They don’t know what is delicate or dangerous. Even if they know they aren’t supposed to do it… they can’t imagine anything they want to do so much to, somehow, turn out be so bad.

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This is among the many reasons we shouldn’t react badly, or out-of-exasperation act badly, over our cat’s annoying behavior. Because, for another reason, it acts against us.

We should act knowing that these reactions are being studied and added to the Unerasable Cat Database. If we remember that; we will often act differently that we would if we are convinced the cat doesn’t listen to us and misbehaves on purpose.

There are a few times when this is true. Reverend Jim has a sense memory of the first time he realized he could do something reliably and reliably get my attention. Unfortunately, he was misbehaving at the time.

I keep teaching RJ new techniques, and he keeps learning them. But when he feels urgency and I am busy with something else, he will climb the bookcases until I get up.

Because, he now knows I have to.

This is a great breakthrough for any cat to realize. They love to be the focus of our attention. That is another reason we cannot over-react to what they do; we must convey concern, not panic. If we panic, they panic, and then nobody’s learning anything.

Our attention acts like a spotlight beamed onto our cat.

So when we direct the focus of attention, let it be for a lot of good things the cat is doing, too. Only giving the cat bad attention means they will settle for that.

When we only get lively when they are doing something wrong, we have undermined a great training and affection tool, which is our fussing and attention. We must seek out the good things our cat is doing, even that is only sleeping in a good place and we don’t have to worry about them.

It’s not even that they start out doing anything for the purpose of misbehaving. They all start out exploring. But if we do not handle misbehavior the right way: we will risk creating more of it.

So when we contemplate cat misbehavior, ask ourselves; Are we sure? Sometimes when cats won’t stop a “bad” behavior, it’s because we have not shown them a better way to do that which they are desperate to keep doing.

That very determination and desperation is our clue that we need to get this need meet in a different way.

Which they will. It truly is better than no attention at all.

For more, see Do Cats Want to be the Center of Attention?

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Do some lion taming, only instead of a kitchen chair, use a giant sea bass. Once the sea bass is eaten, lie back on the couch and pile three bags of sugar on your chest. Now attach an outboard motor to the couch and push the throttle all the way open.

This approximates a very important part of our holiday experience; sharing my traditional shrimp cocktail with Reverend Jim, and managing to breathe through his ardent appreciation, afterwards.

Of course the other cats enjoy shrimp bits too; they become very happy. But it’s a real holiday highlight to make Reverend Jim this happy.

Do we have a holiday tradition we share with our cats? Do they get a special treat or an ornament to play with or a seasonal toy?

If not, why not?

We marked Tristan’s first Christmas with this stuffed Santa, and we look forward to him attacking it for many holidays to come.

The holidays can be a trying time for our cats. Routines are disrupted, leisure time shortens, new people show up, and might even hang around.

For every interesting box that appears, they risk getting scolded or warded away from its contents. Shelves that used to be theirs now have new things that aren’t supposed to be investigated.

In many households, a tree appears, covered in blinking lights and sparkly ornaments, and they are expected to leave it alone.

It’s all very puzzling to our cats.

Give them something to look forward to, just as we do. From special treats to a holiday toy that comes out of the decoration boxes, we can discover ways to help the cats feel festive, too.

Whether we celebrate Christmas or Pancha Ganapati or Kwanzaa or Chanukah or Festivus or Bodhi Day or the Winter Solstice, or any combination thereof…

We should include our cats in the joy of this season.

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Competition.

If we and our cat try to one-up each other in our gestures of affection and caring… everybody wins.

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The most important cat game of all is the one I call the Game of Mutual Regard.

This is when we do something nice for our cat, and they feel compelled to do something nice for us in return. Now we are obligated to do something else nice back at them. Before we know it, we love each other.

The only way to throw a wrench in this beautiful system is to not believe in it.

