We do ourselves a favor by making our home, at least temporarily, into an area that lowers the chances of a crash-boom-anguish event.

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The number of variables in this situation are considerable, and will have an impact on our preparations.

The kind of kitten. We can have a quiet little Gamma or a whirling dervish of an Alpha. Some kittens calm down quickly, and some never do.

Some kittens amuse themselves; whether we like it or not. Other kittens demand attention and particular kinds of play; they don’t know how to stop asking for what they need.

Choosing a kitten carefully will help us get the level of independence/interaction we both want.

The number of playmates. We can have older cats or sedate dogs who don’t want to play with the kitten, or a combination of cats, dogs, and children who urge them to max it out. While kittens don’t need much encouragement to race around, willing victims who chase and are chased will create more chances for them.

But this also wears out the kitten for us.

Our preferred decorating. I had an advantage going in. I like knickknacks put away for easy dusting, prefer heavy pieces of furniture which don’t tip over easily, and value easy over fussy.

We can have delicate items and elaborate displays in our house. But we shouldn’t expect to combine them with a couple of delightful, and rowdy, Alpha kittens. We can have a room where the cats are not allowed, or we can choose more mellow, easily amused, types of cats.

Our expectations of training. Of course we can train our kittens; this is what raising them is all about. But while we may think they grow up all too soon; it’s not soon enough if we are not relaxed about the process.

They can learn things very quickly, but forget it in the heat of the moment. They can be kittens for up to three years, and have kitten “bursts” for years after that. They can be 90% there, but continue to be stubborn about something which exasperates us.

We didn’t get to give up the super-cheap shower curtains, mended with tape, until RJ was over two years old. He was sweet and cooperative and learned to please us rather quickly, but he had a vendetta against shower curtains.

This is how kitten proofing works. It’s individual, of varying lengths, and has widely divergent targets. That’s because it mostly depends on the kitten, and how they interact in our home. Each home has its own individual character.

So I can say, “Fasten down electrical cords so they don’t get tangled, loop venetian blind cords over a topmost slat so they aren’t tempting, and put away the tippy things,” and this will certainly cover these usual suspects.

But some kittens will be like Tarzan and some kittens will be like Pooh Bear, and some kittens will be like Buddha.

And each one is different.

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In our homes, cats with more than the usual helping of these traits will need the proper environment so they can relax and be themselves.

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The worst thing we can do for our paranoid cat is give them an environment with a lot of ambiguity. Cats like these have to know where they stand. Here’s what they can’t handle:

Worrying about possible past abuse is a sign this cat has touched the sweet side of our heart. But we can’t let this influence the way we treat our cat.

Many people think their cat’s nervous and insecure reactions came from a hostile environment trigger. They think their cat’s state of mind came from abuse. But that’s not necessarily so.

Reverend Jim was the most severe case of neglect I’ve personally handled, requiring months of mental rehabilitation and still showing a few deficits here and there; but he arrived sweet and trusting and nestled in my lap the first chance he got.

It’s not so much what happened. It’s how the cat reacted to it.

So if we project too much worry and sadness over what we think might have happened to our cat, we are not sending the soothing signals that all is well, now.

An unpredictable schedule will prevent them from latching onto the security of their care arriving at predictable intervals. It doesn’t have to arrive on the dot, but instances of empty bowls or dirty litter make a paranoid cat fret and feel stress far more than the average cat.

This often comes up when a previous cat “didn’t mind it.” Well, this one does.

Often, I get asked about cats who are “fussy” about their food and litter. It can turn out they aren’t fussy as much as their people, aren’t. Changing to be fussy ourselves can often defuse the cat’s reaction.

Then they actually become more accommodating and trusting.

Dealing with constant new input will wear out a cat’s energies. In fact, recent research shows that willpower, or self-control, is like a muscle. It gets stronger with use; and gets more tired, too.

Psychologists have discovered that self-control is an exhaustible resource. And I don’t mean self-control only in the sense of turning down cookies or alcohol, I mean a broader sense of self-supervision—any time you’re paying close attention to your actions, like when you’re having a tough conversation or trying to stay focused on a paper you’re writing. Why Change is So Hard

So when we keep our cats on their toes with a bunch of new things for them to think about, some cats thrive on figuring it out. But paranoid cats don’t like dealing with suspicious items; and for them, all new items are suspicious items.

