Yet, with the cultural concept of “pet loss” only a few decades old, and with so few models to use from, many people are not always consciously aware of the similarities, and differences, between “person loss” and “pet loss.” This can interfere with our grief process.
There’s no question that we love our cats, and they love us back. This alone means we can’t help but use our human experience to handle our loss. In many ways, having a pet draws from many human experiences; we receive companionship, seek comfort from, and also nurture, our beloved cat.
Yet the society at large presents confusing messages about our emotions at such a time. The reactions swing from belittling our loss: It was only a cat!, to over-reaction based on human relationships: How can you even think about getting another cat? Didn’t you love Mr. Whiskers?
It’s no wonder people are confused about both their feelings and the proper response. Here are some guidelines that might help.
The length of the experience. If we had our cat for a long time, that is a different grief that the untimely death of a cat we had for only a few years.
A relationship of a decade or two means a great many milestones were stamped with our cat’s presence; an indelible part of our personal history. The emotions that are stirred up as we recall their endearing ways can make us conscious of how much of our own life is now in the past with them.
Yet a long and lovely life can also be its own reward. If our cat lived to a happy old age with us, we couldn’t have asked much more of them. This “sense of completeness” can remind us we certainly enjoyed them to the fullest.
A cat who dies while still too young can create a sense of anger over feeling cheated out of years we had anticipated enjoying. Grief can be sharper over unrealized potential. There can also be feelings of guilt; even if we took excellent care of our boy or girl, we could feel that we somehow should have done better, and then we could still have them.
Worse yet, perhaps we did make mistakes; we can cling to our grief to punish ourselves. But this is also pointless. If we had known that decision or delay would have such terrible consequences, we certainly would not have decided the way we did.
Either way, we must forgive ourselves for not controlling every possible outcome; this is a power that was never ours to control in the first place.
The intensity of the experience. There are cats who move through our life attuned to our emotions and thoughts. Losing such a cat not only puts a seeming hole in our heart, it can make us despair of having such a marvelous relationship again.
This can tinge our grief with an unwelcome whiff of selfishness. This can cause us to double down on our grief to drive the thought away. Just as people are individuals and can never be duplicated, we can never replace the cat we lost. We feel the loss all the more keenly when we are faced with the fact that this relationship, so rewarding, will not pass our way again.
Denial of this uncomfortable fact is the impulse which drives some people to pay $50,000 dollars for a cloned replica. As I explained in this post, even a genetically identical cat might have the same genes; but we can never duplicate those genes’ particular expression.
Others might take denial to a less scientific level by seeking out a cat who closely resembles the lost cat, even to the point of giving them the same name.
We can’t find that cat again. But we can find a different cat, a different relationship; that is also wonderful. Just… different.
If the thought makes us feel uncomfortable, even “disloyal,” we have come to the crux of pet bereavement.
The problem is not in us. The problem is that most of us live in societies which have no language, structure, or recognition of how closely we can bond with a pet.
Imagine a society which has a concept called “pet loss” and offers guidelines about when it’s “right” to get over it, when it’s “okay” to get on with it, and at the same time honors the depths of our feelings both while we love, and when we lose, our pet.
It sounds great! Unfortunately, we are not all the way there yet.
So we continue to show up at work as though nothing has happened, head for the restroom if we think of how we will be going home to an empty chair or hallway, and only confide our true feelings to those of our friends who feel about their pets the same way we do; and are struggling with similar feelings of conflict.
Our grief over pets must run its course; so we can get another. One reason we might cling to our grief, and not process it, is that we feel guilty when we feel it lessen. This is also true of both people and pets; the “pet loss” twist is that while we can love our cat very much, losing them does not have the same power to alter our life.
With pets, we ask them to shape their life around ours; their ability to do this is part of why pets are so appealing. When we lose a pet, it is profoundly hurtful, and we miss them. But we have not lost a shared income, advice on our love life, or the chance to see them graduate. People relationships have a much longer anticipated scope; with their loss we feel our entire life landscape shift under our feet.
Pets are different; it may not be fair that they don’t live as long as we do, but it is the reality. That is the shape of the relationship; that we experience their entire life during a fraction of our own.
While it is sad; it is also joyous. Because we can do it over and over again; in a way that is not possible with human relationships.
We are fortunate when we keep our parents, our friends, our life partners, and so many other relationships for such a long arc of time. But this is necessarily restrictive; it often represents a limited number of chances at having that kind of relationship at all.
After all, there are times when we move quickly after a loss. When a child is orphaned, we don’t decide to let them “get over” their loss before getting them new parents. We move them quickly into a new “parenting situation,” because they need support to get over it, at all.
That is the confusing thing about losing a pet we love very much; imposing a human template on our loss only distorts the enjoyment our cat gave us during their life. That was their purpose.
To make us enjoy the experience so much we can’t help but want to try it again.
We should resist well-meant urgings to get another if we still don’t feel like it; this can be the person’s way of trying to help, but it can make us feel that they are not acknowledging the specialness of our cat; this is not like getting another African Violet.
