How can I tell? Why did it take so long? Why does that make a difference?

RJ’s dominant breed (there might be others) is the Maine Coon Cat; known for slow maturation. This goes for body and mind; drawn out even further by serious neglect in his early months that slowed him down a bit.

But while RJ was growing bigger and bigger; it wasn’t until recently that he exhibited mature traits of mind. Such as occasionally responding to Olwyn’s orders with some waving paws that assert: You’re not the boss of me.

I mean, she is… but now he notices.

Only a year ago RJ was Olwyn’s willing minion, hauling that massive body to his feet when she summoned him to help with the kitten, Tristan. But now Tristan and RJ, however much of an odd couple they are in the looks department, are buddies. Tristan will happily pounce on RJ on his own initiative.

So now Olwyn has less of a need to boss RJ; except that she bosses everyone. Like ourselves, RJ doesn’t necessarily like being told to do what he’s already doing. Now that he’s aware that is what is going on… he objects by waving a paw over her head, or chasing her.

They never fight; like siblings under a parental eye, they prefer to annoy each other.

RJ adores the Shedmonster, and we have a daily ritual where he gets groomed with it. Olwyn politely waits her turn. But while she’s getting groomed, RJ will poke her until he gets locked in the bathroom for a time out. Even if, as we’ve started to do, he gets warned not to.

While this sounds like immature behavior, it actually points to an improvement in RJ’s brain.

A cat’s hunting skills are based on anticipation. They rely on figuring out where their prey is going to be; and get there, first. As I explain in Fixing the Deprived Cat, we sometimes need to try a little harder to help our cat with these concepts.

Previously, RJ didn’t know he was being bossed. He didn’t think about it; he just did it. He has a naturally pliant nature, and a big heart. But now that the concept of not doing it has dawned on him; it’s a new toy to play with.

Siblings bicker with each other in dominance games because this is how they learn social behaviors they will use in adulthood. Cats learn from their buddies and their “bosses” the same way. RJ has always been challenged when it came to cause and effect because his early deprivation was so profound.

Now, he’s got this abstract concept in his brain and he’s literally running with it. We step in when Olwyn signals she’s tired of being chased and poked at by hissing at RJ. Then we scold him, and give him a “time out” if he persists. Olwyn doesn’t want to fight with him; and she never feels that she has to, because we are there.

This is how cats can have conflicts and still be friends.

If we are there to enforce the House Rules, everyone gets to express themselves, and yet not cause trouble.

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Since our cats live in a world they did not make, things happen all around them in ways that puzzle them. Sometimes, this can lead to our cats to wrong conclusions, and then to inter-cat conflicts.

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It’s never a good thing when we try to resolve a situation between our cats with a misunderstanding about who is at fault. Often, this is how a cat conflict can arise in the first place.

The most subtle kind of harassment, and the most difficult to detect, is when one cat is making another cat uncomfortable. The trigger could be entirely accidental; a truck backfired outside, a precarious pile of recyclables settled in the bin, the phone rang when a cat was right next to it. The startled cat looked for a reason for this unsettling event; and happened to see another cat acting strangely.

The targeted cat was simply reacting to the same unwelcome event; but the aggrieved cat does not know that. Aggrieved Cat will be the kind of cat who is baffled by the unexpected and never liked Targeted Cat anyway.

If we were around, we might have been able to reassure both cats and let the incident get pegged as an accident. But now Aggrieved Cat is sending bad vibes Targeted Cat’s way; slightly raising their neck fur, flattening their ears ever so slightly, doing the annoyed tail twitch. Poor Targeted Cat is soon a nervous wreck, and either avoids Aggrieved Cat, or starts sending bad vibes back. This makes Aggrieved Cat even more certain Targeted Cat is up to no good… and we see how this could spiral out of control.

We have to be alert to how the cats act around each other; and quick to correct any misconceptions they may be harboring. We may never know what started it; what’s important is ending it.

We should try to coax the two cats into a little meeting in the bathroom or other room where we won’t be disturbed. A few treats, some mutual petting, some soothing words. It may take a few tries, but this works because the cats don’t really want to be at sword’s points with each other. They would love to have a face-saving way to end the nervous standoffs and relax.

