Why, then, do we seem to take so long to “get over” a gone cat? And why do we seem to crave a new cat “too soon” and feel guilty about it?
Part of this process is how we don’t understand the differences between mourning cats and mourning people. Cats follow a different trail through our hearts.
Even people who are fans of a certain breed, probably because of an extraordinary relationship with a cat of that breed, would be the first to admit that getting, or already having, another cat from the same litter– is not the same experience.
Because every cat runs on their own Track. This is how Cat Appreciators have many cats; and love them all.
This is how we can still miss a cat decades later, while loving many cats since. This is how we get confused; we still don’t feel “over” our special girl or boy. Shouldn’t we get over our loss before considering getting another cat?
What we have to “get over” is the longing to have our gone cat back.
This is what will destroy a promising new relationship; expecting the newcomer to offer the same closeness that had taken time and effort to build. People who wish to deny their grief will try to get the same cat; and are doomed to failure.
The more enjoyment we have from our cat we lost; the more we can feel compelled to get another cat. Yet the more we loved the cat we lost, the more getting another cat can feel like a “betrayal.”
We can resolve our difficulty by remembering we should be playing by different rules; this is “pet loss.” And in pet loss, no one has a Category like Mom or Life Partner. These are categories difficult, or impossible, to fill.
With pet loss, we have Slots.
Slots are the number of cats we can have. Slots are the number of simultaneous Cat Opportunities we can experience, depending on our resources at the time.
Empty Slots have their own pull, separate from the loss we feel when we lose a cat. This is why we can profoundly miss our gone cat, and still feel drawn to drive by the shelter or peek on Petfinder.
We don’t love our cat any less because we want another cat. It is actually a profound expression of both the love our cat once lavished on us; and the loving impulse which makes us want to give another cat a home and make them as happy as we made our other cat.
We are perfectly capable of still missing, and mourning, our lost cat on one Track; and getting, and loving, a different cat on another Track.
That’s because they are truly different Tracks.
Pets relationships are so deep, and so special; and yet they demand to be serial, overlapping, and continuous. It is the inevitable consequence of loving one with a far shorter lifespan than our own.
It is often seen as a sign of maturity to voluntarily commit to a long-term human relationship, either with a close partner or with a child. Yet it takes even greater maturity to commit to a long-term pet relationship; knowing it must end relatively soon.
And love with all our heart, anyway.
Even after the Track our gone cat laid upon our heart reaches its end, it does not go away. Our heart remembers them. Only the Slot is empty.
Once we have experienced the Joy of Cats, it is so much greater than our sadness. That is how we must look at it; that the joy will live on even after our wonderful cat is gone. We can tell funny and sweet stories about them for far longer than their lives. There is still emotion there; and it doesn’t have to go away.
The Love of Cats that our gone cat contributed to in such abundance is even stronger than before, and, as all powers do, it must seek an outlet.
This is why our Empty Slots exert such tremendous power.
If we get our cats from shelters, we are acutely aware of our empty Slots; because each one represents a cat who will get out of their cage, or even escape death. Each one represents a New Cat Adventure. Each one moves from representing an actual cat, to symbolizing a potential cat.
This is why our empty Slots cry out to be filled. This is why we experience such a longing to pour love on another cat, who we know needs it very much.
This is why we feel so conflicted and confused; when we don’t have to be. What pets teach us; not despite their short lives, but because of them, is this:
Love is infinite.
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There’s more to choosing a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CHOOSING A CAT.
Thank you so much for this timely post. I teared up a bit reading it.
I lost my beloved 17 year old cat to cancer on June 13th. She was the first cat I’d taken from kitten to elderly, and there has been (and still is) a lot of confusion… “am I making the right decisions about her last days” and “am I crazy to be this sad” and “why do I want another cat so badly when I’m so sad about missing her”. But when she was gone, our home, two humans and one remaining cat, felt so empty. It wasn’t just her loss (the pain of which is still tremendous; I still cry about it). Our home felt wrong without her. But also with only three creatures.
Four days later, much, much sooner than I ever expected, we adopted a 7 year old cat in need a loving home from the same vet clinic we said good-bye to our girl at. She has her own story (my first adult cat adoption), and her own place in our hearts and home. I’m so very glad we gave her a home, and when you ask me, right now, about my cats, I’ll tell you about all three of them, because they are all heavy in my heart, even though the house feels right again with only two.