So, at least at first, we can best care for our paranoid cat by not going to any extremes. Their world needs to be calm and quiet and comforting.

Then we can find refuge there, too.

If our cat needs help with confidence, see my post, Calming the Scaredy Cat.

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Because they’re new in town, and they don’t know anything.

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After several thousand years of people choosing the cutest, cuddliest kittens, finding them is easy. For most people, the problem is keeping them that way. Since no one sets out to turn their cute, cuddly kitten into a suspicious, nervous, shadow pet, how does it happen?

They aren’t treated cute and cuddly. Personally, I don’t know how anyone could bring home a bit of fluff with big eyes and then routinely treat them as though they were as huge and rugged as adolescent Labrador Retrievers… but people do. They tease them, play roughly with them, and try to challenge their sense of security.

We need to be especially restrained when we are trying to teach them the right and wrong things to do in our home. Kittens need gentle, persistent, and repeated actions modeled for them. Then they get it.

They aren’t treated like baby cats. I don’t know how people lose track of what kittens grow up to be, but while they may look like stuffed animals, (and maybe someone really wanted a puppy,) they are nonetheless cats in a tiny package. So they will have spells of dignity, independence, and attempted cunning, especially as they approach adolescence.

No matter how hilarious their attempts at intimidation, stalking, and pompousness might be, the kitten is molding their Future Cat State, and that part needs to be taken seriously. This doesn’t mean we can’t laugh at their antics, but it does mean we need to notice what they are trying to convey, and acknowledge them for it.

They aren’t treated like family. Many people find exasperation or disappointment overshadowing this most fleeting, and most delicate, time in their cat’s life. This often happens when they don’t cat-proof the living room, or fuss over litter box placement, or otherwise make room for the kitten in their homes and in their lives.

Sometimes I think it’s the absolutely awesome cuteness of kittens which creates these barriers to connection. People who are unused to animal interaction can find the concept of their existence as fellow creatures to be slippery and strange. By the time they no longer look like, and are treated as, stuffed toys, their sweet, open, hearts have been made shy.

While cats can be won over at any age, why make our task so much harder than it need be? Raising our kitten is a task that only lasts months, but then, lasts years.

It’s better for both of us if we do it right the first time.

If we didn’t have our cat as a kitten, we can still connect with that cutest part of them.

For more about kitten raising, see all my posts on training a kitten.

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But that might be because we didn’t notice they were asking.

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There’s two mutually dependent keys to the Way of Cats cat training system.

Mr. Bond and I have this kind of mutually beneficial relationship. Mr. Bond seeks me out, gets me to follow him, twirls around in front of the object, and then stares up at me for guidance. Whether it’s an empty food bowl or a blinking Litter Robot, Mr. Bond has learned I will listen and respond to him.

So Mr. Bond also checks with me regarding new toys, new people, and new furniture. Is this okay? Do you really want me to play with this? This won’t hurt me?

Mr. Bond leaves me space to indicate This is great! I got it for you! Or, gives me the opportunity to tell him, This is a human thing. Better leave it alone.

When our cats learn we are a willing resource to guidance about a thing’s safety, stability, or potential, they will ask more often. When we introduce a new thing, and watch for their look of inquiry, we will have our chance to give our cat input about its planned use and availability.

None of this magic will work… if we don’t look for it.

If our Law of Reciprocity is working as it should, cats will learn to trust us and do favors for us. This develops their ability to consider our feelings before they take a planned action.

Then they will ask our permission to do things when they are uncertain about the outcome of their actions. This is exactly what we have been working towards.

This is exactly what we should be looking for.

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Power.

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The power isn’t magnetism or a spell cast to keep us from our work; only the simple pull of curiosity. There must be something fun to this, the cats think, because my human finds it so fascinating.

Their focus is on what we are doing with our hands. While I’ve had cats poke at the keys, and there’s a favorite picture in the rotating header of wee Olwyn pretending to be me at my laptop, most cats settle for the attention they get from such close proximity.

What? Some people ignore cats on their keyboard? Right. Since that so rarely happens, we keep reinforcing the whole keyboard/proximity/attention alliance.

