Cats love boxes and under the bed and back of the closet because of their mental resemblance to easily defended, makes-us-feel-protected, forts.

We can use this “mental resemblance” to signal our cats what is off limits… and when.

Because that can change.

Cats don’t understand the distinction. Any space left neglected, from a little-used formal dining room to the ignored storage areas, can beckon our cat. It is very difficult to convince a cat this space is vitally needed! and never to be used! because those two things don’t go together very well in our cat’s mind.

We also need space for the cat to “own” and we might not have sufficient spare room to isolate for every need. Sharing the space is a viable alternative; if we do it right.

Here is a festive buffet to fortify a group of friends before they head for the corn maze.

Cats are not welcome here.

I don’t use my dining room table most of the time.

How do I keep the cats off it?

It’s simple. I don’t.

I don’t chase my cats off the dining room table for those times I’m not using it as a dining room table. When I’m using it as a dining room table, as seen above, it looks very different than it does when I’m not.

The tablecloth inhibits jumping by cutting off their field of view, and providing a different looking surface than the soft, bumpy, blankets I use to signal the cats it’s okay to hang out here.

When I’m not using the dining room table, cats sleep on the blankets which cover it. These are more easily washed, and more attractive to the cats, and more protective, than the tablecloth. I put tablecloths on the table, and tall items or stacks of plates to signal my cats they are not to jump on the table… now.

So when they are not on there, the cats are not, either.

Instead of finding a sweet spot to hang out, getting on this new and changed table will get a cat a scolding and maybe even a time out. So they won’t get on it.

It no longer gives back the response they want.

It has changed.

And so, to cats, its purpose has changed.

Since the dining room table overlooks the second favorite window and the cat tree and is close to my writing desk; it is going to be a place cats want to sit on. And since, ninety percent of the time, I am not using it for any other purpose; and would then use it for a purpose involving it being cleaned, anyway, that I see no reason to deprive all of us of its use.

People set their table as though company is imminent and expect the cat to stay off when company never comes (in the cat’s mind.) So we should share by signaling when we want the table; and it will be our turn, then.

We can help this transition process along by clearly signaling the different looks, and boundaries, that our cats need to distinguish. Cats love to deal with changing territory, and divergent distinctions. They are bright and need such puzzles.

But they cannot play if they do not know the rules.

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By instinct, dogs obey those higher up in their pack hierarchy. That would be we humans.

And, it should also be the cat.

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Dogs get themselves in trouble when they think they are in charge; and no one else does. This is how they exhibit aggressive, destructive, and confused behaviors that drive their people to despair.

This same dynamic is the key to cat/dog conflicts. While the humans may actually have the Pack Leader position in certain areas, this authority always needs to be exerted on the cat’s behalf.

Without such intervention the dog, having never been told otherwise, assumes the cat is lower down on the authority ladder. Then they expect the cat to act like an obedient dog. When this does not happen, the cat is disciplined with methods designed for dogs.

Mayhem ensues.

Some dogs have a personality that does not cause such problems. They can be naturally subservient, and have no interest in dominating anybody. Other dogs can be sensitive enough to figure out when cats want to be left alone, and which playful behaviors will be actually seen as play.

But when we have a dog with a strong drive to dominate, they test these boundaries constantly. We must convey to them the behavior we expect regarding our cats. They need to know how to behave, and what we expect of them.

This can also happen with a dog who is not necessarily trying to dominate the cat; they are simply too boisterous in their play, or unthinking in how they apply it. Without guidance, they can easily go too far. Dogs who love to chase often enjoy running after a cat, and then their own prey instincts block them from understanding a cat’s desperate, and dangerous, feedback.

This is often the result of humans mistakenly thinking they should “let the animals work it out.” That’s like letting our toddler and an anaconda “work it out.”

They will. We won’t like the results.

So the result of this neglect will be, at best, our cats will be forced to skulk around the edges of things, unable to make friends, or even relax. At worst, it’s a big vet bill, or sometimes one less cat.

