When do we want it? Yesterday!

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Proper introductions. People only realize they made a mistake rushing the introductions after they have done it. Their own excitement over the new cat, the misconception that the cats will “work it out themselves,” and the impatience that leads to thinking “they have to get along sometime” can go ahead and trigger an existing cat’s territorial defense system.

Now the hapless new cat is seen as a threat, and there’s plenty of sadness to go around. What can we do now?

Consistent policing. If we’ve messed up the introductions, let’s redo them. If we’ve been “leaving it up to the cats” we have now seen what a mess this leads to. It’s never too late to establish ground rules and make them stick.

When our cats make their own decisions, they will always err on the side of caution; and reject the possibility of friendship. When they feel alone in deciding, this triggers survival instincts that makes them hoard resources.

When we step in to encourage them when they don’t fight, we add new imperatives to the mix. Cats want to get along; they often don’t know how to do that.

Choosing compatibility. I developed my “cat types” because of what I learned about cat incompatibility. Too much difference creates gaps in what I call “outlook.”

One cat’s idea of fun is to stare out the window for hours on end, while the other cat wants to wrestle heads several times a day. If these two cats are the only ones around, there’s going to be friction.

We have a lively Alpha (Tristan, at bottom of photo) and a mellow Beta (Reverend Jim, top of photo) getting along because Tristan loves to do both things; and RJ will put up with the things he doesn’t like so much to get the things he does.

As a kitten, Tristan was constantly seen with Olwyn, but that was because she was supervising him. Now that he’s mostly raised, she has gone back to explore intellectual concepts with James Bond; that’s what they love to do.

While our two tabby boys may wildly differ in appearance, they both love the same kinds of play. They both enjoy social companionship. When they keep showing up in the same places, enjoying the same things, closeness follows.

Controlled stress. We can do everything right, and still mess up, if we don’t take cat stressors into consideration. As our cats age, develop medical issues, or experience changes in their environment, a previously smooth operation can experience new problems.

We are thrilled that our tiny rescue, Tristan, has grown into such a social asset to our Cat Civilization. With rescue, we can’t always choose.

But if one cat is asking for something the existing humans, or cats, can’t give, we should consider supplying a being… who can.

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Four months old is a delightful age, somewhat corresponding to a three year old human child. They are more able to take direction, and start to exhibit self-confidence about how beings and objects react to them. Though they still need to seek us out for reassurance.

Tristan has settled into good behavior, except on one key point; he wakes up at 4 AM, and will pester all of us to get up, too.

He’s learned to go to sleep with us, he’s learned not to tackle James Bond’s head while James is asleep (and James is grateful.) I’ve seen him struggling (and failing) to leave a certain lamp alone; this is the one with the glass shade and the big knob on the end of its pull-chain. He’s learned that when he uses the big metal knob as a speed bag, we pay attention right away! So we have had to change tactics, since he’s at the end of this particular learning curve.

We put treats in the puzzle box, to lure him, Olwyn, and RJ out to the living room, and then we close the bedroom door.

James Bond and the humans can then sleep until precisely four minutes before my alarm goes off.

I don’t know how they do it, or what discussion takes place, but at that exact time the bedroom doorknob starts rattling insistently. And they do have a point.

This is only the latest way Olwyn and RJ have helped us with Tristan.

Olwyn, of course, has been the nanny to our little kitten since the third day.

Her nature is both nurturing and take-charge; we are grateful that we have someone to supervise our Tiny Guy when we can’t.

Without her, he would have spent more of his early years in more confined spaces. But the cat Tristan is most like? That would be Reverend Jim.

Tristan loves all our cats; head-tackling just comes with the territory. But as he grows, it becomes more and more evident that he has true compatibility with our big, soft-hearted, RJ.

They are total opposites in body type and personality tendencies; RJ is big and brawny and laid-back, while Tristan is long and lean and sprightly. But they have a mutual love of play, similar optimism in outlook, and they are both cuddly sweethearts.

That seems to be enough to bridge any gaps.

We rescued a tiny kitten, not knowing anything about him. See all my posts about Tristan.

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Even if that is all they do.

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If we have cat buddies in the house, we are familiar with the way cats enjoy sleeping with, or on, each other. But they don’t have to be asleep to enjoy low key closeness.