Our intervention can break up many of these little misunderstandings, and head off worse trouble. Even cats who aren’t necessarily friends don’t want to spend their time looking over their shoulder.

Give them a good excuse to get along, and they will take it.

For more about how cat conflicts can be resolved, see The Truth About Cat Harassment.

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Isn’t it easy to tell?

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But it’s probably not what it looks like.

Our cats can play all kinds of roles within the household, but the one part they can’t audition for is that of Boss Cat. When we think about it… isn’t our cat kinda the you’re not the boss of me kind of cat? Aren’t they all that way?

Cats do not accept Bossing.

If we do think about it, the absurdity of a Dominant Cat is evident. Why, then, do people think there is such a thing? Why do they use this explanation for cat conflict, or many other cat behaviors, in their household?

Because there’s a lot of behaviors which can be interpreted that way.

If this isn’t domination, what is really going on?

Enforcer cats are actually highly social and keep everyone getting along. It might be “bossy” for a cat to express their opinions about politeness, or show up when another cat is getting bullied, but this is actually about our cat liking harmony in the home enough to get pro-active about making such a thing happen.

Cats who always have to be first in line, for anything, are often cats who just plain want things more than other cats do. They do not understand other cats who yield to keep the peace; such cats think, somewhat rightly, that if the other cat really really wanted it, they would not be able to take it away so easily. To understand more about such cats, see The Truth about Cat Harassment.

Cats who simply can’t seem to get along with any other cats might lack social skills, or be so lacking in self-confidence they don’t feel they can hold their own with other cats. Sometimes we can support such a cat, and help them learn they don’t have to be afraid of the other cats. Sometimes they are not open to having their mind changed. Sometimes an only cat has to stay that way.

So when we see cat conflict, we need to dig down a bit and figure out what is really going on.

Because that is the only way we can stop it.

To understand more about cat assertiveness, see The Myth of the Dominant Cat.

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Is this true? Possibly.

How can we tell? By assessing the state of our Cat Civilization, and its suitability for kitten addition.

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While kittens make introductions easier, they make everything else more difficult. Their constant need for discipline, their boundless energy, and their exhaustive lack of any common sense can confuse and annoy our present cats.

Often, a pet parent will think their present cat is bored or lonely or lazy because “all they do is lie around.” They need to remember that a quiet cat, lying around in plain sight, is a contented cat. They are perfectly happy to spend their day doing this.

Such cats are likely to find that a kitten will disrupt their preferred routine. If our cat simply needs more exercise, it’s more efficient for us to furnish it, at times and in places we and our cat will enjoy. Getting a kitten just for the exercise is like getting a toddler just for the running around.

Because the older our present cat, the further away they are from their own kittenhood; and its fascination with relentless play. Older cats have moved on to more mental activities, and they now find head-wrestling, fake-disemboweling, and getting pounced upon to be a low point in their day.

Another source of distress for our present cat might be the constant correction a kitten inevitably needs. If we have a cat who gets distressed when the dog is scolded, or flees from any noise, or gets upset when their routine is disrupted; this is the kind of cat who will find a kitten to be a nerve shredding experience.

Many people will attribute their cat’s distress over a kitten’s arrival as “jealousy.” While any cat will feel shortchanged if they lose attention they have been used to getting, it’s usually the kitten harassment that is making our present cat act out.

Even cats who know how to turn away a kitten’s constant invitations can find the process wearying. A cat with social difficulties, who does not know how to direct the kitten away from them or let them know that their attentions are unwelcome, will feel, at the least, besieged, and at worst, under attack.

Then we not only make our present cat’s life hell, we will mess up the kitten’s upbringing, too.

I am the last person on earth to talk anyone out of getting a kitten. But usually an older cat will offer better companionship to another older cat, if that is our goal. Matching type and activity level to our present cat will offer the kind of mirroring that seals friendships.

If we are uncertain how our present cat, or cats, will handle the demands of a kitten, we can get two kittens, and let them play with each other.

This is one of those times when a potential cat problem is solved with more cats.

A bored or lonely cat expresses their distress by getting into things while we are gone. For more on this subject, see Dear Pammy, Should I get my cat a kitten?

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If the new arrival is going to take a lot of our time, we might think neglect is inevitable. Then we worry that our cat will feel jealous or resentful of a new family member, be it human, canine, or another feline.

