Recently many friends and family have been adding little babies to their homes. Only one of them owns indoor cats, but it did get me wondering how you can properly prepare your kitties for the arrival of a new human?

Dear Readers,

Preparing our cats for a new little human is an excellent idea!

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Of course our cats are going to be noticing the new stuff, the new room, the new intensity as we go about our routines. Let’s use this activity to our advantage so our cat will feel like they “got the memo.”

We’re thrilled. As with all times we present our cat with a new situation, our happy attitude will carry over. So we should not project any worries or stresses regarding how our cat will react to the baby.

They will love each other; when properly taught how to interact with each other. Here’s some tips on Cats and Small Children.

We’re preparing. This is the cat’s chance to explore the crib, car seat, or busy box without the child in it. Let them. We should react to the cat’s exploration of new items with joy and happiness.

Keep in mind that our cats don’t like surprises.

We’re relaxed. It’s wonderful to add a new life to our family. Don’t let “old wives tales,” or the people who tell them, make us second guess any of our choices.

There isn’t any reason to be apprehensive about cats and babies. See Cats & Expecting: The Mother of All Myths to see the most persistent myths about cats and babies debunked.

We’re rehearsing. This may feel a little funny to us, but go ahead and put a doll in the crib or the high chair. One that cries is even better. Then our cats won’t be surprised and startled by the real thing, or what we do in response.

To learn more about this fun training technique, see Train With Drama.

Some cats will hang out in the furthest reaches of the house until the baby gets older and understands “no grabbing!” Other cats will watch over the baby and summon us if they burp or make a bad smell. Either way, we should make the effort to include our cat as we all learn the new routines.

And we all enjoy the new baby.

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When I was a little girl, my cat didn’t mind being dressed in doll clothes. But I can’t imagine my present two dignified cat companions putting up with that. Did Morris really not mind?

Dear Readers,

It’s probable that Morris did mind. But not that much.

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The constant stream of cats in hats (and worse) which popup on people’s social media is actually a testament to how easygoing a cat can be; some of the cats, some of the time.

Because so many cats do, emphatically, mind wearing clothes; there is nothing in their genetic template or life experiences to lead them to ever ever conclude this is a life-enhancing activity.

However, there are also cats who are sufficiently mellow, and sufficiently trusting of their people, to submit to such temporary enhancements with good humor. It’s a simple rule: if the cat minds something, they will definitely let us know.

As evidence, I submit How to wrap a cat for Christmas:

Now she’s a cat who doesn’t mind.

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I am not actually owned by any cats, but I do get visited sometimes by a neighbour’s cat… [he likes]… to come over to me and ask to be petted (by nuzzling me, pawing me and bumping me with his nose), at which time he grabs my hand, which he puts in his mouth and gnaws on, whilst also scratching me with his front claws and bunny kicking with his back claws.

We have explained several times that The Nice Human is NOT a toy … we have substituted a toy made from a hessian bag (that he does the same thing to) in place of my poor tortured arm and hand. But apparently It Is Just Not The Same. When I remove my hand and make sure he knows that this behaviour is Not On because it HURTS he struts off in a Right Royal Sulk.

I am beginning to look like I engage in self harm, and want to stop this behaviour.

Any ideas?

Dear Readers,

There’s a lot going on with this kind of behavior. On both sides.

The writer is doing a lot of things right, such as conveying that “my hand is not a toy.” They’re not extending the hand as a toy, they are trying to pet the cat with it.

In turn, this cat is not trying to hurt anyone. He’s just seeing the hand as an offer of play. He’s actually paying this person a compliment… he is treating them like a littermate. When they indicate they “don’t want to play” he feels rejected.

This kind of tangled communication is bound to create hurt feelings on both sides.

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Here’s how to say the right things:

Provide play. If the cat wants play, let’s provide it! Tiring the cat out can be an important first step in getting to the petting.

In this case, the cat wants to wrestle, but this is not something they can provide. Some wand toy action is a good choice; it puts the hand in play, but not in danger. It tires out the cat without tiring the human.

We provide the cat what they need, and we also eliminate the over-excitement that leads to them being too enthused on our hand.

Offer calm. Since this cat is not living with his friend, there’s a certain amount of apprehension in this visit. They both have to establish ground rules quickly, and there’s less time for the Dance of Affection that we and our own cats create with each other.

The cat does not mean to be so rough on their friend’s hand; part of the over-reaction is the excitement of petting. Strong emotion needs to be expressed in an appropriate way; this cat is having trouble realizing that.

