While they can walk, eat, and eliminate on their own around four weeks of age, this is only the beginning. Mom, and littermates, are supposed to teach a lot more things to the baby kitten.

When a kitten is not “raised by cats” this can be a kitten who hasn’t yet learned how to get along with others.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

Here are some of the problem areas, and what to do about them:

Rough play. When a kitten doesn’t get the right feedback from their playmates, they will not know they are hurting. Littermates squeal, withdraw, and shun the offender. That’s what we should do.

Don’t get rough ourselves; this is not what we want to teach our kitten.

We must model the behavior we want to get back.

This is where humans often go wrong, and respond to roughness with roughness. This teaches the wrong things. We want to teach “you hurt me,” not “I’ll hurt you back!”

Not learning “no.” Humans can take a lifetime to cope with their wills being thwarted. Cats have the same challenge.

Nature meant to provide our kittens with early interactions with Mom and siblings; all speaking the same language, all littermates at the same age level. This helps a kitten build the mental structures that let them cope with frustration.

Other cats will model the right reactions; from diverting to another interest to soothing self-grooming. This helps the kitten realize they can try them, too.

Without other cats to show them the ropes, we need to be especially proactive with our kitten. Have plenty of toys handy to distract them from what they shouldn’t play with. Be quick with sweet talk and simple petting when our kitten is doing something right.

Recognition of other beings. A general lack of social skills can plague an otherwise delightful cat relationship. This is something a cat can learn later, but will require more input from those around them.

The complex ways of developing empathy works most easily when a kitten is raised with gentleness and understanding. It is believed that empathy develops when recognizing another’s emotional state activates parts of our own brain, which mirrors that same emotional state for us. So we can literally “feel another’s pain.”

However, we prefer feeling happy. So do our kitties. So creating “happy states” with our kittens will be the best way to help them understand others.

Then, they know how to get along with them.

For more about the special needs of the very young kitten, see Tiny Tigers.

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“That’s true,” I said. “But he’ll always be my baby.”

As seen here, we would really have to stretch our definition of “kitten” to accommodate Tristan as he is today. At sixteen months and almost 12 pounds, he’s longer than RJ, and takes up almost as much room.

He no longer looks like he’s made of tape and pipe cleaners, which had led to his nickname of “my little dill pickle spear.” He’s getting much more rounded and muscular, with a neck as wide as his head and powerful hindquarters we get to see in action quite a lot of the time.

While he doesn’t take on the caretaking roles so beloved of our Supervisors, James Bond and his protege Olwyn, he’s more linked to our daily routines than Reverend Jim. When Mr WayofCats works at his craft table, or I’m at my desk writing, Tristan makes a point of finding a way to be a part of it, even if he’s restricted to passive observing.

Please, Tristan, be a passive observer, is our way of reminding him where our boundaries lie. He is starting to understand what I mean when I tell him that.

Of course, fostering him since the age of three weeks means we will always have that memory of him as a teeny-tiny morsel of catness.

Being an Alpha, he’s going to stay playful and lively, as I explain in Tristan, forever young.

To this day, we cannot play Villain Hands with Tristan. Even Reverend Jim, environmentally deprived and slow to puzzle out certain things, understood the game of Villain Hands. While Tristan simply sees the hands approaching, perks up, and waits to be petted.

Boundaries is the concept Tristan handles in a way which ensures he will always be “my baby.”

It’s a kitten trait to show no signs of being fussy about their boundaries. This works well for kittens at the stage they let anyone pick them up, fall asleep in any lap, or make friends with any cat.

James Bond (at left, top) was born dignified. He never had this kitten trait; and it interfered with him getting a home. Reverend Jim (at left, on left) has become dignified. He never did like being held like an infant. He is highly pleased that he can choose the times and places he melts all over us.

Tristan doesn’t care about dignity. He shows no signs he is ever going to care about developing this important cat trait.

He will assume all kinds of silly postures and doesn’t care who sees him doing it. He loves being cradled upside down, like a baby. He lies on the floor and begs us to kiss his belly. When we do, he never attacks our head or gets overstimulated.

Because of his unique combination of early socialization and innate personality traits, Tristan not only avoided a feral existence; he became the inverse of it. He is the cat version of a human infant’s perfect trust.

We can raise our kitten with respect and love, or foster a kitten from their “furry slug” stage, and still wind up with a highly dignified cat. Conversely, we can go to the shelter or take in a stray and discover a cat who was abandoned by people but still manages to hang onto enough love and trust to relax in our home. The most unexpected of cats can become the “cat baby” we long for; once we show them we are the lovable and trustable human they should have had all along.