The best we can do is shield both of us from when the attention is detrimental. Here’s some safety tips:

Don’t leave our cats opportunities. If our system has a separate keyboard, it can wind up in our lap… and then somewhere else when our lap goes into the kitchen for coffee.

Make the somewhere else a spot where all of the keyboard is supported. Leaving a hanging ledge off the side of our chair is asking for the cat to try to land on it and flip it over.

Likewise, if we are leaving a laptop for a minute, close the lid. It’s what it’s for.

Lock them out. Using the search term “keyboard lock” can let us find programs to “lock” our keyboard. I used to have one; I pressed a quick key combination which stopped all keyboard input. Now, working on a laptop, I just close it up when I step away.

The problem is not just our cat’s editorial contributions. It’s simple to come back and delete the line of “2890jsl’02js” that appeared in the middle of our deathless prose. But that’s not all cats do.

They are famous for their ability to find amazing combinations that will scatter their keypresses all over the document, resize the browser, and find previously unknown portals into other dimensions. I’ve had them crash programs and reboot the computer.

The finest example of such computer safeguards is the program for the PC called PawSense. It analyzes the input from a cat’s paws, detects the unique patterns, and then locks the keyboard from further input.

Keep our tasty beverages out of range. I’ve repaired dozens of malfunctioning computer keyboards after soda, coffee, or even water spilled into them. Most people do all the wrong things when a spill occurs. The right way to handle it is:

Computers are part of our lives. When cats are too, we need to take some simple precautions, so everyone gets along.

For more cat/computer safety tips, see Cat Proof the Computer.

Cats behave the same way with books and magazines; see Cats and the Printed Page.

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We especially need to pay attention when our cat’s mood shifts into something low or unhappy. While cats work very hard at not showing their moods, they are more likely to show them to those they trust.

In turn, being close to our cat means we can pick up shifts in their well-being. Whether they are subtle, or not.

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People who do not have a close engagement with their cat will not have the ability to gauge their cat’s mood. Ignorant of a cat’s signals, and worse, not looking for them, they are astonished when a petting session turns ugly. When the cat was lashing their tail and emitting siren noises. Note to self: these are signs to leave the cat alone.

Of course, Cat Appreciators do not have this problem. We get to know our cats, and discover how wonderfully expressive a cat’s face can be.

Dear Husband expresses astonishment at how clearly Mr. Bond’s thoughts are written on his face; and how complex and detailed these thoughts seem to be.

Our still-little Olwyn will beam adoration at us just by meeting our eyes.

Reverend Jim’s lack of facial expressiveness was a huge clue that he had developmental difficulties.

Since RJ’s early months were marked by a lack of feedback, he stopped moving his face as he concentrated on survival. Cats with normal socialization learn to reach each other’s facial expression, and encourage each other’s signals.

We can also encourage our cat to express themselves.

We should become adept at figuring out what our cat is thinking. Sometimes, it’s obvious. Sometimes, it’s not.

But it’s always worth knowing.

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I had to go away for several days, and this was the first time RJ experienced me being gone overnight, much less longer. He handled it pretty well. He looked for me at times, got a bit clingy a couple days in, but generally stuck to his routine.

Yet he was devastated when our cat Puffy died last summer. He moped around the house, barely ate, and developed sad, basset-style, eyes. His obvious distress was a major factor in us deciding to look for a kitten a few weeks later.

Yet, in both cases, a member of the household simply vanished, as far as RJ could see. What was the difference?

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The difference was in how the other beings in the house reacted when someone vanished.

When Puffy left and didn’t come back, we were all sad. Even Mr. Bond, who treated Puffy as a big nuisance in life, moped around afterwards. Not only did RJ miss his buddy, everyone else acted like we missed him too.

This was entirely different with my trip. I briefed Mr. Bond, who modeled calm for everyone. Dear Husband explained where I was. I called in the middle of my trip and left a message for each member of the household, calling them by name.

When I got back, I got to watch RJ’s face light up like a Christmas tree.

It’s key to remember that RJ literally didn’t know what to think when someone vanished. He took his cues from the other beings around him. He draws meaning from the behavior of other beings.