If the cat has been tired out, and have had a chance to express some of their happiness at their friend’s attention by leaping after the wand toy, the offer of the hand for petting is less overwhelming. The cat’s response will be more moderated.

What the hand says. Don’t make the classic mistake of extending our hand with all fingers spread. This is actually menacing; it looks like we are about to grab the cat. It can trip a defensive reaction, especially with a cat we are just getting to know.

Instead, indicate we want to pet by using the Fist of Friendship. Extend our fist, hold it motionless, and let the cat rub themselves upon it.

If we don’t move our hand, it is less of a tempting target. If we don’t extend our fingers, we don’t look threatening. If the cat gets to choose where the Fist of Friendship rubs them, we don’t wind up rubbing places, like their belly, that will trigger the “wrestle my littermate’s head” response.

If the cat tries to turn it into rough play, say “Ow ow ow,” withdraw our hand, and offer the hessian bag for wrestling. This is how we tell the cat our Fist of Friendship is only for petting; that the bag is for head-wrestling; that the wand toy is another way to play.

The cat wants fun with their friend. They want fun with this cat. When both sides of communication becomes clearer, we both know what we are actually saying.

This is how we both get what we want.

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It has been influenced by Calvinism and shaped by the ruggedness of early colonial living. It’s been encouraged by those who do not value human experience because they would rather exploit these efforts for their own selfish gains.

While it’s essential to have a purpose in life, I honestly do not believe that purpose is to become an unthinking biological cog whose only worthwhile attribute is the ability to physically work like a mule on steroids until dropping dead.

The only way to reinforce such a un-natural state is to ruthlessly undermine notions which conflict with it. Thus, we have cultural currents that demean both the intellect… and the emotions.

Which gets cats in trouble. Because they are shamelessly hedonistic.

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I have noticed that many people base their proclaimed dislike for cats in the cat’s ostensible “uselessness.” This is often triggered by the cat lying around doing nothing and obviously enjoying itself!

If such a sight leads to fist-clenching rage, the trouble does not lie in the cat. Rather, this is a symptom of psychological stress in the human.

To me, this speaks of a person who is constantly struggling to convince themselves that relaxation is overrated. It strongly indicates that they feel regard and love must be worked for.

How else to explain this inexplicably hostile reaction to another being who absolutely exemplifies these attitudes? Because cats do expect to be loved for themselves.

Even in terms of biological feedback, there is absolutely nothing wrong with pleasure-seeking. This is how Nature ensures we stay active, eat, and fool around; it feels good to be alive.

Likewise, cats are simply listening to their instincts when they find a comfortable spot to stretch in, observe from, and nap on. Nature tells them to keep limber, keep watch, and conserve their energy for when it’s needed.

And yes, they enjoy doing it.

It’s a real pet peeve of mine when grown men yell at toddlers to “Be a man!” or women judge everything in their lives by “how it looks” or pets get evaluated on their supposed “utility.” In each case, it’s looking around for a metric they want to claim they already excel in, arbitrarily deciding that this is the most important arena in all of life, and then declaring they have won by coming in first.

That’s kinda cheating, isn’t it?

I’ve become alert to these instances of cat prejudice, and interested in unraveling them, because I find it completely inexplicable that such a cute, cuddly, adorable, loving, and amusing pet choice can be regarded as a sneaky, untrustworthy, downright-evil and deservedly-maligned animal who also reflects badly on those who like this choice.

When, in fact, cats have developed into happily-spoiled house pets who now only ask, and give, love.

What does that say about me? I’ll gladly admit it:

Love is the most important thing in life.

Some people like to say But cats don’t do anything! Of course, they are wrong.

As always, I am indebted to my readers and commenters for post ideas. This one was sparked by this comment.

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There were men working with power tools and the receptionist desk was a table; the waiting room had lost many of its chairs. I didn’t want to disrupt the course of business by fussing over photography or asking that they be taken out of the big cage where they feel safe.

I have no doubt that this cat is Tristan’s mother; the resemblance, right down to the expression seen here, is strikingly familiar.

She has one other “Tristan Trait.” She’s a lovebug.

Both the vet and the receptionist exclaimed over her sweet nature, good care of her kittens, and instant friendliness.

This doesn’t only bode well for Mum getting a home. This is also a clear clue to how well her kittens will settle into their new role as beloved pets.

As seen above, even the “shy baby” of the bunch will relax near the bars, where the people are. They all allow cuddling even though he or she (that’s still a bit up for grabs as the vet is very busy) is frightened of the big changes that have occurred this week. While the mother cat was affectionate before and after her capture, allowing herself to be picked up, we couldn’t take her to the vet until the kittens were able to come along, too. They are about nine weeks old.