All this trouble is so easily avoided if we let our dog know what is acceptable and what is not. Teaching our puppy manners, keeping our dog on a leash during the introductory period, and quickly ending bad behavior will go a long way towards letting our dog be friends with our cat.

Don’t believe people who will try to claim certain breeds won’t get along with cats, or are naturally aggressive, or are simply acting on instinct and can’t be trained. These are excuses for laziness and avoiding real obedience work with their dog.

I had a Malamute mix and an Elkhound mix; both dogs with hunting backgrounds with strong prey drives. Both of them were wonderful dogs with our many cats, because I expected it of them, and I let them know. Once they saw the cats as part of the family, their protective instincts kicked in; not their predatory ones.

Mutual respect is the process that will mold all these disparate species into one family.

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Should we not get a cat, or a dog, because we already have one or the other?

It really depends; on the cat, and the dog.

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Once a dog and cat have respect for each other, and know what to expect from each other, they can become happy companions. But how they get there is the tricky part. We must always police their interactions, and make our wishes known, until they achieve harmony.

There are different scenarios that will affect the ease and closeness of our inter-pet relationships.

Experienced dog with any age of cat. Dogs who already know how to treat cats will make friends fast. Whether it’s ignoring the kitten bouncing on their back or letting the older cat go through the doorway first, dogs who know cats have learned the right way to handle their own impulses.

Mature dogs with cat experience are also excellent teachers to the new puppy in the home. The best way for a new puppy to learn is from an older dog. If we have a dog comfortable with “mentoring” we will be astonished at how quickly our puppy picks up good manners.

Puppy with experienced cat. The dog end of the friendship needs the most restraint, simply because of their bigger size and their love of physical rowdiness. So teaching puppies how to treat their cat friends becomes just another set of skills we want to impart to our puppy.

Just as we expect our puppy to treat small children or the fragile elderly with care and politeness, so we can convey the same gentleness when it comes to our cat. This task becomes even easier when the cat is more than capable of reminding the puppy when they are misbehaving.

Puppy growing up with kitten. The responsibility of backing up our cat is even more important when our cat is a kitten, unable to assert themselves, or to know when they should. Most of the time, these two clueless creatures should be kept apart unless they can be closely supervised. If someone gets frightened, there will be an over-reaction.

However, if we handle their interactions properly, we will see our two babies grow up with mutual respect and closeness, which will help them in future friendships. A puppy’s first reaction is always going to treat the other being as a dog; learning the difference will create a wonderful canine citizen.

For almost two decades, I had lots of cats, and many dogs. Each new addition learned from the older, and wiser, animals in my home. I insisted upon it.

Because that’s what made everyone happy.

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And so are we.

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One of the advantages of cats as pets is how they come with their own instruction manual. Cats know what they want, which is based on what they need, and they are all too happy to convey their wishes to their humans. Since we have our own needs and wishes, we also need ways of conveying these concepts to our cat.

Especially when there’s a conflict.

Many people believe they cannot train cats anyway, but then they deal with these conflicting wishes by making sure they and their cats cross paths as little as possible. They will avoid litter difficulties by shoving the cat outdoors. They handle inappropriate scratching by restricting cats to the porch or garage. If the cat is bothering them they will isolate themselves in another room.

I don’t see the point of having a cat, then. For maximum enjoyment, we want ourselves and our loving companion to be spending as much time as possible together.

Our cat is happy to change to please us if only two conditions are met:

Their needs are taken care of

and

They know what we want from them

When our cat picks the wrong place for bathroom needs, or scratches the wrong thing, or wails in the night, it is often our fault. We need to be flexible about trying something different from what we are doing now if our cat shows signs of distress. Something about this is not working, no matter how benign our intentions towards our cat.

Remember, one of our cat’s needs is a strong bond between human and cat.

That is what will help them see our attempts as the good-hearted gestures they are.

The last thing we should do is avoid, ignore, or chase away our cat. They will be left alone to make their own sad conclusions about our behavior. They will probably think we don’t love them any more. As long as we do love them, we must be open to thinking the best of their motives.

This is how we make this river flow both ways.

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My new boyfriend teases my cat. My cat is so sweet with me, but [she's] starting to hate him!