In this, RJ is no different from any of us. We learn from others, far more than we may realize. But what made me especially happy was that RJ could pick up emotions and learn from them. This was something that didn’t always come to him easily.

But now, more and more, it does.

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A cat’s sense of smell is between twelve and thirty times better than our own, (depending on which source we wish to quote.) But whatever the range, that’s a lot of multipliers. A cat’s sense of smell is far better than their sense of taste, which how they sometimes get in trouble.

Like us, a cat’s smell center in the brain is very close to the limbic system which triggers our emotions. So the quickest way to get a cat’s attention, and keep it, is to pair our requests with some kind of scent trigger.

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How does this concept work? Here’s some tricks & tips:

Assemble a supply of “good” and “bad” smells. We emphasize “dinner” without even trying, don’t we? Even if we don’t do the wine steward trick of letting them smell the opened can, (a Dear Husband favorite,) the air is filled with the scent of tasty food as we talk about dinner. And there, we’ve made a connection between a human word and a cat emotion.

Most cats dislike strong citrus scents, for instance, but we don’t have to stop there. Even neutral scents can get a bad connotation if we use them while chasing the cats away from something, or removing them to another room.

Be consistent in their use. Some people try to keep the litter smelling good by covering up smells with air fresheners. If it fools them, it fools their human guests, but what they don’t realize is that our cats are not fooled; especially if the litter is not as clean as it could be. Now our cats have two discouraging scent cues to contend with. This can actually drive them away from their litter box.

So we shouldn’t pick a household freshening scent we use for bathroom or laundry room situations to use in cat training, because we are going to use it at the wrong time. In fact, we shouldn’t be too dependent on air fresheners, anyway. Tricks like baking soda in the carpet and litter, cinnamon sticks in the microwave, or lead-free candles are all far better ways to create a welcoming experience for our human friends.

Keep supporting the connections. We have to be consistent and supportive to help our cats get the idea. If we choose a cat repellent spray to help them remember the couch is not for scratching, we can only use that spray for something the cat has to stay away from under all circumstances. So this ploy won’t work if we also want to cuddle with our cat on the couch.

Treats we are using for a reward should be kept for that reason only. Convey toy time or love time with a different kind of treat. Reserve reward treats for after grooming, when we need a bit of help keeping them focused and cooperative.

Emphasize the emotional. That’s the whole point of the sense cues; to connect with our cat no matter what the state of our communication or how close our bond may be. Whether they are new in town, challenged by trauma, or simply absent-minded, scent cues cut through any static in their reasoning processes.

Whether the cue is connected with us praising them, and acting happy and affectionate; or the cue is connected with us showing distress, acting vocally dismayed and worried, we are embedding their behavior, our reaction, and the scent into one big, easy-to-figure-out, situation.

This is one way to make training into a gut-level process that our cat doesn’t even have to think about.

And then, neither do we.

Find out how to use scent to choose a new cat for a multiple cat household.

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My new boyfriend teases my cat. My cat is so sweet with me, but [she's] starting to hate him!

Dear Readers,

This is such a common problem. There are many possible reasons.

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Clueless Human. This is probably the most common source of problems, and the most easily fixable.

Ironically, the more the New Love Interest likes the Cat Appreciator, the harder they will try; and this will make things worse, as in this post, Dear Pammy, Where did I go wrong? This is an example of someone who at least figured out he was doing the wrong thing, and asked for help, which is a good sign of someone who really cares.

Sometimes, the Cat Appreciator is also the Clueless Human. They made friends with their cat through a reflexive process which worked for them, but they cannot teach others because they aren’t sure what they did in the first place. Add in their own worries about being “bossy” or coming on too strong in the early stages of a relationship, and they can only stand by helplessly.

The two people involved can work together to solve the Clueless Human problem, with the skills in Making Friends with a Friend’s Cat.

But if our New Love Interest does not respond to a “new skills” offer, what else might be going on here?

Social Anxiety. This New Love Interest problem knows no boundaries of age, experience, or orientation. But there are gender differences, because of culture expectations.

Men can feel they must always act like they are in charge and infallible. This is the security blanket they will reach for when they are insecure. In such a mental state, a man is not going to listen to even the most kindly offered advice.