They can be any type, any breed, or any combination of breeds. They can overcome bad experiences. They can even come from a feral background. I’ve gotten them tiny and I’ve gotten them grown, from the shelter or off the streets.

Still, I cannot guarantee any cat will develop into such a one. RJ reached out with sweet desperation, while Olwyn was a reserved observer. RJ never liked being held like an infant, while Olwyn loves being “babied” by Mr WayofCats… provided no one else but me might see it.

I’ve had cats like this who melted at my first touch. I’ve also had cats like this who were suspicious and careful; at first. As with so much else in life, it’s not any one thing; it’s the way all the puzzle pieces fit together.

In the end, I simply give every cat what what they need, and remain content to help them be the cat they were meant to be.

Whoever that cat winds up being.

We rescued a tiny kitten, not knowing anything about him. See all my posts about Tristan.

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my kitten wants to wrestle the other cats all day

Dear Readers,

Yes. Of course they do.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

This is one of the more popular ways cats play. No one plays more than a kitten does. Whether it’s with their littermates or our ankles, a popular toy or a forbidden object, mindlessly attacking any vague approximation of future prey is what kittens do.

They endlessly rehearse hunting behavior.

This is why one of the most dismaying experiences of our delightful new kitten comes when they bite and scratch our hand. Fortunately, this is our fault.

I say “fortunately” because we can far more easily modify our own behavior than that of our kitten, who is mostly unthinking instinct. It isn’t until the developmental period of adolescence, several months down the road, that kittens develop the ability to think for more than mere minutes at a time.

If we interpret everything kittens do in this lens of “hunting practice” we will be able to maximise our interactions with our kittens for both teaching and enjoyment.

For unnecessary roughness, we can let our kitten know we’re injured by making sad, whimpery noises and letting the hand sag as we pull it away. To invite play, we can gently bonk them on the shoulder. To show friendliness, we can “lead with our forehead” to gently touch theirs.

These are all ways cats communicate with Momma Cat and their littermates. Our kitten doesn’t want to hurt or harass anyone. But they can’t moderate their behavior until they get the proper feedback that there is something wrong.

Other cats are the best sources of proper feedback. But if our kitten did not get enough littermate play, or enough Mama Cat messages, during the prime time to learn this… they won’t learn it.

Then, we have to teach it to them.

The key to kitten training is knowing their attention span.

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Alpha cats are known for keeping their “kitten qualities” long after their bodies have matured.

Certainly, at 14 months and eleven pounds, many people would not think Tristan qualifies as a kitten. Yet, in many ways, he still is.

He has learned some self-control, internalized the house rules, and struggles to live up to the expectations he now understands are being placed upon him.

He’s also still very dependent.

He knows he’s not supposed to wake us up too early in the morning. So now, instead of bouncing off the walls, he creeps up to the side of the bed and makes sadandlonely sounds. This is my cue to stick a hand out from under the covers so he can pet himself with it. Now reassured that he’s not the only living creature left on earth, he curls up in the curve of my knees and puts himself down for a nap.

A great improvement over his four month old state… but not quite a mature response, either. But he’s a high energy cat; this impulsive, lively, curious state will not moderate any time soon.

Baby cats have built in appeal, as seen here, in this picture of Tristan at only four weeks of age.

Yet we wouldn’t want them to stay like that forever. Plucking them off drapes and fishing them out from behind the television are tasks we don’t find cute.

A cat who never learns anything would wear out their welcome, no matter how adorable they are.

That’s our “best of both worlds” situation with Tristan right now. He’s not just a bumbling little noodlehead, followed around the house by Olwyn and Reverend Jim to make sure he’s not getting into trouble. But he still has enough curiosity and impulsivity to add a little Kitten into our lives.

I’m probably different from most people in my breadth of regarding “kitten ages.”

I think of the Young Cat as between one and three years of age, and as a prime adoptable time.

We often think that the tinier the kitten, the bigger our influence. This isn’t always so. Their famously tiny attention span means we aren’t being nearly the influence we think we are.

Currently Maturing Cats, like Tristan, combine a lot of learning and growing with the mental abilities to handle feedback and formulate strategies.

Our kitten is still growing… they haven’t “set” yet.

Read more about teen-aged cats.

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how to discipline a naughty kitten that keeps coming back for more

Every verb and adjective points to a dangerously wrong thought pattern.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

Improving the way we think about our cat improves our ability to convey what we want.

discipline: “Teach” is a word with more understanding of the process.This is one of the most misunderstood words in the English language, because the point of discipline is to instill some.