I am so happy to have found this site. I lost my nearly-17-year-old cat Fred to kidney failure on May 21, and still cry. I work at home, and he was my 24/7 companion, almost dog-like. Even with my 2 other cats, the house seemed empty without Fred’s larger-than-life presence, even though I knew I did the right thing to let him go.
On June 2, I brought home a new cat, Cole, from the local shelter. Cole is 3 and the first adult cat I’ve adopted. Since he was living in a big room with at least 20 other cats, I thought he’d fit right in, but he’s terrified of everything, and his few brief encounters with my cats weren’t good, even though they haven’t been hostile. Now 3 weeks later, he’s remains holed up in my guestroom.
You’ve addressed 2 of my issues: 1) Bringing home another cat so soon after Fred’s passing. I saw it as not letting a good home go to waste while so many cats need them. Fred was a stray, and I felt he would approve. Your description of it as a “slot” is spot-on.
2) Realizing that Cole probably still has kitten issues. That was an eye-opener. He was a stray at a year old, no one knows what happened to him before that, and he’s spent the past 2 years in the shelter. So having a “real” home is a foreign concept. Immediately, I could tell he was overwhelmed by the sheer size of my living room, so I gave him his own little room.
Now he spends most of his days hiding in a kitty condo in the corner of his room. He’s good with me, and loves to be petted and brushed, but a yawn or slight sudden movement sends him scurrying to hide. But every day, in some tiny way, he makes a baby step toward bonding. This morning, he emerged from the condo while I was sitting on the floor reading the paper nearby and let me pet him, and even stepped on the paper to check it out. That was huge.
Now I realize I just have to wait until he chooses to join the rest of the family. My other 2 cats have taken this all in stride and leave him alone. You reminded me that Cole needs my patience and love until he realizes that this is his “forever” home.
Please pray for my family . We lost my cat on June 20, 2009. He was killed my two dogs. It was so sad to see him killed that way please me for me and my mother. My mother saw them but it was too late, how cat was mauled and she watched him cry but couldn’t help him it was too late. She watched him take his last breath. I am so sad to think of how he died I can’t get the imagine out of my mind I think of it over and over again. Thank you so much for your time.
What a traumatic event. I’m very sorry for your loss, and that it had to happen in such an awful manner.
Our minds tend to think of things over and over again in an attempt to “make it come out differently.” Since this is not possible, try to remember him when he was happy, and how you made him happy.
I’m so pleased I could help, Karen. Cole is dealing with all kinds of new thngs. This can make any cat revert to a sort of dysfunctional kittenhood. It sounds like the other cats are being understanding… how sweet of them!
To Lisa: I read your request and I have prayed for both you and your mother. It will take a long time for you two to get visual images out of your mind. Death of a pet is hard enough when they are old or sick but the manner in which your cat died is indeed traumatizing!! I am especially feeling bad for your mother. I will pray again in the future. Don’t expect yourself to “recover” or brush this off too soon. No one would expect you to!
To WereBear: My first cat was a stray I took in a few years ago and she was by herself for most of the 3 years I had her. Shortly after I took her in, I took her to the vet to check her out because I wanted to have her overall health assessed plus I knew she had had a rough life before I found her–super skinny, coat in mats, dirty, etc. I was told she had chronic renal failure and I started sub Q fluids that week. Imagine never before having a cat and within a week I was giving fluids!!! What a way to begin life with a cat!! Anyway, she did ok for approx. 2 1/2 years and the last 6 months I knew we were heading for the end. I was already grieving heavily that 6 months. My 15-year old son said to me, “Why wait until she’s gone? Get another kittie NOW so you have one to love at home when Belle dies?” That’s what we did and it DID help to have had our new one there for 6 months when the dreaded day arrived. I still grieve the first one though.
You did go in on the deep end, Leslie. How wonderful that you were able to give her some peace and care in her life; no matter how short it was.
I’m glad I found this article, it articulates my feelings so well and I feel this has helped me put some personal turmoil at rest. My beloved Flossie passed away on April 25th, she had just turned 14 years old (we didn’t know exactly when her birthday was, but it would have been around march or April) and I had her since I was 9 and she was a few weeks old. Since she’s gone, I’ve not only missed her dreadfully, but just feline company in general.