A woman feels the same pressure to ingratiate herself into the the New Love Interest’s household, right down to the cat. But in her case, society has taught that she is supposed to be the one who makes everyone feel comfortable and get along. Rejection might hurt her “feminine side” as much as failure can jab a man’s “masculine side.”

And, of course, we all have both sides.

For anyone, failure to “make friends” can make us feel unlovable, which is no way to feel while we are dating. The tips in Helping Cats Cope with Guests are designed to let cats proceed at their own pace.

It is our responsibility, in any relationship, to state our preferences. Despite our own desire to be accommodating to our New Love Interest, it is in everyone’s best interest to relieve the pressure by declaring the cat uninterested and off limits.

Why deal with an unnecessary, and damaging, source of tension?

Dog Expectations. Any dating person would like to ingratiate themselves with New Love Interest by becoming friends with their pet. Unlike a dog, for whom just being alive is enough, cats are slow to warm up and careful about proceeding. Some people do not realize this difference, and will persist in treating the cat as though they were a slightly stupid dog.

Such people are used to the way a dog will come and interact with no encouragement at all. So they drag the cat from their hiding place to “play” with them and hold the cat forcibly to “pet” them, all in the expectation that if they just keep trying, the cat will “get it.”

Such people, used to roughousing with dogs, will maintain that the cat likes the teasing because they will not back off. However, a cat with an image to maintain can’t back off because it will make them look weak. In the cat’s point of view, this will invite even more teasing. Also, a cat knows turning tail to run will leave them vulnerable to an attack from the rear. Cats will only run away when they feel they have enough of a head start to get away.

To respond to such behavior, we can remind them that “a cat is not a dog,” explain how cats really feel about teasing, and reassure them the cat doesn’t mind being ignored.

This is a subject where we know more than they do; if they refuse to acknowledge this obvious fact, it’s a bad sign.

Bad Intentions. What if our New Love Interest persists in poor cat interaction despite our good advice, unhappy reaction, and stated wishes?

I can only answer with, Then there’s something wrong with them.

I know this can be a controversial answer. Don’t such ultimatums mean we are fussing too much over a pet? What about the argument that it is “only a cat”? Should such a stand really be the bridge we burn to end a relationship?

Such responses are completely mistaken, because this isn’t about how the New Love Interest treats our cat. It’s really about how the New Love Interest is treating us.

We should shift our lens a bit, in which we view the relationship as “so lovely except for the way they treat our cat,” and instead consider how the New Love Interest responds to other instances where we offered advice, stated our preferences, and showed we were upset.

We might be shocked and surprised to discover that this isn’t a cat problem.

It’s a problem.

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It is also the only way.

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Negative discipline is when we try to respond to a cat’s misbehavior in a punitive manner.

While punishment is often the first thing we think of, it’s not that great a teaching tool. It actually makes little sense even for their own good; we don’t want the cat to get hurt on a hot stove, so we hurt the cat? That’s a disconnect in logic that anyone would have trouble following.

Positive discipline is discipline that teaches.

Communication is our greatest tool. If we cannot convey to the cat that we don’t want them to do that, how are they ever going to know we want them to stop doing that?

Gentle kitten raising, the kind that is neither permissive nor punitive, creates cats who will look to us for guidelines about their behavior. With adults, it’s even easier. Grown cats want to know the rules of the house, and we should convey them as quickly and easily as we can.

Cooperation works both ways. If we have the litter box or food dish in a bad place, our cat will try to convey that information to us.

It may look like misbehavior, but if we reflexively, and constantly, treat it as such, we will only frustrate both of us. Cats only know they need to have their needs met. Displaying the inadequacy of the present setup might be the only way they know to get that point across.

Redirection is the best response to a cat who keeps going after something they shouldn’t. While they have the last word on their care, we can have final say on our own stuff.

But what the cat is asking for is amusement of their own. We should give them some.

Negotiation is the process by which both we and the cats get what we want. A cat relationship is not going to work if we insist on always having our own way. This is also the cat’s attitude.

But with mutual admiration, respect, and love, we can both get our way.

We can both get what we want.

See Best Way to Discipline Cats. Read all my posts on Positive Discipline.

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