Since cats communicate with each other using body language, they can be exchanging the subtlest of signals. When they pass in the hallway, one can lean a bit to nudge the other’s shoulder. When they come in a room, look around, and leave, they might have taken the time to have an exchange of glances and a swift squinting of the eyes.

Older cats especially enjoy the little things, and savvy cats of any age will make friendship overtures accordingly. RJ enjoyed playing by himself when the other cats didn’t feel like thundering down the hallway, but he could also hang out near them, doing nothing. Olwyn won Mr. Bond over by rolling around on the bed and winding up with her head on his tail, accidentally.

When a cat shares their territory, and shares all the patrolling and observing duties that come with it, this expresses the highest compliment one mature cat can pay to another. They are seeing the world the same way. We might not know just how much information is being exchanged, evaluated, and enjoyed, but I’ve concluded it is considerable, since plotting is also part of it.

It’s easy to see when kittens enjoy playing with each other; it’s usually hard to miss. But older cats will have looking out the window time, peeking around the couch time, and waiting by the door time, all without too many clues to just how close that friendship is.

Except, you know, they’re close.

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They are both fond of wand/fishing pole toys, but K likes to stalk and pounce, whereas D rushes right in and leaps after the toy. Not only does this prevent K from being able to stalk, he also dislikes it when D’s wild leaps send him crashing down near or on K.

Is there a way to guide or shape D’s playing behavior? Can I communicate to him that he needs to let K have a chance?

Dear Readers,

One cat won’t stop playing, and the other one can’t start. I have this going on with three year old RJ and one year old Olwyn, and it has been the case since we got Olwyn as a kitten.

It’s also over a wand toy. They are simply at different speeds, and they may always be.

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Fortunately, it’s only over the wand toy. But Olwyn, young and energetic and determined, will not stop playing with the wand toy. RJ gets a few grabs at it. But I have to take a battery operated toy into the bathroom and shut Olwyn in there so RJ can have his turn.

I would have to change Olwyn; she would have to become a cat who would pass up a challenge, could ignore a teasing toy, who was able to sit still and let another cat play. Instead, seeing it brings up her competitive side, and she must best RJ at this game.

Might she grow out of it? Possibly, she will develop patience, but she certainly doesn’t have it yet. She also might not.

Cats can learn to control what they have.

But they cannot change their nature.

Olwyn cannot leave the wand toy alone. And neither can RJ; he will not be patient enough for me to play Olwyn into the ground until she is tired enough to watch.

But that’s okay. They love to play other games, and they get along. Just as D and K do, in the message I got.

Even sorta-shared play will help widen our cat’s Circle of Attachment.

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This indicates to us that we are not applying the same criteria as the cats are. When we look for what is drawing these two cats together, we will learn more about our cats.

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When we were in kindergarten, we make friends, and often discover that a mutual interest in Legos may not be enough to sustain a longer friendship. Cats, too, go through stages in their friendships. Kittens are more likely to become friends when they are tiny because the chances of their being interested in playing and wrestling is so high.

Sometimes, these friendships endure, and sometimes they cool to a friendly level. This can be a time when a cat looks around for another cat to share things with. Someone who also likes to watch the birds wake up in the morning; that’s the new interest they would like to share.

Another factor is how much our cat enjoys cats friendships. RJ would not be happy unless he is friends with everyone in the house, while James Bond is happy being ignored by a cat he doesn’t consider close.

A shared fascination with the can opener, the tree that many squirrels and birds visit, or a particular toy will pull cats together. Seeing another cat enjoying something opens the door for the cat to value this cat’s opinion: because it mirrors their own.

When we all play with the Kitty Tease, there is always a point where I put Olwyn in the bathroom with a battery operated toy, so she doesn’t mind, and then RJ can leap and chase the Kitty Tease toy without trampling on Olwyn. This makes him very happy. If Olwyn remained the reason he couldn’t play with his favorite toy his favorite way, he would not be friends with her.

While RJ and Olwyn are close, each passing day Olwyn grows more like Mr. Bond, not RJ. If he were a cat who needed a close spectrum of shared interests, the way Mr. Bond does, RJ could drop the friendship as Olwyn’s needs for play become less, even as his own does.

But RJ is happy just sleeping near another cat. He’s very easy to be friends with, so the shift won’t matter to him very much.

This morning, we have the dining room table disassembled in the living room, so we can move it to the actual dining room. The cats weave through the maze of legs and are all camped in front of it most of the time, asking for an explanation. They explore the ambush possibilities and I have to tell them it will be gone soon.

