Lack of support is the real pivot between a cat getting on with their life… or not. Obviously, an upsetting incident where the cat winds up on the street or in a shelter will linger, longer, than an equally upsetting incident where the cat can return to a good home.

But no matter what happened, or when, we can get our cat to trust again.

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Unfortunately, our efforts to “make friends” with this kind of cat can be the very thing that is keeping them suspicious. Check to see if we are making these kinds of mistakes:

Asking the cat to conform to our timetable. We can get impatient with this kind of cat; haven’t they observed us long enough to know we are trustworthy?

In a word, no. Obviously, it hasn’t been enough time, or the cat would think so too.

If they don’t have a lot of experience trusting people, they don’t know how much time is enough. So instead of trying to push them into things, speed up their timetable naturally by doing nice things more often, or more slowly, or more verbally.

Cats who haven’t gotten enough input yet need more input. So, give them some.

Asking the cat to accept our criteria. We keep the food and water coming. Isn’t that nice? Won’t the cat think nice things about us?

We have to remember that this cat would have gotten food and water in the past, or they wouldn’t be here at all. If the mere presence of such care is not thrilling the cat, maybe we need to show that providing it to them, thrills us.

RJ had spend weeks in the shelter by the time he got to us, being fed and having his litter cleaned. But the experience of having a whole room, apparently devoted to his bowl of food and his big roomy litterbox, was so exciting he raced around like a happy maniac. We made big fusses about giving these things to him; and he made a big fuss back.

Asking the cat to miss us before they have a reason to. Often, people mistakenly think showing the cat that they are hurting our feelings will reach the cat’s heart. This works great; once we have the relationship.

Before that, all the cat knows is that we throw tantrums unpredictably. Then the cat thinks, Better stay away.

How we show that our feelings are hurt is crucial to the cat understanding it. Big noisy displays of ill temper just make us look deranged; cat feelings are expressed with subtlety, and that is what they are looking for.

Droopy body language, sad tones in our voice, and quiet, slow movements convey sadness to our cat; and if they make any kind of recognition or acknowledgment, a swift transition to happy, soft, tones, and an expression of alertness will convey our interest to such a cat without frightening them.

From across the room, I can provoke James Bond to come and sit in my lap with only facial expressions. I stare at him with sadness, (pouting helps us form our face properly.) Then, if he notices, I brighten up with wide open eyes and a goofy, half-open mouth. Then I relax my face and send him the slow blinks of I love you.

I’m saying the right things.

This is how he hears the right things.

For cats who have become fear-aggressive, see Curing the Aggressive Cat.

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No matter what I do, my cat just stares at me. Why does my cat show no emotion?

Dear Reader,

The less a cat trusts their environment, the less they will give away.

Facial expression, body language, their next action; all will become hidden when a cat feels threatened.

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We might wonder why our cat feels threatened. This makes no sense to us. There’s food in their bowl, the litter isn’t in terrible shape, and there aren’t any attacking dinosaurs. What does this cat want from us?

Obviously, they want more than they are getting now.

Once upon a time, children in orphanages were fed and clothed in large warehouses and given very little attention; and died in droves. It turned out that having one’s physical needs met is not enough to sustain life. Humans need emotional care, too.

Cats are different, of course; they mature much faster, and are able to be out on their own in a few short months. Unlike human infants, they don’t expire when they go without strong emotional ties. But they aren’t going to relax and have a good time, either.

Cats do have a suspicious nature. This is how a solitary creature who is so intelligent and curious stays alive in the wild. Yet they also have an amazing ability to pivot easily into social structures; when they have the proper support.

A cat who drops their guard is a cat who is taking on risk to get something they value. Toys and breakfast have added instinct incentives that will pull in a cat who is not completely comfortable.

Gaining our friendship is not something driven by instinct; it is driven by emotion. This is a drive that is both greater, and more fragile. Cats do not have instincts which help them overcome their caution in friendship situations; it is entirely a function of how much trust the cat feels.

When we take our cats for granted, when we don’t make overtures of friendship, when we expect them to respond as nakedly and needfully as dogs do; we are sending our cats clear signals that we don’t respect their feelings.