Kittens don’t have the concentration or storage capacity to truly decide much of anything. That’s why patience, and kitten proofing, will give us far less trouble than trying to force proper thoughts into a tiny, clueless, head.

naughty: This word implies it is on purpose, and that the kitten knows is wrong. Kittens do test us, but we will not respond well when we think so and attribute malice to their actions.

Kittens test boundaries all the time; we all learn that way. It is both our natures to do so.

keeps coming back for more: More what? Kittens don’t keep coming back for more “discipline.” No one does.

Kittens keep coming back because they need what it is. The fact that we can’t make them stop asking means they haven’t gotten it yet.

This entire phrase means that this kitten approach is doomed to be more antagonistic than it needs to be, with poor results that will result in hurt feelings on both sides.

Any kind of coercion will destroy the trust we are building. Without that, our cats will not have as much motivation to modify their behavior. When cats relax, they can be more flexible about how their needs are met.

Our cats aren’t “bad.” And our kittens don’t mean to upset us. When we misunderstand what our cat is doing, we will not be able to convey what we would prefer. We will then make less sense to our cat.

Without this important area of co-operation, our bridge to each other doesn’t get built. We need to think of our cat in ways that are not about teasing or in a frame that invites defensive reactions.

Thinking the best of each other’s motives provides the support love needs.

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We adore our little caramel cake (for his stripes) our little dill pickle spear (for his spots) and our little looney toon (for his cartoonishly elongated body and his wacky behavior.)

Despite him being an Alpha. Because he’s an Alpha. But mostly, because he’s Tristan.

On Tristan’s very first evening with us, Mr WayofCats confided his hunch that this little morsel would turn out to be A Special Boy of Mine. He turned out to be right; only not in the way he thought. Tristan loves everyone.

Here’s how it all started: the picture from my friend’s cellphone of the tiny kitten she had found in a field.

Tristan and I had a moment the other morning. I’d needed to run the recyclables downstairs, and then out to the curb. I closed the apartment door; even though I knew Tristan had already gotten out into the rest of the old house. (We live in a very cold climate; so both entrances to the house have “airlocks” to keep the heat in. No one lets him out.)

When I came back up the stairs, he was a slumped lump on the second floor landing, looking up at our closed apartment door, thinking he had missed his chance to get back in before I went to work. (This is why, if he gets out, I make sure he’s back in before I leave.)

When he saw I had come back for him, he did a little song and dance and wanted a quick cuddle before he remembered he was grown up, and insisted on walking into the apartment under his own power.

No question that he’s been a bit of a wild ride. Twice before I had been careful to not get a rowdy kitten, one who would shake up our household and cause trouble. Reverend Jim, and then Olwyn, had fitted into our existing Cat Civilization like the right puzzle pieces.

While Tristan made friends easily, he tested James Bond’s patience and exasperated Olwyn plenty of times. We struggled to wear him out before we got the cat tree. There was a stretch of back and forth training before he could reliably sleep through the night. He got so sad and lonely when everyone else was asleep.

His driving curiosity, bottomless invention, and manual dexterity challenges our kitten raising to the maximum. Yet here we all are; still together.

It would have been easier raising Tristan in a bigger place, where we could wear him out without so much effort. It would have been smoother if we didn’t have a senior cat we had to make sure didn’t get harassed, or if we had another Alpha kitten who could match his high spirits. It would have been quieter all around if we’d stuck with Beta and Gamma cats.

But then we’d have missed out on all the love and amusement.

Tristan makes friendship gestures with every being who appears in our household. He nurtures these bonds every chance he gets. He has times and places to touch base with everyone; from the morning/afternoon dignified greetings with James Bond to the frequent consultation and companionship he offers Mr WayofCats. I get pouty-missed in the mornings and blinky-from-a-nap-greeted when I come home.

Any kitten cravings we might have are still being taken care of; because in many ways, Tristan still hasn’t grown up, and won’t for quite some time. He’s still full of energy, still a scamp, and still enjoys the times we kiss that striped belly and his scarab forehead and hug him with extravagant cuddles.

Many kittens moderate their tolerance for such antics as they get older.

Not Tristan. Tristan still loves it.

So do we.

For more about the different kinds of cats to choose from, see my Cat Types page.

We rescued a tiny kitten, not knowing anything about him. See all my posts about Tristan.

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When I try to pet my new kitten, he just wants to bite and claw. Did I pick a bad one?

Dear Readers,

This problem is often because we are giving our kitten the wrong signals at the wrong time. We need to watch our “kitten settings.” Then we will move to pet them at a time when they will welcome our friendship overtures.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

Here’s some common kitten petting mistakes:

Giving them our hand to play with. When presented with our hand, our kitten will react as though it is a small, sentient being in its own right. So they will do what every kitten does, to every small, sentient being they encounter; they will try to wrestle its head.