But we should also not berate ourselves if we find cravings for another cat popping up quite soon; even as our grief over the gone cat has not really diminished. We can feel both; missing the cat who is gone, and longing to love, and be loved, by a cat again.
It is the nature of cat relationships; to lead us into more cat relationships.
Over and over, people have expressed to me their grief over a recent cat loss, and then, finding a sympathetic ear, confiding that they have such a strong desire to get another cat. Is it wrong? they always ask me.
No, it’s not wrong at all. We can miss our cat for a long time; their pawprints need never leave our heart.
But what does that have to do with loving another cat? If we have many cats, we can love them all simultaneously; losing one doesn’t mean we stop loving the living.
The desire to embark on a New Cat Adventure is actually a natural response to loss. It is the assertion of our heart that we still have much to give. It is healthy to have room, in our homes and our hearts, to moderate our grief… by giving the gift of life.
Which is actually the most loving memorial we can build.
The toughest part of having a cat is deciding to say goodbye. Find help in my posts on coping with end of life issues.
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There’s more ways to care for our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on CAT CARE.
The mother of a friend of mine lost her cat of 18 years suddenly. I only had one cat then, and wasn’t planning on getting another. I said to her, “I don’t think that I could ever replace Killsy when it’s her time to go.” And she said “You never replace a pet. You make room in your heart for another.”
What a wise lady. I’ve found that to be so true.
I will have to remember that saying when someone announces that they cannot get another pet. Also there are so many that need homes.
Margaret Elmendorf’s last blog post..A rescued pet comes up with a miracle
One thing I learned when I lost 3 relatives in a year and a half is that there is no right way to grieve, no right amount of time, no point at which it’s not okay to be over it or not okay to not be over it.
Grief is a strange thing. It comes and goes, gone a month, sharp a week, gone a year, unbearable for a few days. Like love, it follows no rules, it obeys no logic, and it can’t be willed out of existence.
I have lost pets I mourned as deeply as humans, lost humans I mourned less deeply than pets, been grieved to tears both many and often by the loss of people I have never even met.
Our humanity is brilliant and complex, our capacity for pain, and new kinds of pain, is astounding, and eclipsed only by our capacity for love and the many varieties of it open to us.
No right love or wrong love, no right grief or wrong grief. Just our human hearts, doing the best they can.
I personally cannot imagine allowing grief to close the door on my love. I will always need to meet the next cat.
The presence of animals in my life, who do not expect my feelings to obey our often stupid societal rules that surround strong emotion, has always been a comfort. It’s one of their better points, without a doubt.
Thank you for this thoughtful and compassionate post, and for the “Saying Goodbye” series.
It has been almost three weeks since I had to say goodbye to Makana after almost 14 years; your writings have helped tremendously in moving through the grief of loss to acceptance, and celebration of the joy and love Makana brought to my life.
It soon will be time to offer another cat (and probably two, likely senior cats from a shelter) a home, and your blog is going to continue to be a great resource to make life better for those “future” felines.
Aloha and mahalo!
Lokahi´s last blog ..Aloha to Makana
Aloha and mahalo! Thank you for appreciation so well expressed. New cats will always be different, but also joyous in their own ways.
Thank you so much for your empathy. I so miss my beloved cat.
Yesterday we had to put our Takie asleep after 7 years. We had her since she was born on our patio.
Takie was 1 of the 3 kitties that we saved from being born on our patio 7 years ago. We all miss Takie as she was the most affectionate one and always sat on my lap every time I sat down or laid down. She always slept on my chest every night. We have tremendous grief as Takie’s life was short 7 years as I didn’t except this to happen so suddenly. For 2 days she didn’t eat and kept vomiting which turned out to be cancer. The Dr says the cancer could be removed because of where is was located. My other cats at home (4) seem to be looking around for her especially Chukie and Charlie who were born with her on our patio. This is how I found your website to look for cat grief which they may be suffering. Great website that you have and great information we all can receive during times like these.
Thank you, Leo, and I’m glad my post helped a bit.
It’s the loss of love that hurts the most. I hope you feel that the joy outweighs the sorrow.
Thank you for the thoughtful post. Losing a pet is just as hard as losing anything else you love. They have their own little personalities just like people. My kitty can be a little terror at time, but she’s so loving, cuddly and cute too. I find myself thinking sometimes what a blessing it is to have him and what an empty void it will leave when his day does come and he is gone. This site is a good bookmark to help keep a perspective and to help those that do have to cope with it to deal with the loss. Thanks again.
Michelle´s last blog ..Disclosure: Compensated Affiliate
It has been one month since I said a final goodbye to my beloved best feline friend, Ivy. She and I went through thick and thin during the 15 years we shared. I am the biological mother of two children, yet always told my children that she was their ” sister”.
She died in my arms with a heart attack in the presence of my oldest child…
I miss her so very much. I find myself crying on the way to work. Yet, I am embarrased to talk to many about my grief.