The other kitten, seen here, has such a sweet face too!

A previous batch of kittens the vet took care of was described by her as “extremely feral.” They would not be picked up, cried all the time, and reacted with defensiveness to any human overtures.

I’m happy to report that this batch is nothing like them. They like cuddling, though when fearful they try to worm into an handy armpit or pocket.

That’s a completely natural reaction to all the changes in their environment this week.

Knowing who their mother is, and how she reacts to humans, is a vital clue to socializing possibly feral kittens. While this batch does not have the instant friendliness of kittens raised “underfoot” in a good home, they are not that far off from that goal, because their mother is so friendly, and has been modeling happy behavior towards people as long as they can remember.

They are actually taking things in good stride. Because while we are one down, there are still three to go.

This little fellow, now tentatively named Pumpkin, has gone home to a wonderful family.

We didn’t even know if Pumpkin was a boy or a girl; my friend had seen the blurry picture on Facebook and fallen in love.

While I had gotten good reports of their behavior, I wasn’t sure myself.

When my friend cuddled him after his shots and worming (which he took very well!) the mayhem around him made his little ears fold flat against his head; a sign of apprehension.

I had just cautioned my friend that he was feeling nervous… when those little ears popped upright.

He’d decided to be curious, not worried. After all; he was being held by a human he now trusted.

My heart melted like a pat of butter. He’s going to be just fine.

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Jealousy is always a negative emotion. It springs from a lack of love; not an excess.

They demand more and more because the love is never actually touching them and working its reassuring power.

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We must redirect this raging anger (for anger is what it is) into a better appreciation of love and caring.

React to the cat’s displays properly. When we love another, and the cat shows aggression or distress, we must continue our attention to the other (the cat does not control us) while verbally assuring the cat that we still love them. We wait for a point when the cat is not showing bad behavior to transfer our attention to them.

And if we have to wait a while, we wait a while. If the cat runs off to sulk, let them. They will have to come up with new ways to gain our affection that does not involve driving away others.

The negative feedback the cat should get is not getting what they want. If the cat makes threatening motions toward the object of our affection, only then should we scold, or even spray some water in their general direction if the cat is actually being aggressive.

We encouraged this situation. Now, knowing better, we must discourage it.

Show the cat loving others does not diminish our love for them. This is the key concept the cat is not getting, and that we encouraged by indulging the jealousy. So continue our favorite ways of showing the cat we love them when we are alone, and initiate these favorite ways when others are around, too.

Alternating our attentions between everyone in the room plants the important notion that they get love, and so do others, and then the love comes back to them.

The cat’s successful campaign to drive away others will be collapsed if we do not let them do that any more.

Good policing is important. An insecure cat might bully others when our back is turned, and while our significant other might report it, our other cats cannot. We should monitor our jealous cat and look for signs they are taking their frustration out on the other cats, such as blocking the way to the litter box, acting up during mealtimes, or driving them away from their favorite spots.

Make a point of announcing that we are taking Insecure Cat into another room for some cuddling. This lets Insecure Cat not feel ignored, and lets the other cats do some business while they are being left alone.

Then, we have set the stage for our return. When Insecure Cat gets out with the others, he or she will feel momentarily secure and confident, and wish to build on that, in their dysfunctional way, by pushing around the other cats. Only now we are there to protect the other cats, scold Insecure Cat for bad behavior, and start our round robin of Everybody Gets Some Love!

By creating actions we can then react to, we have our chance to show what kind of behavior we wish to encourage.

Consider isolation. Sometimes all the cat needs is a few demonstrations that we can love others and them at the same time. Then they “get it.”

But if this dysfunction is deep-seated, it may take longer. If our Insecure Cat cannot take Others, we are doing them a favor by putting them in their own room while we are away from home. This lets the other cats enjoy themselves, and does not let Insecure Cat continue with their bad behavior when we are not there to put a stop to it.

If Insecure Cat feels lonely in their room, good! They are recognizing that they need Others. They can develop the realization that they could get attention and affection from those Others; if they were out there being a good Cat Citizen.

Upon our return, let Insecure Cat out after we have already greeted and fussed over the good Cat Citizens, or the other people in the house. Insecure Cat gets love in the right time; but they will get it.

As Insecure Cat develops the inner resources to recognize what love really is, they will moderate their behavior, and we can reduce and eliminate their time in isolation. They will learn that love actually grows when it is bestowed.

It is not zero-sum. It is infinite.

