When we have a cat doing something interesting, it’s highly likely at least one other cat is observing and learning. We need to watch some “cat theater” ourselves, to make sure what they are teaching each other are not the wrong things.

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Cats don’t have to be social to learn from each other, but it helps. Seeing another cat accomplish something creates instant interest, and cats actually enjoy admiring glances from other cats. They will then be likely to repeat this same maneuver, and the other cats will study it.

Every cat Reverend Jim has encountered has been a profound influence on him. Because of his deprived background, he tends to study other cats intently, but he doesn’t actually imitate them.

Instead, he seems to grasp the concept of what the other cats are doing, and then come up with his own way of accomplishing or understanding a task. In many ways, another cat showing RJ that something is possible creates linkages for him.

It’s not that RJ is simply imitating another cat. The key is when he understands that the other cat is doing something to get what they want.

Having his own kitten has been a great boost to RJ’s development, since he sees Olwyn figure stuff out at his developmental level. It’s not that RJ is not bright; he is.

But he’s still a kitten in many ways. His age, coming up on three years old in a month or so, is still in the kitten range, especially for such a naturally large cat as his most prominent breed, the Maine Coon. But it’s his deprivation that originally stalled him, and now slows his progress.

We started out having to teach him how to play. I even developed a special cat toy to help him grasp concepts and work with his natural intelligence and independence.

Since Dear Husband had never raised a kitten before, he did not see what I saw in RJ; the slowness, the times he would seem to “lock up,” and the way he was seemingly unable to initiate many kinds of contact. Then, we got Olwyn. Seeing a normal kitten negotiate the world made him realize what I had been saying about RJ all along.

Cats learn from other cats all the time, even if they don’t have a deficit to make up. This is why our procedures to keep them out of trouble have to be as smart as our smartest cat.

We only need one cat to figure it out; but after that, any cat can do it. Even after the original cat is no longer there, having a Cat Civilization means these tips and techniques will be passed on.

Which is just another reason why I love having a Cat Civilization.

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It can be very difficult to understand the behavior of cats in groups if we apply the wrong pattern and expect them to follow it.

We will not understand the way cats regard us if we apply the wrong pattern.

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It can seem like cats want to be bossy, or dominant, or stubborn, or even defiant. But this is almost always a misconception. Cats really want only one thing.

Cats want their way.

Let’s be honest. Aren’t we like that too?

We are mistaken when we see cat conflict or cat misbehavior as the expression of dominance. Cats do not compete to be “top cat.”

Depending on the task, different cats can be looked up to for different skills. Cats become friends because they like to do the same things, together.

The behavior of cats in groups is fundamentally different from the ways of dogs and their pack behavior. Also, groups of cats in the home have a variegated mix of personalities that makes each group develop differently, based on the mix of traits in each cat.

But cats are not trying to be the boss of anything as a goal in itself. They can attempt to be the boss, but if we produce unprompted, they are just as happy. That is not the behavior of dominance.

It is the behavior of pragmatism.

Cats do vary in their ability to press their point, and their ability to express it. But every cat wants to be spoiled, and every cat will be more cooperative with us, and more sensitive to our happiness, when we treat them as equals.

They don’t want to be our boss. They don’t want to be bossed.

They want to live with friends who do nice things for each other.

That’s all they want.

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My two cats played together as kittens. I thought they were friends. But now they seem to avoid each other. What could have happened?

Dear Readers,

Usually, nothing happened. It turns out they didn’t have enough in common to be friends as adults.

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Cats who grow up together can build a strong foundation for cat friendship, or simply drift apart, but they are rarely enemies. Sharing a kittenhood does not guarantee adult closeness in the resulting cats, any more than it does with human siblings; but it helps.

If there are no other cats to be friends with, two indifferent cats will band together in times of trouble, such as working together to remind us dinner is late. Once they no longer have this to share, they stop interacting with each other.

Here are ways that kittens grow up to be less close than before:

Low bar at a young age. Kitten friendships require less compatibility than adult ones. They enjoy the same things. It would be difficult to pass up the play opportunities offered by a fellow kitten.

But when they are not so driven to wrestle with each other, the one who likes it less will want to opt out, and the disappointed kitten needs to be helped to wrestle something else.

Style conflicts. One kitten loves to get rough, and the other doesn’t. But as some point, the kitten at a disadvantage doesn’t have to play any more. So they don’t.

If we see a lot of conflicts, where one cat flees or seems to threaten another, we have cats who can no longer play together because someone isn’t picking up the right signals.