So they are not going to show them to us.

For more about cat faces, see Cat Advantage: Expression Reading.

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Yet this same principle can be a valuable and positive one when applied to our relationships, especially if we have many elements competing for our attention in the home. There’s nothing a cat likes better than moments I call Only Us.

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After my little trip, James Bond greeted me for a nanosecond, and then ran into the living room, where he sat with his back to me. This common cat communication conveys hurt feelings, and it’s my job (as the one who went away and hurt the feelings) to make it up to him.

So I talked about how much I’d missed him and scooped him up and held him in my arms, not moving, for almost three minutes. Which is a long time. I didn’t let him down until he started wriggling that he was happy again.

Here’s how to make time alone its closest:

Whisper in their ear. When we are close to our cat like this, we shouldn’t speak in a normal tone. We should use our softest voice. Cats have sensitive hearing, and even humans don’t like speaking voices; in their ear.

Don’t walk around. Walking around, carrying our cat, sends an entirely different signal, and one that cats can find anxiety-producing. We can sway a bit, but staying in place means we are here for our cat.

Be alert to signals. Our cat will ask to get down by squirming or extending their paws. If they move towards us, they are simply shifting their position and are not done yet. But if it’s clear they are reassured and happy again, and ready to be put back on the floor or chair, not letting them down will undercut the friendship we just extended.

We can also sit in a chair or sprawl on a bed together, but the important thing is to focus totally on our cat. Making them the only thing in our world, just for a few minutes, is a powerful affection move.

We are telling them we will stop our world for them.

They get that.

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Cat Poker. The game where everyone wins!

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It doesn’t matter who starts the game. It’s simply that someone has to. One makes an affectionate move. The other returns it.

But this keeps the game at the same level. To play Cat Poker, someone has to see it… and raise it.

When we respond to a cat’s friendship gesture with one of our own, this is the Law of Reciprocity. Many people, new to cats, are puzzled by this law. They seem to think the pet equation is something like this:

But there really isn’t any pet equation that actually works that way.

Cold-blooded pets, like fish or snakes or sea monkeys, don’t do much in the way of affection. Their equation is simple; we feed and shelter them, or they aren’t around any more.

We had an adorable parakeet who loved music (BB King, Mozart, and Tito Puente.) While Dear Husband and I were dating, he would rest for hours in the curve of my neck. He liked the food, (bananas and Life cereal, especially,) and when I moved in with cats, he sure needed the shelter. (Our neck time moved to the computer room.)

But he didn’t like us because of gratitude. He liked us because he was capable of love and we had shared interests. He had previously belonged to someone else who fed and cared for him… but they never bonded. With us, he found his flock.

What about our dogs? Don’t they love us? Of course they do. But it’s not gratitude. It’s sadly true that even without food and shelter, dogs will remain attached because of their personality structure. Of course, with good treatment, dogs love us more.

But that’s because we made them happy. Grateful doesn’t enter into it.

With cats, there is no drive to remain attached, or seek a group identity. A poorly treated cat who is able to find better treatment elsewhere will go there, and not come back.

This is how I got some of my own cats. Some of them loved group living, and some did not. But they were looking for love, and if I couldn’t provide it in my house, I found someone who could.

They already had food and shelter elsewhere. If that was all there was to it, why would some owners, once tracked down, shrug and tell me to keep the cat, because “it never seemed to like me.” There was care, but there was also something missing.

Cat Poker is an extraordinary game because it keeps getting better.

The more I love my cats, the more they love me. The more they love me, the more they come up with ways of playing with me, interacting with me, and communicating with me. Every time they do something to show off their trust, such as hiding their face in my hand, tucking their head under my chin, or demanding that they sleep with me on their special spot on the bed; the challenge is on for me to come up with some way to make them as happy as they make me.

So we seek out new toys and new ways of playing with them. We create rituals around their food, and try to get them their favorite flavors. Most of all, we pay attention to them, ask about their day, and lavish our human version of trust and affection on them.

I’m sure some people find this strange. They think that we’re here, and the cat is there, and that should be enough for everybody.

