Way of Cats blog

A reader will write something like this, rather often:

I don’t know what happened. He still hides and avoids laptime and I want more cuddling and kissing. What can I do?

Dear Readers,

What we want, and what our cat is, might be two different things.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

One of the most difficult tasks of cat evaluation is distinguishing the behaviors that are in response to a poor environment from the behaviors that are intrinsic to the cat. We have a tendency to regard a cat’s “shyness behaviors” as a response to traumatic events; behaviors that will melt away when we open our heart and our home to them.

While it is true that making a cat happy and secure will reveal the true cat; that doesn’t mean their favorite way of bestowing affection will perfectly align with our wishes.

When I brought Reverend Jim home, we discovered that he loved cuddling; but he doesn’t do drive-bys. RJ wants a time commitment so he can spread across a chest or lap with complete relaxation and get his purring cranked to the max. After twenty minutes, or even more, he’s “full.” It could be another 12 hours before the tank gets that low again.

He always loves Petting in Place, but for the rest of the day he doesn’t want to be scooped up and cuddled. Fortunately, we have an alternate system for such human needs. We have Sir Tristan.

Since very early kittenhood, Tristan has displayed the opposite pattern. He likes to “touch base” more than a dozen times a day. Despite his obvious affection, he’s never been a lap cat. He gets on my lap, but it’s to bury his shoulder in my chest, ask for hugs and kisses on his forehead; and then he’s off again.

If I wanted a lap cat, Tristan would disappoint me, over and over. If I wanted a cat who liked lots of short-notice short cuddles, Reverend Jim would avoid me; and seem like a cat who is not affectionate at all.

We can create a better chance of getting the kind of affection we would like from our cat with these “affection matching” tips:

Know what we want. Some people would find the demands of RJ’s long sessions difficult to fit into their busy schedule, and then we both wind up affection-starved. Others would miss their great “lap sessions” during a movie if they had a cat with Tristan’s preferred pattern.

We should consider our own preferences, schedule, and expectations; then seek out a cat who will most closely fit them.

Know how to ask for it. I keep an open line of communication with all my cats, and issue “cat alerts” if I’m going to be open to their favorite way of sharing friendship.

We can train our cat that a blanket thrown over our lap means they can settle in for an hour or so while we watch our favorite shows or play a movie. We can show our cat we missed them all day if we hang up our coat and start a play session.

Know when it’s being offered. We can instantly respond if our cat places a paw on our knee or meows at us. If we brush them off as “bugging us” we have just hurt their feelings; and discouraged them from making such overtures.

If our cat seems to pick all the wrong times to ask for attention, we need to let them know when there is a good time.

Know when they are doing their best. It doesn’t make any sense to feel hurt when our Gamma doesn’t need a play session every day, or if our Alpha can’t settle down long enough to cuddle on the couch.

We should keep in mind that it’s a rare cat who will display every possible flavor of affection.

I often get asked how someone’s cat could be more cuddly; or less intrusive. How to get their cat to be more friendly with strangers, less driven, different. But while we can make our cat more confident and trusting, less fearful and suspicious; we cannot change the cat’s essential nature. Any more than we can change our own.

There’s always what I do; have multiple cats to cover all bases.

Maximize our kitten’s potential with Keeping Kittens Cuddly. Figure out all the subtle ways cats express affection with the first post in my Presence series.

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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.