Sometimes I felt guilty about this and other times not, many times I wondered if I would be able to cope. I have for some reason, imagined that I would have two cats next time, and one would be solid black ( Flossie was black and white though)and I would prefer a completely indoor cat on this occasion. I also made a little promise to myself, not thinking anything of it really, that if someone advertised they were looking for a new home for their cat on the staff noticeboard in work, that I would look into it. Lo and behold, that very thing happened yesterday, and one of the cats in black – and they are both indoor cats! I will be picking them up in a week or so, but I woke up this morning wondering if I made the right decision and flipping back and forth between two minds – am I ready, yes I am ready; no maybe I’m not, but well…etc etc. I know they won’t be the same as Flossie in any way (other than being cats!) and that it will take time for me to accept them and love them completely and vise-versa.
After reading this article, I realise my feelings are not unique and that brings great comfort to me, and I know that I will always love Flossie even if I squeeze more kitties into my heart.
I’m so happy you are feeling better, Laura. It seems the Universe is giving you a signal. When you tell yourself you will get new cats under these exact circumstances; and then they appear… well, it’s a sign, isn’t it?
I hope you all will be very happy.
I am going through trauma since the death of our cat in February. He had been ill, and then the vet assistant gave him an overdose of medication, and he became so much worse. I was with him when he died and I panicked and couldn’t help him. I feel so guilty and I miss him terribly. He suffered horribly and I feel guilty that we took him to that awful vet. I am devastated. I don’t know how to go on. Don’t ever go to University Veterinary Hospital in Utah. They are incompetent.
It’s a terrible thing when we seek help for our cat, but feel our efforts made the situation worse. But you took him there in good faith; it is not your fault you put your trust in an institution that turned out to be inadequate.
After the heat of the moment, we often berate ourselves for how we acted, but thinking about it with a cooler head is not how we were dealing with it at the time of the trauma. Difficult as it is to “mentally prepare,” I wrote these articles so people can have some ability to grapple with these issues when they are not right in front of them.
Try not to let your guilt overwhelm you. You wanted to do the best for your friend. We don’t control the outcome; but the loving impulse was yours.
callie, my 17 year old calico, passed away on july 26 in my arms, on our way to the emergency vet (it was sunday). my sister gave me callie; my sister passed away, suddenly, 2 years ago. having callie take her last breath in my arms was very traumatic but i know that i wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. she was looking up at me when she passed. i continued to hold her and stroke her, for another 15 min., until we got to the vet, even though i knew she was gone. once they confirmed to me that she was gone, i stayed in the room with her, alone, petting her, telling her she was the best cat ever – and, when she gets to heaven – laurie (my sister) will find her and hold her.
now it has been only 2 days and i feel the need to look online for another cat or kitten. i did feel guilty until i read the many posts on here. but i don’t know if i am ready, emotionally, to get another cat. how will i know when i am ready to get a another cat….or even another dog? i know that i would not get another calico as that would be, in my mind, like i was trying to replace callie.
thank you for your help.
another grieving pet owner
How will you know when you are ready?
When the right cat or kitten comes along. Then you know… why you were looking.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Giving a homeless animal a loving home is like building a living tribute to an animal we still love.
Hello, I found this site because I am grieving and so full of remorse I can hardly get through my days. I am overcome with guilt because Zoe, my one year old tabby went out on the evening of July 27 and has not returned. She was out with our 2 year old Miri and neither came in that night or were at the door in the morning. Miri returned at 10 on Tuesday evening, but no Zoe. We looked all around our woods, put posters up everywhere and gave information to all the shelters and vets in the area. I walk everyday on the surrounding streets and call for her.
The saddest thing for me is that she wasn’t that interested in going out, all my other cats go out but Zoe liked to be in, she filled that”slot” of the peaceful companion who just liked to observe everything. I always wanted a tabby and she was a beauty — we adopted her with her orange brother and now he is missing her so much.
I feel like I let her down completely and didn’t protect her, and also I kind of resent my other cats — because they are here and she is not. You are so right when you say that we can get another cat — but not the same one that we loved so much.
Life now seems so “lifeless” to me and I can’t quite rise above my grief. At work, at home, in the car, I always have tears in my eyes. Terrible guilt, terrible sorrow.