Dear Readers,

This is such a common problem. There are many possible reasons.

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Clueless Human. This is probably the most common source of problems, and the most easily fixable.

Ironically, the more the New Love Interest likes the Cat Appreciator, the harder they will try; and this will make things worse, as in this post, Dear Pammy, Where did I go wrong? This is an example of someone who at least figured out he was doing the wrong thing, and asked for help, which is a good sign of someone who really cares.

Sometimes, the Cat Appreciator is also the Clueless Human. They made friends with their cat through a reflexive process which worked for them, but they cannot teach others because they aren’t sure what they did in the first place. Add in their own worries about being “bossy” or coming on too strong in the early stages of a relationship, and they can only stand by helplessly.

The two people involved can work together to solve the Clueless Human problem, with the skills in Making Friends with a Friend’s Cat.

But if our New Love Interest does not respond to a “new skills” offer, what else might be going on here?

Social Anxiety. This New Love Interest problem knows no boundaries of age, experience, or orientation. But there are gender differences, because of culture expectations.

Men can feel they must always act like they are in charge and infallible. This is the security blanket they will reach for when they are insecure. In such a mental state, a man is not going to listen to even the most kindly offered advice.

A woman feels the same pressure to ingratiate herself into the the New Love Interest’s household, right down to the cat. But in her case, society has taught that she is supposed to be the one who makes everyone feel comfortable and get along. Rejection might hurt her “feminine side” as much as failure can jab a man’s “masculine side.”

And, of course, we all have both sides.

For anyone, failure to “make friends” can make us feel unlovable, which is no way to feel while we are dating. The tips in Helping Cats Cope with Guests are designed to let cats proceed at their own pace.

It is our responsibility, in any relationship, to state our preferences. Despite our own desire to be accommodating to our New Love Interest, it is in everyone’s best interest to relieve the pressure by declaring the cat uninterested and off limits.

Why deal with an unnecessary, and damaging, source of tension?

Dog Expectations. Any dating person would like to ingratiate themselves with New Love Interest by becoming friends with their pet. Unlike a dog, for whom just being alive is enough, cats are slow to warm up and careful about proceeding. Some people do not realize this difference, and will persist in treating the cat as though they were a slightly stupid dog.

Such people are used to the way a dog will come and interact with no encouragement at all. So they drag the cat from their hiding place to “play” with them and hold the cat forcibly to “pet” them, all in the expectation that if they just keep trying, the cat will “get it.”

Such people, used to roughousing with dogs, will maintain that the cat likes the teasing because they will not back off. However, a cat with an image to maintain can’t back off because it will make them look weak. In the cat’s point of view, this will invite even more teasing. Also, a cat knows turning tail to run will leave them vulnerable to an attack from the rear. Cats will only run away when they feel they have enough of a head start to get away.

To respond to such behavior, we can remind them that “a cat is not a dog,” explain how cats really feel about teasing, and reassure them the cat doesn’t mind being ignored.

This is a subject where we know more than they do; if they refuse to acknowledge this obvious fact, it’s a bad sign.

Bad Intentions. What if our New Love Interest persists in poor cat interaction despite our good advice, unhappy reaction, and stated wishes?

I can only answer with, Then there’s something wrong with them.

I know this can be a controversial answer. Don’t such ultimatums mean we are fussing too much over a pet? What about the argument that it is “only a cat”? Should such a stand really be the bridge we burn to end a relationship?

Such responses are completely mistaken, because this isn’t about how the New Love Interest treats our cat. It’s really about how the New Love Interest is treating us.

We should shift our lens a bit, in which we view the relationship as “so lovely except for the way they treat our cat,” and instead consider how the New Love Interest responds to other instances where we offered advice, stated our preferences, and showed we were upset.

We might be shocked and surprised to discover that this isn’t a cat problem.

It’s a problem.

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But our indulgence should not extend so far that we ruin the cat.

Letting the cat do whatever they want could have consequences if the cat is being aggressive towards others.

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If we allow our cat to swat us to have the couch to themselves, or chase other cats away from what should be shared things, we are creating a monster.