Because the worst thing a cat can feel is dislodged.

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But there are ways of making it not seem so bad.

Prepare for change. Alert our cats to What Will Be New by making fusses over the new room or any other features the new arrival will need. This will spark their curiosity over the process, making it more interesting, and less threatening.

When we decided we were going to foster tiny Tristan, we set up a space in the bedroom, and openly speculated about what changes he would bring. We also acted happy; this will let our cats know what is coming will be a good thing.

Offer a new role. Our cats will be taking on new roles as they grow and mature. Pointing out that we now need a different kind of cat, and how someone we know is just right for it, will help our dislodged cat find a new niche.

Once she got over the shock of such an incompetent creature, Olwyn was able to smoothly switch gears to being our nanny-cat; which garnered her as much fuss and attention as being the “baby” did.

Let our cats discover hanging out around the new being gets them attention, too. We take these opportunities to give our cats some love, and encourage them to be part of our happy group.

This new being is for them! While this doesn’t always work, it’s always worth a try.

Emphasize the lessening of responsibility, the companionship angle, or chuckle about how we’ll have to get more treats at the grocery store from now on. There will be a new person to pet them; or, in the case of a dog, someone new to feel superior to.

Whatever we try to emphasize, our enthusiasm and optimism will help our cats see the situation from a positive angle.

Think quality, not quantity. It’s not like we didn’t neglect the other cats when Tristan arrived. Between the sleep deprivation, the mixing of the glop, and the hands-on care the Tiny Guy needed, we did have to cut back on the time we spent on each previously-designated cat task.

But we did keep up with each task; it might have been a shorter chunk than they wanted, but they still got a play session, a meal drama, or some cuddling at the appropriate times. It is important to keep them in some semblance of their usual routines, so they will feel that the newcomer has not ruined everything.

Remember, cats dislike what is new… until it isn’t, any more.

So we simply have to hang in there until the changes become familiar, and then, trusted.

Don’t skimp on the introductions when we add a new cat or kitten! See my article, The Challenge of Introductions.

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RJ was busy learning how to play, and asked little more than some naptime cuddling. With Olwyn, he soon learned that she was not only polite towards him; she admired him and wanted to be like him. This was a true mentoring relationship.

Tristan, on the other hand, has little to recommend him.

He’s inept and unpredictable. His helpless stage sucked up all our time and attention. When he did start wobbling around, he was rude and unresponsive.

So it was kind of inevitable that, after a month of getting staggered into when he was lying on the bed, James Bond finally gave Tristan a paw smack.

While Mr. Bond had his claws in and didn’t hurt the kitten, we scolded him and escorted him out of the bedroom. This kind of disciplinary tap would have just set RJ back a bit, but Tristan is considerably smaller, and rolled. I explained to this to Mr. Bond, and told him we expected better.

So, the next night, he got on the bed, and deliberately unfurled his tail over Tristan. He let him wrestle with it, on purpose. And I hugged Mr. Bond and kissed him and told him what a good boy he is.

RJ is the only one of our cats who never hissed or swatted at Tristan, whether in exasperation or in a teaching attempt. RJ simply lets Tristan do whatever he wants.

RJ doesn’t feel compelled to be anything more than a potential playmate. So he doesn’t get upset or uncertain about any of Tristan’s actions.

Cat relationships can be highly individualized. James Bond’s differing reactions to different kittens shows how gaps in age and temperament work for, or against, us when we add a new kitten to our family.

James Bond is not active enough to see the play advantages of our new kitten; being fourteen only increased this tendency. As a Dignified Cat, he’s never enjoyed the head tackling or tail wrestling that most kittens can’t wait to deploy. His routines have been disrupted, he can’t relax in many of his favorite spots, and he’s been somewhat neglected on top of that.

To be honest, there’s nothing in this for James Bond.

For humans, Tristan offers far more upside, even though we got him at the “furry slug” stage.

We are always telling Mr. Bond that we are suffering too! but we’ve pretty much gotten over the lack of sleep and continual messes by this time. We appeal to James Bond’s big heart; this is RJ’s kitten! Mr. Bond has his kitten, Olwyn. Doesn’t he like having Olwyn?

