Why, then, do we seem to take so long to “get over” a gone cat? And why do we seem to crave a new cat “too soon” and feel guilty about it?
Part of this process is how we don’t understand the differences between mourning cats and mourning people. Cats follow a different trail through our hearts.
Even people who are fans of a certain breed, probably because of an extraordinary relationship with a cat of that breed, would be the first to admit that getting, or already having, another cat from the same litter– is not the same experience.
Because every cat runs on their own Track. This is how Cat Appreciators have many cats; and love them all.
This is how we can still miss a cat decades later, while loving many cats since. This is how we get confused; we still don’t feel “over” our special girl or boy. Shouldn’t we get over our loss before considering getting another cat?
What we have to “get over” is the longing to have our gone cat back.
This is what will destroy a promising new relationship; expecting the newcomer to offer the same closeness that had taken time and effort to build. People who wish to deny their grief will try to get the same cat; and are doomed to failure.
The more enjoyment we have from our cat we lost; the more we can feel compelled to get another cat. Yet the more we loved the cat we lost, the more getting another cat can feel like a “betrayal.”
We can resolve our difficulty by remembering we should be playing by different rules; this is “pet loss.” And in pet loss, no one has a Category like Mom or Life Partner. These are categories difficult to fill.
With pet loss, we have Slots.
Slots are the number of cats we can have. Slots are the number of simultaneous Cat Opportunities we can experience, depending on our resources at the time.
Empty Slots have their own pull, separate from the loss we feel when we lose a cat. This is why we can profoundly miss our gone cat, and still feel drawn to drive by the shelter or peek on Petfinder.
We don’t love our cat any less because we want another cat. It is actually a profound expression of the love our cat once lavished on us. This is what leads to the loving impulse which makes us want to give another cat a home, and make them as happy as we made our other cat.
We are perfectly capable of still missing, and mourning, our lost cat on one Track; and getting, and loving, a different cat on another Track.
That’s because they are truly different Tracks.
Pet relationships are so deep, and so special; and yet they demand to be serial, overlapping, and continuous. It is the inevitable consequence of loving one with a far shorter lifespan than our own.
It is often seen as a sign of maturity to voluntarily commit to a long-term human relationship, either with a close partner or with a child. Yet it takes even greater maturity to commit to a long-term pet relationship; knowing it must end relatively soon.
And love with all our heart, anyway.
Even after the Track our gone cat laid upon our heart reaches its end, it does not go away. Our heart remembers them. Only the Slot is empty.
Once we have experienced the Joy of Cats, it is so much greater than our sadness. That is how we must look at it; that the joy will live on even after our wonderful cat is gone. We can tell funny and sweet stories about them for far longer than their lives. There is still emotion there; and it doesn’t have to go away.
The Love of Cats that our gone cat contributed to in such abundance is even stronger than before, and, as all powers do, it must seek an outlet.
This is why our Empty Slots exert such tremendous power.
If we get our cats from shelters, we are acutely aware of our empty Slots; because each one represents a cat who will get out of their cage, or even escape death. Each one represents a New Cat Adventure. Each one moves from representing an actual cat, to symbolizing a potential cat.
This is why our empty Slots cry out to be filled. This is why we experience such a longing to pour love on another cat, who we know needs it very much.
This is why we feel so conflicted and confused; when we don’t have to be. What pets teach us; not despite their short lives, but because of them, is this:
Love is infinite.
The toughest part of having a cat is deciding to say goodbye. Find help in my posts on coping with end of life issues.
Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to care for our cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my posts on mourning our cat.
If Mack is suffering now, getting another cat now will be what helps him. And you, too. See my post about our getting a new kitten, and why.
I’m so sorry about Mabel, that’s terrible to lose her so young. But there’s another, special cat out there who needs a home. Don’t let worries prevent you from adopting another when you feel ready, and explore my choosing a new cat articles for help.
Reading the article and the comments helped me to understand my feelings at the loss of my beloved cat Polly. We had her for 18 years and she was almost 19 when she died. We all cried almost continually for days – my children are 9 and 12 and we had Polly way before they came along. She was timid and fearful and only related to us on her own terms for the first four years. After that she relaxed, but it wasn’t until her later years that she really matured and allowed us to love her and spoil her in the way we had always wanted. She died in my arms less than two weeks ago and I am still crying – but for reasons I could not understand I decided to adopt two kittens from a rescue centre – the same place I adopted my Polly from 18 years ago. It seemed right to go there. We decided that we’ll never get over losing Polly, so to wait for that miraculous time when our grief was gone might never come. The article explained that perfectly. My heart goes out to all the other cat lovers who have commented here, especially those who lost their companions in tragic circumstances, it makes the loss so much harder to bear. To know that giving another cat a loving home with you is healing and a great comfort and there should never be any guilt involved in that. Thank you all for sharing
I just lost my beautiful Allycat last weekend, we had only rescued her 6 months ago and she was hardly a year old. Lately I’ve been feeling really guilty for wanting another cat and taking peeks over a petfinder. I’ve also been worried that something is wrong with me, because I’ve been more devastated about losing Ally than I was about losing my Gran. I’ve just been so lost without her, I can’t even sleep in my own bed because she’s not there. It feels like there is a giant hole in my chest that just sucks in everything that isn’t complete and utter devastation. Sorry to unload like this on here, but anytime I try to talk about it to anyone my throat closes up and I can’t force any words out. Thank you for reading or responding. I just don’t know what to do.
