The Way of Cats

How do we pet our cats with respect? One great way is to surprise them with The Standby. This Move of Mutual Respect works for any cat who will let us touch them.

We approach the cat while they are standing around, and they might expect us to pick them up, or try to. But we do not. (That’s the surprise part.) Fooled ya! Thought I was going to pick you up! Instead, we Pet In Place, by making the effort to connect with them as equals.

Here we see RJ being petted while all four feet are on the floor. Usually, the cat is standing upright, but RJ often melts when we touch him. I got this just before he rolled over onto his back.

It’s up to the cat how they react to The Standby. Some, like RJ, will roll around and all but beg us to be picked up anyway. Some will wind around our legs and rub their faces on us. Some will look up at us and enjoy this mutual hug that implies equality, because they are standing upright.

That is the beauty of this move. We are standing, or sitting, or kneeling, it doesn’t matter. But the cat stays in their position, being embraced and admired while they are also not being babied or swept off their feet.

It’s not that most cats mind those things. However, they also appreciate this option; being given their independence and autonomy while they are being petted. To understand why that is so, we need to put ourselves in the cat’s place for a moment.

If we remember that far back, we were once in that position. Our parents or grandparents once were much bigger and taller than we were. Most of the time, it was great to be swept into their arms. But we also appreciated the times they would drop down to a knee, or put us on their lap, and speak to us without the dizzying, disorienting feeling of having our feet off the ground.

Also, cats are extremely flexible. They have 30 vertebrae, compared to a human’s 26. Their spine is designed for leeway, since it does not have to support a human’s upright posture. Part of a cat’s predatory advantage is the way they can twist and turn. But they like to do this on their own.

When a human picks them up, they should be supported at all points, so they won’t fear twisting the wrong way and hurting themselves. But we can be even more affectionate when we don’t pick them up at all. We avoid any hint that we are more powerful and bigger, even though we are.

Emphasizing our weight and height advantage is something we must use with care. Asserting it is not a form of affection.

When we pet with The Standby, we are doing something the cat likes, the way they like it. We can pet any part of them, we can hold their torso and sway it back and forth, we can rub their ears and stroke their tails. But we let them stay where they are, uninterrupted from what they were planning to do.

We can enjoy them on their terms. Not ours.

That’s a great way to show respect.

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Do cats think we are big cats? Or do they think of themselves as small humans?

However they think, there must be considerable overlap. Cats admire our seeming ability to materialize what they need when they need it. That’s why, when we come home without the favorite flavor or run out of treats, they take it so personally. We are In Charge of Everything. So if we have gotten new bowls for them or had to get a different litter, show them the new objects, explain what they are for, and ask them to let us know what they think. Don’t worry, they will.

There’s some evidence that cats model their behavior after us. My cats enjoy getting their daily water from a big coffee house mug placed under a chair in the living room. They were so insistent on drinking out of our mugs we had to get them their own. From running the can opener to sleeping under the covers, cats like to check out what we do in case it works for them.

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It’s a terrible waste when we don’t make our cats an integral part of the household. An ignored cat ignores us, and that’s no way to live. So talk to the cat, consult them about their needs, and discuss ours. This will encourage vocal cats to talk, quiet cats to make their wishes known, and gives any cat a sense of importance and purpose.

This is how we make our cat interactive. They can communicate their needs (I wouldn’t be playing hockey with the food bowl if it was full,) initiate actions (if we really want them to stop playing with the telephone cord, we’ll get up,) and perform tricks (I got the treat cabinet open very quietly.)

Involved cats extend their polite interest to our own activities, whether they are encouraged to do so or not. Be prepared to have something for them to play with or a spot for them to observe from. Many cats aren’t lap cats, but will perch on the arm of the chair or even over the back of it, if that lets them get the closeness they crave. Accommodating their wishes to be near us lets us get their affection and keeps them out of trouble.

If we find ourselves missing the cat, act on it. Seek out where they might be sleeping or observing, and tell them we were thinking of them. It never hurts to surprise the cat in this pleasant way. Likewise, when they show up unexpectedly, be visibly pleased to see them, and pay some attention, even if all we have time for is saying their name.