There is absolutely no way that she can or will be replaced, but I so long to cuddle, snuggle and stroke another cat. She was my Prozac!!!!! My blood pressure medicine!
I know that someday another will touch my heart, ,but right now, I am still aching, reeling from her passing that I cannot even consider it.
To my fellow cat lovers… Their soul found yours… And will always be with you.
Hello
I lost my cat, Spot, who has been a good and trusted friend of 17 years. She had cancer and we made the decision to end her suffering today. I always found her right next to me wherever I went. We took so many naps and watched so much tv together. No matter what, she was there. There is an emptiness in our home and in my heart right now, but there are also thousands of cherished memories.
Thank you for posting this article; it helps me pinpoint my feelings and brings much comfort.
I lost my little precious dog last week. He was having trouble with having stones forming in his bladder, almost every month or so. He had numerous operations to remove them, but the last time he was at the vet to have them removed, he had some complications. I miss him (Rocco) terribly and am having a very hard time. I had him since he was 6wks. old and when he passed, he was 5yrs. old. If I could have taken his pain, I would have. I loved the little precious more than I can put into words. Everywhere I went, he was there, and it’s just a horrible feeling to know I’ll never see him again, except in Heaven.
I’m so sorry, Mildred. It’s such a shock when they are that young.
I had to say goodbye to my dearest friend (Salem) this past Monday due to him losing his battle with Feline Leukemia. We met 6 years ago when he wandered into my backyard as a very wild 8-9 month old kitty. He was a very handsome, black kitty with intense green eyes. I felt such an instant connection and was determined to tame this wonderful creature. I worked with him daily to earn his trust just to let me get close enough to feed him. It was then that I could see that he also needed medical attention and so off he went to his first appointment to save his life. Eventually I could hold Salem and then we just progressed from there. Within a year or so I was able to move him into my home fulltime. He became a wonderful lapcat and snuggled beside me every second he could. He was a little talker and it became my very favorite sound. He took from me the miseries of life and he soothed my soul. Then he became very ill from the virus when he was 3 and I had to have fluid drained from his lungs and he was put on Prednisone which helped him greatly. I am so thankful that we got three more wonderful years together before I had to say goodbye last week. But my spirit is still broken. I am grieving harder than I think I ever have. I keep thinking that I am going to see his little head peek around the corner of a doorway or hear his little meow in the morning to let me know he is hungry or that he wants to play. I really loved what Tina said in that she believes that their souls find us. That was comforting, because it almost seems like it could be true. Maybe Salem did choose me, because he knew I would do everything I could to save his life and give him as many good years as possible, but also that I would love him enough to let him go. When there was nothing left to do and Salem was visibly struggling….I had to make that horrible decision to say goodbye to such an important member of my family and I will miss him forever
Lana
any advise to help in the grieving process would be sooo appreciated
Hey! Thanks a lot…
Thanks for this.
I lost my beloved Bijan suddenly last April — We are still not sure what happened. He was nearly 13 years old, but in apparrently excellent health. He was up on the bed with me as usual at bedtime, and feeling playful, so I played with him until I fell asleep. I woke up about two hours later, and he was still lying beside me, but he was gone. I’m still a bit in shock, although I have some hope that it was quick and painless (if he’d been in pain, he’d surely have woken me up!).
Bijan certainly had his personality quirks — but he loved his three humans very much and me in particular. He always wanted to be wherever we were, and would follow us from room to room. And whenever I (or my husband or sister) was under a great deal of stress — he just seemed to know it, and gave us extra love. It really has not felt like home without him.
My husband misses him greatly too — but unlike me wanted to get a new kitty as soon as possible. Not that he thought we could ever replace our Little B, but because he said that Bijan showed him what a relationship with a pet could be — and the best way to honor his life was to open our hearts to a new kitty.
Well, I just brought home a new kitten last Friday – Freyja, who is a Persian like Bijan, and will soon be bringing home her “brother” when he is old enough. And in true kitten form, she is insanity wrapped up in a thoroughly adorable fuzzy package. Nonetheless, I find myself crying over Bijan for the first time in weeks — almost as if the new fuzzy little face in the house make me feel the loss of him even more.
Reading this has helped me realize that I’m not being unfair to either Bijan’s memory, or to my new little girl — who, like Bijan before her, is already very much her own cat. I do know that it will take time to forge the kind of deep bond we had with our Little B — and that our relationship with Freyja will develop differently. Although I will always miss him, I am looking forward to getting to know and love Freyja (and her brother, when he joins us) over the coming years. They will never take Bijan’s place, but I know they will build their own special places in my heart.
Thank you for your thoughts.
I took my beloved cat Fluffy to the vet exactly one week ago, thinking she just needed some tests and new thyroid pills. Two hours after we got there, she died of a previously undetected tumor. The last look she gave me, an intense stare right through my eyes and into my heart, reassured me that she loved me and thanked me.
I’m glad it all happened in humane and loving circumstances.
You make an excellent point that in the USA we don’t really have established rituals for mourning our little companions. It’s a great help to read your site and the replies left by your readers.