Hi,
I’m so glad I found this website. Last year we lost our cat of 19 years. We had lost her sibling 3 year before. They were truly my best friends and constant companions. I was devastated by each loss. When we lost the second cat last year, I mourned deeply. Couldn’t stop crying or eat or sleep much. Within a couple of days, both my husband and child were begging me to adopt again. I felt like it was a betrayal and wasn’t ready, but ultimately did it for both of them. We brought home a new cat from the spca, and I fell in love immediately, but felt guilty. I was confused, because at the same time as I was mourning and crying over the old cat, I was holding a new one in my arms. The slot explanation makes so much sense. Having a new cat in the house did not lessen or shorten the mourning for the other one. We got one that loooked and acted completely differently so it wouldn’t be a replacement. The cat we adopted was a one year old. Last week, only 9 months after we had him, he went into renal failure and died, very suddenly. We are all shocked and devastated. At the same time as I am sick with grief, I am also mourning the emptiness of our home without a cat. I desperately want to run to the spca and bring home a cat, yet I feel so guilty like this lessens the grief and importance of the one we just lost. That’s how many people would see it–as if I hadn’t carred about the one we lost if we are so quick to ‘replace” him. People don’t understand that it’s not about replacement. If you love cats, then even a week without one blessing your home feels like an eternity. Thanks for “listening”.
I’m so sorry about your loss. Nineteen years was a great run, though. I’m glad the article helped.
Great post, the distinction between ‘cat tracks’ and ‘cat slots’ makes a lot of sense. My hubby and I love cats, and we’ve always had 3. Over the years, whenever we lost a cat, my hubby would start to look for another kitty within days. I found it difficult to understand why he was in such a hurry to ‘replace’ a beloved companion. Although I did want to have another kitty, I thought it was somehow disloyal to get another cat too soon. But now I see that he was not trying to erase the memory of the cat we lost, but to fill the slot with another kitty for whom we could provide a good home.
Thank you, Dora. We need not hold back any love we still have for our cat; it’s simply that the way we show it is to bestow it on another cat.
My cat just died three days ago. She was having heart failure and was struggling with each breath. We took her to the vet, and they told us this. There was a very slim chance of her survival, and if we put her through the x-ray tests and such, there was less than 50% chance she would live through just the tests, much less the medication. We had had her for almost 10 years and got her in the month of December. I’m very traumatized and am still crying. I feel like an infant and still am a teen– 14 years old.. I feel ridiculous. Her name was Bobbi, a bobtail cat. To make the situation worse, we cannot find many pictures of her (only 6… I wish we had the one where she was lying with me). I seem to be the only one in my family seriously devastated, probably because this is my first look at death besides my great grandparents. This article has helped me, but I still don’t know if it is too soon.. I was thinking of getting a cat that looked a little bit like my dear Bobbi and treating it as Bobbi’s child. Probably only because I miss my Bobbi so much. I have all of the pictures of her here and just the thought of her or the pictures tears me up, especially knowing the last few weeks of her life were miserable.
I’m so sorry, Linden. It’s natural to miss her so much when you two were so close.
When you are ready for a new cat, it might be better to simply get one you are drawn to (or one who is drawn to you.) Getting a cat who looks like Bobbi can backfire on you; putting such expectations on what is, after all, a different cat, can ruin a potentially good, new relationship.
Thank you for the advice, and I took it into great consideration and listened well. We now have a beautiful orange kitten manx, and I’ve felt happier recently. I still miss my Bobbi, and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop. Is it natural to tear up every now and then over the loss of her? I keep a few pictures of her at my desk and I was wondering if this only hurts me more.. I like to know that I’m not going to forget her.
How can you ever forget her? Don’t worry about that. It sounds like the new kitten will do her best to give you some happiness.
we just lost our kitten of 10 months due to heart conditions. We have his brother who seems to be looking for him. is it fair to get another kitten for him to play with and how long do we wait.
Of course it’s fair to open our homes and hearts to another cat. It is not a replacement for someone who can never be replaced… it is giving a tribute to the cat who has passed on by making another cat happy.
How long to wait is a personal decision; but the length of time has nothing to do with how much we loved our lost cat.
i so glad i seen this post. i lost my lynx of 19yrs. to cancer(cell carcinoma),feb 8th 2010. it’s being 3 days and i still crying for her,i miss her so. i want to get another cat but i feel i’m being disloyal to her,but also i would like a cat to greet me when i come home from work. should i feel this way????
