This has all been Mr. Bond’s idea. I’ve always encouraged him to love Dear Husband, by sending positive verbal and physical messages when Mr. Bond acts affectionately towards Dear Husband. I praise him when he says hello to guests.

But Mr. Bond won’t show much. I think it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Because when I’m not around… Mr. Bond turns into a social butterfly.

Unless I come into the room again.

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I find it funny and endearing; I don’t think of it as Mr. Bond trying to fool me. As a natural “one person cat” Mr. Bond needs me to know I’m still his special person. So I can turn around and do the same for him.

One of the things about cats that their fans remark upon is their sensitivity to our moods. When we are happy, they are happy. When we are sad, they will hang around, just hoping their presence with help us feel better. That’s why I think cats are excellent companions for those with health challenges. They can be low key when it’s needed, and lively when it’s the right time to be so.

Cats can be this way when we give them the space, and support, to be this way. Our kitten, Olwyn, is almost a year old, traditionally a time when cats try out their independence, and become less cuddly as a ploy to see if we will make the effort, instead of them.

If we take “our turn” seriously, we can weather the storms of adolescence; and have a cat who remains physically and emotionally close. Olwyn combines her natural trust with our careful handling to retain her kitten cuddliness. She has also taken over Mr. Bond’s role in watching over Dear Husband when he’s not feeling well and needs to take a nap. This is so Mr. Bond, getting on in years and needing more naps himself, doesn’t have to keep tabs the way he used to.

So cats care for us, and even for each other. This is all the more extraordinary to me when we consider that cats are not pack animals by nature. Even lions do not have a pack structure; it’s more of a cooperative group. This is what cats form in our homes with other beings they live with. Our goal should be a cooperative group!

It’s highly ironic that cats have the reputation of being indifferent or lacking in affection, when in fact cats are so sensitive, so worried about how their overtures are greeted, and so anxious about having their friendship returned, that they can seem aloof.

But that, for certain, is an act.

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Cats love the deep relaxation of a good massage and we will get a bunch of lovin’.

Win-win!

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Since cats often react to a massage by flexing their feet, (an important part of their stress relief,) we should approach them while the cat is lying on a soft surface. By starting out in one of their hangout spots, we make their spot even more special, keep our laps safe, and get our cat used to this move.

Start with our our usual Petting in Place routine. This will start the relaxation process and soften the cat up for new petting moves.

How can this new thing be bad? It feels so good!

We begin our massage by making our thumb and fingers into a circle, and start rubbing the back of our cat’s head. The head is both the most sensitive area (even a small movement here feels good to the cat) and the least sensitive area (it’s hard to make a wrong move when we are petting their head with our fingertips.)

We started at the top of their spine, and as we open our hand and use the fingers and thumb more separately, we slowly move down their spinal column. We do not bear down.

We use no more or less force than we do when we pet the regular way. The simple fact that we are using our fingertips instead of our whole hand will concentrate the petting into a massage move.

We slowly let our fingers do the walking down their spine, slowing down when the cat stretches to get a different spot moved under our massaging hand.

If the cat rolls over onto their side, we continue our massage. If the cat rolls over onto their back, they are relaxed, but it’s not a good idea to massage their belly. Leave our hand in place for them to roll over onto; this might be something that feels good to them. And that’s the whole point.

By the time we reach the base of their spine, right where the tail begins, we can linger there, moving our fingers closer and closer together, lightening up on the pressure until we take our hand away.

We can run our fingertips lightly along their tail as a finishing move, but do not attempt to “massage” their tail; it’s not built that way.

Wrap it up with some chin rubs or ear “scritches” to bring the happiness full circle.

As we massage, we should tell them what it is, and suggest how they can ask for it in future. By repeating their massage word, which can be “massage,” they will learn to respond to our invitations in future.

One day, we can call out, “Who wants a massage?” and have an eager cat come running in to flop in front of us. (This is also a good way to start grooming a comb-shy cat.)

So ramp up that petting next time.

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They still fight for my attention and squabble over who gets the coveted Seat Nearest Mom’s Tummy, so if you have any tips on making them, you know, stop doing that, I would be most appreciative. They keep kicking one another off my lap or the couch and the cycle starts all over.

Those still bringing cats from their shells might think “such a problem!”; cats who want our love so much they can’t get enough.

But not getting enough means a lack of satisfaction.

This is the Scarcity Dynamic: each cat perceives love as a limited resource. Two were not getting enough; one feels she is now getting less. While we are always grateful that our lap is NOT big enough for all three cats, we could make more of ourself accessible at certain times, such as using a Love Fest.