Not nudging them enough. We can help them discharge their energy in a better way by using a wand toy, fresh pack of spongeballs, or other shared activities. They are playing together, even if they aren’t playing with each other.

We should say nice things to our cats when we see them in the same room together. This encourages them to be seen, often and happily, near each other, even if very little seems to be occurring.

Sometimes, that’s the point.

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So how many cats are too many?

It’s all in what we have time for, and what the cats need.

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After all, we can have three cats who require a lot of cuddling, or we can have three cats who show up for attention at long intervals. We can have a cat who soaks up their love needs by snoozing on our lap during a movie, or a cat who needs us to provide some lively exercise and entertainment every day.

Or any combination.

Cats can have their social needs met by other animals, too, especially other cats. So if we have cats who enjoy each other’s company, we don’t necessarily have to supply all the affection in the house.

Some cats need special attention from their special people, or they will not be happy. Some cats seem to take us or leave us, relying mostly on other cats, but are coming to understand how to be friendly with us.

We shouldn’t skimp on anybody.

That is the commitment we need to consider: the needs of our own particular cats. If we rescue a litter of ferals, we might need to spend as much time socializing them as we would taking in a couple of cuddlecats who want a lot of our attention. Or we can look to adopt older cats who are happy just snoozing near us most of the time.

So there’s really no one answer to the question: How much time do my cats need from me? Because it is also dependent on us. We should consider whether it is a chore or a delight to interact with our cats.

It’s always easier to make time for that which we very much enjoy.

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Do cats hold grudges and bear ill will towards each other?

Is it wrong for our kitten or cat to fixate on certain toys?

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Cat play can look very serious. Intimidation can look like play. What are the signs of trouble?

No one else is having fun. No matter how merry our kitten might be, their target could be unhappy. If a cat is being avoided, or we only see certain cats when the problem cat is not active, the home’s harmony is being disturbed.

Quiet cats are happy cats. If the aggressor cat is not paying attention to the criticism, or not picking up on the victim’s body language, we might have to step in and remind the rowdy one that Ms. Powerpuff said no.

Too much is not always too much. If our kitten spends an hour on one toy, or our teenaged cat runs flat out much of the day, this is not a cause for alarm. This is normal behavior. We have an active cat and they need to expend this energy.

Watch for “stalking.” If a cat is approaching another cat with a stiff-legged slow walk, especially if they are being loud and vocal, this is a cat throwing a tantrum, probably at another cat. Break up the impending incident by hustling the stressed attacker into another room, where they usually calm down.

Call out infractions. Sometimes a cat will act up and get a lot of attention, even unhappy attention, because we are paying attention to another cat. Put the offending cat into a time out in a room alone, because we cannot reward bad behavior.

Engage all the cats in turn. Cat conflicts can occur if we have more than one cat, and each cat feels attention is in short supply. Taking a moment to spend with each cat in their favorite way makes them all, special.

Creating and supporting group activities, encouraging them to share the good times, and saying nice things about the other cats when we are speaking to one of them; these are all ways we can all get along.

Explore proper cat discipline with related articles on these concepts: Boss of Cat Town, Policing, and Why Cats Fight.

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This is why a group of cats will never be a pack. Each group is different because cats have individual dynamics and no clear duties. A missing pack leader prompts a lower level to ascend.

While if a Cat Civilization loses a Supervisor, there’s simply one less Supervisor. Supervising is something cats do happily according to their own inclination, and will do it more if it pleases us.

With small groups, differences off the group norm are more potentially stressful for the cat, if the cat cares. Some cats shrug it off. Others will react to the social signal being sent, and modify their behavior.

Larger groups are more likely to build pods of similar cats. This is where we look from one group to another to see how the cats react to “visitors arrive” always seems to group the cats this way, while “a new toy” groups them in a different way. This puts us on our way to seeing each cat’s reactions and how they vary.

Do we like a lot of mellow group interaction? Do we want companions in our activities? Do we want a tight ship or cats who are more flexible when they have each other to rely on?

We have the ability to encourage our civilization in the direction we’d like best. It’s a good goal to have, if we like having cats.

The society at large disparages the keeping of more than one cat. This makes us a “Cat Person.” But society should learn that there’s a good reason people do this. It’s easier and more fun. If there’s anything our society likes, it’s easy and fun.

Three is the magic number where we reach Cat Civilization. With only two, they can’t form groups.

Then we are missing a deeper level of insight into all of our cats.

Learn more about the different cat types.

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Since cats are all about maintaining their cool, we don’t have any guilty looks to go by. (It doesn’t work with dogs, either. Once we have more than one dog, we find out that the cry of “who did this?” means they all look guilty.)