It usually starts when the kitten is cute, and we laugh it off. “Oh, what a little tiger!” We should always let the cat know their teeth and claws hurt us, by the simple acts of whimpering, saying “Ow!” or putting the cat in another room for a solitary time out.

Some cats are quick to realize they are hurting us, and will moderate their play right away. Others, who might have had poor socialization, need us to teach them what compassion and affection means, by consistently and quietly showing them their aggression will not get them what they want.

Roughhousing is a great way to create an aggressive cat. We should always be gentle with our cats, whatever their size and age, and let their toys be their outlet for high energy. People who are used to dogs often make this mistake, since dogs routinely like rowdy play.

But if we watch cats playing, we see it’s not a brute force exercise. Among themselves, cats wrestle, and moderate their biting and scratching. Cats who are enjoying themselves play silently. Any vocalization from the cats means it’s no longer play; someone is getting too rough.

If cats get out of hand, with us or with other animals, we must let them know this is not acceptable, and also that it is not a good strategy to get what they want.

We can’t use aggression ourselves, because this would undercut our message.

If cat play gets vocal, we can use a firm, but not loud, tone of voice, telling them to break it up, which the victim is all too glad to do. We can pick out the potential bully by noticing which cat is reluctant to stop.

Bullying is a sign of immature coping skills. A cat who is frustrated or feels thwarted does not know any other way of getting their way except to keep going after it.

It is a common thought process in kittens, who don’t know any better and can’t put brakes on their own behavior. This is why raising kittens with a lot of affection, and a lot of guidance, will shape a cat who can pick up on disapproval and unhappiness in those around them; and try to not to trigger such negative emotions.

Which is why it is so important that we firmly indicate the bounds of acceptable behavior at all times, no matter how cute it might seem.

The cat who persists in aggression should get scolded, given a time out, or, if these don’t work, a blast of air from an air can. This allows us to hiss at the cat safely, and is a message in their language.

Whether we get the cat as a kitten, or take in an adult cat, they can pick up poor coping skills if we ignore their expressions of these bad strategies. Everyone in our house is supposed to respect others. That includes the cats.

That includes us.

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There’s the mad dash across the table, either alone or in a game of chase.

But there’s also our own actions that can get stuff broken.

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In our case, we can sin by omission, such as leaving our most treasured and delicate objects in clear activity paths.

All by itself in the middle of a table? Tempting target.

Tucked into an doored bookcase? Call it safe.

But we might not realize we can also sin by commission when we trigger a panicked reaction in the cat. When we see them sitting quietly in the middle of our Hummel collection, what is our first reaction?

That might be what does the damage.

One of the things cats acquire as they mature is the quality of self-control. Combined with their considerable skills in agility, this lets the cats insinuate themselves into any number of places we might not want them to be in. What should our reaction be?

Most of the time, acting panicked ourselves will panic the cat. And what is the cat’s reaction to panic? Leaving the scene as fast as possible.

This isn’t usually best for the scene.

To have both cats and tschotkes means we must commit to giving both what they need. Our knicknacks want to be displayed where we can enjoy them, and our cats want good perches and lookout points. Often, this will be the same place.

I don’t have many precious breakables, but the ones I do have are in doored bookcases or stored away until I get another doored bookcase. Having cats is one factor in this lifestyle, and my own clumsiness is another. We can protect our nerves by displaying our treasures out of harm’s way, and the upside is they require less dusting that way.

When we might find cats in delicate circumstances, such as curled up among our computer wires, it can be tempting to make a big noisy fuss so the cat won’t hang out there anymore. There are two drawbacks to this approach.

We can have nice things, and nice cats.

Just not in the same place, at the same time.

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Except cats don’t have pack behavior.

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Cats have social guidelines, attitude rituals, and friendship criteria. They have cats they find annoying, cats they get along with, and cats they regard as buddies. There are cats who want things very much and there are cats who are laid back.

But none of this is pack behavior, and none of it conforms to pack rules.