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We clear our mental decks and put on relaxing music. Then we get down on the floor and our only task is to Love Cats.

We roll around on the floor and reach for every cat who comes by. They can pick a body part to rub up against, and we grab and hug every cat in range. Everybody gets a whispered endearment; everybody gets extra love if they share it with another. It’s really great to squash them together if we can.

No one gets preference during a Love Fest; and they must cooperate to participate; it is all Opt In. Convey abundance until they can’t stand it any more.

We should also try to relax and mentally “be there” with them; part of the Love Fest’s power is its totality. Don’t they always know when your attention is not focused on them, even if you are petting them?

When the itch is only partially scratched; it still itches. When they get partial attention, they feel it.

When we make a Love Fest part of our daily routine, we make love the infinite resource it really is. And the cats will start to see it that way.

When their tummies are full of Love, and the other cats are part of it, they will stop seeing the other cats as competitors, and see them as another Love resource.

It is more difficult for cats to see the other cats in a negative light; when we all have such a good time at the Love Fest.

Any enjoyment the human gets out of it is a lovely bonus gift.

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Just make a fuss over the cat.

If we notice the cat and don’t say anything, the cat will notice us and not say anything. Not much of a relationship, is it?

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So what I am advocating is preemptive action on our part. If we aren’t getting enough attention from the cat, it might be because we haven’t been giving it. First and best.

This is the greatest pitfall of cat newbies. They wait for the cat to fuss over them, not knowing that the cat is waiting for the exact same thing.

The cat wants to know that we find them interesting and lovable. That’s what we all want. So taking even a minute to say the cat’ s name, and make some eye contact, lets our cat know we care.

When we do have time, we can be quietly thrilled by their presence and reach out for some petting. Isn’t this why we got a pet? So we can exchange affection?

People who complain that their cat is not affectionate are usually waiting for the cat to make the first move. They protest that they do ask for affection; but the missing element they don’t realize is that they often haven’t yet established any platform for mutual friendship.

Popping up and asking for a cuddle when we have not established our intentions in the cat’s mind means we are taking liberties that we have not yet earned.

Yet it’s so simple to earn those liberties. Consistently noticing the cat and being delighted by their mere presence signals the cat that we want to be buddies.

Then our requests for affection have a context in the cat’s mind. They know what we are after. They know our intentions.

This is especially crucial when we are winning over a cat who has experienced neglect of some kind. They fell for an offer of friendship before, and wound up betrayed and abandoned. Showing the cat that we are different means putting our own heart on the line when we ask for theirs.

People who are not used to cats can find the cat’s seeming aloofness hard to handle. Heck, the dog goes nuts every time we look at him.

That’s right. Makes us feel good, doesn’t it? So there’s nothing wrong with some quiet enthusiasm (cats find themselves disconcerted over a lot of loudness and wild movements) to model for the cat the kind of behavior we, ourselves, would like.

If we “notice the cat” every time we notice the cat, we will be well on our way to a great cat relationship.

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Since they won’t know they can enjoy it until they actually try it, we need to work though a gradual series of moves.

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We reach for the cat. If the cat shies away, try the Fist of Friendship; our closed hand. This tells the cat we will not grab them.

Then we rub the cat with their hand shape of choice, saying nice things about them. When they are comfortable with this, we begin the Forklift.

If the cat tenses up, we stop the move and let the cat and ourselves drop back into a comfortable, previous, point.

We begin by sliding our hands under the cat during a petting session, preferably while they are standing. This is how we will first pick them up.

We don’t start with the whole move. That’s the point.

If the cat shies away, we stop, and try again some other time. Our gentle persistence, and approaching the cat in various moods and places, will let us know where the cat feels the most confidence and trust.

Once the cat lets us pet their belly in this position, we can lean over them. This must be a separate move. Let them be comfortable with belly rubbing before we loom over them in what could be seen as a threatening move on our part.

We are upping the comfort level at the cat’s pace.

We must show them two things: we are trustworthy, and capable of handling them properly.

So at this point the cat feels a sense of equality with us because they are still with their feet on the ground, free to leave at any time, and able to indulge in some good cuddling.

We run our forearms beside the cat’s stomach.

Supporting their legs and not putting pressure on their delicate stomachs will show competency. So we use our forearms under the cat’s body, and against their inner legs. Trying to pick up the cat with our hands doesn’t offer enough support if the cat needs reassurance.

Now, with all preliminary moves happily accepted, we begin to pick them up.