These are all cats who agree on the level of disruption and significance “furniture pieces” mean. If we had a cat who liked to knock over stuff, or who hid in trepidation, they would feel even more isolated if the other cat looked on them as added stress in this situation.

We might not put certain events into a category of “cat events,” but events do not have to be cat-centric for two cats to share a similar reaction to it. Remarking on moments of cat friendships, and looking for them to occur so we have a chance to do so, can be a good way to encourage our cats to be friends.

Remember that our showing distress over the cat’s not being friends is not seen as such by our cats. What they see is the other cat causing us distress. This is another reason for the cats to dislike each other. Scolding a cat for bad friendship behavior might not be seen as a product of their actions, but the other cat’s.

Since we can only do encouraging feedback, we need to find those moments when the cats are getting along, and show how happy that makes us.

Sometimes, even the oddest of couples make the best of friends.

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For example, we have been enjoying the New, Improved, Puffy. Now With More Social Ability!

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Getting a kitten is having a paradoxical effect on Puffy, which shouldn’t surprise me. Puffy has the ability to get around normal laws of time and space. Though, naturally, not in any way we can harness for the good of humankind.

Puffy’s been known to make his way from one room to another without being detected. He can materialize from nowhere when he hears the click of his dish being set on the counter. When he’s on my lap, he can tell when I’m thinking about getting up, and he jumps off even though I’m willing to sit a little longer, just for him.

He’s sleeping on the bed with the two other cats, and he’s on the arm of my chair as I type this. He is more visible many times of the day. We are always glad to see him.

What is responsible for this transformation? I can only guess; Puffy’s mental pathways are shady and obscure. But it seems the respect RJ shows him has piqued Puffy’s curiosity. Now that RJ is more grown up, Puffy can come out and study this interesting creature without worrying he is going to be pounced on and ritually disembowled.

This confidence has slopped over into other areas. Eating with the other cats twice a day is a happy time that helps him feel more social. The kitten is getting in less trouble, which lets him come out and play without feeling he’s going to get scolded. (Not that Puffy ever needs scolding. But he’s so sensitive our scolding the kitten gets him upset.) The kitten has gotten us to bring in lots of new toys and some of them appeal to Puffy after RJ demonstrates them.

This points up the importance of mirroring. Cats, like us, are highly dependent on what trained scientists call “monkey see, monkey do.” We are far more likely to perform a behavior we have seen someone else do. Puffy has been seeing RJ playing with toys and interacting with us. He is now more likely to do so.

Puffy did not pick up on Mr. Bond’s more sophisticated behaviors, perhaps because of a sense of futility in successfully pulling them off. There’s also the factor that Mr. Bond is disparaging towards Puffy, and has despaired of making any kind of cat companion out of him. But RJ’s simpler approach has sparked Puffy’s interest.

It’s common to speak of getting a kitten to “bring out the kitten in your cat.” And it’s certainly possible.

If the kitten and the cat get along, as I’m glad to say our three do, it’s happiness, cubed.

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Mr. Bond (on the left) and RJ (on the right) are sharing a moment on the bed. RJ is paying Mr. Bond the highest compliment. He is mirroring Mr. Bond’s body language.

Recently we have been spending a lot of time in the bedroom instead of the living room. We’ve been doing some rearranging and putting together of new storage devices. RJ is not sure how to handle these changes. He knows the hanging out in the bedroom routine well, but the added wrinkle of boxes and clothes strewn around the room; that’s new. He doesn’t know what to think.

When I found RJ hanging out in the living room, lonely and confused, I picked up some toys, and then him. I carried them all to the bedroom and put them on the bed, where Mr. Bond already was. Mr. Bond arranged himself on one side of the toys. Then RJ did.

Mr. Bond, by modeling the correct behavior, was a great source of reassurance to RJ. Whatever this was, it was to be studied, not feared. So RJ settled in next to Mr. Bond, who was supervising the process, knowing it well, alert to the always predictable appearance of the vacuum cleaner in Act Two.

(We think Mr. Bond is studying the vacuum cleaner for his great treatise, The Behavior of the Vacuum Cleaner, which will be published, he knows, to great acclaim. We know Mr. Bond is a promising cat scientist, because he is capable, upon the delivery of a new vacuum cleaner, to recognize the picture on the box, and avoid that box conspicuously until it vanishes again.)