Because Mr. Bond has excellent communication, he finds this kind of appeal reaching him. This is why he is willing to cooperate; especially since he gets so much praise and cuddling from it.

And Mr. Bond is doing us a favor, too. Because we adore Tristan. He continues to trust his humans, and look to them for help.

The other night I was manipulating the kind of wand toy with a long elastic on it, amusing Tristan. I put it down to get ready for bed, and when I came back and took up my laptop again, my slipper got nudged and I heard a little distress cry. It was Tristan. In a short time, he’d managed to wrap the elastic cord all over himself, and needed help getting out of it.

At this young age, it’s instinctive for him to get into trouble, and then look for help. But he doesn’t seek it from other cats.

From the beginning, he has sought it from humans.

We rescued a tiny kitten, not knowing anything about him. See all my posts about Tristan.

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My two cats played together as kittens. I thought they were friends. But now they seem to avoid each other. What could have happened?

Dear Readers,

Usually, nothing happened. It turns out they didn’t have enough in common to be friends as adults.

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Cats who grow up together can build a strong foundation for cat friendship, or simply drift apart, but they are rarely enemies. Sharing a kittenhood does not guarantee adult closeness in the resulting cats, any more than it does with human siblings; but it helps.

If there are no other cats to be friends with, two indifferent cats will band together in times of trouble, such as working together to remind us dinner is late. Once they no longer have this to share, they stop interacting with each other.

Here are ways that kittens grow up to be less close than before:

Low bar at a young age. Kitten friendships require less compatibility than adult ones. They enjoy the same things. It would be difficult to pass up the play opportunities offered by a fellow kitten.

But when they are not so driven to wrestle with each other, the one who likes it less will want to opt out, and the disappointed kitten needs to be helped to wrestle something else.

Style conflicts. One kitten loves to get rough, and the other doesn’t. But as some point, the kitten at a disadvantage doesn’t have to play any more. So they don’t.

If we see a lot of conflicts, where one cat flees or seems to threaten another, we have cats who can no longer play together because someone isn’t picking up the right signals.

Not nudging them enough. We can help them discharge their energy in a better way by using a wand toy, fresh pack of spongeballs, or other shared activities. They are playing together, even if they aren’t playing with each other.

We should say nice things to our cats when we see them in the same room together. This encourages them to be seen, often and happily, near each other, even if very little seems to be occurring.

Sometimes, that’s the point.

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Do cats hold grudges and bear ill will towards each other?

Is it wrong for our kitten or cat to fixate on certain toys?

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Cat play can look very serious. Intimidation can look like play. What are the signs of trouble?

No one else is having fun. No matter how merry our kitten might be, their target could be unhappy. If a cat is being avoided, or we only see certain cats when the problem cat is not active, the home’s harmony is being disturbed.

Quiet cats are happy cats. If the aggressor cat is not paying attention to the criticism, or not picking up on the victim’s body language, we might have to step in and remind the rowdy one that Ms. Powerpuff said no.

Too much is not always too much. If our kitten spends an hour on one toy, or our teenaged cat runs flat out much of the day, this is not a cause for alarm. This is normal behavior. We have an active cat and they need to expend this energy.

Watch for “stalking.” If a cat is approaching another cat with a stiff-legged slow walk, especially if they are being loud and vocal, this is a cat throwing a tantrum, probably at another cat. Break up the impending incident by hustling the stressed attacker into another room, where they usually calm down.

Call out infractions. Sometimes a cat will act up and get a lot of attention, even unhappy attention, because we are paying attention to another cat. Put the offending cat into a time out in a room alone, because we cannot reward bad behavior.

Engage all the cats in turn. Cat conflicts can occur if we have more than one cat, and each cat feels attention is in short supply. Taking a moment to spend with each cat in their favorite way makes them all, special.

Creating and supporting group activities, encouraging them to share the good times, and saying nice things about the other cats when we are speaking to one of them; these are all ways we can all get along.

Explore proper cat discipline with related articles on these concepts: Boss of Cat Town, Policing, and Why Cats Fight.

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Kittens will try the other cats’ patience.

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Kittens have to play, and usually know only one way to ask; by tackling another cat by the head and pretending to rip their guts out.