I don’t know how the attitude appeared that this was enough to comprise a relationship. I mean, it is.

But wouldn’t we all rather have a good relationship?

See all my posts on Cat Poker.

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This has all been Mr. Bond’s idea. I’ve always encouraged him to love Dear Husband, by sending positive verbal and physical messages when Mr. Bond acts affectionately towards Dear Husband. I praise him when he says hello to guests.

But Mr. Bond won’t show much. I think it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Because when I’m not around… Mr. Bond turns into a social butterfly.

Unless I come into the room again.

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I find it funny and endearing; I don’t think of it as Mr. Bond trying to fool me. As a natural “one person cat” Mr. Bond needs me to know I’m still his special person. So I can turn around and do the same for him.

One of the things about cats that their fans remark upon is their sensitivity to our moods. When we are happy, they are happy. When we are sad, they will hang around, just hoping their presence with help us feel better. That’s why I think cats are excellent companions for those with health challenges. They can be low key when it’s needed, and lively when it’s the right time to be so.

Cats can be this way when we give them the space, and support, to be this way. Our kitten, Olwyn, is almost a year old, traditionally a time when cats try out their independence, and become less cuddly as a ploy to see if we will make the effort, instead of them.

If we take “our turn” seriously, we can weather the storms of adolescence; and have a cat who remains physically and emotionally close. Olwyn combines her natural trust with our careful handling to retain her kitten cuddliness. She has also taken over Mr. Bond’s role in watching over Dear Husband when he’s not feeling well and needs to take a nap. This is so Mr. Bond, getting on in years and needing more naps himself, doesn’t have to keep tabs the way he used to.

So cats care for us, and even for each other. This is all the more extraordinary to me when we consider that cats are not pack animals by nature. Even lions do not have a pack structure; it’s more of a cooperative group. This is what cats form in our homes with other beings they live with. Our goal should be a cooperative group!

It’s highly ironic that cats have the reputation of being indifferent or lacking in affection, when in fact cats are so sensitive, so worried about how their overtures are greeted, and so anxious about having their friendship returned, that they can seem aloof.

But that, for certain, is an act.

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Cats love the deep relaxation of a good massage and we will get a bunch of lovin’.

Win-win!

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Since cats often react to a massage by flexing their feet, (an important part of their stress relief,) we should approach them while the cat is lying on a soft surface. By starting out in one of their hangout spots, we make their spot even more special, keep our laps safe, and get our cat used to this move.

Start with our our usual Petting in Place routine. This will start the relaxation process and soften the cat up for new petting moves.

How can this new thing be bad? It feels so good!

We begin our massage by making our thumb and fingers into a circle, and start rubbing the back of our cat’s head. The head is both the most sensitive area (even a small movement here feels good to the cat) and the least sensitive area (it’s hard to make a wrong move when we are petting their head with our fingertips.)

We started at the top of their spine, and as we open our hand and use the fingers and thumb more separately, we slowly move down their spinal column. We do not bear down.

We use no more or less force than we do when we pet the regular way. The simple fact that we are using our fingertips instead of our whole hand will concentrate the petting into a massage move.

We slowly let our fingers do the walking down their spine, slowing down when the cat stretches to get a different spot moved under our massaging hand.

If the cat rolls over onto their side, we continue our massage. If the cat rolls over onto their back, they are relaxed, but it’s not a good idea to massage their belly. Leave our hand in place for them to roll over onto; this might be something that feels good to them. And that’s the whole point.

By the time we reach the base of their spine, right where the tail begins, we can linger there, moving our fingers closer and closer together, lightening up on the pressure until we take our hand away.

We can run our fingertips lightly along their tail as a finishing move, but do not attempt to “massage” their tail; it’s not built that way.

Wrap it up with some chin rubs or ear “scritches” to bring the happiness full circle.

As we massage, we should tell them what it is, and suggest how they can ask for it in future. By repeating their massage word, which can be “massage,” they will learn to respond to our invitations in future.

One day, we can call out, “Who wants a massage?” and have an eager cat come running in to flop in front of us. (This is also a good way to start grooming a comb-shy cat.)

So ramp up that petting next time.