So when we come into the room and ask “who did this?” we won’t get much in the way of useful behavioral cues. The tipped-over lamp sends everyone running.

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We need different techniques for different problems.

Litter misbehavior. It’s always upsetting to find out someone is protesting something by not using their litter box. Unless we have a DNA lab handy, the substance itself won’t be definitive, but it can actually hold clues. If it is not normal looking, we can assume we have a sick cat, and see if anyone is behaving in a way that is not normal for them.

We can also bring each cat to the litter. A cat who doesn’t have any issues will explore the area and leave. A cat who is avoiding the litter box will act distressed and run away from it.

If it’s cat feces we are finding, and we still have trouble knowing who, serve everyone a spoonful of canned food; with different color crayon shavings added for each cat. This is non-toxic wax that will show up and let us know who.

If all else fails, we can isolate each cat in turn; which can also help solve litter box issues from cat conflicts or poor litter box placement.

Explore my problem solving program.

Something has been messed with. We come home and find something is fascinating someone. But who?

We can try examining the object, and see if the One Who is Fascinated will appear to learn more. If we haven’t yet shown any displeasure, or scared anyone away from us over it, we have a great situation for finding out who shares our interest in this object or place.

Don’t be too quick to conclude that the cat who shows up is the one; they might just know who is the one. But if we have an audience of some sort, we can explain that this thing doesn’t care for that kind of attention, and the cat who is messing with it is mistaken. We can block off or move the object.

If it’s obvious the object is suffering from contact, try applying some strongly scented oil to it. When a cat paws the object, their paw will smell like mint or lavender. Or, the scent will remind them they aren’t supposed to play with it.

If the situation continues, we might need to use Cat Traps. One cat running from the room where the Cat Trap just went off will give us visual confirmation of who set it off.

Misbehavior that comes up suddenly is usually a sign of stress, either physical, or mental. A new object in the home is going to get some natural curiosity, and it’s possible we can broker a deal to have it left alone. Persistent cats are usually expressing a need, and we need to know what that is.

Knowing which cat is feeling the stress is our first step in getting rid of it.

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This indicates to us that we are not applying the same criteria as the cats are. When we look for what is drawing these two cats together, we will learn more about our cats.

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When we were in kindergarten, we make friends, and often discover that a mutual interest in Legos may not be enough to sustain a longer friendship. Cats, too, go through stages in their friendships. Kittens are more likely to become friends when they are tiny because the chances of their being interested in playing and wrestling is so high.

Sometimes, these friendships endure, and sometimes they cool to a friendly level. This can be a time when a cat looks around for another cat to share things with. Someone who also likes to watch the birds wake up in the morning; that’s the new interest they would like to share.

Another factor is how much our cat enjoys cats friendships. RJ would not be happy unless he is friends with everyone in the house, while James Bond is happy being ignored by a cat he doesn’t consider close.

A shared fascination with the can opener, the tree that many squirrels and birds visit, or a particular toy will pull cats together. Seeing another cat enjoying something opens the door for the cat to value this cat’s opinion: because it mirrors their own.

When we all play with the Kitty Tease, there is always a point where I put Olwyn in the bathroom with a battery operated toy, so she doesn’t mind, and then RJ can leap and chase the Kitty Tease toy without trampling on Olwyn. This makes him very happy. If Olwyn remained the reason he couldn’t play with his favorite toy his favorite way, he would not be friends with her.

While RJ and Olwyn are close, each passing day Olwyn grows more like Mr. Bond, not RJ. If he were a cat who needed a close spectrum of shared interests, the way Mr. Bond does, RJ could drop the friendship as Olwyn’s needs for play become less, even as his own does.

But RJ is happy just sleeping near another cat. He’s very easy to be friends with, so the shift won’t matter to him very much.

This morning, we have the dining room table disassembled in the living room, so we can move it to the actual dining room. The cats weave through the maze of legs and are all camped in front of it most of the time, asking for an explanation. They explore the ambush possibilities and I have to tell them it will be gone soon.

These are all cats who agree on the level of disruption and significance “furniture pieces” mean. If we had a cat who liked to knock over stuff, or who hid in trepidation, they would feel even more isolated if the other cat looked on them as added stress in this situation.

We might not put certain events into a category of “cat events,” but events do not have to be cat-centric for two cats to share a similar reaction to it. Remarking on moments of cat friendships, and looking for them to occur so we have a chance to do so, can be a good way to encourage our cats to be friends.