We can do this in as slow an increment as we need, until we get to the point that the cat’s feet are starting to move upward, with the cat still supported by our arms. They have an instinct to keep at least contact with something; this can disorient them.

So be quick to unroll them and set them down again. This smooth motion will keep the cat calm and centered in something that anchors them.

Once the cat is relaxed, we can roll them towards our chest and face.

If their paws curl inward, we know we can continue.

Some cats will extend their front legs, but are still relaxed. But if they flail around, reaching for something to cling to, they are not comfortable, and we should put them down again.

By gradually asking for more trust, and letting the cat know they can opt out at any time, we will engage the cat’s natural curiosity about what might happen next, and they will let us continue.

Once we have the cat in place, nestled against our chest, we should not get up until the cat is relaxed and comfortable.

Losing our balance and juggling the cat is not the message we want to send with this move.

If we are not certain of our ability to get up without disturbing the cat, we can begin our move from a chair, or simply enjoy holding the cat this way while we are on the floor ourselves.

We also should make our walking around with the cat our final stage. Cats who are happy to be held might not be happy about being taken somewhere unknown. As always, we should let the cat decide their comfort level.

Once we have all our moves right, we can enjoy this most special of all moments.

Given enough time; with almost any cat.

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It’s a universal human signal to approach someone with an open hand. Anthropologists think it means, “I have no weapons.” From a friendly wave to an offer of a handshake, humans use the open hand to signal friendliness.

We use our fist to signal aggression.

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But this doesn’t work on cats.

The reason a shy cat skitters away from our open hand is because that means they might be grabbed, and they don’t like the odds.

So when we approach with a closed fist, it sends a more reassuring signal. We are not trying to grab them. Our intentions are good.

When a cat is being very aggressive towards another cat, what does their paw look like? That’s right; widespread, with claws extended.

The folded hand also safeguards us against poking them. Cats are cautious around spiky objects that could injure their delicate facial areas. Even my own cats, who have no fear of our open hands, can suddenly turn their head for extra contact and get my finger in their ear or eye.

When I use my fist as a petting tool, I make sure that doesn’t happen.

We have to realign our own inclinations to realize how the cat interprets our gestures. We can feel hurt when we extend our hand for petting; and the cat flees.

This “intention misinterpretation” is part of how people continue to give cats the wrong signal, and then get the wrong signal back.

We might have already played the Villain Hands game with our cats, without realizing how this same gesture plays out when we are approaching our cat at other times.

The dynamic tension of the Villain Hands game is how we are playing with our cat’s trust. Will we grab them for good or bad? The Villain Hands game ends with cuddling and a catharsis of the uncertainty built up over each other’s intentions.

When we cuddle, we both have resolved the tension, for a happy ending.

With the shy or unknown cat, we don’t have enough trust to play this as a game. The cat is playing for real, and there’s no fun in it for them because they don’t know what we mean by our open hand.

Cats always err on the side of caution.

So when we are still building trust, not yet having enough for them to give us the benefit of the doubt, use the Fist of Friendship. This is using catspeak. This is communicating with them in their language.

We might be surprised how this simple change in our approach will speak volumes about our good intentions.

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We must be sensitive to the small ways a cat might be extending the Paw of Friendship. We must mimic these ways in our own efforts, so the cat will recognize them.

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Suppose, as I often hear, that “the cat is only interested in mealtime.” The person feels hurt that the cat doesn’t want to be petted while they eat, though they would be the first to admit it’s difficult to make out and eat hot wings at the same time. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) So what is the right way to leverage the cat’s affection for food into affection for the food-giver?

We can impose our Presence onto the food. We probably haven’t been making a fuss over mealtimes because we are hurt at being ignored at other times. This Cold War will not thaw until we are openly happy to make the cat happy.

Once we are making mealtimes into Dinner Theater, we can build on this mutual good feeling by extending our Presence into other aspects of the event. Before we leave for work, we can take out the dinner can and place it in a prominent position, just begging to be discussed upon our arrival back home. We can celebrate a high point of our mutual evening by breaking out some treats and discussing favorite flavors, or how we made a point of going to the treat section when we were at the store.

We made an effort for them. Show them. Tell them.

Maybe we feel hurt that the cat doesn’t seem to love us, even though we clean the litter every day, and twice on Sundays. So… Show them. Tell them. The cat might already be hanging around, eager for first crack at the new litter.

Tell them how this is not one of our favorite things, but we do it for love. Remind them on trash day, or when we lug in the new container of litter, or just take a random moment out of our day to visit the litter, scoop one thing or top it off.