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They still fight for my attention and squabble over who gets the coveted Seat Nearest Mom’s Tummy, so if you have any tips on making them, you know, stop doing that, I would be most appreciative. They keep kicking one another off my lap or the couch and the cycle starts all over.

Those still bringing cats from their shells might think “such a problem!”; cats who want our love so much they can’t get enough.

But not getting enough means a lack of satisfaction.

This is the Scarcity Dynamic: each cat perceives love as a limited resource. Two were not getting enough; one feels she is now getting less. While we are always grateful that our lap is NOT big enough for all three cats, we could make more of ourself accessible at certain times, such as using a Love Fest.

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We clear our mental decks and put on relaxing music. Then we get down on the floor and our only task is to Love Cats.

We roll around on the floor and reach for every cat who comes by. They can pick a body part to rub up against, and we grab and hug every cat in range. Everybody gets a whispered endearment; everybody gets extra love if they share it with another. It’s really great to squash them together if we can.

No one gets preference during a Love Fest; and they must cooperate to participate; it is all Opt In. Convey abundance until they can’t stand it any more.

We should also try to relax and mentally “be there” with them; part of the Love Fest’s power is its totality. Don’t they always know when your attention is not focused on them, even if you are petting them?

When the itch is only partially scratched; it still itches. When they get partial attention, they feel it.

When we make a Love Fest part of our daily routine, we make love the infinite resource it really is. And the cats will start to see it that way.

When their tummies are full of Love, and the other cats are part of it, they will stop seeing the other cats as competitors, and see them as another Love resource.

It is more difficult for cats to see the other cats in a negative light; when we all have such a good time at the Love Fest.

Any enjoyment the human gets out of it is a lovely bonus gift.

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Just make a fuss over the cat.

If we notice the cat and don’t say anything, the cat will notice us and not say anything. Not much of a relationship, is it?

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So what I am advocating is preemptive action on our part. If we aren’t getting enough attention from the cat, it might be because we haven’t been giving it. First and best.

This is the greatest pitfall of cat newbies. They wait for the cat to fuss over them, not knowing that the cat is waiting for the exact same thing.

The cat wants to know that we find them interesting and lovable. That’s what we all want. So taking even a minute to say the cat’ s name, and make some eye contact, lets our cat know we care.

When we do have time, we can be quietly thrilled by their presence and reach out for some petting. Isn’t this why we got a pet? So we can exchange affection?

People who complain that their cat is not affectionate are usually waiting for the cat to make the first move. They protest that they do ask for affection; but the missing element they don’t realize is that they often haven’t yet established any platform for mutual friendship.

Popping up and asking for a cuddle when we have not established our intentions in the cat’s mind means we are taking liberties that we have not yet earned.

Yet it’s so simple to earn those liberties. Consistently noticing the cat and being delighted by their mere presence signals the cat that we want to be buddies.

Then our requests for affection have a context in the cat’s mind. They know what we are after. They know our intentions.

This is especially crucial when we are winning over a cat who has experienced neglect of some kind. They fell for an offer of friendship before, and wound up betrayed and abandoned. Showing the cat that we are different means putting our own heart on the line when we ask for theirs.

People who are not used to cats can find the cat’s seeming aloofness hard to handle. Heck, the dog goes nuts every time we look at him.

That’s right. Makes us feel good, doesn’t it? So there’s nothing wrong with some quiet enthusiasm (cats find themselves disconcerted over a lot of loudness and wild movements) to model for the cat the kind of behavior we, ourselves, would like.

If we “notice the cat” every time we notice the cat, we will be well on our way to a great cat relationship.

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Since they won’t know they can enjoy it until they actually try it, we need to work though a gradual series of moves.

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We reach for the cat. If the cat shies away, try the Fist of Friendship; our closed hand. This tells the cat we will not grab them.

Then we rub the cat with their hand shape of choice, saying nice things about them. When they are comfortable with this, we begin the Forklift.

If the cat tenses up, we stop the move and let the cat and ourselves drop back into a comfortable, previous, point.

We begin by sliding our hands under the cat during a petting session, preferably while they are standing. This is how we will first pick them up.