So often this process never gets off the ground because each of us is waiting for the other to make the first move. People sit around waiting for the cat to act like a Labrador retriever puppy. Cats sit around waiting for the people to realize that cats don’t act like Labrador retriever puppies.

In the meantime, nobody is getting affection.

The easy ways of kittens are only a stage of development. People who are unprepared for their maturation process are hurt and confused by the growing cat’s apparent cold shoulder. The young cat is equally confused and hurt that the human is not picking up on the moves in The Game.

Cats create their relationships with each other with a delicate dance of tiny movements and relaxed tolerance. One cat sitting near another speaks volumes about their intentions. The other cat not objecting is as good as throwing a parade.

When cats expect humans to understand their relationship language, and they don’t, cats interpret the message as rejection. Humans, trapped in their own expectations, conclude that “cats are not affectionate.”

What will bridge this communication gap is the act of spoiling.

If we pop open a can of special food, or fuss over a new toy we got them, we are making our feelings clear. In turn, our cats can feel confident that their friendship gestures have been recognized, and returned.

Whatever those gestures may have been. Whether we caught them, or not.

When we are trying to build a relationship, spoiling covers all our bases.

Find out more about why it’s okay to spoil the cat.

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As long as they don’t think they are being nudged away, they will stay.

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Some cats will define our normal movements, where we shift our laps around to keep our blood flowing, as signals that we are about to get up. So they leave.

By sending the right signals, we can get more “lap cat” moments even if we don’t have a lap cat.

Close cat. We might have a cat who loves to be close, but not on laps. If they stretch out by our leg or perch on the arm of our chair, we can hug and kiss them all we like, but they feel more secure than they would if they were being handled at the same time.

Tristan loves to be hugged and have his forehead kissed, but he is too high-energy to relax on our laps. While we are too active for Reverend Jim, who relaxes wonderfully while we hug him, but finds our laps move more than he likes.

Different definitions. James Bond and Olwyn, both dignified cats, enjoy demanding some “lap time” where they get focused attention. Though neither will fall asleep there during a movie.

If we are always trying to bring the cat to our lap, it might be because this is already a more active process than it should be. We are not making our lap inviting this way.

Synchronize watches. Help our cat out by announcing when our lap is free, or when it will be. Are we more relaxed on the couch than we are in the chair? Then that is when we bring our lap or leg to our cat’s attention.

Creating a ritual around a favorite television show or music session is another way to signal our cat about what we will be doing, and what options are in it for our cats.

Shape the action. Leave our cat some equality when we make overtures. Letting them keep their feet on a surface that isn’t us helps them do that.

We can hold our hands in our laps, palm up, to entice a cat to put their head in it. We can leave our hand down at floor height to start the process. Both of these moves invite the cat, and engages their curiosity, at their own speed.

Unreasonable expectations. Some think witholding affection until it takes a desired shape will “teach” the cat what we want. But then, nobody gets what they want.

Cats are sensitive and perceptive, but they are not mind-readers. If our cat is affectionate with our ankles, respond; even if we wanted our wonderfulness expressed in a different way.

All lap cats are affectionate, but not all affectionate cats are lap cats.

It is not a ladder of achievement, with “lap cat” being the top. It is only one style of closeness, out of many.

Find out more with The Lap Cat.

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They are subtle.

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On of the reasons people like dogs is because they come home to an animal who is reliably leaping up and down and making a visible fuss. Coming home to a cat does not offer this.

To many people, there’s no comparison. But, then again, there should be no comparison.

To a cat, just showing up speaks volumes about how they feel.

In my home, I can tell when two cats want to be buddies; simply because they wind up near each other, often. They don’t have to be doing the same things, or even facing in the same direction. Nearness is its own reward.

Tristan, at one year old, loves to “lurk” about until I catch his eyes; then he blinks big cat kisses at me before running off to find something to play with. James Bond, 15 years old, won’t hide for one of his power naps until his nearby presence has been sought out by me so I can fuss over him. While Olwyn simply drapes herself over the back of Mr WayofCats’ computer chair, where she’s in near-constant contact with him, yet not getting in his way.