This gets our hand bitten and clawed. It’s because we presented it as a toy.

Always extend the toy, not the hand. When they get onto the boundary and touch our hand; we must withdraw, say ow, or whimper; all to let them know that this is us, and we are hurtable.

This has the added benefit of teaching them that when we extend our empty hand, we want to pet them with it; and we will both be gentle.

Being too rough. Never use our hand to hit the kitten. While we can think the kitten is asking for rough-housing; they never are.

Kitten pounces and tackles are actually quite gentle; as our cat understands it. They may have only played with other cats until now, and certainly don’t realize we don’t have the same protection of fur as their other playmates.

Also, kittens are more delicate than they like to let on. Never yank on a toy while our cat has possession of it. Be careful where we put our feet. They are not toys.

Always trying to pick them up. Our little cat is not always in the mood to be swept off their feet. They might be in the middle of a very important adventure at any time.

If we constantly pet them as a looming figure which does not seem to grasp or care that we might be interrupting them; we might not be offering the high quality petting our cat wishes to have. Even at a young age, cats wish to assert independence and autonomy.

Respecting that, even when they are very very very cute, makes for a better relationship foundation. So get down on the floor, get our face near them when they are lying on the back of the couch, and start learning how to interact with them in many different ways.

Handle them properly. Cats have high flexibility which is even more so when they are small. If we are going to be trusted to hug them, we must demonstrate some competence about it.

Always support their weight. Don’t twist their spine. Keep their legs tucked in when moving them, then let their legs become free when we stand still. Use Petting in Place and don’t walk around with them unless we need to.

All of this gives our cats the space to relax and enjoy cuddling.

Trying to pet them when their energy is high. When they want to play, play with them. When they are tired, they welcome gentle petting.

Cats are not machines that can be turned off when they are not being used. They have energy cycles that we must notice, match, and help them handle.

We can overtire our kitten. We can also underplay our kitten. Letting them let us know what they need is how we build a responsive, loving, relationship.

This is how we get maximum affection.

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But Mr WayofCats and I can take credit for not ruining it.

Over and over again, people ask what happened to their sweet, cuddly, affectionate kitten.

Over and over again, I try to explain we are what happened.

Or rather, didn’t happen.

We are getting the maximum affection, (and, believe me, it is Maximum Affection,) from Tristan, and he gives it to all of us. The two humans, and the three other cats (which includes James Bond, finally with the respect he is due) and also any guests (only human, so far) that have arrived. Tristan loves social interaction, human or cat.

We really didn’t know, at three weeks, whether he would grow up into a cat who still loves to cuddle. Some cats, no matter how affectionate they are, grow up reluctant to be lured into physical encounters. They don’t do it with their cat friends, either. But we can still have it at certain times and places; if we make proper attempts to shape our kitten’s view of us.

Over and over, people get kittens, thinking this will be the path to a cuddly cat. But kittenhood offers as many opportunities to mess up as it does advantages. We can take advantage of the baby state to interact with a kitten’s basic nature.

While we are learning them, we are teaching us.

We must move from the baby level of reciprocation, to the adult level of mutual respect. We cannot expect it to be the cat’s turn all the time.

It wasn’t just that we started so early with Tristan. It’s also that he loved cuddling from the very beginning.

This can be simply the need for cuddling which young kittens exhibit. It could also be a side effect of his human fostering; he got a lot of affectionate handling.

Yes, we started out with Tristan by rubbing that delightful belly and kissing the top of that adorable head. We still do that. He’s also still a kitten; at this age Olwyn was bossing everyone around.

Tristan still has the leggy, narrow build of the adolescent cat. His mind retains kitten qualities like curiosity and experimentation.

This is an Alpha trait, which leads to their need for input and concentration in their play. As Tristan gets older, his physical challenges become easier to meet than his mental ones.

We need to find ways of playing hide and seek, or hiding treats and toys in puzzling ways, to meet his body’s demands to practice his predatory skills. We continue to show him what he is supposed to do with positive discipline, instead of methods that will leave him confused and stressed.

Even though he’s almost a year old; he is still young. This Young Cat stage is wonderful; they have the boundless appeal of the babies, with a lot more discipline and understanding. Now we can have conversations, make elaborate appeals, and debate the finer points of the law.

This is how we keep sparking our cat’s first realization that we can be friends. This happens with any age of cat; when we first encounter them. This is really the sweet spot in easy cat relationships; cats can get over even their instinctive wariness if their special human shows they are the exception to that rule.