Dogs are pack animals. We can tell because they have buttons. A knowledgeable and confident dog person like Cesar Millan, the “Dog Whisperer,” can press their buttons and do amazing things based on his knowledge and understanding of dogs. I admire him very much.

But he can’t do that with cats. I can’t do that with cats. No one can do that with cats.

Because cats don’t have buttons.

Lions have “prides,” consisting of a few dominant males and a larger number of females. They are a cooperative structure. That’s the closest thing we can find to a pack in the entire feline kingdom. And it’s not a pack.

The dangers of trying to treat our multiple cats as a pack is that a) it won’t work, and b) it will create tensions and expectations in our cats that will be detrimental to the smooth functioning of our household. What domestic cats have, in the home, kept as pets, is a civilization.

Every dog pack has slots that keep it basically the same. Every cat civilization is independently created from the personalities of the cats, and each one is different.

Cats hang with each other, or not, depending on how much they get along with the other cat. Cats harass or cooperate with other cats depending on what each of them wants and what the other cat is willing to go along with.

The leverage we have is providing unpleasant consequences for behavior we don’t like, and pleasant consequences for behavior we want to encourage. That’s all. Cats are not going to obey us because we are strong leaders, or because they are afraid of us, or because we demand it of them.

Cats do what they want to do. Always.

What we might mistake for dominance is simply a cat who wants the high shelf more than the other cats. What we think is battling for alpha status is simply a cat who wants to be friends, and is frustrated by a cat who is rebuffing their overtures. What we might regard as our lowest status cat is simply a cat who dislikes a lot of confrontation, and avoids it of their own choice.

We have to make a space for each kind of cat.

Pack behavior does not exist in cats, and cannot be used as a management tool. We do the cats a disservice if we think they are working things out on their own. What we will get is a hodgepodge of bad behaviors which pleases no one.

We may not have the status or the instant obedience that would come as Pack Leader. But, as people with cats, we do have the responsibility to make every cat welcome in our home. We can and should stop cat bullying, draw out the shy ones, and make sure every cat gets the attention they want, in the way that they want it.

We are the Boss of Cat Town. Everyone can do what they want, as long as they don’t interfere too much with other cats doing the same thing. Then we can do what we want, which is to enjoy our cats as individuals.

Each and every one of them.

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As humans, we have the power, the knowledge, and the motivation to make sure every cat gets what they need. Sometimes, what they need is for us to step in. This will ensure they are treated with fairness and consideration by the other cats.

We are the Boss of Cat Town.

Proper policing is as much a matter of avoiding disputes as it is dealing with them when they appear. If we don’t allow a particular cat to hog the food or drive other cats away from prime spots, we won’t have to deal with the other cat’s stress over having their food and nap spots being a source of anxiety, instead of being a source of pleasure.

This will encourage the obnoxious cat to create new behaviors to get what they want. This will reassure the timid cats that they are equally important, and has a nice side benefit of helping them hold their own.

Timid cats truly benefit from their people backing them up. We can’t “leave it up to the cats” because this will create imbalances in the cat’s relationships. Timid ones will be better able to assert themselves if they feel this is what we want them to do. Leaving them alone to fight their own battles will not build their character; it will make them think we want them to be bullied, so they will be more likely to give in.

Reminding the more assertive cats that we want them to get along will encourage them not to throw their weight around. They want to please us, after all; our ignoring the bullying will just let them feel bullying is something we don’t mind. And, after all, we do mind.

We don’t need to be bullies ourselves to accomplish our goals. Putting the offending cat into a time out, making them eat alone in a room, or moving them out of a spot we know they’ve nudged another cat out of to get; these are all ways we can make our wishes known without being mean or frightening. Cats will respond to appeals to their better nature, once they know what is expected of them.

We can also avoid conflict by making sure there is enough for everyone. Separate dishes and separate spaces at mealtime won’t let anyone feel threatened. Widen out preferred spots so everyone can enjoy them if they share. Make the effort to draw in quiet ones during playtime, or make sure we include them before playtime is over.

This is how everyone feels treasured, and in turn, affectionate.

This is how we make a Happy Town.

For more about enjoying cats in bunches, see all my posts on Cat Civilization.

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