This also varies by cat type. Lively Alphas like Tristan will do some excited movements and happy trills, big-hearted Betas like RJ will rub their heads on our ankles with emphatic force, while the sweet Gammas try to make their face beam at our homecoming.

If we are expecting the dancing and trilling, and we get the quiet beaming instead, will we feel neglected? It’s important to remember that we are reacting according to our own expectations; and they must be reasonable for best results.

Even people vary in their declarations of happiness and affection. Some people love deadpan humor; others are fond of slapstick. And it’s all funny, and all different.

Confusion arises because cat enthusiasm doesn’t look like enthusiasm to the uninitiated. If we are looking for a great big noisy fuss… we won’t get it.

Cats are stealth hunters; and they use stealth in other areas, too.

For more about how cats “speak” with their mere presence, see my all my posts on Using Presence.

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It’s okay to have a cat (it can happen to anyone) but I’m not supposed to enjoy it. It’s not right to treat them badly, but it’s somehow not right to treat them too well, either. I should provide good food… but not spend too much. I should provide medical care… as long as I remember it’s “only a cat.”

As for thinking they have feelings, I’m just being a silly fool who knows nothing about science. When my husband acts like he loves me, it’s because he’s a human who forms strong “pair bonds.” When my cat acts like he loves me, it’s my imagination.

This is terribly confusing. So I don’t listen.

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Of course, some people get confused about what love means in humans, too. Without this understanding, the further barriers of deciphering the signals of another species is even more misunderstood.

Love is not a zero-sum proposition. It’s both mistaken, and wrong, to act as though there’s only so much to go around. When we think that way, love works that way.

When we give love, we create more.
When we get some back, it increases again.

So what is the difference between cat love and human love? It is a difference in the way it is expressed.

If we don’t understand a cat’s expressions, or how a cat’s mere presence speaks volumes about their involvement, we will think love isn’t there.

But it is.

When our cats seek us out when we are sick, when they are waiting for us when we come home, when they extend the “paw of compassion” because we are feeling down, there isn’t any question that they feel affection and care.

We show cats we return their regard by using their language, such as the slow blinks of “cat kisses,” or the forehead touching I call the “mind meld.” We might expect cats to respond to such imitation as something they can easily recognize.

But we also use human methods, like running our hand over their head or back, or scratching them under their chin. This is not things cats do for each other; yet our cats recognize these gestures as affection.

How does this happen? How do two species that are so different find themselves in such agreement… when it comes to each other?

We’re just lucky, I guess.

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The clues:

The bits of desk and chair are my own, where I was working when this picture was taken. He’s about two feet away from where my feet would normally be, showing his belly; and pointing it at me.

He’s saying, I love you and I trust you and I want to be near you.

In return, when I saw what he was doing, I sent my own message of love. I blinked slow kisses at him, I told him how sweet he was (using at least three nicknames,) and I put both fists over my heart, which is a part of my own sign language that says, You make my heart full.

In response, RJ kneaded the air with his front paws and gave me blink kisses back. He’s so happy I noticed his message, understood it, and sent one of my own.

RJ likes serious hugging, but only a few times a day, when we can all really concentrate on it. RJ likes for the humans to lie on the bed so he can settle between them and get what we call Stereo Hugging. During this time, he purrs like an outboard motor for up to 20 minutes. Then, as though an internal battery gets topped off, he stretches and leaves.

What about Olwyn? We are always seeing her on top of the “wicker kitten fortress,” as it’s known in our house.

Olwyn has graduated from sitting inside of it to perching on top of it. We also call it Her Throne.

She’s communicating confidence by being on top, instead of inside; her favorite spot when she was younger.

