjoy our presence.

For ways to get our cat to enjoy petting, see Cat Affection Move: the Hug and Replace.

Misunderstandings are funny; onstage, in classic farce. In real life, constantly getting our signals crossed means hurt feelings on both sides. It’s completely avoidable.

If we simply talk to each other.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more to raising and training a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CAT TRAINING TIPS.

We live in the third floor attic apartment of a century-old house, with quite the carpeted staircase. Tristan adores our second floor neighbor, Bob. He loves greeting our friends on the landing of the staircase. He’s seven months old and incurably curious. All of these factors result in him sneaking out the door at the speed of light whenever he can manage it.

Which is pretty often; we can’t possibly match the reflexes of a mostly-Alpha kitten driven by social love. Fortunately, there are airlocks front and back to keep the cold out, and he has no interest in escaping outdoors; he just likes to play on the staircase. He’s also learned to jangle our door’s Temple Bells to get back in. So it’s really not a problem; though I do need a way of getting him back inside without getting lured down the stairs.

I use my most potent Drama Weapon: the William Shatner.

I lured Tristan back upstairs by pretending there was something extraordinarily fascinating in the nearby bathroom. I opened my eyes as wide as possible, I put my hand upon my heart, I dropped my jaw in a parody of surprise.

It worked. He got lured back into the apartment, and I closed the door behind him.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

Why are cats so vulnerable to drama? Because they are creatures driven by body language. All cats communicate with each other with body language.

So should we.

The best thing we can do for our cat communication is to unleash our Inner Ham. The more exaggerated our body language, the easier it is for our cat to recognize, and understand. Because a cat’s eyes are so exquisitely tuned to movement, we communicate best when we communicate most.

Not only does this convey our wishes and moods to our cats, it does so in a way they enjoy. When our cat wishes to tell us something, they can talk, but they all move. They twirl, they flop, they wave their tails and rotate their ears. A cat communicating is perpetual motion, and they get great pleasure in hearing their native language spoken by us.

We can use Training With Drama to convey to a cat that terrible things will happen if they keep messing with those wires. We can tell them we’re sorry the store was out of their favorite flavor. We can show them we missed them all day at work, and we’re happy to be home.

We can tell a cat almost anything, if we Show and Tell. Increase their understanding, and increase their vocabulary. It’s like giving our cat subtitles to the foreign language movie. Sure, without subtitles we can kind of figure out what is going on, but for full appreciation of all the nuances, we need some kind of translator.

Drama does that for us.

What did Tristan do when he looked in the bathroom and found nothing interesting? He assumed he had missed whatever it was.

Maybe he’ll be quicker, next time.

For more about using this concept, see all my posts on Training with Drama.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more to raising and training a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CAT TRAINING TIPS.

Chances are, we have been interpreting their reactions in the wrong way.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

It seems reflexive for us to ask, “Do you smell other cats?” The answer is, “Of course!” Our cats have much better noses for scents than we do; they are picking up all kinds of signals. But they are going to zero in on other cats, first.

It is typical for us to wonder if makes our cats “jealous,” though our cats are not that interested in cat rivals for our affection. Not when they are, as yet, only smells on our shoes. But they also cannot help considering them as signs of possible territorial intrusion.

Most of the time, these incidents go no further. But there are times when these signals can, unknowingly, create problems for us. And our cats. If our cat hisses or backs away from the other cats’ scents, we need to be aware this could be signaling us about one of the following problems:

Insecurity. If we have cats who are timid or lack confidence, the scent of a cat they do not know can create anxiety.

Hormones. If we have a cat who is dealing with hormones, we have a cat who is vulnerable to their instincts telling them they have to keep other cats out of their territory. So if we have a stray or kitten who is scheduled for altering, it’s best to not let them smell other cats at all.

Stressor. If our cats have been having a hard time about some other issue, suddenly smelling another cat can make them think this other cat is the source of their stress. They cannot find, or confront, this other cat. Without having a resolution for this dilemma, they can act out by getting more anxious, or harass the other cats.

Repetition. If they smell a cat, and no cat appears, that’s one thing. But if we are cat sitting or volunteering at a shelter, that’s another. If our cats show distress over these mysterious smells, we will want to avoid creating more anxiety.

If we worry about, or have reason to believe, our cats will not react well to the scent of other cats, we should make a point of leaving our shoes or jacket outside of the main house, such as a porch or garage. Speak soothingly to our cat once we have changed into fresh clothes. See if we can get them to approach us for cuddling, or, if not, chat in loving tones about how they have nothing to worry about.

If our cats are merely curious, and there is no reason for them to connect one thing with another, such things quickly fade into the past for them. But if there is some reason it does not, we can head off trouble.

By being aware of its possibility.

Find out more about what really does make cats jealous.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to understand our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on WHY CATS DO THAT.