While we loved having our Tiny Guy, we also haven’t forgotten the round-the-clock care and the challenges of having such a delicate stage, the three week version. Olwyn was the three month version, and RJ was the four and a half month version. But we can also see how Tristan, even at this age, could still be chosen as a kitten.

At three weeks, Tristan was a grab bag; and both the humans agreed that if he would be happier in a different Forever Home, he would go there; no matter how cute he was, no matter how much we loved him. Maybe all he needed from us was the fostering; we would gladly give it, to give him his best shot.

We did fall in love with him; and we did make it work. But it would be no poor reflection of any party involved if we did not.

What counts is what we do for each other.

There’s less than a year and a half of difference in Tristan and Olwyn’s ages, yet they are very different cats and always will be. See more about Olwyn.

We rescued a tiny kitten, not knowing anything about him. See all my posts about Tristan.

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.

Most of the time he perches on the cat cabinet, or the kitchen stool placed near the work area, and simply watches like a Good Boy. He gets a few reminders and he’ll ignore brownie batter. But the combination of raw hamburger and my mixing it with my hands means if his curiosity gets the better of his common sense, there’s not a lot I can do about it.

Thus, I do a pre-emptive strike; and put him somewhere else.

This simple precaution is an excellent kitten approach; past a certain point, they aren’t learning anything, and we are getting exasperated, so it’s time for the lesson to be over. Then we can complete our task, and they can ponder their lesson, or not, depending on their age.

Our kitten needs raising in a way that acknowledges their needs and limitations. So if we find ourselves getting frustrated, both we and the cat need a “time out.” In this case, I started by assembling my ingredients. When Tristan persisted in getting on my kitchen cart, I was able to put him away before my hands were too messy to do so.

The other part happened when he was let out of the bathroom. He looked up from the bathmat where he had been curled up, and didn’t rush to get out the door.

But about ten minutes later, he raced over to leap in my lap, and dug his shoulder into my chest; this is his Demand Hugging. I have to stop and press him against me with both hands, while he purrs.

He’s done this since he was tiny. He did it this time because he was worried I didn’t love him any more. I deliberately didn’t get into anything too demanding of my attention in case he did want reassurance. In minutes, he was fine again, and off he went on a kitten mission.

This is how the cuddly kitten stays cuddly.

This might be the most sensitive part of our cat’s development; when our kitten’s growing maturity pushes them towards independence, and their sweet heart demands support and closeness.

It might not have looked like it from a distance, but Tristan got his feelings hurt by being locked away; he knew he had been reprimanded; and he didn’t know what I thought of him afterward.

If I hadn’t made a point of keeping a watch for his overture, and immediately and happily reassuring him, his feelings would have stayed hurt. If he was a less assertive cat, his reaching out could have been much more low-key. It could have been overlooked.

It can be as simple as a glance.
It can be as simple as returning that glance.

Cats live in a way that keeps them attuned to every little thing we do. If we return the favor at important times, we keep that connection between us strong and deep.

Tristan strongly seeks out connections; this makes him both demanding, and easy.

Yes, he is amazing. But, he’s not unusual.

When Tristan jumped into my lap, I was able to turn on the Mac’s iSight camera and do a little filming. That’s why the lighting and color values are not the best.

We rescued a tiny kitten, not knowing anything about him. See all my posts about Tristan.

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.

It’s been Power Surge Week as Tristan twirls his ears like a helicopter rotor, makes a revving noise, and then runs flat out.

The laws of physics are temporarily revoked.

We didn’t have this with Tank Boy (Reverend Jim) or Miss Princess (Olwyn.) Sure, they were lively and loved to play, but they didn’t suddenly become The Flash the way Tristan does. He’s naturally more high-energy. Now that he has more growth hormones pouring into his system, we’ve turned it up to eleven.

While it may look the same, this is different from his younger, kitten, play.

Young kittens are aimless and distractable. The more mature kitten has serious goals. Tristan explored every inch of this paper bag, instead of rolling around in it as he did in his younger days.

Now, he has Fortress suitability in mind. This is where he will ambush his prey from!

If he had prey. But a kitten likes to be prepared.

While we can wish to calm the cat down, such attempts to make them quit all the running around will be failures.

What we need to do is encourage our kitten to play more and more, wearing themselves out.

This creates a calm, happy, space for us to cuddle in.

After a play session, Tristan loves to climb into my lap for hugging and purring.

Now, he can.

If he hadn’t discharged all that energy, he wouldn’t be able to gets his hugs in.

It’s good to know some things have not changed a bit.

For more about handling kitten play, see Kitten Energy Cycles.

We rescued a tiny kitten, not knowing anything about him. See all my posts about Tristan.

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There’s more ways to care for our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on CAT CARE.