A few minutes later, and their head positions have switched; now it’s Mr. Bond, on the left, who is pretending not to look at the other. RJ has stopped pretending he is sleeping and is investigating his rabbit. Mr. Bond continues to signal that all is well.

After half an hour, RJ’s curiosity about the temporarily empty closet is going to be greater than his fear, and he will jump down to explore. But he will first look back over his shoulder, because Mr. Bond will know when it’s safe to go in there.

This is something we humans might miss. We might not think to tell him ourselves. We might not know what he is asking. We might lack the mutual communication skills to let each other know what we each need to know.

But Mr. Bond knows the routine and how to speak Cat. He will tell RJ what is safe, and what is not. He enjoys this role, especially since Modeling in a Dignified Manner is his preferred technique.

We have fostered this relationship by saying nice things about them to each other. Since they are both Betas, they tend to have shared interests. Mr. Bond’s settled ease and savvy behavior has made him into the cat RJ wants to be when he grows up.

Mr. Bond, as we suspected, has been sucked in by the flattery.

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My son brought home an adorable male kitten but our older cat, a female stray, never took to him. He chases her and she will hide or avoid him. He never hurts her, but now she doesn’t like him near her. He has gotten hurt chasing her, and now he’s started spraying around the house! Is there anything we can do?

Dear Readers,

My first hunch was that these were two widely differing cat personalities.

My reader confirmed that Older Cat enjoyed her routines, was shy about new things, and was in many ways a classic Gamma, while Young Upstart was into everything, high energy, and had other Alpha characteristics. This is too great a difference for easy blending, especially since they are the only two cats.

Two cats are always the trickiest cusp of the behavior template I call “mirroring.” As we do, cats look to others of their kind as a check on their own behavior. Cats living in close proximity have no choice but to spend more time with each other, encountering the cat mirror during their routines of daily life.

Cats can develop a fierce dislike for each other, or one can unknowingly become the bane of the other’s existence. Older Cat did not have the inter-cat skills to either ignore the kitten or teach him to leave her alone. The Alpha kitten is finding her too irresistible to play with, no matter what she does. He doesn’t mean to bully her, but that is how she is seeing it.

When these two cats look at each other, they see frustration.

This builds and builds the stress level in the home. There being only two cats means neither cat can see a different reflection. Another cat puts new matrixes in the cat mirror, giving them different ways of evaluating their behavior and communication. Having a third cat in this scenario would result in a different mirror. Third cat could be a playmate for rowdy Alpha, allowing him a new cat to approach and taking the pressure off the shy Gamma. The cats involved have a less stressful reflection they see staring back from the cat mirror.

Understanding our home’s cat mirror is the hidden key to cat compatibility. If possible, encourage the cats to show up together for treats, sharable toys, and special attentions. They will relieve their frustration by associating the other cat with something good for a change, and this can smooth the path to eventual friendship.

But ultimately, it might be an irreconcilable difference that will demand segregating the two cats or finding one a new home. In this case, I advised my reader, He’s going to chase her as long as she runs. She will always run. These are fundamental traits of these two cats, and not responsive to change. My reader has tried to reduce the stress levels in the house, such as Feliway to project calming pheromones and trying to keep the two cats away from each other.

This works when cats are still evaluating their responses and the stress triggers can be reduced. We can’t change these cats’ personalities, and it is pointlessly cruel to try. Trying to rev up or cool down either of the cats beyond limits they have already shown would only frighten or irritate them.

In circumstances such as my reader explained to me, I agreed that Alpha should keep his room of his own, where he behaves and doesn’t spray. This is not cruel in the short term, provided he gets visiting time, because stress is always bad for him and the fact that he’s not spraying in there means he’s calm. It also means my reader can approach the task of getting him a new home with the confidence that there is nothing wrong with this cat that a new environment can’t fix.

Some cats will get along, no matter what we do. Some cats will never get along, no matter what we do. In between these two extremes, we can make some efforts to reconcile differences with shared fun activities, supervising the stress level, and not letting confrontations get out of hand. If the situation cannot improve, and there isn’t enough room to let the two cats lead separate lives, the new cat will need to find a new home. I gave my reader some suggestions on rehoming.

It’s sad when a cat does not work out, but I wonder if sometimes the best service we can provide for a particular cat is acting as a station on their railroad.

We might not be their ultimate destination, but we can serve as a way of getting them one.

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