I’m so sorry, marge. But it’s okay to feel that way. The greatest compliment to your girl would be rescuing another cat in her name. When the right cat comes along, I’m sure you will.
This post also answers your question.
thanks so much i feel little better. now i won’t feel guitly about getting another cat.
We lost our kitty, Mushu, 3 weeks ago today. He was 11, and had suddenly developed severe feline asthma, which despite over $1,500 in treatments continued to get worse. We put him down, because his quality of life was declining quickly. I got Mushu when I was 4, and never was without him for more then 3 days. Losing him was possibly even harder for me then losing the cat that my mom had gotten a few years before i was born, although that was a very hard experience also. Me and Mushu always seemed a little closer then me and Mar Mar were. We have a 4 year old dachshund, and I love her; but my life feels really empty without a cat in it.
I love my dog, don’t get me wrong, but I am a cat person at heart, and I need something to greet me and sit in my lap and purr after I get home from school. Something that I can get close to. The dog is attached to my Mom, and almost no one else.
I’ve talked to my Mom about getting another cat, but she thinks that it is too early. She thinks that I want a cat to replace Mushu, and she thinks that I’ll expect the next cat to be exactly like Mushu. I don’t want the next cat to replace Mushu, or be like Mushu; and I honestly don’t think there is another cat in the world that is like Mushu, he had a very unique personality.
I just feel empty without a cat in the house, the house doesn’t feel right. Anytime I try to bring up the subject of another cat, my Mom shoots it down instantly. How can I get her to change her mind? I don’t even want to get a kitten, I want to adopt an older cat, possibly even a senior aged cat, because I know that there are a ton of them sitting shelters because people want kittens.
How do I try to get my Mom to open up to the idea of getting another cat?
Thank you for this post. I lost my cat of 13 years on January 8th. She was sick for only 24 hours and died early in the morning in my arms. She had been with me my entire adult life and, before moving in with my boyfriend and his cat, it had been just the 2 of us against the world. I miss her horribly. There’s a huge hole in our house – especially the spot on the sofa where she used to sit all day. I have the urge to get another cat as well but, as you said, I feel as if I’d be betraying her. It was comforting to hear your words and, though I know rationally that it doesn’t lessen the bond I had, I still don’t think I’m ready. Right now it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be ready, but I’m hoping that will change in the summer.
On the other hand – we may need to get one very soon as our other cat has gotten very comfortable and has now claimed the entire place for himself!
I’m so sorry for your loss, k. That is one of the things about losing an older cat; so much of our own life was lived with them. I’m glad my article helped.
So many people, including myself, have struggled with the same conflicting emotions. But this is normal; and we should all handle them in the way that is best for us.
Turns out your blog helped even more than expected. We went to the SPCA yesterday and got a beautiful grey tabby. Thank you again!
Oh, k, that’s wonderful news. You’ve made me very happy, for all of you.
I lost my cat Hanna 4 days ago. She was 11. I had to put her down. I’ve been questioning myself if I made the right decision. I never realized how quickly a cat can go downhill. Three weeks ago, she developed a UTI. She was placed on Zeniquin, which made her develop glaucoma in both eyes. For the glaucoma she was prescribed Trusopt. I don’t know if she just couldn’t handle all of these medications, but she started squinting because of the glaucoma. Then she started breathing with her mouth open, then came the drool. She could barely eat, and then she seemed like she had trouble breathing. I brought her to the emergency vet on Sunday and he said she had some sort of brain malfunction. He said it would cost over $2,000 to get a diagnosis. I couldn’t see my Hanna going through all these tests. I made the decision to put her down. I still feel horrible about it. She was my baby, she slept with me, walked behind me, woke me up every morning, sat by the shower waiting for me. I feel completely empty. I come home from work, and its empty. I find myself looking for her, like shes in the other room sleeping or laying in the sun. Lately, I’ve been online looking at cats that need homes. I want to fill my void or “slot” but then again, I don’t think I could deal with another cat if it had medical issues. Which, now that I think of it, tells me I’m not quite ready yet. I can feel the tears in my eyes as I type this. I suppose I just want others to know Hanna’s story. I want people to know how great of a cat she was and how she is irreplaceable. Hanna will always be my girl!
R.I.P Hanna I LOVE YOU!!!
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