We don’t start with the whole move. That’s the point.

If the cat shies away, we stop, and try again some other time. Our gentle persistence, and approaching the cat in various moods and places, will let us know where the cat feels the most confidence and trust.

Once the cat lets us pet their belly in this position, we can lean over them. This must be a separate move. Let them be comfortable with belly rubbing before we loom over them in what could be seen as a threatening move on our part.

We are upping the comfort level at the cat’s pace.

We must show them two things: we are trustworthy, and capable of handling them properly.

So at this point the cat feels a sense of equality with us because they are still with their feet on the ground, free to leave at any time, and able to indulge in some good cuddling.

We run our forearms beside the cat’s stomach.

Supporting their legs and not putting pressure on their delicate stomachs will show competency. So we use our forearms under the cat’s body, and against their inner legs. Trying to pick up the cat with our hands doesn’t offer enough support if the cat needs reassurance.

Now, with all preliminary moves happily accepted, we begin to pick them up.

We can do this in as slow an increment as we need, until we get to the point that the cat’s feet are starting to move upward, with the cat still supported by our arms. They have an instinct to keep at least contact with something; this can disorient them.

So be quick to unroll them and set them down again. This smooth motion will keep the cat calm and centered in something that anchors them.

Once the cat is relaxed, we can roll them towards our chest and face.

If their paws curl inward, we know we can continue.

Some cats will extend their front legs, but are still relaxed. But if they flail around, reaching for something to cling to, they are not comfortable, and we should put them down again.

By gradually asking for more trust, and letting the cat know they can opt out at any time, we will engage the cat’s natural curiosity about what might happen next, and they will let us continue.

Once we have the cat in place, nestled against our chest, we should not get up until the cat is relaxed and comfortable.

Losing our balance and juggling the cat is not the message we want to send with this move.

If we are not certain of our ability to get up without disturbing the cat, we can begin our move from a chair, or simply enjoy holding the cat this way while we are on the floor ourselves.

We also should make our walking around with the cat our final stage. Cats who are happy to be held might not be happy about being taken somewhere unknown. As always, we should let the cat decide their comfort level.

Once we have all our moves right, we can enjoy this most special of all moments.

Given enough time; with almost any cat.

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It’s a universal human signal to approach someone with an open hand. Anthropologists think it means, “I have no weapons.” From a friendly wave to an offer of a handshake, humans use the open hand to signal friendliness.

We use our fist to signal aggression.

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But this doesn’t work on cats.

The reason a shy cat skitters away from our open hand is because that means they might be grabbed, and they don’t like the odds.

So when we approach with a closed fist, it sends a more reassuring signal. We are not trying to grab them. Our intentions are good.

When a cat is being very aggressive towards another cat, what does their paw look like? That’s right; widespread, with claws extended.

The folded hand also safeguards us against poking them. Cats are cautious around spiky objects that could injure their delicate facial areas. Even my own cats, who have no fear of our open hands, can suddenly turn their head for extra contact and get my finger in their ear or eye.

When I use my fist as a petting tool, I make sure that doesn’t happen.

We have to realign our own inclinations to realize how the cat interprets our gestures. We can feel hurt when we extend our hand for petting; and the cat flees.

This “intention misinterpretation” is part of how people continue to give cats the wrong signal, and then get the wrong signal back.

We might have already played the Villain Hands game with our cats, without realizing how this same gesture plays out when we are approaching our cat at other times.

The dynamic tension of the Villain Hands game is how we are playing with our cat’s trust. Will we grab them for good or bad? The Villain Hands game ends with cuddling and a catharsis of the uncertainty built up over each other’s intentions.

When we cuddle, we both have resolved the tension, for a happy ending.

With the shy or unknown cat, we don’t have enough trust to play this as a game. The cat is playing for real, and there’s no fun in it for them because they don’t know what we mean by our open hand.

Cats always err on the side of caution.

So when we are still building trust, not yet having enough for them to give us the benefit of the doubt, use the Fist of Friendship. This is using catspeak. This is communicating with them in their language.

We might be surprised how this simple change in our approach will speak volumes about our good intentions.

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