This give and take of cat engagement is one of the delights of cat companionship. Keeping them interested is more than a matter of having toys. We are their biggest and best toy. We are also, with a fully engaged and mature cat, their responsibility.

They will monitor our emotions and care about our well-being. People sometimes complain the cat seems to bother them most when they are stressed or down or not in the mood. But what the cat is doing is sensing our need, and, in their own way, they are trying to help us.

They are extending the paw of love and compassion.

That’s the kind of cat we want to have. Don’t mess it up.

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.

Most people worry their cat will not accept the new person. And at first, the cat might seem indifferent. But if the new person makes good cat overtures, we can find something unexpected happening.

The cat might seem to like the new person, better.

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We feel miffed. What the heck is this? We’ve been scooping the litter box and cuddling them since they were no bigger than a muffin, and this is the thanks we get?

Relax. It’s a “cat crush.”

It’s a thrilling thing for a cat to find a new friend. They don’t have the chance to do this so often. Between the cat’s slow warmup, and the relative scarcity of new people coming around a lot, once a cat does find a new friend, they revel in it.

It’s a great thing for them to have someone new who will pay attention to them, pet them, and make a fuss over them. After all, don’t we like it?

The best move for us is to make it a threesome. Enjoy how friendly and sweet our cat is! We have done a wonderful job. Agree with the cat that New Person is great! We think so, too.

With the right attitude, we will find that the cat is willing to share their New Person with us. Don’t let jealousy or disappointment spoil this lovely new relationship. Continue to show affection, play, and care for the cat, the same way we always have.

Otherwise, the cat will feel abandoned, and cling all the more closely to the New Person. This will create a bad spiral where there is less love, all around.

As with all new relationships, the heady newness will wear off, and the cat will settle into their own relationship with the New Person, one that can develop into a long lasting, comfortable, and wonderful closeness.

That’s what we want for ourselves, too.

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.

I see that people are searching for these two, sad, keywords. So I’ll answer.

In a word, yes.

Cats mind being neglected.

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Too many people take low maintenance in the wrong spirit. There is no license to neglect the cat.

It’s not only their reputation cats have running against them. It’s a person’s own experience. Compared to dogs, as they often are, cats are less demanding of our attention on a continuing basis. Kittens play by themselves more easily and more often. A puppy needs to have us play too, and will not be happy unless they get a lot of interaction with us. Kittens welcome interaction with us. But they don’t always require it.

Dogs have to have their bodily needs met with access to the outside and intensive training to get them reliably trained. If we don’t have a fenced yard, we have to walk them. Cats take care of their own needs with a good litter box setup, without our immediate attentions.

Cats can regulate their food intake and have a bowl left out so they can help themselves. They do not need us to organize their play or wipe their feet or give them commands. They don’t need us… for that.

They do need us to be there.

Cats can adapt to most schedules, but they need a schedule. Knowing what is supposed to happen, and have that happen, makes a cat feel secure and relaxed.

But this is only the beginning. There are many reasons people get a cat for a pet. The cuteness of kittens, the pull of stepping in so a cat will have a home, the fact, as I hear so often, that their circumstances does not allow them to have a dog.

But a cat is not a toy, a burden, or a substitute. A cat is a living, thinking being. Eager for loving interaction with other living, thinking beings. That’s the impetus behind a pet; any pet. Wanting something we can take care of that will offer interesting companionship.

This is what cats are made for.

The problem is that people often don’t know just what cats are capable of. The myth is that cats are solitary creatures, expecting care as their due, asking for little, and giving less.

If that is what we want from a pet, we should just get the goldfish.

If we aren’t getting what we want from our present cat, we might be partly to blame. If what we want is affection and interaction, someone who misses us when we go and is glad to see us when we come back, a cat can do all that, and more.

We just have to ask for it. And give it in return.

If we aren’t getting what we want from one cat, we should get… more cats.

We are already opening cans and cleaning cat litter. Another cat adds only fractionally in maintenance time; it does not double it. More cats works well to make the cats happy. More cats offer opportunities to make us happy.

The only thing about cats most people don’t understand, to their mutual detriment, is that cats can be just as close, sweet, and caring as any other pet. But, unlike dogs, it doesn’t appear automatically.

It only comes from us realizing it’s possible. Then acting on that thought.

Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.