Take advantage of their appearance at this place of mutual interest to say some kind words and reach out a hand.

When we conclude a play session, do we then try to pet the cat when they are all riled up and ready to see our hand as a plaything? Or do we wait until the cat has settled down for a nap and then show respect by Petting in Place, insuring that the cat both understands what we are doing and recognizes that we care enough to do it right?

When we complain that the cat only cares for us when we are doing something for them, we might not realize that we have created this situation. That we have only gifted the cat with our Presence at such times. That we have ignored the cats overtures at other times because we did not recognize them. That we have not been making recognizable friendship overtures ourselves.

I have described these steps to people, and sometimes they protest that this sounds like too much work. They think the cat should love them, regardless. I tend to think these are the same people who dislike the effort of remembering birthdays and anniversaries, who claim to miss the point of silly little gifts or offering flowers, or who respond to a significant others inquiry about the depth of their love by stating, “I’m here, aren’t i?”

Well, yes. They are. But it’s pretty obvious that someone is asking for something that is just a little bit more.

Our cat, and maybe even our other loved ones, are asking for more than we can give by occasionally taking up space.

By giving the cat the gift of our Presence, the cat will then give us the gift of theirs.

It is from this beginning that all else will flow.

See the whole series on Using Our Presence.

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Our more direct attempts to gain cat affection work on cats who are relaxed and confident already. It doesn’t matter if they were born that way, or we encouraged them to be that way. We can go looking for each other, get in each other’s space, and have a mutual cuddling session with each other. Anytime either of us feels like it.

That is what we want from a pet relationship.

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People don’t get affection from their cat relationship when they expect the cat to be as demanding, and impervious to hurt, as a dog. Yet what is ironic about this demand is that usually the person is not acting the same way a dog would.

They want the cat to come to them more often. Even if they are not going to the cat.

It’s important to remember that even if we make the effort to demand attention, we might still be doing it in a way that turns off the cat. However well intentioned, coming home and dragging the cat out from under the bed will not improve our cat relationship.

We can assert our own Presence in a way the cat will understand. We just have to do it the right way, and avoid doing it the wrong way.

The wrong way to ask for affection from our cat:

Picking the wrong times. Often, people will take advantage of what they see as times that the cat is already paying attention to them to ask for more attention from the cat. But this will backfire when we push too hard. If the cat asks for something, we should do a bit of interaction before the task, not after.

Once the bowl is put down or the litter cleaned, the cat wishes to attend to business, not get distracted by petting or other demands of our own. It’s not very friendly of us to demand immediate payment for our efforts.

To the cat, this distorts what should be an act of love. We might as well be telling them we will be leaving money on the dresser.

We should not barge into a situation that is not going to be improved by our efforts. Even a cat who enjoys petting will not appreciate too much of it during dinner. We love our friends acting rowdy at the big game, but not at the dinner we are throwing for our boss.

Picking the wrong ways. We can never force our attentions on the cat and get good results. We cannot hold them against their struggles in an attempt to show them we are friendly. This will never be a way to teach them to enjoy cuddling.

Yet somewhere on the globe at this very moment, a frustrated cat person is “holding” a cat in order to pet them. This works about as well as the psychotic stalker who wants to “make” a celebrity fall in love and marry them.

Not very well.

Humans persist in these doomed efforts because they just don’t know how to get the ball rolling with a shy cat, a traumatized cat, or a cat who has already been inadvertently turned off by their previous, clumsy, attempts.

Humans must accept that, just as they would like someone to be their friend by making friendship efforts that the other person likes, we must extend friendship to a cat by making efforts they can understand.

If need be, we will start with the most basic of overtures.

We will learn the right way to impress the cat with our Presence.

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But we may have been blocking this happy state of affairs with our own cat, because the cat is using quieter methods we are not recognizing. Whether the cat is recovering from traumatic events or was simply born with a more diplomatic personality, these cats are at a disadvantage in a world where people have been trained to regard all pets against a “dog standard.”

Dogs can’t help demanding attention. A dog will shrug off rebuffs, push through being ignored, and continue to let their person know they want something.

Cats have two strikes against them in a Demanding Attention contest.

What many people regard as indifference is really the opposite. A cat risks their heart each time they ask.

With the stakes so high, and the people so unknowing, it’s no wonder so many cats lead lives of quiet desperation. It’s no wonder so many people are nagged by disappointment each time they wish that their cats could be more affectionate.

After all, these people are filling the bowls, cleaning the litter, and tossing the toys. Doesn’t that show they love their cat? (And it does; we will not move our cat relationship forward without good basic care.)