If we kept this footstool in the kitchen, she would not find it so appealing. But since we keep it in the living room, where we spend a lot of our time, she has claimed it for her own. Just as I have claimed my desk.

Olwyn is also communicating closeness; she’s only a foot from RJ and thus, from me at my desk. Spotting me typing away at the computer is a signal for my cats to pick a spot close to me to relax in.

During the day she is draped over the back of Mr WayofCats’ computer chair, in constant shoulder-cat contact, because staying on his lap means she gets interrupted too much.

But where is James Bond?

Behind the couch, in the corner where we store all the cat toys, out of the traffic areas.

And, out of sight.

Will I come looking for him? Will I peek over the couch and say sweet things to him? Yes. I do.

Now happy, he gets under the piece of furniture (where his tail already is) for a serious snooze. He feels secure and loved.

James Bond, even as a kitten, does these subtle scenarios to give me the opportunity to fuss over him. Part of the fuss is the seeking out. Now that I have bounced the ball back into his court, he will appear at my feet later today, to express interest in a hug or lap session.

If I insist. And I do.

What about Tristan? At eleven months, if he wants some lap time, he climbs up to where our lap is and plants himself there, smacking his body against our chest for hugs. Within a few minutes, he’s done; but he may be back at any moment.

Every cat has their own affection style and comfort level. Olwyn, wanting constant contact, had to work out a way to do that. While RJ, who wants a couple of highly intensive sessions, figured out the best time and place for what he wants. Whether we get our cat as a kitten or an adult, they will seek closeness from us, tell us their favorite ways to “mesh,” and wait for us to reciprocate.

Some of the ways people lack closeness with their cats is missing the entire spectrum of how cats send their affection signals. A cat like RJ can start with the belly signal, but if their humans think it’s an invitation for rough-housing, or don’t notice it at all; they will never get to the outboard motor/massive group hug stage.

Then everyone misses out.

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In the mornings he gets hugs and kisses on the forehead and is told to “be a good boy” while I’m gone. When I come home he gets scooped up and cuddled and has his belly kissed.

Is this wrong? No.

What makes this situation cute and sweet and funny, instead of dark and weird and dysfunctional, is that Tristan loves me back.

That’s how we can tell the difference.

Tristan gets those hugs in the morning because he’s always following me around in the morning. He gets the fussing when I get home because he’s usually waiting for me at the door. He gets a lot of attention because he asks for a lot of attention, or maybe it’s the other way around.

I love Reverend Jim, too, even though he has a completely different approach. Most of the time, he’s a massive, passive, presence who likes to concentrate his exchange of affections into intense bursts at widely spaced, predictable times. Unlike Tristan, RJ avoids the spotlight.

Yet I love both these cats, in different ways. I also treat them as individuals, by making them happy in the ways they prefer. Which includes respecting their wishes about dignity, space, and affection.

Any cat, reaching out, is taking a risk. That is why they often start small, and ask for friendship just by hanging around.

This cat subtlety is often lost on humans, who tend to prefer Tristan’s assertive, demanding, in-my-face-and-in-my-lap style.

They would never even get to see RJ’s intense immersion in hugging and purring; because they would not see his first, tiny, overture. They would never get to the full Reverend Jim; and would probably dismiss him as an “aloof” cat.

Many cats love playing the “look away game” as I’m playing here with Tristan, on the bookcase. I look at him, until he looks at me; then I look away. If I’m not looking at him, I try to peek; and a lot of times, he’s looking at me.

For Tristan, it’s just a droplet of water in the waterfall cascade of his affections. But for other cats, this is a tremendous breakthrough that would give them the confidence to make more overtures.

How much do I love Tristan? That’s the game I play with him, and he plays back at me. It is our cat’s favorite game.

One we both win.

We rescued a tiny kitten, not knowing anything about him. See all my posts about Tristan.