We lost our beautiful boy ‘Ozzy’ on Friday morning. I’m re-living the tragic circumstances – finding him under the shed…. He was only 8 months old…
In the beginning, I was very protective of him and decided not to let him out, but as time passed, he yearned for the ‘The great outdoors’ I can hear people saying ‘you should’nt have let him out’ and ‘an indoor cat is a safe cat’..well, I agree and disagree – you will give your cat what he needs, wants and with the element of ‘guilt’ by keeping them ‘locked up’ Each of us are pushed to make the decision that feels right at the time…By the way, this is me ‘Beating myself up’ so I don’t need those type of comments. Both my husband and I are devasted. We blame ourselves for giving him more independance. He was so special and the bond we had with him was immense. I completely understand all the previous messages on any and every other website I have come across..what you go through is unexplainable to anyone else who is not a cat lover..You find yourself yearning to chat and discuss events over and over and talk about your cat, grieve, cry, deny and all the other emotions (believe me, Iv’e cryed endlessly) This is part of the process – the only thing that gives me comfort, is knowing there ARE others out there who have experienced what we’re going through now…..Only 3 days after, I have contacted the breeder just ‘out of the blue’ to ask if she had another litter to let me know. I was compelled to do this, it seemed right, it feels right, and the message I read here has put those things into perspective for me..was it wrong? was it too soon? Did I need something to replace my loss..YES, YES & YES..BUT…straight away, she contacted me to tell me she has another litter at 4 weeks old!! same colours/type as my Ozzy…..I knew….felt…something inside me said ‘give her a txt, there’s another litter……something….I can’t explain…No other cat will ever replace my ‘Ozzy’ but I have some more slots, more love, more spaces for 2 more cats whom I’m sure will not be like Oz – Id’e be kidding myself…This feels right and I cannot explain ‘what’ or who has compelled me to do this….I have my ‘power animal’ guide by my side (So I’m told) this guide is trying to communicate with me it has taken me through a series of events. There will always be a special place in my heart for Ozzy and I will talk about how he made me feel, I will miss him & I will love hime forever xxxxRIP OZZYxxxx my little ‘Buddy’ Love you forever, Mum & Dad xxxxx
thank you so much for this article. my cat, queenie, had to be put down on july 21st. today is september 30th and my dad’s cat had a litter of kittens and two need homes and i just couldn’t pass them up. i miss queenie so much; she was the first cat i ever took care of by myself and she was almost like a cat version of me, as weird as that sounds, but really, i loved her like she was my daughter. i still cry whenever i think of her and wish she was here with me but i have visions of her in my dreams and ever since i thought about getting these two kittens she has been coming in my dreams and the dreams are loving and nice – it’s like she’s telling me it’s okay to get these two cats even though i feel ridiculously guilty about wanting more, and i just looked at your article and it all made sense. thank you SO much for writing and to everybody’s responses – all of your personal stories are so helpful and make me feel normal and have helped me realize that i will always love queenie as my beautiful perfect girl and i can still love other cats and it will be different and they will never fill the slot that she did – they will each have their own. so thank you so much, i am crying now but i don’t feel so awful anymore, i just miss queenie and hope i can provide these two new kittens with a loving home that queenie would be proud of. again, thank you so much to the article author and everybody who commented.
Wow. I hadn’t even seen this post when I commented on your Mourning A Cat Who Is Gone post. This really says it all, and I can’t thank you enough for your words of wisdom.
What an insightful, powerful post. The author understands both cats & people. I really love this idea of “slots.” And I love the nonjudgmental tone of the article. I found it comforting after the loss of my beloved Gavin.
What an insightful, powerful article. I love the idea of “slots”. It makes so much sense to think about one’s loss like this–as well as one’s desire to get another like this. I lost my beloved kitty Gavin this year the day before Thanksgiving. He was only 5 1/2 & had so much more life in him. Someone speeding on my quiet residential street hit him. Tim Arthur & his wife, total strangers who lives down the block, saw it happen. Tim went to Gavin to see if he was alive- and when he was not, Tim wrapped him in towels & phoned me. He & his wife hugged me & Tim carried Gavin’s body to my car. He called me soon after to see how I was. We buried Gavin in my garden. He was the most loving, empathic animal I’ve ever known & I am heartbroken. I did love him with all my heart & he was loved by many. Thank you for this wonderful article — you seem to know cats & people very well.
My cat Ramona is 3 1/2. She lost Gavin who she’s cuddled with every night for three years. Two weeks before Gavin died, my friend Lisa moved in with her cat Joey, 8. That introduction was going slow, though & he sleeps with Lisa in her room. Gavin had connected with Joey, a sweet sensitive cat, before he died. I decided I had to have a kitten to fill the loss of Gavin- I’ve had two cats on my bed & who were mine though I got Ramona so Gavin was not alone. Now, a 6 mo old sweet male neutered kitten is in the guest room, Ramona’s with me in my room but has the run of the house & Joey is in Lisa’s room (& I want all three cats to have the run of the house.) Ramona is quite terrified but has stopped hissing at Joey tho she emitted a low growl. She lost Gavin & she adored him. She hasn’t seen the kitten. She goes outside in the backyard during the day, Joey’s indoors & kitten will be indoors. How should I proceed to introduce them? I will keep the kitten separated for a few days. I hoped to have him sleeping w/me and Ramona.
I want to say this post is just remarkable. The author understands both cats & people in a remarkable way.. The idea of “slots” really resonated & helped me understand the simultaneous heartache I feel & the desire for a new kitten. Losing my beloved Gavin so young, age 5, hurt more than I ever imagined. I did love him with all my heart & miss him so much. I’m wearing his collar as a bracelet which is somehow comforting.
Here’s a helpful post: Processing the New Cat, which will lead to others.
Thank you for this thoughtful post. We recently lost our cat and I was struggling with feelings of guilt for wanting to adopt a new one although I am still mourning the lost of our sweet, old friend. This really helped me put things in perspective. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!