After a loss, how long before we get a new cat?

When we have a cat we deeply love, and then they’re gone, we can be counseled to “get over” our loss before we look for a new cat.

Why, then, do we seem to take so long to “get over” a gone cat? And why do we seem to crave a new cat “too soon” and feel guilty about it?

Part of this process is how we don’t understand the differences between mourning cats and mourning people. Cats follow a different trail through our hearts.

Even people who are fans of a certain breed, probably because of an extraordinary relationship with a cat of that breed, would be the first to admit that getting, or already having, another cat from the same litter– is not the same experience.

Because every cat runs on their own Track. This is how Cat Appreciators have many cats; and love them all.

This is how we can still miss a cat decades later, while loving many cats since. This is how we get confused; we still don’t feel “over” our special girl or boy. Shouldn’t we get over our loss before considering getting another cat?

What we have to “get over” is the longing to have our gone cat back.

This is what will destroy a promising new relationship; expecting the newcomer to offer the same closeness that had taken time and effort to build. People who wish to deny their grief will try to get the same cat; and are doomed to failure.

The more enjoyment we have from our cat we lost; the more we can feel compelled to get another cat. Yet the more we loved the cat we lost, the more getting another cat can feel like a “betrayal.”

We can resolve our difficulty by remembering we should be playing by different rules; this is “pet loss.” And in pet loss, no one has a Category like Mom or Life Partner. These are categories difficult, or impossible, to fill.

With pet loss, we have Slots.

Slots are the number of cats we can have. Slots are the number of simultaneous Cat Opportunities we can experience, depending on our resources at the time.

Empty Slots have their own pull, separate from the loss we feel when we lose a cat. This is why we can profoundly miss our gone cat, and still feel drawn to drive by the shelter or peek on Petfinder.

We don’t love our cat any less because we want another cat. It is actually a profound expression of both the love our cat once lavished on us; and the loving impulse which makes us want to give another cat a home and make them as happy as we made our other cat.

We are perfectly capable of still missing, and mourning, our lost cat on one Track; and getting, and loving, a different cat on another Track.

That’s because they are truly different Tracks.

Pet relationships are so deep, and so special; and yet they demand to be serial, overlapping, and continuous. It is the inevitable consequence of loving one with a far shorter lifespan than our own.

It is often seen as a sign of maturity to voluntarily commit to a long-term human relationship, either with a close partner or with a child. Yet it takes even greater maturity to commit to a long-term pet relationship; knowing it must end relatively soon.

And love with all our heart, anyway.

Even after the Track our gone cat laid upon our heart reaches its end, it does not go away. Our heart remembers them. Only the Slot is empty.

Once we have experienced the Joy of Cats, it is so much greater than our sadness. That is how we must look at it; that the joy will live on even after our wonderful cat is gone. We can tell funny and sweet stories about them for far longer than their lives. There is still emotion there; and it doesn’t have to go away.

The Love of Cats that our gone cat contributed to in such abundance is even stronger than before, and, as all powers do, it must seek an outlet.

This is why our Empty Slots exert such tremendous power.

If we get our cats from shelters, we are acutely aware of our empty Slots; because each one represents a cat who will get out of their cage, or even escape death. Each one represents a New Cat Adventure. Each one moves from representing an actual cat, to symbolizing a potential cat.

This is why our empty Slots cry out to be filled. This is why we experience such a longing to pour love on another cat, who we know needs it very much.

This is why we feel so conflicted and confused; when we don’t have to be. What pets teach us; not despite their short lives, but because of them, is this:

Love is infinite.

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There’s more to choosing a cat with The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my CHOOSING A CAT.