For more about all the little ways cats reach out for friendship, see my four part series on how cats use their presence to indicate affectionate interest. Start with Picking Up on Presence, Part 1 and at the end, click on the next article title at the bottom right of the post.

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This is one of those World They Never Made principles. Cats have strong instincts that fit into their natural world; not the one they live in now. So when they seek out good Spots for their napping, observation, and security needs, they would sometimes like reassurance about their choice.

We are valuable guides in this process; if we do it right.

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Part of our Cat Partnership is acknowledging our cat’s sensitive position as our pet, living in our world. We must offer needed advice without offending their independent sensibilities.

We cover all our bases by letting our cat know we approve, whenever we find them in a good spot.

This is the reverse principle from “ignore them when they are good and chase them when they are bad.” It works so much better.

When we encounter our cat in a good Spot, we should say something happy, or send them a Cat Kiss, or Pet them in Place. This will influence our cat to feel happy in their Spot, which is its own reward. But it will also reassure them that we know how to share their Spot with them, that we understand the Spot’s importance, and that we are being a friend and letting them know this is a Good Spot.

This has an added safety benefit. Knowing our cats’ spots will help us find them when we need to.

When our cat is relaxing in their Spot, and hear us coming near, their reaction shouldn’t be Am I going to get in trouble for being here?

Their reaction should be Oh boy! Maybe I’ll get a pet or a kiss or a sweet word!

In that, they aren’t at all different from us.

For more, see Cats in Their Spots and Cat Security, or, Why They Hide.

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What do cats really dislike people doing? Picking them up and carrying them around.

That’s because, most of the time, humans do it wrong. There are several factors in this equation which add up to trouble unless we understand how strongly cats view such activity.

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One of the issues is that many humans don’t think cats are doing anything, anyway. Therefore, they won’t mind being abruptly relocated without notice.

But they do mind.

Hanging around equates “not doing anything” in the human mind; that’s probably what we like about it. But for our cats, whatever they are doing is of prime importance, in their mind. Or they wouldn’t be doing it.

If they are sleeping, they are relaxed and arranged in a comfy pose. Unwinding their explosive muscle potential takes time and effort. Suddenly having to be on alert to keep their floppy body in the right places is annoying.

Remember, cats can do those amazing midair twists and turns because their spine has more vertebra than ours do. This gives them more flexibility, but also creates more work for their muscles to keep everything in place, and avoid injury.

If they are intently watching something… well, they were intently watching something! Now we’ve given the whole game away, and are taking them away from their object of interest. Thanks a bunch, human.

Last weekend, Tristan was prowling around the table where I was working on my laptop. I scooped him into my arms… right before the microwave dinged. Since I did need to attend to the microwave, I carried him into the kitchen, stirred my stuff with one hand, then returned to the living room. Only then did he then squirm to be let down. He’d gotten his cuddling and now wanted to look out of the living room window.

If he’d wanted to be let down in the kitchen, he would have squirmed there. But he did not. If I had carried him into the kitchen and then put him down to attend to the microwave, I would have sent the signal that I did not want him to try to get affection from me at my work table. He would have wondered what I had brought him into the kitchen for.

He could have wondered a lot of things; none of which would be accurate. I like him to ask for affection. I always try to comply with his requests.

Tristan trusts me to walk around with him; because I never use it for anything bad (always bring the medicine to where they are, not the other way around) and also because I won’t be arbitrary about where I put him down. If I pick him up from the living room and put him down in the kitchen, it’s because I want him in the kitchen. Usually for a reason he is going to enjoy.

We think we are expressing love by picking them up, walking around, and putting them down where we happen to be when we lose interest. But instead, these kinds of moves communicate a lack of respect for their wishes.

It’s okay that they give us the benefit of the doubt, and simply conclude that we are clueless.

But we can do better.

Explore the different affection moves that use Petting in Place principles. See Cat Affection Move: The Standby, Cat Affection Move: Petting in Place, and Cat Affection Move: the Hug and Replace.

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