Remember that our showing distress over the cat’s not being friends is not seen as such by our cats. What they see is the other cat causing us distress. This is another reason for the cats to dislike each other. Scolding a cat for bad friendship behavior might not be seen as a product of their actions, but the other cat’s.

Since we can only do encouraging feedback, we need to find those moments when the cats are getting along, and show how happy that makes us.

Sometimes, even the oddest of couples make the best of friends.

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Kittens will try the other cats’ patience.

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Kittens have to play, and usually know only one way to ask; by tackling another cat by the head and pretending to rip their guts out.

We can handle the kitten’s depredations with amusement and long sighs; we know they will grow up and calm down. But the other cats in the household might not have this long view. How our present cat reacts to a kitten depends a lot on the kind of cat they are.

At any age, an Alpha will regard a kitten as a delightful new toy. They have energy and confidence to burn. Their ease with environmental manipulation will give them the ability to keep the kitten in check.

A Beta cat, especially one with their kittenhood still recent, will be able to find their companionship skills a great help with the kitten. Betas are socially sensitive. This makes them very good at making friends; and influencing kittens.

Gamma cats, and cats who are insecure or have low social skills, are going to be horrified. They often don’t realize the kitten doesn’t mean any harm. They are going to interpret the kitten’s mock attack, as an attack.

Whatever the kitten trouble, there is a strategy to counter it.

• Assertiveness mismatch. Let the insecure cat know we have their back, and give them places to get away from the kitten when they are becoming too obnoxious. Keeping the kitten in “their” room when we are away from home will help the other cat relax and go about their routines without interference.
• Energy mismatch. When we play with the kitten ourselves, we should laugh at their antics and model the correct reaction. The kitten needs to be taught to moderate the use of their claws, on anyone. If the kitten is demanding play too forcefully, we should step in and redirect the kitten to another toy.
• Older cat has no kitten skills. Cats have varying abilities to discipline and communicate with kittens. If our older cat has none of these abilities, we will have to step in. We will need to supervise their interactions with the kitten, and make sure the kitten learns the rules of cat society, with our help.

If we don’t have any other cats who can handle the kitten, the whole burden will fall upon us. If this seems daunting, there is another strategy.

Getting another kitten.

This is not nearly as whacky as it might appear. It’s natural to protest, “I’ve got enough problems dealing with one kitten! How can I handle two?”

However, most of our problems with the kitten arises from the fact that the kitten has no one to play with, no one to divert their attention, and no one who is teaching them how to be a cat. Another kitten is an automatic playmate, a target for each other’s energy, and another chance for us to use communication and understanding.

This takes the pressure off the other cats. This takes the pressure off of us. We won’t feel badly about locking the kittens away together, to give the other cats a break. They have each other to play with.

We won’t be going one-on-one with a distracted kitten; we will be looking for ways to get through to both of them, who will automatically communicate with each other and help each other understand what is being asked of them. The other cat or cats will no longer be an automatic target when there is a better alternative running around.

More than one cat means we are creating a Cat Civilization. The elements of any successful civilization is communication and clear rules. Cat conflicts spring from cats not being able to communicate, and not understanding the rules.

If another cat can increase our interactive understanding, another cat is not a problem.

Another cat is a solution.

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This lets out some Gammas, who are fearful of mayhem and usually too retiring to impose their will on others, and many Alphas, who are usually responsible for the mayhem and see nothing wrong with it.

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A Gamma can radiate disapproval and give a Gamma kitten some pause. An Alpha, certain they will be blamed because of their record, can pantomime horror and discourage another cat from something they know won’t end well. This is helpful cat communication, and goes on, at some level, with any group of cats.

A true Enforcer operates out of internalized rules of the household, and will administer a cuff on the neck when needed. When RJ got too rough with his new kitten, Olwyn, it was Mr. Bond who got out of his chair and rapped RJ on the head a few times.

We can’t really choose or train an Enforcer; this is a role the cat takes on by themselves. As with any independent action, there’s the possibility our Enforcer can sometimes over-react. Help them out by letting them know when chasing and wrestling is okay, and when it is not.

Enforcers also draw distinctions between intervening on a personal and a property level. Some cats come down like a hammer to protect squealing kittens, and let anyone climb the drapes. Others nudge cats away from tabletops or bookcases with delicates in them, but figure cats can handle their own disputes. Some just like peace and quiet, and some are happy as long as everyone else is.

We should treasure and support our Enforcers; they are doing it because they love our house, and want us to be happy in it with them. If they are being too enthused, we can suggest that this or that behavior is okay, and when they get it right, we should thank them and tell the other cats they can learn a lot from the Enforcer.

Because sometimes, they do.

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