There is enough for everybody.

For more about how cats suffer from jealousy, see Do Cats Get Jealous?

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Now, I’ll be the first to admit I can be absent-minded. (My family and friends would be standing in line behind me.) But knowing this about myself, I had gotten a purse/wallet with a shoulder strap. This was so I could take only the wallet when I wanted to travel light; and not put it down anywhere, and lose track of it, if I did.

So I went back upstairs, and found my wallet on the floor of our hallway. With Tristan hugging it.

I feel as certain as I can be that he got the wallet out of my bag. I have a kind of totebag which normally reposes in the bedroom until I move it to the hallway prior to leaving for work, ready to be loaded with my lunch and whatever I need for errands that day. If something as bulky and heavy as my wallet had been hanging on the edge of my bag, waiting to fall out, even I would have noticed.

Did he pull it out on purpose to make me come back? I’m much less sure of that. I did my usual saying goodbye ritual, which is scooping him up and giving him kisses on his little striped head. He wasn’t holding the wallet then! Hearing my footsteps on the stairs could have given him a burst of excitement that he expressed by hugging something that smells strongly of me, as my wallet, handled daily, would.

I first brought up Tristan’s fascination with my purse on weekday mornings in Tristan develops object permanence. I have found his favorite baby toy in my bag.

It’s not so much on purpose as a juxtaposition of events in each case; Tristan hangs around my bag to feel close to me before I go, and he’s a kitten who is going to play with my things. Curiosity, opportunity, and attachment all combine to make Tristan and the stuff in my bag go together in very interesting ways.

The one thing that isn’t in question at all is how much Tristan loves me, and loves to express it. I don’t get all the credit; his very strong Ocicat resemblance means he’s an openly affectionate kind of cat. But I will take credit for not ruining this built-in advantage.

He’s now eleven months and ten pounds of striped, frosted, boy. He still has the narrow build of the young cat; so I’m sure he’ll bulk up and become even more muscular.

Even at one year, our cats are not done yet. At two years, Olwyn is actually getting some heft to her as she matures, and she’s less of an Oriental type than Tristan; she could keep going for another year. Reverend Jim didn’t stop until he was four years old. Tristan has those Shorthair genes; this will make him mature later than a purebred Siamese, for instance.

But in one very important way, he’ll stay a kitten for a long time. Olwyn had some kitten traits, but she mentally matured quite early. At only five months, she was already taking over from her mentor, James Bond.

While Tristan is still quite kittenish; Mr. WayofCats called it at six weeks, when he declared, “The goofball is strong with this one.” He’s right.

Like his predecessor, the famous uberAlpha, Ordell, Tristan will retain investigation, curiosity, and boundless energy even as he matures. Our original agreement with Ordell’s foster parent was that we would get him back “when he calmed down.” It’s only now, at age ten, that Ordell is showing the first glimmers of possibly doing so; in the future.

But that’s okay; we relinquished Ordell to a home that made him very happy many years ago. We learned a lesson; it’s unlikely that I’d “lean Alpha” again unless our circumstances changed.

That’s why it’s so nice Tristan dropped in our laps. Where he is determined to stay.

We rescued a tiny kitten, not knowing anything about him. See all my posts about Tristan.

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These are cats who are perpetually suspicious and hurt our feelings with their lack of trust.

Can we change the outlook of cats who always expect the worst to happen?

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Caution is a tendency all cats have. That is why their curiosity is such a powerful force; it is the counterbalance.

Our quest is helped by the fact that cats do want to be in a calm and happy state of mind. We do want to boost our cat’s confidence, because pessimistic cats are also anxious cats.

“We know that people’s emotional states affect their judgments; happy people are more likely to judge an ambiguous situation positively,” said Mike Mendl of the University of Bristol. “Now it seems that this may also apply to dogs; dogs that behaved anxiously when left alone also tended to judge ambiguous events negatively. Their anxious behavior may reflect an underlying negative emotional state.” Full article

So if we build up our cat’s ability to have positive control over their environment, we will brighten their whole outlook. This increases the chances that a situation they do not understand (which is most of them) will be interpreted positively. This will make them more likely to trust us, too. All of these roads lead to more affection, for everybody.

Here’s some tricks to try:

Make them powerful. When we give our cat chances to make things so, they will love to take advantage of these opportunities. This why I often let my cats declare it’s time for dinner, or treats, or play. Any indication from a shy cat, even a meeting of our eyes, is a chance; for me to leap up and declare myself ready to make them happy in some way.

