Or it can seem to be triggered in the simplest of ways; as when a cat misbehaves whenever we leave the house, and never does while we are home.
Yet both of these situations are based on abandonment anxiety.
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How well a cat handles abandonment rests on two factors:
Some cats were not too far along with their more complex, adult, trust skills when something interrupts it. So we can pick up where this was left off. But if our cat was deeply attached, having this ripped out by the roots will create a traumatized, depressed, cat. They need to heal that broken heart, first.
We must rebuild trust to rehabilitate. In its simplest form, this is creating a routine where we say what we are going to do, then we do it, then we act happy that we’ve done it. Because once a cat grapples with abandonment, they fear that it will happen again.
This is not a time to act sad; this will send the cat a message that there is something still to be sad about!
We are happy the cat is with us, we are not worried we will be separated, and we will play, treat, or pet our cat to show there is still good things in the world.
Some cats are baffled by cause and effect, and do not attribute much to their own actions, even when these actions do make things happen. While this can be challenging in the home, it at least lets them relax more when they find themselves in new circumstances. Such cats take life as it comes.
But other cats love to be in control, and so when bad things happen, they can become fixated on their routines. Unusual behaviors can become their way of self-soothing, but can also interfere with adapting in their new home. Cats who seem to obsess over the food dishes or the litter box are trying to exert control and avoid another bad outcome.
Ironically, this can create bad behaviors which interfere with bonding.
We can defuse their fixations by fussing over their concerns for a bit, then distracting them with something more interesting. This is how we send the message that whatever their concern is, we acknowledge it, and we are also not worried about it.
Soon, the cat will start to feel a little silly; this is the kind of behavior that gets extinguished when we join in. If we ignore it or hope it goes away, it will only make the cat feel we are not taking their worries seriously. If we notice the source of their worry, then explain they don’t have to worry about it, we are taking big steps towards soothing our cat in better ways than they can do themselves.
The core of abandonment issues is that the cat didn’t choose their unhappy state; not how they got there, and not how they feel afterward. This makes cats feel adrift on an ocean of scary possibilities.
We are the tugboat who goes out into that ocean and pulls them back to shore. We show them the dock, we fasten them to a home port, and we unload their anxieties.
A secure cat doesn’t have to obsess over their own behavior, or feel that we will suddenly vanish. With patience and time, the past becomes; the past.
And we become the future.
For more about helping insecure cats, read Dear Pammy, My cat is clingy.
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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.
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This is very helpful with our little Esme. Although we’ve rescued cats before, those who have been strongly bonded to others were quickly taken on to permanent homes. But Esme is ours now, and she’ll be delighted to see us when we arrive home from work, and then becomes agitated and anxious. This agitation seems to be gradually decreasing. But in the morning, she just looks sad and depressed, and our other kitties have seemed more anxious, too.
Byron was abandoned by his mother at 2 weeks of age. His issues became worse after he was fixed, as he had to stay overnight at the same vet hospital he’d been brought to as a rescue. He thought that he’d been abandoned a second time!
He couldn’t even stand being alone in a room. Killsy and I would leave a room while he was asleep, and being deaf, he didn’t know that we’d left. When he awoke, he’d begin howling horribly–his dreaded “Byron Siren.” Both me and the other cat would come running, as it sounded like he’d broken a leg.
It took him about 2 years to become confident that he could be alone. But he still tries to kill everyone in the room if he goes to the vet, as he’s afraid he’ll be left there, again without a family.
When we first got Reverend Jim at 4 1/2 months, he wasn’t exactly clingy, but he wasn’t out of arm’s reach too often, either. He loved to sleep with us or with James Bond so he always knew someone was around. Unlike Mr. Bond and Olwyn, he never hides away for a nap; he’s always easily found.
I could use alittle help. A kitten we adopted out came back to us after 14 months. The owner had just lost her home, was moving in with others and the option was return him to us or the pound. I hand raised the kitten up til the time he was adopted. He has matured into a very handsome cat.
The issue. He is extremely aggressive now having been abandoned with strangers. He has drawn blood on my hands three times, once severely. I do not react because it will intensify the attack and add to his stress. I simply talk calmly and cooly to him. I change the bedding in his large kennel several times a day and offer small bits of food and water. We have other cats and his aggression would result in injury either to him or the others so letting him roam free til he settles in is not an option. Any suggestons anyone?
Hi Caring Fool: It sounds like you are not giving him a chance to be lonely. Instead, you are remembering him as a baby and trying to show the same caring affection. He needs space and time to process his grief and come to terms with his new environment. See my article, Curing the Aggressive Cat.
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