From the cat’s point of view, they are showing gratitude for this care; at the time. When they make a move to advance the relationship beyond that, they are ignored.

Because the human doesn’t realize the cat is demanding attention. That the cat is demanding attention with their Presence. That when we do not respond to their Presence, we are ignoring them.

And both our feelings are hurt.

We all know how well cats can hide. But do we realize that simply seeing a cat who is not hiding is actually a signal? That the cat is making an overture simply by allowing themselves to be seen?

Often, not. And the cycle of hurt continues.

Savvy Cat Appreciators know this, even if not consciously. They are open to small overtures, sensitive to shyness, willing to see success in mere Presence. They might go into a cat relationship that demands extra attention, such as winning over a stray. They might have experience in the art of cat friendships.

Either way, they make the right moves when the cat does, and find themselves puzzled when other people complain that, “Cats are not affectionate.”

Here’s the simple key to unlocking any cat relationship. Notice them.

Notice that they are there. Light up when we catch sight of them. Say their name when we realize they are looking at us, even from behind a door or from under the bed.

Welcome them into our lives.

The cat regards their Presence as a gift. Just as when we make our Presence known during the food or litter rituals. How do cats try to gift us with their Presence?

Cats with access to prey will bring us “gifts.” And cats without access to prey will leave us “gifts.”

Or did we think they were just leaving their toys around?

Sometimes they do. Sometimes that toy in our bed, or in the middle of the hall, or in our shoes, is not just an abandoned toy.

It’s a signal.

It’s a chance for us to say, “Oh, look. It’s Sponge Ball Square Pants. It’s Secret Squirrel. It’s Fluffy Bird.” (If we aren’t naming our cat’s toys, we are missing these opportunities for interaction and brain-building.) “I wonder how this got here. Was Merlin thinking of me? Was Ms. Princess missing me while I was at work? ”

In a word, yes. Now the cat is thrilled we noticed. Usually, they will appear, having been lurking in hopes of just such an opportunity. Now they can demand affection. Now we can demand affection.

Because we each know our overtures will not be ignored. We each know our feelings will not be hurt.

Have we been sulking in our unhappiness, hurt that the cat doesn’t seem to like us?

Well… so has the cat.

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There they will stay until I have to get up. With a huge cup of coffee involved, that is inevitable.

While I alternate my attention between them and my electronic devices, (they approve of my iPod touch, because it leaves more room for them,) they are happy doing very little. And that’s a key to cat understanding.

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They regard their presence as a gift. They regard our presence as a gift.

The first stage of gaining cat affection is proactive. We demonstrate our good intentions by offering reliable food, clean litter, and interesting playthings. Our own happiness in the cat’s appearance to enjoy these things will speak volumes.

Sometimes, that doesn’t seem enough. For either the wary adult, or the grown kitten whose adolescence seems to have rung down the curtain on our relationship, some people find themselves wondering what they can do to have a more affectionate cat. Have they missed the boat?

No. There’s always another boat coming in.

We simply have to recognize it as such.

As I discussed in a previous post, Presence is an important concept in cat understanding. We might not realize it also applies to the cat’s relationship with us. There are many occasions where we might acknowledge the cats Presence during our time at home.

If we don’t, we are hurting the cat’s feelings without realizing we are doing it. This rift, unseen by us, but looking like the Grand Canyon to our cat, is the real barrier to further development.

We might not realize, even as we make friendship overtures, that we might not be leaving a space for the cat to make friendship overtures of their own. At the time, sure. We extend a hand, they put a body part into it; so far, so good.

If we ask ourselves, “When does the cat make the first move?” and our answer is, “Not often,” we have the oft cited basis for the myth that cats do not initiate affection.

But they do, of course they do. It’s just not recognized.

Because the next move in Cat Poker can often be so subtle, it’s not seen. When not seen, it’s not responded to. When not responded to, it makes the cat feel ignored. And then the relationship stays stuck.

Confident cats don’t have this problem. They are perfectly willing to demand new cards dealt to them. They will jump into laps, appear in front of the screen we are staring at, greet us at the door. They will demand attention.

They will get it.

This is the source of the common boast, “My cat is like a dog. ” The cat may, or may not, fetch. But these cats do demand attention. Like a dog does.

So they get it.

Some cats are born to demand attention. But all cats can have attention thrust upon them. Then they, too, can become these cats.

All we have to do is pick up on the many subtle ways cats ask for attention.

We will then discover how affectionate they can be.

And we will be surprised.

See the whole series on Using Our Presence.

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