We can handle the kitten’s depredations with amusement and long sighs; we know they will grow up and calm down. But the other cats in the household might not have this long view. How our present cat reacts to a kitten depends a lot on the kind of cat they are.

At any age, an Alpha will regard a kitten as a delightful new toy. They have energy and confidence to burn. Their ease with environmental manipulation will give them the ability to keep the kitten in check.

A Beta cat, especially one with their kittenhood still recent, will be able to find their companionship skills a great help with the kitten. Betas are socially sensitive. This makes them very good at making friends; and influencing kittens.

Gamma cats, and cats who are insecure or have low social skills, are going to be horrified. They often don’t realize the kitten doesn’t mean any harm. They are going to interpret the kitten’s mock attack, as an attack.

Whatever the kitten trouble, there is a strategy to counter it.

• Assertiveness mismatch. Let the insecure cat know we have their back, and give them places to get away from the kitten when they are becoming too obnoxious. Keeping the kitten in “their” room when we are away from home will help the other cat relax and go about their routines without interference.
• Energy mismatch. When we play with the kitten ourselves, we should laugh at their antics and model the correct reaction. The kitten needs to be taught to moderate the use of their claws, on anyone. If the kitten is demanding play too forcefully, we should step in and redirect the kitten to another toy.
• Older cat has no kitten skills. Cats have varying abilities to discipline and communicate with kittens. If our older cat has none of these abilities, we will have to step in. We will need to supervise their interactions with the kitten, and make sure the kitten learns the rules of cat society, with our help.

If we don’t have any other cats who can handle the kitten, the whole burden will fall upon us. If this seems daunting, there is another strategy.

Getting another kitten.

This is not nearly as whacky as it might appear. It’s natural to protest, “I’ve got enough problems dealing with one kitten! How can I handle two?”

However, most of our problems with the kitten arises from the fact that the kitten has no one to play with, no one to divert their attention, and no one who is teaching them how to be a cat. Another kitten is an automatic playmate, a target for each other’s energy, and another chance for us to use communication and understanding.

This takes the pressure off the other cats. This takes the pressure off of us. We won’t feel badly about locking the kittens away together, to give the other cats a break. They have each other to play with.

We won’t be going one-on-one with a distracted kitten; we will be looking for ways to get through to both of them, who will automatically communicate with each other and help each other understand what is being asked of them. The other cat or cats will no longer be an automatic target when there is a better alternative running around.

More than one cat means we are creating a Cat Civilization. The elements of any successful civilization is communication and clear rules. Cat conflicts spring from cats not being able to communicate, and not understanding the rules.

If another cat can increase our interactive understanding, another cat is not a problem.

Another cat is a solution.

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But at other times cat harassment can be both subtle and misleading. We might be surprised to discover who the instigator really is, and why they are doing it.

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Communication between cats is 90% body language. So there could be signals flying back and forth that we won’t notice; unless we pay special attention. A cat could be a harassment victim, and we don’t realize it. Or a cat could be a harasser; and we are blaming the wrong cat.

When cats have difficulties with each other; staring intently with a lashing tail, giving someone a wide berth in the hallway, or trying to avoid certain places at certain times, we should observe the obvious sufferer first. They are a target of something another cat is doing, but if it’s easy to pick out the offending cat, this could be a communication breakdown that we can correct.

A cat who keeps asking the other cats for play might need a rousing game of spongeball or having a wand toy waved for them. A cat who guards the food might not know how to ask for it when they are hungry; so they hang out there, just in case.

We then work with the cat so they can have a signal to give us when they want something. Puffy was taught to use his Paw, and he used it for everything.

A cat who has trouble “refreshing their browser window” to pick up new information needs us to give them a signal. Some unique, imperative sound, such as from a clicker, can cut through their concentration and get them to refocus. Once they realize their efforts are not getting the desired results, they will start paying more attention to the feedback they are getting.

Some cats are so confident, even arrogant, they genuinely assume other cats are too. If they didn’t want to be pushed out of the window perch, why did they fall off of it?

Such cats require us to monitor their behavior and keep correcting it, since the other cats are not able to do so. Once they realize we are serious about enforcing our preferences for harmonious sharing, they will go along, and sometimes even learn how other cats will express similar sentiments.

It seems that the arrogant cat does not care; but usually we are attributing malice when it is actually cluelessness.

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