Make them present. Cats who worry are constantly thinking of the future (where terrible things are going to happen) rather than the Now, which is not actively blowing up or otherwise making them miserable. Disconnecting them from their worrisome thoughts with gentle friendship overtures or pretending great puzzlement over one of their toys lets them think about something else for a change.

Make them certain. Create a soothing scenario that we repeat at known intervals, such as when entering or leaving the house, or at a certain time in the evening that can be signaled in some way. We can make even mundane care items on a cat’s agenda a cause for celebration if make a fuss over giving it, and supply it reliably.

Make them forgive. If we trip over them or startle them with a dropped object, do we pursue them under the bed with pleas for understanding and forgiveness? If not, why not? Our cat is not going to know we didn’t mean it, unless we tell them so, sincerely and repeatedly.

If we have a happy, secure cat, great!

If these areas could use some work… let’s do that work.

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However, none of this theory works in practice. Once we have established a good relationship with our cat, they love us and don’t want to upset us. Because they know we care about them, they can’t imagine that we would want to thwart their desires. So, despite what many people think, cats don’t misbehave to be “mean” or to show their independence.

When our cats do something we don’t want them to do, it’s not an emotional issue. It’s a communication issue.

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A cat’s instincts are still based on the rugged, independent, predatory living they hunted down in their ancestral desert home. In such a demanding environment, a cat’s wants and needs are perfectly aligned.

So when a cat wants to do something, they need to do something. It is important to their survival.

This attitude gets carried into our home. Where things are considerably different.

It’s understandable for us to get upset when our cat climbs the drapes or scratches the couch or pulls out the wires from the back of the television. But while we can teach our cats that this is not a good thing to do, our cats do not do these things to be “bad.”

When our cat climbs the drapes, they are reaching for a good lookout spot. When they scratch the corner of the couch, they are using a tree to sharpen their claws and tone up their muscles. When they wrestle with the wires under the entertainment center, they are fighting for their life in a pit of snakes.

So when we try to convey our distress with such behavior, our cats have no way of understanding why we wouldn’t want them to do these important tasks.

There is one instance when our cats do “misbehave on purpose.” This is when they do something that they know will attract our attention right away; we might be busy and ignore them being “good” but we cannot ignore them doing something “bad.”

But this is also an expression of our cats’ needs; they are saying they want affection and attention. Never, ever, say it’s just the cat wanting attention and using that as an excuse for not giving them any. If they ask for food, and their bowl is empty, we are neglectful if we do not fill their bowl.

Think of their heart the same way.

This is where care and training intersect to become indistinguishable from each other. We can show our cat we care by providing what they need. We can train our cat not to misbehave by providing what they need.

We cover both bases with a good scratching post instead of the couch, a place to climb that is not the drapes, and toys which will duplicate the experience they are seeking.

Our cats want to be “good” boys and girls. They only need a bit of help.

For more, see Do Cats Feel Guilt? and When Cats Annoy.

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Now, he’s starting to give hints about what he’ll look like as an adult. One thing we notice is how he’s got a lot of Shorthair; see all the roundnesses in his face?

One more indicator of the Ocicat influence; it’s unusual to have a kitten who has a stage where he’s very long and lean; and then come up with a Shorthair face.

At this point, our “dill pickle spear” is becoming a whole Kosher dill.

Where once he was as elongated as a charcoal sketch, he’s now bulking up and developing a far more muscular profile. This has nothing to do with how we raised him, though we have been shoveling plenty of food his way lately. This is his genetics working; we can only impede them, or max them out.

We can’t change them.

Tristan’s previous tendencies towards social ability, seeking reassurance, and sticking close to the humans could have been standard kitten stages. Except that he’s still like that.

While we enjoy and encourage this side of him (unless he has a yearning to be intensely social at three in the morning) we didn’t create it.

This is an area many people have trouble grasping; they often don’t want “other people’s problems” by adopting a cat in a shelter, yet adopting a cat as a kitten will not let them mold any cat they want from such tiny beginnings.

This keeps cats in the shelter; and makes people frustrated with their kittens.

So there are two angles to getting a cat we like, and who likes us.

There’s the choosing, where we make the effort to discover what a cat has in the way of intrinsic, unchangeable, tendencies.

There’s also the socialization, when we show our cat we want to be friends.

Once upon a time, I would had to wait until he was asleep to get a shot like this. But he actually sits still once in a while… without being worn out first.

That’s a sign of approaching maturity. But as they say: Please, not yet!

We rescued a tiny kitten, not knowing anything about him. See all my posts about Tristan.

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There’s more to raising and training a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CAT TRAINING TIPS.